Name: Pete Holmes, Where did your Mom Go Grocery Shopping? - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip
Uploaded: 2022-05-06T20:01:55.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pete Holmes, Where did your Mom Go Grocery Shopping? - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pete Holmes, Where did your Mom Go Grocery Shopping? - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-06. Transcript available.

are you garbage how about the grocery store was the name of the grocery store
stop and shop swap and shop stop and shop that's a great question for for what
we're interested in today because there's fucking market basket market
basket and there's stop and shop and if you're really fucking fancy you're
gonna
go to super stop and shop super stop it yeah that's invite only I think who
makes a class system within their own company like that we got the riff-raff
stop and shop or super stop and shop it's true though I don't think my mother
would set foot in a market that's the track market basket trashy well this is
the lower end this is what's interesting about the topic of the show is like
all
these things are branded with these conversations in mind like Lexus is a
made-up word sure like we want to be for the new money and Mercedes is for the
old
money and Subaru is for the lesbians can I say that can I say that
hey we all love a good outback let's not be ridiculous here what is that too
much for you Austin oh I'm sorry that's the new move in comedy do you I just
get
canceled yeah no one cares about you thank there any unfunny job too much yeah
that
was one of my same lines when I would do open mics I thought it was so funny
when a
comedian would tell a horrible joke about granola it wouldn't work and he'd go
oh I'm
sorry do you all harvest granola yeah no it couldn't be that it just was a bad
joke
we harvest granola yeah there's a better chance we all harvest granola than
that
joke stinking Pete what was the car situation growing up that was good what
was the car situation growing up what'd you guys roll around in you are I mean
you're really nailing it you've done this before we look my father he keeps
telling us oh that's good for the show this would be great this would be great
for a garbage podcast if you ever do on I know but we all assume there's a
later
what if this is it you know what I mean you're like I don't need to hear that I'm
gonna do a million more what if we all die right now I forget people get
freaked out it
it could happen I'm saying it makes it imbues the moment with vitality and it
makes it precious it makes
your ice cream taste better if you go like plain engine don't be afraid we're
all in this together
we're all delicate flowers all right my father had a 1985 Scout truck so he had
like kind of like a
working class truck okay what about ma mom then she was a terrible driver white
knuckling praying out loud as she made lefts on the Mass Avenue talk about
making a kid nervous what the fuck
and she's like dude Jesus please take out no wonder I'm so comfortable talking
about death
she's like rolling the dice at every turn as we burn please keep it quick
please take us through asphyxiation and not through the crisping of our skin
you got a high C in your mouth like what the fuck lady just get me to
basketball practice will you
I mean we laugh it's a vivid memory
I know but she bought a Volvo you see what they're trying to do they're trying
to go up
sure of course it was probably maybe he takes the truck to work she drives the
Volvo around station
wagon now would they ever have those were awesome would they ever have the
confidence to get like a
Benz or like because the Volvo is the conservative I have a little bit of cash
I want to show you that
I have it but I'm not over the top flaunting it so my father's in that type of
business where it's
like I think he's flush one day and then maybe it's like I had the same
upbringing
and when he's flush I think we did we got a Mercedes a used Mercedes yeah like
1995
and I remember driving it and feeling like this is illegal I'm 17 I'm just like
doing big turns in
the Mercedes it was incredible and he had a 51 Chevy because he started
collecting and fixing cars damn
yeah this guy's all right I thought the 51 as I vividly remember being a little
kid and thinking
that the radio and the Chevy should only play oldies like I was like well it's
an
old radio
green day what the fuck
that's what it should play but when it was green day I was like this is
inappropriate we did listen
how Kenny Loggins getting here we did listen to oldies oldies 103.3 sorry they're
a sponsor
go to oldies 103.3 backslash weird for 10% off free radio for all your oldies
needs
that's 103 okay but then he'd get like a Porsche like an old Porsche to fix up
but it would be in the garage
like for forever 20 years yeah were any of these cars ever on the front yard or
on the side yard not
parked in the driveway I'm resisting complimenting your question I have a bit
that never works uh it might
work on this podcast it's really just a thought it's not even formed enough to
be a bit but I'm like rich
people very rich people and very poor people have a lot in common yes they both
love cologne
they like the middle group no cologne but very rich very poor tons of cologne
um they both have access to nature
like the people in the middle very hard to get nature but like if you're very
rich you live on a
ranch if you're very poor you live in a field you live in the woods the covid
approach was very
similar in both groups and then the last one was like you own more than two
cars yeah very rich people
have like seven hours a short very poor people always have like nine cars more
of a junkyard kind
of vibe yes that you know add up to one good car so you had a couple around the
house we had a
couple they weren't in the yard that would not be allowed but we did have a lot
of unfinished
construction work yeah that was a lot of unfinished construction work okay all
right little garbage
we're getting there little garbage we're getting were you guys a shoes on in
the house family I think
it was dealer's choice but we took it it was dealer's choice I didn't have a
mom that was like you
know where those have been it wasn't like okay it was like take them off
because you're comfortable
no tv in your room I would assume right tv in my room until I got into shooting
my own videos and
then I convinced them to get me a tv off the want ad which was ebay but a print
form and I got an old
tv from my bedroom and on that tv I watched my first pornography that I found
in my brother's room
in an orange there we go orange and gray two-tone shoe box yeah and I was
religious so I would put
the tapes in my camcorder hook it up to my tv watch if the the vertical hold
would be off so it'd be
two lesbians 69ing that's really what it was that was the first image I saw not
a good start
uh and they were going by and I'd have my way with it oh god that was terrible
I'd uh have my way with
it we'd have our time but then you know the whole time we're playing with your
dude to do
uh they don't know if he's ridiculing me or not no that was amazing I know I
can't get a read on
this guy he's like the sphinx this guy's bonkos for sure I would worry that
Jesus would come back
while I was jaying that's awesome try a cup of decaf will you Pete I didn't
want to I used to have a bit
about it it's what nice try the devil is named after I didn't want to have my
ham and my sandwich
when Jesus comes out of out of the clouds on a golden sheep pursuing my own
coming while he the
second coming is he's just saying he's the same thing he won't masturbate if
somebody he knows is
on an airplane that's great I only masturbate when somebody knows is on an
airplane I'm like
no no no no no no no no that's it Pete that's it all right uh but I but I
certainly wasn't allowed
to watch tv okay did you pack a lunch to school or did you buy lunch there pack
a lunch until high
school then I bought lunch was the did you have like a brown bag or did you
have a a lunch box
I had a he-man lunch bar yeah all right so it wasn't so terrible over there you
can watch your
he-man I didn't like your dirty movies but milk in the thermos I didn't care
for that remember
remember when our mom would put milk in the thermos it doesn't stay cold no
that's a tough look but
you'd have milk with dinner milk with dinner yeah that's garbage that's garbage
let me give you
another detail uh the get the gallon uh would be on the table gallon of milk on
the table of din din
yeah that's the european and your mom they leave that shit out for months yeah
just warm milk at
dinner eggs on top of the refrigerator it would keep it cool it's sweating for
sure on the outside
yeah well that's just the tension of the fights even the milk's nervous
somebody tell a joke or
something will you pete hit it but i drank milk for hydration until i was 28.
like i would go to other people's houses and they would give me water and i'd
be like what is
this the dust bowl are you going through lean times bring out the cow milk hey
lady i do two
percent or higher you know what i mean yes i'd come home from basketball and
drink milk that's awesome
gotta get your bones thrown yeah because of the campaign it was and then water
had this huge uh
turn around yeah renaissance and now i'm about it
you guys go big into christmas