Name: Fast Food for School Lunch w/ Whitney Cummings - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip
Uploaded: 2022-08-05T21:49:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fast Food for School Lunch w/ Whitney Cummings - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fast Food for School Lunch w/ Whitney Cummings - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-05. Transcript available.

Are you garbage?
Sunkist says, alright, what were the lunch situations going to school when you
were a kid?
Sure, so my mom worked at Bloomingdale's, and so she would bring home the bags.
It would say, little brown bag.
That was like the richest shit to me.
Little brown bag, medium brown bag, big, big brown bag.
Yes, which if you shopped at Bloomingdale's, it was rich as shit.
If you worked there and just stole the bags.
If you got some old meatloaf in there.
Yeah, exactly, so I would go to school with these little-
Oh, no, with the corn on the cob.
Those little pokers in it.
How you guys doing?
Things are good on the farm.
Had to kill a horse this morning.
I would bring-
Anybody see my guinea pigs?
I remember my lunches.
When I lived in Roanoke, we had-
Every day of the week was a different fast food restaurant.
So that was like Monday-
Wait, at school?
At school.
Roanoke Catholic.
Roanoke Catholic School, when I was 39, when I was 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, it was
Monday was Pizza Hut, Tuesday Taco Bell, Wednesday's Checkers Burger.
They would bring it in?
Oh, yeah.
You would order in the morning and then you would get it for lunch.
What?
Wild.
I know.
Looking back, that's crazy.
I don't go to school there now.
I don't-
They must-
I've got two years of eligibility left.
I do.
They must-
I have a football team down here.
Must have changed it.
I mean, they must-
That's insane.
That's not-
There's no way they're doing that.
They fed kids fast food every single day.
Every day.
That's fucking awesome.
It's crazy to think about that now.
And then when I was bringing bag lunch to school, all I really remember, there
were a lot of Lunchables.
That was a big, big, I know.
What?
It's trash.
Yeah, but like-
Sure, I get it.
I mean, for a kid, it's a dream.
Yes, yes.
Of course.
And so, but I do remember a lot of, like, a bagel that just wrapped in saran
wrap.
Do you know what I mean?
That you would buy or you would take?
I mean, I guess my mom would make- there was just, like, a bagel wrapped in saran
wrap with, like, cream cheese.
Like, I remember that was, like-
Because, you know, you would go to- everyone would pull out their lunch, and it
was basically just a parenting competition.
Like, you would, like, open your lunch.
My mom, bless her, she would put- sometimes she would have, like- she'd have
friends over.
She was very, like, social.
There would just be, like, a steamed artichoke.
Like, no one-
Like, one-
And a receipt for a scarf.
Two oysters.
Because she would do the events at Bloomingdale, so she would bring home
whatever was, like-
Leftovers, or sometimes in my-
Eating three-day-old deviled eggs and shit?
It's like that.
It was just, like, a thing of brie cheese.
Like, what is this?
Like-
Just the rind?
Yeah.
And then my dad, you know, worked at that hotel in West Virginia, so he would
bring food home
in big tins.
Shit.
Go to school with a waffle maker?
Salisbury steak.
He would bring home.
So I would bring Salisbury-
That doesn't carry well.
I would bring Salisbury steak.
What even is Salisbury steak?
It's a hamburger.
I don't even know what it is.
I can't even tell you.
Hamburger with gravy on it.
Breaded steak, or whatever it was, and then he-
Chicken fried steak.
Chicken fried steak.
Okay.
Damn, that's pretty classy.
So I'd bring that in.
Glassy.
No.
She's an eight-year-old eating chicken fried steak in West Virginia.
Not classy.
Kind of a Sephora bag.
Yeah, yeah.
Jesus.
Riddle wrapped in a rhyme here.
Man.
Now we're getting somewhere.
Anyone in your family have a standalone hot tub or an above-ground pool?
Yes.
So in Texas, Sherman, Texas, my aunt Sandy had the above-ground pool.
Yeah.
You have to get in a ladder, the whole thing.
Any magicians in the family?
No.
Any beekeepers?
No.
But I am-
What?
This isn't good.
I gotta nest the hornets by the garage.
I do have so many bees where I live, because I'm the last water source for like
160 acres
for the bees.
So I'm like-
What?
I know.
So I like remove the queens and try to like humanely-
Like you yourself or you hire somebody?
Well, I've hired someone that helped me know how to do it, and then I'm gonna
start getting
hives and like having bees.
That's pretty cool.
But because my friends come over with their kids and they're covered in bees,
like I can't
do this.
They're all allergic to the queen.
Cody's got a bee suit on.
They can't even eat peanuts, much less bees.
Yeah, mussels go toe-to-toe with the queen.
Exactly.
So I am gonna have bees soon.
But how do you know that your property is the only source of water for a
hundred and
how many acres?
Because-
That's pretty classy that you know that.
That is.
That is.
Right.
That means there's not a lot of people close to you.
That's correct.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
I'm in the end of a cul-de-sac in a place called basically Topanga Canyon,
which is why I
moved there.
I mean, I wasn't planning on staying in LA.
Do you have a gate in front of your house?
You know what I need?
I need a holler because-
What's a holler?
Holler, holler, holler.
So West Virginia, Virginia of hollers, which is like you're in mountains.
Like I need to feel like I'm in-
I got you.
Okay.
My like West Virginia ancestor.
Do you have a gate at the house?
Yes.
Really?
Is it like a, what is it, like a pad or-
It's like a keypad.
So I'm in a, there's like four houses in the cul-de-sac and there's a gate.
Is there a gate to get into the cul-de-sac?
And then there's another gate to get into your house.
Woo!
That's where you guys get.
That's my name.
I knew this was going to count against me.
This is, I mean-
This is good.
This is what the people tune in for.
But it's not so much about keeping people out as it's keeping my-
Keeping your bees in.
Pipples in.
Can't let the bees get away.
Don't steal my queen.
I swear to God.
I need the honey.
You're a fucking, you're something else, Whit.
You have pit bulls?
Yes.
How many dogs do you have?
You have a lot, don't you?
Which pit bulls are like, I-
I remember Tim mentioned something about you having pit bulls.
Yes, yes.
So I've got a Great Dane Staffie pit, a Ridgeback pit.
Just got, yeah, I have many of them.
Man, you don't need to-
Yana saved my life once.
Yeah, Yana stayed at my house a couple months ago.
Did you get bit?
Oh, did he or me?
Did you?
Well, yeah, I've got that finger is pretty much jacked.
This finger and then this ear was bitten off.
Whoa!
By your dogs?
Well, this was a dog that I was fostering that was, I was like rehabilitating
to rehome.
So I'll take dogs that were in the dog fighting morass in LA and try to rescue
them.
Can you see it though?
Can I see it?
I'm trying not to look at it.
Look at you.
That's classy and trashy all at the same time.
Your heart's in the right place.
You have a dog bite on your ear?
What the fuck?
You're an executive producer for God's sake.
You've created television shows.
It was hanging off the side of my head.
I can try to find the book.
Stick to the bees.
That's the only time I can be like, hey, collect more bees.
But that's very sweet that you do that.
Yeah, it's very sweet.
I can trust you to dog myself.
Oh, yeah, what kind?
Oh, pit bull.
They lied to me.
They said it was a shepherd lab.
Did the DNA test.
Oh, you don't want a shepherd.
Total was a beagle.
Well, there's no such thing.
I thought it was a chihuahua.
They got me.
Okay, it's a coyote.
I need some help.
Okay.
You got a pool at the house now?
Yes.
Hot tub?
Yes.
Stone?
Yes.
Salt water or fresh water?
Ozone.
What the fuck is that?
I don't know what that is.
I had Alon go get water from that.
That's from Mars.
It's half chlorine.
You know that water they found on Mars?
The only pool at moon water.
It's only Scientology blessed water.
No, it's half salt water, half chlorine.
Okay, cool.
Yeah, I believe that's what it's called.
Or sometimes when I have these conversations, I go, my pool guy scammed me.
Yeah, I don't know if that's a thing.
That's not a real thing.
He stole two gates and was like, I can pull the wool over her eyes.
You guys, it's only an extra six grand a month.
It's filled with dyed sun kiss.
So it's like a little bit of both because you don't want all the algae and the
bullshit.
Yes, I was just watching a show where they talked about that.
That's pretty classy.
Nice, nice, nice.
Okay.
What's the garage situation at the house now?
The garage I have converted into a gym.
Okay.
And put dog crates in it.
Nice.
How many cars could it be?
Two car garage, three car garage?
Four.
Four?
The garage is a four car garage.
Damn.
You have a refrigerator in there?
Yes.
You got sodas and snacks?
But I put the refrigerator in there.
That's cool.
When I bought the house, there was no refrigerator in the garage, which I found
disgusting and
classless.
Okay.
So in Texas and in Virginia, D.C., we didn't have this, but you always have a
second fridge.
100%.
The garage fridge.
For the Blue Bell ice cream, for the meat, for leftovers.
The beers, whatever.
Yeah, exactly.
Dr. Peppers, the soda.
It's like the drink fridge and the leftover fridge.
Yes.
Yes.
Yeah, you have like four cakes from people's weddings to eat at your first
anniversary that
you never get to.
Which we've done.
That was one of the original questions of the show, the impetus of the show.
The garage fridge.
The garage fridge.
And it is inherently, it's great, it's convenient, but it's inherently trashy
because it was always
you got a new fridge inside and go, it's a trashy mentality to be like, we can't
throw
away this fridge.
Of course.
Just plug it into the garage.
Oh yeah, my family's in Texas and in Virginia, even when you're done with a car,
you just leave
it on the front lawn.
You don't throw, the idea of throwing anything away.
That's parts, baby.
But also in Texas, it was also not the fridge that was too open.
It was a square that you, it was like what animal, it's like what murderers put
body parts,
you know, it's a chest fridge and it's all ice cream.
Okay.
Shout out to the ice box.
Yeah.
I like it.
I like it.
But also fridge, garage fridge, what color?
They're typically what?
The trashy ones are, well, you got to see, I'm assuming you're stainless steel.
You have a double open one?
Mine is black Whirlpool.
What's Whirlpool?
Whirlpool.
Oh, Whirlpool.
You don't have, you're not, you're not banging with a Sub-Z out there?
And no, it's just a black Whirlpool and you can get ice, crushed ice and a
drink from it.
What are you, what are you, what are you banging with inside?
You got stainless steel inside.
Yeah, you got a Sub-Z in the house.
Yes.
You're not, if you have a Whirlpool in the house.
Did you, did you redo this joint that you're in now?
Did you, did you gut it and hook it up?
Redid it, yeah.
I've seen Instagram stories.
It's a nice place.
It is, it is, it's very beautiful but I actually wanted to make it look older
so a lot of people don't maybe appreciate that.
Like it looks like an old, like I basically said I wanted to look like a rehab
in Spain.
Like it's very cozy, fireplaces everywhere.
Like it's, but it was made less modern.
Like a football player or something owned it before me and it was all these
like, like drippy ass like fireplaces with the crystals that turned lime green
and purple.
Too flashy.
So I kind of made it more lo-fi.
You have an island in the kitchen?
Yes.
Nice.
And what is the refrigerator?
Is it a Sub-Z?
Viking, what do you got?
Viking?
I would, shit, I don't know.
Hmm.
But it's, it's pretty good.
Does it open like that?
Yes.
And then, we have a, you know what it is?
I covered it.
So it looks like a cabinet.
It looks like a cabinet.
So I don't.
Holy shit.
I know.
That's, that is, that is luxury.
I basically was like, if I can just not see all the brands of everything or
just seeing my own clutter.
So, the two things on the other side of the fridge, you know, that would be
shelves of like pantry and shelves, has doors.
So you can just, instead of having to clean it, you can just close two doors.
I like it.
And it's gone.
Are any of the bookcases doors?
Yeah.
Do you have any like trap doors where you're like, pull this fucking candlestick?
Yeah, you got a panic room or anything?
Yeah.

Fast Food for School Lunch w/ Whitney Cummings - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip

Are you garbage?
Sunkist says, alright, what were the lunch situations going to school when you
were a kid?
Sure, so my mom worked at Bloomingdale's, and so she would bring home the bags.
It would say, little brown bag.
That was like the richest shit to me.
Little brown bag, medium brown bag, big, big brown bag.
Yes, which if you shopped at Bloomingdale's, it was rich as shit.
If you worked there and just stole the bags.
If you got some old meatloaf in there.
Yeah, exactly, so I would go to school with these little-
Oh, no, with the corn on the cob.
Those little pokers in it.
How you guys doing?
Things are good on the farm.
Had to kill a horse this morning.
I would bring-
Anybody see my guinea pigs?
I remember my lunches.
When I lived in Roanoke, we had-
Every day of the week was a different fast food restaurant.
So that was like Monday-
Wait, at school?
At school.
Roanoke Catholic.
Roanoke Catholic School, when I was 39, when I was 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, it was
Monday was Pizza Hut, Tuesday Taco Bell, Wednesday's Checkers Burger.
They would bring it in?
Oh, yeah.
You would order in the morning and then you would get it for lunch.
What?
Wild.
I know.
Looking back, that's crazy.
I don't go to school there now.
I don't-
They must-
I've got two years of eligibility left.
I do.
They must-
I have a football team down here.
Must have changed it.
I mean, they must-
That's insane.
That's not-
There's no way they're doing that.
They fed kids fast food every single day.
Every day.
That's fucking awesome.
It's crazy to think about that now.
And then when I was bringing bag lunch to school, all I really remember, there
were a lot of Lunchables.
That was a big, big, I know.
What?
It's trash.
Yeah, but like-
Sure, I get it.
I mean, for a kid, it's a dream.
Yes, yes.
Of course.
And so, but I do remember a lot of, like, a bagel that just wrapped in saran
wrap.
Do you know what I mean?
That you would buy or you would take?
I mean, I guess my mom would make- there was just, like, a bagel wrapped in saran
wrap with, like, cream cheese.
Like, I remember that was, like-
Because, you know, you would go to- everyone would pull out their lunch, and it
was basically just a parenting competition.
Like, you would, like, open your lunch.
My mom, bless her, she would put- sometimes she would have, like- she'd have
friends over.
She was very, like, social.
There would just be, like, a steamed artichoke.
Like, no one-
Like, one-
And a receipt for a scarf.
Two oysters.
Because she would do the events at Bloomingdale, so she would bring home
whatever was, like-
Leftovers, or sometimes in my-
Eating three-day-old deviled eggs and shit?
It's like that.
It was just, like, a thing of brie cheese.
Like, what is this?
Like-
Just the rind?
Yeah.
And then my dad, you know, worked at that hotel in West Virginia, so he would
bring food home
in big tins.
Shit.
Go to school with a waffle maker?
Salisbury steak.
He would bring home.
So I would bring Salisbury-
That doesn't carry well.
I would bring Salisbury steak.
What even is Salisbury steak?
It's a hamburger.
I don't even know what it is.
I can't even tell you.
Hamburger with gravy on it.
Breaded steak, or whatever it was, and then he-
Chicken fried steak.
Chicken fried steak.
Okay.
Damn, that's pretty classy.
So I'd bring that in.
Glassy.
No.
She's an eight-year-old eating chicken fried steak in West Virginia.
Not classy.
Kind of a Sephora bag.
Yeah, yeah.
Jesus.
Riddle wrapped in a rhyme here.
Man.
Now we're getting somewhere.
Anyone in your family have a standalone hot tub or an above-ground pool?
Yes.
So in Texas, Sherman, Texas, my aunt Sandy had the above-ground pool.
Yeah.
You have to get in a ladder, the whole thing.
Any magicians in the family?
No.
Any beekeepers?
No.
But I am-
What?
This isn't good.
I gotta nest the hornets by the garage.
I do have so many bees where I live, because I'm the last water source for like
160 acres
for the bees.
So I'm like-
What?
I know.
So I like remove the queens and try to like humanely-
Like you yourself or you hire somebody?
Well, I've hired someone that helped me know how to do it, and then I'm gonna
start getting
hives and like having bees.
That's pretty cool.
But because my friends come over with their kids and they're covered in bees,
like I can't
do this.
They're all allergic to the queen.
Cody's got a bee suit on.
They can't even eat peanuts, much less bees.
Yeah, mussels go toe-to-toe with the queen.
Exactly.
So I am gonna have bees soon.
But how do you know that your property is the only source of water for a
hundred and
how many acres?
Because-
That's pretty classy that you know that.
That is.
That is.
Right.
That means there's not a lot of people close to you.
That's correct.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
I'm in the end of a cul-de-sac in a place called basically Topanga Canyon,
which is why I
moved there.
I mean, I wasn't planning on staying in LA.
Do you have a gate in front of your house?
You know what I need?
I need a holler because-
What's a holler?
Holler, holler, holler.
So West Virginia, Virginia of hollers, which is like you're in mountains.
Like I need to feel like I'm in-
I got you.
Okay.
My like West Virginia ancestor.
Do you have a gate at the house?
Yes.
Really?
Is it like a, what is it, like a pad or-
It's like a keypad.
So I'm in a, there's like four houses in the cul-de-sac and there's a gate.
Is there a gate to get into the cul-de-sac?
And then there's another gate to get into your house.
Woo!
That's where you guys get.
That's my name.
I knew this was going to count against me.
This is, I mean-
This is good.
This is what the people tune in for.
But it's not so much about keeping people out as it's keeping my-
Keeping your bees in.
Pipples in.
Can't let the bees get away.
Don't steal my queen.
I swear to God.
I need the honey.
You're a fucking, you're something else, Whit.
You have pit bulls?
Yes.
How many dogs do you have?
You have a lot, don't you?
Which pit bulls are like, I-
I remember Tim mentioned something about you having pit bulls.
Yes, yes.
So I've got a Great Dane Staffie pit, a Ridgeback pit.
Just got, yeah, I have many of them.
Man, you don't need to-
Yana saved my life once.
Yeah, Yana stayed at my house a couple months ago.
Did you get bit?
Oh, did he or me?
Did you?
Well, yeah, I've got that finger is pretty much jacked.
This finger and then this ear was bitten off.
Whoa!
By your dogs?
Well, this was a dog that I was fostering that was, I was like rehabilitating
to rehome.
So I'll take dogs that were in the dog fighting morass in LA and try to rescue
them.
Can you see it though?
Can I see it?
I'm trying not to look at it.
Look at you.
That's classy and trashy all at the same time.
Your heart's in the right place.
You have a dog bite on your ear?
What the fuck?
You're an executive producer for God's sake.
You've created television shows.
It was hanging off the side of my head.
I can try to find the book.
Stick to the bees.
That's the only time I can be like, hey, collect more bees.
But that's very sweet that you do that.
Yeah, it's very sweet.
I can trust you to dog myself.
Oh, yeah, what kind?
Oh, pit bull.
They lied to me.
They said it was a shepherd lab.
Did the DNA test.
Oh, you don't want a shepherd.
Total was a beagle.
Well, there's no such thing.
I thought it was a chihuahua.
They got me.
Okay, it's a coyote.
I need some help.
Okay.
You got a pool at the house now?
Yes.
Hot tub?
Yes.
Stone?
Yes.
Salt water or fresh water?
Ozone.
What the fuck is that?
I don't know what that is.
I had Alon go get water from that.
That's from Mars.
It's half chlorine.
You know that water they found on Mars?
The only pool at moon water.
It's only Scientology blessed water.
No, it's half salt water, half chlorine.
Okay, cool.
Yeah, I believe that's what it's called.
Or sometimes when I have these conversations, I go, my pool guy scammed me.
Yeah, I don't know if that's a thing.
That's not a real thing.
He stole two gates and was like, I can pull the wool over her eyes.
You guys, it's only an extra six grand a month.
It's filled with dyed sun kiss.
So it's like a little bit of both because you don't want all the algae and the
bullshit.
Yes, I was just watching a show where they talked about that.
That's pretty classy.
Nice, nice, nice.
Okay.
What's the garage situation at the house now?
The garage I have converted into a gym.
Okay.
And put dog crates in it.
Nice.
How many cars could it be?
Two car garage, three car garage?
Four.
Four?
The garage is a four car garage.
Damn.
You have a refrigerator in there?
Yes.
You got sodas and snacks?
But I put the refrigerator in there.
That's cool.
When I bought the house, there was no refrigerator in the garage, which I found
disgusting and
classless.
Okay.
So in Texas and in Virginia, D.C., we didn't have this, but you always have a
second fridge.
100%.
The garage fridge.
For the Blue Bell ice cream, for the meat, for leftovers.
The beers, whatever.
Yeah, exactly.
Dr. Peppers, the soda.
It's like the drink fridge and the leftover fridge.
Yes.
Yes.
Yeah, you have like four cakes from people's weddings to eat at your first
anniversary that
you never get to.
Which we've done.
That was one of the original questions of the show, the impetus of the show.
The garage fridge.
The garage fridge.
And it is inherently, it's great, it's convenient, but it's inherently trashy
because it was always
you got a new fridge inside and go, it's a trashy mentality to be like, we can't
throw
away this fridge.
Of course.
Just plug it into the garage.
Oh yeah, my family's in Texas and in Virginia, even when you're done with a car,
you just leave
it on the front lawn.
You don't throw, the idea of throwing anything away.
That's parts, baby.
But also in Texas, it was also not the fridge that was too open.
It was a square that you, it was like what animal, it's like what murderers put
body parts,
you know, it's a chest fridge and it's all ice cream.
Okay.
Shout out to the ice box.
Yeah.
I like it.
I like it.
But also fridge, garage fridge, what color?
They're typically what?
The trashy ones are, well, you got to see, I'm assuming you're stainless steel.
You have a double open one?
Mine is black Whirlpool.
What's Whirlpool?
Whirlpool.
Oh, Whirlpool.
You don't have, you're not, you're not banging with a Sub-Z out there?
And no, it's just a black Whirlpool and you can get ice, crushed ice and a
drink from it.
What are you, what are you, what are you banging with inside?
You got stainless steel inside.
Yeah, you got a Sub-Z in the house.
Yes.
You're not, if you have a Whirlpool in the house.
Did you, did you redo this joint that you're in now?
Did you, did you gut it and hook it up?
Redid it, yeah.
I've seen Instagram stories.
It's a nice place.
It is, it is, it's very beautiful but I actually wanted to make it look older
so a lot of people don't maybe appreciate that.
Like it looks like an old, like I basically said I wanted to look like a rehab
in Spain.
Like it's very cozy, fireplaces everywhere.
Like it's, but it was made less modern.
Like a football player or something owned it before me and it was all these
like, like drippy ass like fireplaces with the crystals that turned lime green
and purple.
Too flashy.
So I kind of made it more lo-fi.
You have an island in the kitchen?
Yes.
Nice.
And what is the refrigerator?
Is it a Sub-Z?
Viking, what do you got?
Viking?
I would, shit, I don't know.
Hmm.
But it's, it's pretty good.
Does it open like that?
Yes.
And then, we have a, you know what it is?
I covered it.
So it looks like a cabinet.
It looks like a cabinet.
So I don't.
Holy shit.
I know.
That's, that is, that is luxury.
I basically was like, if I can just not see all the brands of everything or
just seeing my own clutter.
So, the two things on the other side of the fridge, you know, that would be
shelves of like pantry and shelves, has doors.
So you can just, instead of having to clean it, you can just close two doors.
I like it.
And it's gone.
Are any of the bookcases doors?
Yeah.
Do you have 