Name: Broke Date Nights w/ Kippy & Foley - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip
Uploaded: 2022-09-02T21:30:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Broke Date Nights w/ Kippy & Foley - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Broke Date Nights w/ Kippy & Foley - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-02. Transcript available.

Are you garbage?
Since this was, we were talking about finances before,
uh, this is from Eric.
Hey guys, still haven't had one read yet.
Have you ever had to split a transaction
between two different methods of payment
because you only had so much on one card?
Mmm.
I don't think I've ever had
to do it.
I've...
My old grocery store,
uh, the one that I lived in before,
the one I go to before I just moved last year.
But for some, I don't know what the hell,
what fucking CIA processing credit card machine they had.
But whatever you had in your account,
that's exactly what they would take out.
It wouldn't get declined.
So if I was buying $36 worth of shit,
I only had $20 on my card.
It would take the 20 out and go, you owe 16.
Oh, that is garbage.
Yeah.
So you can't even, you can't even lie.
Be like, I was traveling today.
They might've shut it down.
They just took whatever cash you had
so you look like a real fucking bazo.
What is that?
Sunny Delight Bank?
That's fucking trash.
It was whatever.
It wasn't the bank.
It was the fucking processing.
It can't be legal.
They know what you got.
They know right away.
And I'm like, oh, no.
What are you...
I'm like, you're still all $11.50.
I'm like, you just processed it.
You only had $22 in there.
I'm like, how the fuck do you know what I got?
Who you been talking to?
You been talking to Regis?
I got Touchdown Bank over here.
TD.
All right?
Run it again.
You never done the move cash and the rest on the card?
Sure.
100% I've done that.
At like a restaurant, maybe if we're like, hey, take the...
If it's like a big bill, you know what I mean?
If it's like a...
If there's a bunch of people out and like half the people got cash,
half the people got a card, and it's like, oh, here's...
Say the bill's like 400...
I'm making a bonus.
Say the bill's 400.
You're like, here, take 200 off and then put the rest on the card or whatever.
You can screw the waiter with that, though.
Because then people aren't thinking...
No, you always...
I mean, come on.
I'm a fucking gentleman.
I always tip well.
Of course.
A gentleman such as yourself.
Yeah, but I don't think I've ever had to fucking...
Done it at a 7-Eleven, Jewel Oscoe, Dominic's, all over the city of Chicago.
That was the move.
For what are you buying?
Anything.
You got fucking 30 bucks in your bank account.
You got 60 bucks cash.
You got to get a case of beer, bottle of vodka.
Booze, he's talking about.
Yeah.
I would still split it into two, Charles.
I've done that when I wasn't sure how much I had, so I go like, oh, I'll take
this.
And then I'm like, if I knew I had 50 bucks and then that came to 40, you know,
that came
to 40, and I go, oh, I'll also get this for eight bucks, like afterwards.
Have you ever been in a line with your...
That's my bet so I don't get fucking declined and like I got egg on my face.
True.
Have you ever been in a line with your girlfriend and been like, I'll get this
and you get that?
And the two of yous are in line together, making different transactions.
Oh, my buddy was the king of that.
He was like, I'll get these three things.
You get the pizza.
I hate that shit.
I put it all together.
I don't put it all together.
Yeah, it's nuts to me.
Yeah.
Put it all together and she's paying, all right?
She got...
I'll be over at the Super Bowl machine.
Who's got a quarter on them?
Who's got some scratchers.
One time, she came here to visit one time.
And remember those days when she would come for like two weeks?
I would check out and I'd have to like save all of my money up to fucking...
Yeah, I do.
To like five, take a couple of days off of work.
You missed that.
I was like, yeah, I do.
Yeah, whatever.
All right.
Yeah, you're commenting on my wife.
That's my wife now.
You would get hemmed up.
You hear that, Nadine?
She watches.
She listens.
Love you, buddy.
Happy birthday.
You would get hemmed.
Happy birthday.
Happy birthday to the...
First of all, I posted a picture.
It was like, hey, happy birthday to my wife.
And everybody was like, couldn't have been more kind of like, thank you so much,
the foreign
investor for helping the podcast.
It was like the sweetest thing ever.
A lot of people called me ugly, whatever.
Joke's on you, suckers.
I got a hot-ass wife, at least for now.
No, I remember in between those trips, what you're referring to is, she'd be
here, you
trip to Lights Fantastic for a couple of weeks, and you would be hemmed up.
Yeah.
And trying to fucking spin plates when she got here the next time to show the
broad a good
time.
Yeah, well, I was used to living, you know, we would just do shows every
fucking night
in the village, and drinking for free or cheap there at the Village Lantern.
Like, fucking dollar slices, maybe a cab ride, maybe.
If you were all banged up.
Yeah, if you were all banged up and I was going to fall asleep on the subway,
like I used
to sleep on the subway.
Heavy by hand, dude.
Just wake up.
Dude, I'd lived all the way uptown.
I'd wake up, like, out at the airport.
I should have been murdered a hundred times.
The one time, I count, I slept like nine hours on the subway.
I got like, I don't even do that in my apartment.
This is just a bit now.
And the coffee's great.
But the one time, so I was like, and I would be like, I got it.
That's an ego thing, too.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
Meanwhile, she got fucking more money.
I got nothing.
Especially with a new girl.
Yeah.
She's European, too.
I got to impress her.
So I'm like, I got it.
I got it.
And the one time, we were at this deli.
You don't got it.
I don't have it.
We were at this deli.
Deli?
Really pulling out all the stuff, huh?
No, we were getting like-
Hey, T-Bone, check out Mr. Romance over here.
Oh, I know that move.
No, we'll go somewhere authentic.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's how you spin that.
Real New York.
This is real New York.
Pumpkin Donuts.
Fucking Burger King.
I hear the king lives around here, actually.
Is he really the king of all the burgers in America?
No, you are.
Nothing on that?
It was good.
Okay.
But I remember, I was like, all right.
It was-
And those-
So now it's the weekend.
Charges are coming.
You don't know what's hitting, what's in there.
Because that's a fake number.
That's like being in the desert and seeing fucking a waterfall.
Oh, it's all lies.
That's a facade.
Whatever number's reflected on-
Fake news.
On a Sunday, ain't the real number.
That ain't the real feel.
You know what I mean?
Add the windchill to that thing, daddy.
It's getting cold out.
You better put your hat and gloves on, because Monday's going to be a fucking
blizzard.
So I knew I was hemmed up.
And I'm like, all right.
I'm like, I got it.
And I'm thinking I'm being sly.
And I check, I pull up the TD app.
And I fucking check that.
And I remember I had 52 bucks in or something.
So I bought, we were just getting like a drink or whatever at the deli.
And we were like, going somewhere.
And the next purchase was like $38.
I don't know about you, but that cranberry juice really filled me up.
Do Germans eat three meals a day?
Hey, we only do one over here.
Hmm.
Nice filling coconut water.
Well, guess I'm going to head in.
Let me see if we mosey on back to the plate.
It's 2 p.m.
Getting sleepy.
It must be the jet lag.
You didn't go anywhere.
No shit, dude.
38 beans?
So the next thing was like 38 beans.
And I'm like, oh, God.
I'm like, I'm going to be left with like fucking 11 bucks or something.
I go, I got it.
I got it.
And she goes, she literally goes, what are you doing?
You don't have it.
And I'm like, yeah, I got it.
I'm like, what are you talking about?
She's like, I saw your fucking bank statement when you, she goes, when you
check your account
at the deli.
She's like, you got eight bucks.
The jig's over.
I'm not, I'm not, clearly not with you for the money, bozo.
Man, embarrassed.
The rest of the trip was on her.
What also was tough was she would come here and not have Uber and Lyft because,
you know,
it's like a.
Oh, puts you in a tight spot.
Puts me in a tight spot.
So now I'm taking these $40 Ubers everywhere.
So I'd have to put her card in my, in my Uber account.
I'd be sitting somewhere on like 3rd Avenue, like typing her credit card.
Here for Nadine.
Your big head gets in the car.
Yeah, that's me.
Holy shit.
That's trash.
Yeah.
It's tough.
Tough.
Dude, I did that same move.
I did it this weekend.
These are on you, right?
Lyft was doing a promo and I'd just gotten a new card.
So I re-signed up and changed my name.
So every time I get in a car, they'd be like, for Jerry?
I'd be like, yeah.
My friends would be like, what the fuck?
Jerry.
Jerry.
Oh, man.
Talk about trying to scam the system.
The talented Mr. McMullen.
Rip off the mustache.
All right.
All right.
Oh, man.
We got a fucking barn burner here today, folks.
This is from Braxton.
Ever been to an Uncle Cracker concert?