Name: Miracle Whip OR Mayonnaise w/ Louis C.K. & Joe List - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip
Uploaded: 2022-07-08T21:02:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Miracle Whip OR Mayonnaise w/ Louis C.K. & Joe List - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Miracle Whip OR Mayonnaise w/ Louis C.K. & Joe List - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-08. Transcript available.

Are you garbage?
Is there anybody in your family, aunts, uncles, cousins,
that you don't refer to them as their real name?
Like an Aunt Cookie or an Uncle Thumbs or something?
Uncle Jojo.
Well, all my dad's brothers, my uncles on his side,
they all have nicknames.
You don't use Alberto's Bersi, Francisco's Pancho,
and Gustavo's Gusey.
Yeah, all have weird names.
Gabby, Gabby Goose, Bersi, yes.
It's hard with another country because you're like,
is that garbage or not?
That's not garbage.
That's what's going on down there.
If your name's Gustavo, you're not trash.
I'm talking about like an Uncle Nichols or something like that.
I've only got one.
No, on my mother's side, we only have Jack.
His name is John.
Oh, that's trashy.
That's like the Kennedys.
Yeah, that's Kennedys.
Talk about now.
Where do you keep the butter?
Do you keep it on the counter or do you keep it in the fridge?
In the fridge.
Really?
Yeah.
Your shoes off in the house?
No, people always do it.
And I'm like, you don't have to.
I don't have to.
You don't have to do that, do you?
Sure.
What about the syrup?
Where does that go?
In the cabinet or is it in the fridge?
When I have it, it's in the fridge, maple syrup.
Is it real maple syrup?
Yeah, it's not in my house.
Growing up was margarine, Miracle Whip.
Miracle Whip.
Really?
Yes, no real.
I didn't have butter until I was like 22 or something.
What the fuck is this shit?
I was like, that was pussy.
I was like, this is unbelievable.
It's unbelievable.
No, margarine.
Yeah.
Porn oil-based margarine.
I didn't, yeah, I was the same until I went to college or something.
And mayonnaise, I couldn't believe that shit.
When I got rich friends and I had mayonnaise.
No, yeah, because Miracle Whip is salad, it's like dressing.
Miracle Whip is fucking trash.
Yes.
The correct answer is a nice fucking Hellman's.
That's right.
Or Duke's, maybe.
Yes.
Her best is out west.
Out west.
It's the same label, they just changed the name.
Now what are you doing mayo-wise?
Mayo, it's, you know, what do you call it?
Are you an all-top-shelf brand kind of guy?
I know you're a west side market dude, right?
Well, no, I mean, I like, you know, organic food and stuff like that.
Okay.
Are you doing the food shopping?
And my kids hate it.
They hate that I do that.
They want ketchup.
They want Heinz ketchup.
They want, you know.
You're not buying Heinz?
Well, Heinz now has organic ketchup.
It actually tastes more tomato-y.
You know, I like it.
This guy.
This guy's screwball.
Natural wines, organic ketchup.
I don't know what's going on.
Yeah.
No, it's no good.
It's no good.
Do you do the food shopping or do you order in?
Do you go to the grocery store?
I do.
I have for years.
The last few years I've been on the road a lot and there's new things like
Fresh Direct.
Of course, yeah.
So you're doing that?
Sometimes, yeah.
Okay.
But no, I'll go.
And I have a housekeeper.
She sometimes does it, honestly.
It's been a while, but, you know.
Live-in housekeeper?
No, fuck no, no.
She comes every day?
I don't care what she does.
She cleans the house.
I don't know.
I've never seen her.
I pay her.
Do you sleep with your socks on?
No.
Have you ever left a bad Yelp review?
No.
Oh, I have recently.
Oh, tweet the deed, Joe.
You did?
I've asked to speak to the manager a number of times.
I'm an asshole.
I'm an asshole.
Really?
What was the last?
That was the situation.
And I usually end up apologizing.
That's usually what happens.
The last one was a hotel in Stockholm.
It was the Grand Hotel Stockholm, which is like a famous hotel.
And I waited an hour and 15 minutes for room service.
And I called and said, where's my food?
And she said, it's coming.
And I go, you have no credibility anymore.
Yeah, exactly.
You've already said this a number of times.
So stop saying it.
And she said, I don't make the food.
And I'm like, all right, manage this.
Manager.
What was the order you were waiting on?
Chicken fingers.
I've waited two hours.
And that ketchup better be organic.
In Sweden, they have this thing.
It's a toast with shrimp and avocado and eggs on it.
It's fucking good.
Am I allowed to curse?
I don't remember.
Oh, what?
What are you doing?
Balls.
Shit.
Can you say pussy like 15 times?
That was me.
Who did you Yelp review?
Not Yelp review, but Google review.
I have one for Domino's that has a lot of likes in the story.
They fucked me.
A lot of likes.
This guy.
A cab company.
You go back to your Yelp reviews to check for likes?
No, I get updated.
That is psychotic.
I'm telling you, I get emails.
And then there's a cab company in Madison.
Subtitle it or what do you do?
It has a lot of, it says it's a very well, what do you call it?
Relevant comment or something?
Gotcha.
People write to you to say, hey, we appreciate it.
This is a cab company.
A cab company that didn't show up.
You can probably find it on Google.
Somebody's emailing Yelp reviewers to say, hey, man.
Thanks for shitting on God.
I'm like the Moses of dirt balls.
I'm telling you.
Wow.
It's there for us.
People have the power.
Wow.
Let's talk about the shower.
Are you peeing in the shower?
Yeah, because it's good for your foot.
If you have fungus on your foot and stuff, it's good for you.
I think that's a lie you tell yourself.
No, because I don't care.
That's jellyfish.
I'll shit in the shower.
It's my shower.
I don't got to lie to nobody.
You brush your teeth in there?
Yeah.
You do?
You leave the toothbrush in there?
Well, in New York, a lot of times it takes a while for the water to come in
warm.
So I get in there, turn to water, and I brush my teeth while I'm waiting for
the water to
get warm.
Standing outside of the stream of the water?
Yeah.
Huh.
That's kind of psychopath stuff.
Yeah, it is.
Really?
Yeah.
You're standing in the shower, not under the water, brushing your teeth naked?
That's right.
That's pretty weird.
I'm not going to wear my clothes in the shower when I'm waiting for the water
to get warm.
I pee in the shower 100% of the time because I end my showers with a cold whoosh.
There you go.
And then the cold whoosh makes you piss.
That feels great.
Whoosh is good.
Electric toothbrush, regular toothbrush?
Regular.
You floss it every day?
I got these things like spears.
Fantastic.
Yeah, I don't care for the stick.
When's the last time you were at the dentist?
Pre-pandemic.
Okay.
That's not bad.
Ouch.
20, 20, 2018, something like that.
Not bad.
You?
It's been a while.
October of last year, so not that crazy.
I haven't been since I was in my 20s.
I know, but I didn't go for 10 years and I had like six canals.
46.
I can't tell.
You look young.
Oh, man, I'm never going to hear the end of that.
Louie said I look young.
Louie said I can play 22.
The hair is on point.
He's got a lush head of hair.
It just keeps getting better.
Thank you.
Thank you.
If you lose weight, you'll look old real fast.
You think so?
Yeah, you trade fat for old.
I feel like genetically I should be attractive.
I just try really hard not to.
You are.
You're sexy to some people, I think.
It's a bit of a fetish, but.
I never noticed the hair.
I can't take my eyes off.
Oh, thanks, buddy.
You know I never noticed these?
In the boudoir, how are you sleeping?
How many pillows do you use to sleep?
Whoop, whoop.