Name: Apocalypse Survival Guide w/ Sam Tallent - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip
Uploaded: 2022-07-22T21:17:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Apocalypse Survival Guide w/ Sam Tallent - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Apocalypse Survival Guide w/ Sam Tallent - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-22. Transcript available.

Are you garbage buddy? Good to have you here. Good to see you. So glad to be
here
Let's do a couple of cues for the old patreon. Yeah, by the way
I want to shout out to the fan base for being so kind and supportive the
garbage heads the best have been great
But it is funny when they'll like come to a show and there'll be someone there
who doesn't know me and they'll be like this is Sam talent
He's a fucking pig
He's disgusting. Oh my god. This guy's the king of trash mountain
Very nice to meet you his bedroom Janet
And then they're also like you and Tom to car you got to go head-to-head you
gotta have a trash-off and I'm like why and they're like
Well, he's more trash than you and automatically. I'm like no, I'm the worst
I'm the one who's gross you just shit your pants right there
That's like fucking homelander and soldier boy fucking come in that bed. Yikes.
I'm also so sweaty
Oh
Sweat adds to the garbage like it's a deposition
It gets real soupy in here. Oh, yeah, it's like a rainforest exhibit and
grilled by Liz Cheney over here. Let's go
As far as the prepper thing before before we get into this you're talking about
the tactical
Tactical firearm classes. Yeah
Would you be a guy to like bury gold or something like that because the cash
ain't gonna be worth anything when it all goes south?
Yeah, especially when it comes to like stocks and digital assets sure
Um, I there's a certain holding I have in silver
Really, um, but yeah, do you have access to it?
Uh, yeah, I mean it's not you have to strong someone else doesn't have a key
and I have to find him
There's not an amulet. I broke in half that unlocks the lockbox Nick cage isn't
involved
Yeah, no, it's just in a it's in a safe in a remote location. That's awesome.
Yeah, but again bullets and salt
That's what you invest in really? Yeah, I mean when it all goes down, you're
gonna need bullets. You're gonna need salt
Why salt because salt you can use to preserve food french fries
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, don't you want to rim the glass of your margarita?
You want to live like an animal? Yeah, come on. Are we doing this or are we
doing it?
The Sun might have exploded, but I'm still trying to live baby. You stand in
front of the Chinese overlord
You see that yes, mr. Yam
You boys milked me for too long
Yeah, so I know salt back in the day was that was like that was currency. Mm-hmm
Yeah, yeah
I wish I had a treat
I could give you
Very good
I think I learned that from Elton Brand to be honest with you
Elton Brand
He was cooking something
You mean Alton Brown
Oh, Alton Brown
Alton Brand's a basketball player
Shout out to him
He's doing a hell of a job with them Sixers
Oh, oh man
Oh
The guy that has the camera in the oven
That's what I'm talking about
Yeah, Alton Brown he was great
Yeah, yeah, yeah
He knows all that shit
Good eats
Good eats
Oh, yeah
I heard he's a dream to work with
Really?
That little showbiz talk for you, folks
Yeah
Oh, man
Guys
All right
As you know
It's like
Between the heat and the stupidity
I'm getting dizzy over here
Yeah
Having you here feels like the last day of school
That's what's awesome about it
Oh, I'm giddy, dude
It's the summer
I feel like we're getting ready to get out of here
It is a special treat
Because I do like when our friends
Like the guests who we didn't know
And then we've become friends with
Through the show
When they live in the West Coast or elsewhere
When they come to the city
When they come to town
It's like an appointment
Oh, it's so great
I'm like excited
Yeah
I came in a couple days early
Well, we can talk about it in a second
Let's get to some questions
Please
Sure
I have a question for you guys in a minute
I was going to ask you
How much salt do you think I need?
What do you think we're talking about here?
You're probably going to want to get like
Two big blocks of salt
Like the salt lick that horses use
But you want to make sure that it's iodized salt
Really?
No
It's that Himalayan stuff going out the window
That pink shit's worthless
Yeah, when the bullets start flying
Yeah, when people are trading their holes for food
Yeah
You want the good shit
Yeah
When all my teeth are knocked out
You know, and I'm just on all fours
Yeah
Getting attached to the human centipede
Yeah, exactly
Alright, there you go
Salt and bullets, baby
I like it
That's pretty good
Salt and bullets
As you know, when you sign up for that there
Patreon, the greatest goddamn website of all time
We can
We'll answer your garbage question on the air
It's just the best way to do it
Patreon gets the first crack in it
Yes, sir
This one's from Leslie
Have you ever cut off the funeral procession because you were late for work and
needed to get there?
Have you ever cut off a funeral procession?
That's a real piece of shit move
Oh yeah, that's dastardly
Yeah
Talk about not respecting the den
It's like just because you got to get to Denny's or whatever you're doing
Yeah, that's like something bad's gonna happen
Uh-huh
Yeah, it's bad juju
I've never been late to a job because I haven't had a job since I was like 19
So, no
What was the last job?
Ice cream truck driver
Whoa
Really?
Uh-huh
How many people do you kill, huh?
Well, the Greek mob runs, well, allegedly, runs the ice cream truck racket
Now I need you to use their shotgun skills
Yeah, yeah
I don't know if they're Greek, but they're swarthy, all right?
Okay
They're Tommy Pope adjacent
Okay
So, yeah, they run, and if you get there early enough, they give you a truck,
and then you get paid in cash
So, I would just go home every day with like $130 in quarters, like in a sock
It was a pretty good gig
I'd pick up my buddy Bonzo, we'd rip around, smoke blunts
Nice
Ice down beers in the cooler
Cool
Yeah, because you're just driving like four miles an hour, eight hours a day
Sure
So, you can be a little turnt, you know
Yeah
Yeah
It practically flies itself
Yeah, exactly
I'm not getting on the highway here
Yeah, you just put on the autopilot
Driving on the highway in a doorless ice cream truck
Probably feels good
It's like going to the moon
Yeah
Fresh bomb pop in your hand
Dude, future's in front of you
Oh, you have no idea how many of those Spongebob pops I ate
Oh, I love them
Yeah, you just be like, I don't need to stop and get food, I'll have six more
Spider-Men
Four Choco Tacos ought to do it
Oh, Choco Taco, you leave it on the dash for about a half an hour
Yeah, Choco Taco was like, that was like the fucking holy grail to me as a kid
I remember when they came out, we weren't allowed to get them because they were
like 50 cents more than everything else on the ice cream truck
They came in that silver space age packet
Yeah
I've said it before, but for the longest time I thought there was taco meat in
there
That I didn't touch and my brother would get them
I'm like, fuck that, dude, give me a firecracker
I thought the Elton Brand thing was going to be the dumbest thing I've heard
today
Hey, I was seven, he's 46
Hey, brother, we got plenty more
Along those lines, I thought that Pizza Hut was pizza hot until I was 22
Oh, okay
Yeah, so I'm right there with you, dude
Yeah
But yeah, never cut off a funeral procession
No, never do that
It's, fuck, it's, I, I, I like, I get so much anxiety being in them
Yeah
Especially when you're driving, it's like, it's like the last chopper out of
Nam that they're going to leave you
Right
And sometimes you get real panicky, you're looking to see how far it goes back,
making sure everybody's sticking together
And if you have some aunt in front of you that really needs a fucking heater
after a fucking emotional service
And she's trying to get to the fucking cemetery so she can rip one before the
casket rolls in
She'll fucking blow your doors off
I forget who it was, it was either my mom or my aunt Patty got stuck in one
Like, they weren't in it, they were just driving and ended up in the, like,
line of cars
Ended up at the luncheon
And they didn't want to get out because it's, like, disrespectful to the dead
So they showed up to the grave site
And they just, like, looped in and then looped around
Yeah, in a ragtop Jeep
They were going to the beach
Surfboard hanging out the back
Yeah, sunscreen on the nose
Wham's playing
Yeah
I've been in a funeral procession where at least five of the vehicles
Were riding lawnmowers or tractors
Whoa
Yeah, that's the country that I came up in
Holy shit
That's fucking nuts
Man
You ever been in one that has a police escort?
That's pretty sweet
No, because the only ones I've been in
I've never been in one in a big city
Okay
So I've only been in one in, like, cities with population less than a thousand
There's really no news
Well, he's usually, he's attending the funeral, probably
You know, because it's all consensual out there
Were the tractors in John Deere?
Like, tractor tractors or, like, you know, cut the backyard tractor?
No, like, there's been some, like, actual, like, agricultural machinery
involved
I don't know
Fucking Earthmover coming down the street?
Yeah, yeah, an excavator
Uh-huh
Sounds like a steamroller
Hurry up, Steve!
Fucking row of bobcats, everyone's crying
You ever seen a man weep in a bobcat?
He's shaking back and forth
Looks like the Constructicons got whacked
Holy shit
Woo!
It's a good time
Yes
Great question
This one's from the Milkman of the Midwest
Is it garbage to collect your family's old antibiotics in case you need one
because you don't have insurance?
No
No
That's real big
I mean, antibiotics, I think, in most families get passed around
A hundred percent
Yeah
At least most blue-collar families
Everybody I know passes them around like they're fucking Tic Tacs
Yeah, I was always taught to just take a round of antibiotics every once in a
while
What?
Yeah
Yeah
Not if, I mean, there had to be some sort of issue
No, my mom was, you know, if it's coming up in, like, cold and flu season or
whatever
Yeah
I remember at one point she had a Z-Pak connected
Yep
Getting your hands on a Z-Pak
Woo!
Fellas hit me up, my wife's got those
Really?
Yeah, she's a doctor, man
That's right, dude, anybody that works in the middle, it's like, it was just
handing out pills
My family, it was like fucking a pharmacy
Not like even, not pills, pills, but like, you know, shit like that
Antibiotics, fucking this, that
Get jammed up, call somebody, they got it
And also you should hoard their antibiotics, too, for when society collapses
Well, if you take them all the time, they're not going to work
Yeah
Well, yeah, if you're just randomly having some antibiotics
Because your mom was a witch doctor
Can you pass me some penicillin, please?
I think crazy is the word
My mom is a witch doctor
Fuck, anybody, you can get around that, though
Doesn't that shit grow on oranges or something?
There's some kind of, like, fungus or mold that
But you would have to cultivate it in a way that I don't think you could do
Just, like, in the bush
Based on my own brand comments?
Yeah
If you slam dunk this mold, maybe
Fuck, I got that salt, antibiotics, and bullets
Uh-huh
All right
Yeah
And I got to get a piece
And these are just for bartering, too
Sure
There's a number of things that you're going to want to need in your bunker
that are edible
That'd be good
Booby traps
Booby traps, yeah
A bunch of paint cans on ropes
Sure
Do you have, like, in case something does
Do you know, do you have a route of where you're going to go?
Because you're probably already
You're not in Denver, probably
I'm not in Denver
Like, in the city, like, downtown
Well, they say that
Do you have, like, a fucking
This is where I'm going to go
Go up in the hills or something
It's either drive north to Wyoming
Or try and make it out to my dad's property in the country
Yeah
Depending where I'm at
And that's, like, we have a Bronco with the off-road sport mode
And that's, like, secretly the ace up my sleeve
Is we got to bug out
We can get the bug out
We can get without being on the highway
Yeah
Got a little Nas, you know what I'm saying?
Oh, yeah
Mm-hmm
They say that if shit ever really went down
That Denver kind of would be the last stand
That would be, like, the
Wherever they went in Lord of the Rings in the second one
Yeah
With Helm's Deep
That would be the Helm's Deep
Yeah
Well, yeah, Boulder
In the book, The Stand
They all went to Boulder
Oh, okay
It's just because, like, I think there's a potable water situation
The elevation
The rock
The fucking mountains
Yeah
In the center
Yeah
Mm-hmm
Yeah
That's where the shit would go down
But, I mean, honestly, if shit goes down
Goodbye
Yeah
I'm going to pop every percuset I can find
Just go sweetly into that good night
Hey
Just go out scratching, you know what I mean?
Yeah
What am I?
I'm on the front lines of rebuilding society?
What are we fucking talking about?
I'm sweating in here
I know
If I don't have my nexium for two days, I'm fucking miserable
Yeah
I'm dehydrated now
There's a case of salt under the sink
Yeah
Later, baby
I hope they honor that insurance policy
The new alien overlords take fucking Geico
Yeah
This one's from 100% grass-fed queef
Nice
First time, long time
Is it garbage if your family sings
Happy Birthday to Jesus on Christmas
Including a cake with candles?
Oh
What the fuck?
That's fucking crazy

Apocalypse Survival Guide w/ Sam Tallent - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip

Are you garbage buddy? Good to have you here. Good to see you. So glad to be
here
Let's do a couple of cues for the old patreon. Yeah, by the way
I want to shout out to the fan base for being so kind and supportive the
garbage heads the best have been great
But it is funny when they'll like come to a show and there'll be someone there
who doesn't know me and they'll be like this is Sam talent
He's a fucking pig
He's disgusting. Oh my god. This guy's the king of trash mountain
Very nice to meet you his bedroom Janet
And then they're also like you and Tom to car you got to go head-to-head you
gotta have a trash-off and I'm like why and they're like
Well, he's more trash than you and automatically. I'm like no, I'm the worst
I'm the one who's gross you just shit your pants right there
That's like fucking homelander and soldier boy fucking come in that bed. Yikes.
I'm also so sweaty
Oh
Sweat adds to the garbage like it's a deposition
It gets real soupy in here. Oh, yeah, it's like a rainforest exhibit and
grilled by Liz Cheney over here. Let's go
As far as the prepper thing before before we get into this you're talking about
the tactical
Tactical firearm classes. Yeah
Would you be a guy to like bury gold or something like that because the cash
ain't gonna be worth anything when it all goes south?
Yeah, especially when it comes to like stocks and digital assets sure
Um, I there's a certain holding I have in silver
Really, um, but yeah, do you have access to it?
Uh, yeah, I mean it's not you have to strong someone else doesn't have a key
and I have to find him
There's not an amulet. I broke in half that unlocks the lockbox Nick cage isn't
involved
Yeah, no, it's just in a it's in a safe in a remote location. That's awesome.
Yeah, but again bullets and salt
That's what you invest in really? Yeah, I mean when it all goes down, you're
gonna need bullets. You're gonna need salt
Why salt because salt you can use to preserve food french fries
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, don't you want to rim the glass of your margarita?
You want to live like an animal? Yeah, come on. Are we doing this or are we
doing it?
The Sun might have exploded, but I'm still trying to live baby. You stand in
front of the Chinese overlord
You see that yes, mr. Yam
You boys milked me for too long
Yeah, so I know salt back in the day was that was like that was currency. Mm-hmm
Yeah, yeah
I wish I had a treat
I could give you
Very good
I think I learned that from Elton Brand to be honest with you
Elton Brand
He was cooking something
You mean Alton Brown
Oh, Alton Brown
Alton Brand's a basketball player
Shout out to him
He's doing a hell of a job with them Sixers
Oh, oh man
Oh
The guy that has the camera in the oven
That's what I'm talking about
Yeah, Alton Brown he was great
Yeah, yeah, yeah
He knows all that shit
Good eats
Good eats
Oh, yeah
I heard he's a dream to work with
Really?
That little showbiz talk for you, folks
Yeah
Oh, man
Guys
All right
As you know
It's like
Between the heat and the stupidity
I'm getting dizzy over here
Yeah
Having you here feels like the last day of school
That's what's awesome about it
Oh, I'm giddy, dude
It's the summer
I feel like we're getting ready to get out of here
It is a special treat
Because I do like when our friends
Like the guests who we didn't know
And then we've become friends with
Through the show
When they live in the West Coast or elsewhere
When they come to the city
When they come to town
It's like an appointment
Oh, it's so great
I'm like excited
Yeah
I came in a couple days early
Well, we can talk about it in a second
Let's get to some questions
Please
Sure
I have a question for you guys in a minute
I was going to ask you
How much salt do you think I need?
What do you think we're talking about here?
You're probably going to want to get like
Two big blocks of salt
Like the salt lick that horses use
But you want to make sure that it's iodized salt
Really?
No
It's that Himalayan stuff going out the window
That pink shit's worthless
Yeah, when the bullets start flying
Yeah, when people are trading their holes for food
Yeah
You want the good shit
Yeah
When all my teeth are knocked out
You know, and I'm just on all fours
Yeah
Getting attached to the human centipede
Yeah, exactly
Alright, there you go
Salt and bullets, baby
I like it
That's pretty good
Salt and bullets
As you know, when you sign up for that there
Patreon, the greatest goddamn website of all time
We can
We'll answer your garbage question on the air
It's just the best way to do it
Patreon gets the first crack in it
Yes, sir
This one's from Leslie
Have you ever cut off the funeral procession because you were late for work and
needed to get there?
Have you ever cut off a funeral procession?
That's a real piece of shit move
Oh yeah, that's dastardly
Yeah
Talk about not respecting the den
It's like just because you got to get to Denny's or whatever you're doing
Yeah, that's like something bad's gonna happen
Uh-huh
Yeah, it's bad juju
I've never been late to a job because I haven't had a job since I was like 19
So, no
What was the last job?
Ice cream truck driver
Whoa
Really?
Uh-huh
How many people do you kill, huh?
Well, the Greek mob runs, well, allegedly, runs the ice cream truck racket
Now I need you to use their shotgun skills
Yeah, yeah
I don't know if they're Greek, but they're swarthy, all right?
Okay
They're Tommy Pope adjacent
Okay
So, yeah, they run, and if you get there early enough, they give you a truck,
and then you get paid in cash
So, I would just go home every day with like $130 in quarters, like in a sock
It was a pretty good gig
I'd pick up my buddy Bonzo, we'd rip around, smoke blunts
Nice
Ice down beers in the cooler
Cool
Yeah, because you're just driving like four miles an hour, eight hours a day
Sure
So, you can be a little turnt, you know
Yeah
Yeah
It practically flies itself
Yeah, exactly
I'm not getting on the highway here
Yeah, you just put on the autopilot
Driving on the highway in a doorless ice cream truck
Probably feels good
It's like going to the moon
Yeah
Fresh bomb pop in your hand
Dude, future's in front of you
Oh, you have no idea how many of those Spongebob pops I ate
Oh, I love them
Yeah, you just be like, I don't need to stop and get food, I'll have six more
Spider-Men
Four Choco Tacos ought to do it
Oh, Choco Taco, you leave it on the dash for about a half an hour
Yeah, Choco Taco was like, that was like the fucking holy grail to me as a kid
I remember when they came out, we weren't allowed to get them because they were
like 50 cents more than everything else on the ice cream truck
They came in that silver space age packet
Yeah
I've said it before, but for the longest time I thought there was taco meat in
there
That I didn't touch and my brother would get them
I'm like, fuck that, dude, give me a firecracker
I thought the Elton Brand thing was going to be the dumbest thing I've heard
today
Hey, I was seven, he's 46
Hey, brother, we got plenty more
Along those lines, I thought that Pizza Hut was pizza hot until I was 22
Oh, okay
Yeah, so I'm right there with you, dude
Yeah
But yeah, never cut off a funeral procession
No, never do that
It's, fuck, it's, I, I, I like, I get so much anxiety being in them
Yeah
Especially when you're driving, it's like, it's like the last chopper out of
Nam that they're going to leave you
Right
And sometimes you get real panicky, you're looking to see how far it goes back,
making sure everybody's sticking together
And if you have some aunt in front of you that really needs a fucking heater
after a fucking emotional service
And she's trying to get to the fucking cemetery so she can rip one before the
casket rolls in
She'll fucking blow your doors off
I forget who it was, it was either my mom or my aunt Patty got stuck in one
Like, they weren't in it, they were just driving and ended up in the, like,
line of cars
Ended up at the luncheon
And they didn't want to get out because it's, like, disrespectful to the dead
So they showed up to the grave site
And they just, like, looped in and then looped around
Yeah, in a ragtop Jeep
They were going to the beach
Surfboard hanging out the back
Yeah, sunscreen on the nose
Wham's playing
Yeah
I've been in a funeral procession where at least five of the vehicles
Were riding lawnmowers or tractors
Whoa
Yeah, that's the country that I came up in
Holy shit
That's fucking nuts
Man
You ever been in one that has a police escort?
That's pretty sweet
No, because the only ones I've been in
I've never been in one in a big city
Okay
So I've only been in one in, like, cities with population less than a thousand
There's really no news
Well, he's usually, he's attending the funeral, probably
You know, because it's all consensual out there
Were the tractors in John Deere?
Like, tractor tractors or, like, you know, cut the backyard tractor?
No, like, there's been some, like, actual, like, agricultural machinery
involved
I don't know
Fucking Earthmover coming down the street?
Yeah, yeah, an excavator
Uh-huh
Sounds like a steamroller
Hurry up, Steve!
Fucking row of bobcats, everyone's crying
You ever seen a man weep in a bobcat?
He's shaking back and forth
Looks like the Constructicons got whacked
Holy shit
Woo!
It's a good time
Yes
Great question
This one's from the Milkman of the Midwest
Is it garbage to collect your family's old antibiotics in case you need one
because you don't have insurance?
No
No
That's real big
I mean, antibiotics, I think, in most families get passed around
A hundred percent
Yeah
At least most blue-collar families
Everybody I know passes them around like they're fucking Tic Tacs
Yeah, I was always taught to just take a round of antibiotics every once in a
while
What?
Yeah
Yeah
Not if, I mean, there had to be some sort of issue
No, my mom was, you know, if it's coming up in, like, cold and flu season or
whatever
Yeah
I remember at one point she had a Z-Pak connected
Yep
Getting your hands on a Z-Pak
Woo!
Fellas hit me up, my wife's got those
Really?
Yeah, she's a doctor, man
That's right, dude, anybody that works in the middle, it's like, it was just
handing out pills
My family, it was like fucking a pharmacy
Not like even, not pills, pills, but like, you know, shit like that
Antibiotics, fucking this, that
Get jammed up, call somebody, they got it
And also you should hoard their antibiotics, too, for when society collapses
Well, if you take them all the time, they're not going to work
Yeah
Well, yeah, if you're just randomly having some antibiotics
Because your mom was a witch doctor
Can you pass me some penicillin, please?
I think crazy is the word
My mom is a witch doctor
Fuck, anybody, you can get around that, though
Doesn't that shit grow on oranges or something?
There's some kind of, like, fungus or mold that
But you would have to cultivate it in a way that I don't think you could do
Just, like, in the bush
Based on my own brand comments?
Yeah
If you slam dunk this mold, maybe
Fuck, I got that salt, antibiotics, and bullets
Uh-huh
All right
Yeah
And I got to get a piece
And these are just for bartering, too
Sure
There's a number of things that you're going to want to need in your bunker
that are edible
That'd be good
Booby traps
Booby traps, yeah
A bunch of paint cans on ropes
Sure
Do you have, like, in case something does
Do you know, do you have a route of where you're going to go?
Because you're probably already
You're not in Denver, probably
I'm not in Denver
Like, in the city, like, downtown
Well, they say that
Do you have, like, a fucking
This is where I'm going to go
Go up in the hills or something
It's either drive north to Wyoming
Or try and make it out to my dad's property in the country
Yeah
Depending where I'm at
And that's, like, we have a Bronco with the off-road sport mode
And that's, like, secretly the ace up my sleeve
Is we got to bug out
We can get the bug out
We can get without being on the highway
Yeah
Got a little Nas, you know what I'm saying?
Oh, yeah
Mm-hmm
They say that if sh