Name: Ian Fidance FAKE Make-A-Wish - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip
Uploaded: 2022-04-26T20:47:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ian Fidance FAKE Make-A-Wish - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ian Fidance FAKE Make-A-Wish - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-26. Transcript available.

Are you garbage?
You better be careful bro. Ian's gonna get Dykstra in here fucking doing you up.
Oh, yeah
We've talked about it on patreon
But Ian got us in a love triangle with Lenny Dykstra and his booker. Hey, I
help you up
Talk about not taking no for an answer. Yeah, what happened? I don't know what
happened. Oh
Tonight there's nothing describes Ian more than we tweeted. Who do you want to
see on the pod or whatever if I hear a pair of cleats?
Walking through the door
I'm jumping out the window
I start small popcorn and hot dogs. I tell you what I'm like me out of what
from my point of view you guys go
Who do you want on the pod and I go Lenny Dykstra and you go like oh you go
Wait, wait, wait, and then you go to finance and then you go Lenny
We're open or so I was being polite. That's probably that's for all yours. You're
tagging everybody. That's our audience. I'm thinking
Hey, why not so hold on? Yeah, so I go. Oh, let me can't win the tickets. You
work for the radio station
Yes, I like daddy in finance
From shme and buddy Lenny so then he turns into
I'll and then he I go yeah Lenny we'd love to if you're out there meal, you
know, then he texts me
He takes both of us. We're getting headshots. We're getting we're in a photo
shoot and he you text us
You guys are in the middle of a Boscov's photo shit
Olin Mills don't like a seer really have the really have a studio for another
12 minutes. I got to make it happen
I'm on Foley's shoulders back in this a lot of wood dog won't look at the
camera
Shaking god damn it mittens
You're both half way up the ladder
And then you could you text us. Hey, can you talk I literally respond no and
two seconds later you're calling me
Hey, I can get him on the phone. I talked to the booker. Maybe we could do it
as a package deal me and Lenny
Yeah, it's that the fuck like I want to talk to him about how he fucked me over
So I go listen, I don't know that's what we want. Yeah, you pissing him off in
our studio. Yeah, I wouldn't hate I don't know
You getting their shit beat out of you wearing a Lenny Dugger
I could get down on that
Getting beat up by your hero. That's great. So well, so then you turn out you
turn me over to the booker
You talk to the booker then the booker starts calling me texting me and calling
me go. I got Lenny. He's on the way
It's here. He's here. Why? Yeah, I didn't know that all I know is I talked to
the guy and he goes
Look, I yeah, I'll call him and see what he thinks. He's gonna probably ask for
like a hundred dollars
I gotta say he's 20 ladies here because he goes I gotta say he's he goes I
gotta say he's not well
He's kind of fucked up in the head, but it'll be good, you know for whatever
and I go. Alright, I'll talk to them
See if it's alright. Meanwhile, I don't know he's going to you. I don't know
I don't think he's like I know him through other business
Yeah, and I don't know that he's calling you and he's like I got Lenny in a van
No clue about that
Yeah, it was just it was just like I mean the way he needs a place to wash up
He's gonna stay your place for a couple of days. They'll get his head on
straight
To a couple of things. Hey, if anybody asked when he was with you all week
But he needs an alibi
He's a good guy to keep away from the cold cuts
I'm gonna bring him by and drop off some fake movie tickets anybody. Yes, you're
at the cinema
Couple of stuff I was at the Rangers game
With Dykstra so was he they were away that week was that you're all hemmed up
federal court
Geez they get a roll on Lenny that they put you in the same cell now. He's
pissed at you. Yikes
No, thanks. I love Dykstra. Oh, yeah, Dykstra, and I wouldn't you know, I don't
you know, yeah
It was what happened. What do you mean? He came in we had a great time. What do
you think he called me a couple of times?
I just thought I said hey, man, we're not interested. Yeah, we killed the
phones and disappeared for a couple of weeks
So the Lenny blew over
Hurricane Lenny coming in
I was a big Dykstra fan is if meet you growing up in Philly him and don't do I
got the Dalton jersey on right now
Shout out the Dutch. I got a Dalton story if you want to hear it. Okay. Yeah,
what are you hanging out at the locker room?
What do you do?
How are you seeing all these guys? I've lived a life in 93?
You were like 11. What are you talking about me in 93? I went to Philly's
baseball camp, right? Make-a-wish
You were working at a McGurk's in Philly
You know, you can I tell another thing real quick, you know, I shaved my head
when I was younger
I was I was like maybe eight or nine, right?
I went to a Phillies game and I was right by the field and it turned out that
it was like a leukemia type thing
Mm-hmm and they invited and I know a good deal when I see
Invited all these I'm not gonna tell them. No
It's lying by omission
When they started hooking me up to the chemotherapy machine, I got a little
worried
I didn't have an IV bag, but sure
They invited all these kids with leukemia on the field and they were walking by
me and they kept pushing me to go out going
Come on. Don't be scared. And I just was like, okay
I went on the field
The other kids are all weak and coughing. You're running the bases and shit
Tracking down fly balls. I gotta tell you I feel great
What they're putting in these peanuts. I take out a kid at second base
You go you go in cleats up
so
anyway
93 I'm a Phillies baseball camp prior to that
Do you remember when the Phillies used to be able to like get down to the front
throughout the innings, you know?
Yeah
Whatever so we did that the dirtball dad move. That's what that is
Yeah, and so I Dalton like struck out or you like didn't do something this
drunk guys behind us
He's heckling easy Ellen blah blah blah and I was like stop that
I like took up for Darren Dalton and he goes hey kid
You ever get a chance you get down to the field and ask him about his friends
Jack Daniels and Jim beam and I was like
I mean, so I go to Phillies baseball camp 93 Darren Dalton shows up
He does like a clinic type thing and then he has a question-and-answer session
with all the kids shows you how to buy a hooker and
Pulls his dick out. I raise and and afterwards he's doing a signing, right?
So he was like holy shit you lived
Wow chemo works
So I we were all taking bets you were gonna
We thought you were the link weak in the chain
Hell the immune system on this kid up so I raised my hand to ask a question and
they call on me and I go
Darren, how are your friends Jim beam and Jack Daniels and he goes excuse me
and I said it again he goes kid
Where are your parents?
They left me week and I go I go my mom's at home and my dad's in heaven. Oh
God, they stop the question and answer. He doesn't do the autograph session and
later. They just hand out cards to everyone
You were that kid you didn't say heaven all the time not not not oh my dad
passed away
He's at the North Pole with Santa
He's up in the clouds if we take a plane high enough, can we see him?
My mom's at work and my dad got taken to the farm
Ian's been ruining events since he was seven a wake of a wake of social awkwardness
follows Ian around
Hey Dutch, I hear you cheat on your wife. What's the deal?
Can I smell your fingers?
What did you shave your head?
This was I'd say summer of 93 wait
Why what does that to do with the chemo or the leukemia?
Because I had it shaved
I had it shaved head
They thought I had leukemia so they put me out on the field
He's like a dirtbag Forrest Gump
There I am in the jail at the veteran state
Life is like a box of chocolates and no one's looking to eat them
Did I tell you I forgot in a car?
Ah, what a slump, man
You are something else
What can you do, huh?
You're the first kid in the fake-a-wish program
Shout out Dutch, who's now in heaven
You're the first kid in the fake-a-wish program
Shout out Dutch, who's now in heaven
He would wish for two more wishes
I wish for unlimited wishes
Kid, I'm not a genie, I'm John Cena
Contractually, I have you beat
I'll talk to your lawyers
And now for my first wish
Wish for more wishes
That's great
That's a smart move
You wish for more wishes
Yeah, if you're an eight-year-old grifter
You wouldn't wish for more wishes?
You can't limit it to three
Make a wish?
Oh, I thought you meant like a genie
Yeah, well that, I mean that's
As like every eight-year-old
That starts scheming
Of course
I would wish for three more wishes
Yeah, oh yeah
And then wish for two more things
And then three more wishes
I wouldn't get greedy
Big dick, be able to fly
Unlimited juice boxes
Foley's flying, he can't get up high
Because he's fat
He's smacking people with his big dick
That's my superpower
That kid needs a bigger propeller
There's too much drag on that boy
You need more wishes, buddy
Wish for a helicopter above him to hold him up
Yes, of course
My move with the genie would be
I want unlimited wishes
But that's never a thing
You can't wish for unlimited wishes
I'll talk to him
That's always that caveat
Let me tell you
You got no cash
Things can be done
Talk to Dutch Dalton
Yeah, yeah
Good buddy of mine
Yeah
All right
Should we do a couple of cues?
From the gang?
This is a
This is a
This is a
This is a
This is a
This is a