Name: Dan Soder tried to IMPRESS a HOOTERS Waitress - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip
Uploaded: 2022-04-05T19:09:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dan Soder tried to IMPRESS a HOOTERS Waitress - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dan Soder tried to IMPRESS a HOOTERS Waitress - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-05. Transcript available.

Are you garbage?
Uh, let's throw a couple more here.
This is from Ryan.
Have you ever gone to Hooters and taken a picture with a waitress?
That's from the Facebook group.
That's a home run.
Let me tell you.
Were you a Hooters?
I imagine you were.
Dude.
First off, if Joey Owens is watching this, he already...
Shout out to J.O.
Shout out to El Diablo himself, Joey Owens.
If he is watching this, he knows exactly what story I'm about to tell.
When I was 16 years old, there's a Hooters on Parker Road in Aurora.
And we went, me and five of my buddies, on a Friday night.
Like, let's go to Hooters.
We're 16.
That might as well be a fucking strip club.
It wasn't a 20% tip either.
I can guarantee that.
No, probably like a 10.
We're idiots.
Actually, no, we all worked in the restaurant industry.
We probably hooked her up.
I, goddammit, I didn't get my picture taken.
Worse, I tried to impress her.
Oh, he's doing your macho man, Randy Savage voice.
Not even.
I'll take the wings.
Oh, yeah.
Wouldn't mind a little bit of approval.
It wasn't even...
That would...
Honestly, Kevin, that would make me feel better about who I am as a person.
Hey, honey, you ever see a Crown Royal bag this way?
Come on over here.
You go, I got Baja Blast 15 years before it happened.
You know where I used to summer?
Yeah, my dad's roommate, Jim, has got an inside guy.
You guys have Code Red?
Oh, yeah, of course you wouldn't have it yet.
Next summer, though.
Sorry, it's a coastal thing.
Wait to get your hands on some Cancun mist.
I go, lady, just trust me.
There's a wave coming.
There's a wave of Bob.
There's a cool wave coming.
She's mesmerized.
Wait a minute.
They're combos, but not pretzel.
It's cracker?
Take down my number.
I live off the apartment complex of Parker and Iliff.
I got a nasty needle problem.
So I'm 16.
I'm 16.
She goes, the stockings cover up the track marks behind my knee.
So we're at this.
Playing chestnut checkers out there in Aurora, baby.
Holy shit.
Dude, Aurora, honestly, I'm working hard enough to open a, this is like half
true.
Like, I would like to have enough money to open an opiate treatment center in
Aurora
because I know where we're headed as a country.
I know where I grew up and we're about to be, listen, they still wear JNCOs
there.
I'm just saying.
Opiate treatment center and rural rink.
I was always a Lee Pipes kind of kid.
It's going to be called Skate City Cleanup.
You're going to have that there with a fucking, you fucking turn in your
needles and you get
a free roller, you get free fucking roller skates for an hour.
Free couple skate.
Free pinball machine game.
We do Friday Skate the Shakes and that's when you're going to work through the
heroin addiction.
Saturday Sweat It Out.
Sweat It Out Saturday.
Turn the heat up and lock the door.
Don't worry guys, we do a lock-in Friday night so that the shakes turn into the
sweats.
And then we got dookie sundaes.
So, this waitress from Hooters comes over.
I forgot where we were.
He's at Hooters with it.
Skating around his hippie hippie shake is on the bucket.
All right, all right, this is a couple skate.
If you know someone's got some dope and you got an itch, find them and team up
for the-
If you've got a needle and she's got a bag.
We're going to do our races.
We're going to be racing for 70 cents at the end of the thing.
See when you get there, you can put it together for a bag of junk.
Time to play Rootin' Through the Pockets, everybody.
Rootin' Through the Pockets, a horse race.
Yeah, they go, all right, this is the hot pack heat.
If you guys do this, you're going to get some fentanyl laced in your heroin.
We, so we go to Hooters and I'm like 16 and I'm trying to talk impressive.
What is she, like a 23-year-old?
She's a woman.
Yeah, she's definitely got a kid too soon.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Definitely fucking-
Kid's the bus boy.
Yeah, dude.
Kid's just in the car.
By the way, he's a 90s kid, so he's listening to the tunes.
He doesn't have a phone to play with.
So I go in and I'm like, you get the wings, and I'm like-
Oh, dude, I'm sorry, dude.
That's embarrassing too.
I love the wings.
Yeah, no shit.
I'm not here for the flaming young.
I really think I'm a repressor, and I'm like, it's the hottest you got.
She goes, 911, and I was like, I'll take them.
Oh, my God.
I'll take the 9-1-2.
I'll take the 4-1-1s.
I got a city complaint.
I'm about to dig.
What number should I dial?
So she brings the wings, and I eat them, and I'm like, sweat.
You're trying to play it cool, though.
I don't even like spicy food.
I've had them there, man.
They're no joke.
So I eat them.
We get in Foo Jack's Astro Van.
Oh, Astro Vans are trash.
We're about to go to a house party.
They always smelled like eggs.
Always.
Yeah.
You pre-gamed at a Hooters?
Pre-gamed at a Hooters.
We go to this house party.
We find out about this house party.
It's like a low-key house party, and we're like, we can all go there.
Dude, we are driving there, and I start sweating, and my stomach, it starts
getting upset.
We had to pull over to an Amco gas station, and I shit my brains out.
And it's one of those gas stations where it's in the middle, and it's just like
a little unit.
Oh, my God.
And you have to beg to use the bathroom.
Yeah.
Dude, I was shitting so hard that Foo Jack had to buy me a Pepto-Bismol, leave
it outside the door of the bathroom.
Oh, my God.
Because I had to yell through the door.
There was no cell phones.
They wanted to go to this party.
And they're like, dude, we've been waiting for 30 minutes.
And I'm like, I can't leave it.
Yeah.
I can't leave.
I'm going to get up, and I'm going to have to shit again.
I'm sweating thinking about it.
9-1-1's got you.
Dude, they left the Pepto, and I went and had to drink that and then walk home
with sore butt.
Fucking Danny Sode's playing it real cool at the Hooters.
Real cool.
By the way, dumbest move I've ever made at the Hooters.
Dude, we have to write this down.
A great question for the future is, have you ever eaten food you had to sign a
waiver before?
Oh, that's trashy.
I used to work at Wings to Go, and I thought it was cool.
The top two, there was like 25 sauces.
The top wings were suicide and homicide, or homicide and suicide.
I guess homicide would be worse than suicide, right?
I don't know.
Yeah, suicide, I think you're leaving more people sad.
Yeah, I don't know.
Either way.
You got to leave a note.
Either way, for the top one, you had to-
Suicide's more of a bummer.
I guess I'll eat these wings.
The homicide wings are when you slip the suicide wings to your friend.
Yeah, that's great.
But you had to sign a waiver.
I thought that was so cool.
I was like, yeah, I work at, yeah.
They're like, oh, Kevin, I was working.
I was like, 14.
Anyone ever die over there?
Yeah, a couple people.
It's my job to inform the families.
Where do they put the bodies?
And they go, into the garlic sticks.
Teddy swings by in the garbage trunk.
Teddy goes, hey, you know, sometimes can't people be able to eat?
We got to go see Kippy at the Wingstop.
God damn, dude.
All right, let's run through two more, and then we got to fucking get out of
here.
Holy shit.
Fucking head's about to fall off.