Name: Bert Kreischer uses SECRET AIRPORT - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip
Uploaded: 2022-04-01T20:31:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bert Kreischer uses SECRET AIRPORT - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bert Kreischer uses SECRET AIRPORT - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-01. Transcript available.

are you garbage here so so executive platinum is 100 000 miles a year and i
would hit that in three
months and but but you gotta remember i was working for travel channel or
mostly but working
travel channel so i was flying back and forth from europe back and forth from
africa all over
so i was flying a lot i'm that at my height of flying i was the thing called
concierge key which
you're not supposed to talk about but i don't give a fuck heard about this and
it's we just
got kicked out of the delta lounge in atlanta we both individually got fucking
got booted from
the amex lounge really our limits weren't high enough not even a peanut oh dude
can i tell you
what i do now we're just getting money for the first time in our lives and we're
finding out
quickly that we don't really have any money i do i do a thing called private
suite
this guy's got it all private suite you so it's a separate entrance to the
airport so the airport
this is what i've heard i've heard you talk about this airports airports here
right and then the all
all the businesses here check-in and all that is on the left sure private suite
is its own little entity
off to the the other side of the airport so you pull in valet like you're it's
it's it looks like
you're pulling into a uh like to a very private restaurant uh they they greet
you at the car they
take you to a room the room is filled with what you you tell them what you want
they know me so they
always have titos they always have wine they have snacks candies they bring in
they have a menu you
can order from they bring always bring in caviar and champagne to greet you caviar
i'm so sorry we've
had so many people on the show you're the first person who has an airport rider
yeah that is
fucking sick is it connected to an airline uh no so so you go to the airport
yeah it's it's it's so you
go to like you said he's not these bums that we normally have peter how fucking
insane is it it's
fucking insane it's the coolest thing you ever do if you want to smoke cigars
or whatever they have
an outdoor one that's attached to an outdoor cigs at the airport what are we
doing i brought my kids
my daughter was turned uh 15 and she had her birthday and we're i was doing atlantic
city so
i brought the girls to atlantic city they each brought two friends what a flex
and i brought all
of them into the private suite and they had a birthday cake for isla there and
all her friends
were like what the fuck is this then you get cool that's how'd that make you
feel oh like a gangster
anytime any i don't have no problem spending money to avoid anxiety or to treat
my kids i have a hard
time spending money on myself like cars and stuff like that i'm not that kind
of guy but like this
i remember one time we pulled up and the the line for the line to get to the
airport was i'm talking
it looked like like someone lit up a christmas tree house like like they're all
the it's just a
string of lines right it was all animals and we pulled around and we missed all
of it we pulled
the others totally other side of the airport you go in you sit down you have a
few drinks you get
there an hour and a half you can get there five minutes before your flight and
then just they'll
grab you escort they take your id they check you in they check all your luggage
then they grab you
they take you through their tsa so if there's no line it's not a line at all
you walk in they put
you in a seven series bmw or a escalade and they drive you on the tarmac over
next to the plane
and then you enter the stairs you know when you you check your bags and then
they and then when
you land they bring them up that flight of stairs yeah yeah you walk up those
stairs and you board
the plane last it is gangster damn so if there's a nuclear war you're going to
be in the bunker you're
one of those people oh yeah no listen here's the deal do you know who killed jfk
by the way i just met oliver stone yeah he seems like a tough hang i love him
but he seems an intense
google the picture he did not enjoy burt priser yeah you two are polar opposite
yeah it was very
he was struck by lightning he's talking about world war ii or something you
ever have a public sub
the option the rights to my life that's why yeah that's why i met him so so uh
but no so it's a
private suite for me is the alternative of flying private like i love flying
private but it's just so
does not make sense financially okay you have to be making you have to be
making you have to have joe
rogan signing bonus money and even joe doesn't fly private all the time like it
just is so expensive
to fly from new york to la is insane so my my my caveat is i can get private
suite for a fraction
of the cost for me by myself it's six hundred dollars six hundred dollars for
me to go private
we don't got that pinhead you can you gotta join patreon.com you're telling me
to get tsa pre-check
yeah these bozos don't even have pre-check yet i go through pre-check when we
go on the road go
through pre-check i gotta fucking wait for these animals no caviar over there i
can tell you that
you're dead weight to me you are the fucking you are the donner party you're
gonna eat each other's
dicks i am going i'm sitting in a cafe waiting for these fucking jerks at a
fucking bar going
they can suck my dick damn bird it's me foley from are you garbage you guys
stink i'm hanging
with burt from now on you got to be a member of private suite so that's the
heart that's the
caveat you got to pay like hypothetically a big chunk of money for a membership
but then 40 bucks
what are we talking about a couple of scratchers what are we talking yeah yeah
is there a payment
plan situation i put one on layaway burt i'm good for it do they take podcast
merch we got new tour
tea coming your way thank you middle class famous tour check it out i'll be in
la i promise you this
i promise you this if you're ever in la okay i'm gonna be there two weeks are
you really yeah and
then when do you leave if i'm there and i'm flying out i will take you with me
on private suite
and you will by the way he brings us in just throws us out yeah we get checked
like luggage
here's the best part of it we're down in the bottom with all the dogs and stuff
here's the best part of it is you pay for everything in that room so they want
you to
take it with you take it do you take it we take it that's trashy though that's
the trash in you
hold on they got look they this is if you're walking with like half empty
bottles if you pull out a
delta blanket right now i'm gonna lose it he's got the eye mask you guys need
headphones huh who
wants headphones this is private suite loot right here okay this toothbrush oh
that's pretty cool
though oh you just got a loose toothbrush in your pocket that's insane dude
what the fuck are we doing
here this charger so they give they give you these chargers these lightning
chargers that charge
those are pretty good they always have them in there and when we go there we
fight for them
like steve fury's like i call charger and you're like whoa he's talking about
private suites at
the fucking airport then pulls out a loose toothbrush from his fucking jacket
today's a long day today's
a long day i like brushing my teeth i get it but that's nuts dude pop in a cvs
or drain duane reed
they're on every corner i keep it in my pocket you never know you should have a
cover on it man
no it's my pocket it's so funny i was literally going to ask one of the
questions we do sometimes
is what's in your pocket i wish i would have done that before that that would
have been insane
a thousand dollars a loose toothbrush my headset i got 35 grand two xanax two
bitcoins some loose drugs
and a toothbrush four hundred dollars worth of fish eggs they're still good i
gotta eat them by noon
i just eat them i love that you take everything i just oh you take everything
that's the trash in you
you we empty that fucking place i mean it they have nothing left in that room
when we leave
and especially during pandemic they were like they had to trash it because it's
someone just there
it's the justification so i mean we're talking and they know what you like so
now like they leave
extra chocolate covered almonds extra skittles extra they have wine not that
many beers they have these
little immunity shots we fucking take everything man love it i take the caviar
spoons too
so i can do bumps later little key bumps use them for my ice cream makes me
feel like a giant
*laughter*