Name: Two Long on the Toilet w/ Stuff Island - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip
Uploaded: 2022-09-09T21:21:49.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Two Long on the Toilet w/ Stuff Island - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Two Long on the Toilet w/ Stuff Island - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-09. Transcript available.

are you garbage no I almost died just I was I went fishing yesterday with my
brother and literally like I was completely out of sorts almost fell into
the water what kind of rig you on out there uh he's got I don't know he's got
just like a 8600 center console boat it's nice it is nice yeah yeah it was up
like 45 like a pure fishing boat knots or MPH's yeah yeah we went over to Long
Island we went over to Glen Cove yeah not so together now that's why we
complimented yeah we went yeah but I like I cut I cut a line I fucking like
over real
I like fucked up reeling somehow just burned a rod telling a great and a great
angler I gotta be
are brutal hit my head yeah it was just yeah to cut a line while I was attached
to a fish no no I just like I I hadn't stowed one of the rods properly and we
were like jumping around so it got wrapped around the rod next to it and then
one of
the hook on the lure like cut the line on the other rod so that must be a blast
it was an absolute I got hit in the head yeah I was like I was having like a
meltdown by the end I was like what the fuck is wrong were you guys drinking no
that's the problem no yeah I just slept like two hours that was a problem we
got
up at like four are they yelling at you like you're a greenhorn no it's just my
brother and he was just like he wasn't even yelling at me that was even worse
he's just disappointed in you he's just like doesn't want to hurt me you know
what I mean he's like I don't want to ruin fishing for me that kind of stuff
happens Chris told a story about his dad he's like he'd always resonate with
can I tell you it's so fucking funny I think about it all the time he goes my
dad said something to me one time and it just it stung so bad because he was so
disappointed he goes are you dumb honestly just tell me your mother and I will
figure it out if you're dumb that's okay
you're dumb that's okay we'll adjust I'll play the hand I was dealt are you
dumb or not are you dumb in the car after what another miserable report card he
was just like are you stupid genuine question are you dumb age wise here and he
literally goes because you don't seem dumb
but if you're dumb like we'll figure it out you're like we'll work the problem
yeah we'll call in a specialist we got another son that's fine but if you're
dumb we'll get a different car
what'd you get in your report what grade are you I mean it's all just it was
high school it was like because you're a smart kid no yeah smart sharp kid that's
right but I couldn't do school man I never understood like school is always
like a nightmare
well that's usually the determining factor of whether you're smart or not
I'm smart I just can't do school
dude schooling
it was just it was always bizarre to me when you'd like like I don't know they
wouldn't get a report on whatever the French Revolution and be like where's
your fucking report it's like you don't need my
you don't need my take on the French Revolution as a 16 year old there's no way
this is an emergency how are you this pissed about it you know what I mean just
I'll get it to you next week it'll also be garbage yeah it's not casual Fridays
though you have to turn your reports on why I'll get it to you next week what
is this office space
it's not pressing no one's gonna miss this that's a wild mindset were you a
good student Tommy I yeah I was really yeah I panicked that was the opposite I
was like not I wait till like the day before and then I'd fucking that's when I
shine I need I need the pressure I need the gun to my head I'm like alright let's
figure this the fuck out it's everything in my life it's like I let my anxiety
go all the way to the last minute cram and then go why don't you just enjoy the
process it worked out
he went to Drexel yeah it's a good school yeah I was uh I did well in high
school I used to always see the kids like taking their time like if they had a
report done in a week they'd like do a little bit each night or like they would
be reading chapters and like getting ready and I envied it like I was like I
would love to be in that world where it's like you know you're sitting on your
desk laying on your bed doing your homework and you're like your friends are
over and having a good time I'd come home I'd watch DuckTales throw my school
bag under my bed and then go throw a ball for fucking six hours in college
great great great great great great great it was even dorkier imagine in
college you just throw a VCR tape in just fucking watch DuckTales before Texas
at this point you're already drinking yeah yeah Tommy come on these girls want
to bang us tail spins on
a frat party like you know Scrooge McDuck who knows Scrooge McDuck
I was a shitty student
yeah I would just sit in the bathroom
what the fuck does that mean
well my mom would be like on the hunt to see if I was doing my homework and I'd
be like I gotta take a shit
and I would just literally the amount of hours
this is probably pre-cell phone
yeah
no I was literally because we had like our childhood toys like in a cabinet
still from when I would it was like bath time they were just like still in
there I would literally play with toys
man you two are really opening up here DuckTales fucking rubber duckies
you guys must have been beating them up with a stick and I used to talk to
people this early
except him and I
sometimes I'd hide Calvin and Hobbes in there and I would just sit in there for
hours in the bathroom
just reading Calvin and Hobbes
that's a dude that's for hours
for hours
your mom wouldn't knock on the door
she would
she would
she would
see my mom would
my mom
I get two knocks and then she's coming in
really?
oh yeah
fucking butter knife right to that thing
we had no locks on any door
throw a flash bang in at me
no locks
that's crazy
yes
no locked doors in your house?
no locked doors
wow
really?
just jammed open
you'd slow jerk off in a bunk bed
you can't rattle anything
yeah yeah yeah
that was the one of the one of the most terrifying experiences of my life
I remember being a kid and uh my brother was pissed at me
so he had primed like the bathroom door lock
so he had like left it open but locked it like the little knob
sure
so he was coming downstairs to like give me the business
and I like
so he started
we start getting into it
we're wrestling
I shake free
I sprint upstairs
slam the door
lock the door of the bathroom
and I'm like
oh
safe
but I had unlocked it
so literally
I had like slammed the door
locked it
and be like
oh
Jesus
I'll just let him cool off for a little bit
and he just got to the door
and opened it clean
and I was like
no
it was a jigsaw
who plays a trap like that
for their brother
holy shit
this is what I'm working with
the door opens to the brothers like
are you dumb
answer me
are you dumb
your dad and I want to know
are you dumb
we'll figure it out
you're hanging from a rope by your ankle
holy shit
you got a Calvin and Hobbes in your hand
you just put the Calvin and Hobbes in the middle of a little loop
dude it was straight up like Jurassic Park
with the guys on the toilet
and the T-Rex is just coming
what did you sit on the toilet
yeah
because I was like
I made it
I'm safe
also what else are you going to do in the bed
you're going to sit on the toilet
you're going to just lean against the wall
like a lunge
I like sitting on the tub
I was a sitting on the tub guy
they were like sitting on the toilet
I got hemorrhoids by sitting on the toilet too long
yeah
really
yeah growing up
it's the only place you could separate yourself from my brothers
and my family
we only had two bedrooms and one bathroom to share
so I would just go in the bathroom and like
I would grab a toy
Tommy tells stories
it sounds like you grew up in a shoe
it's definitely in black and white
it really is
one bathroom with five people is a lot
I mean not a lot
fuck
it's a lot of people
I'd grab a toy
and I'd sit on the toilet
and the bathtub was right in front of you
so the curtain
I acted like
I was like
I'm going to say Johnny Carson
yeah yeah
that's how old it was
and I'd bring like a toy
or something from my bedroom
and I'd act like
you know there was an audience there
and I would just describe whatever
I brought into the toilet
was the toy the audience
or was he your sidekick
no that was like
I was describing a toy to
to the crowd
like hey
I got Mr. Buttons here
yeah yeah yeah
did you ever get invited to the couch
I had a cabbage patch dog
give me the thumbs up one
doing good Tommy
just me and Richard Pryor
yeah
Tommy's sitting next to Don Rickles
he'd probably take like a little glass
for like for water in the bathroom
pretending like it's a little scotch and soda
he's smoking a sip
it's just apple juice
but I thought it was whiskey
Johnny how are you
good to see you
you want to see my sneaker or not John
Tommy I hear you were in elementary school today
that's what he is
look you can put the nose and the ears on
and take them off if you want
Johnny I tell you
I'm going back to packing a lunch
I'm telling you right now
I can't do it
with that food down there
no that is a debt collector for sure
Ian
do you answer wrong
do you answer numbers
that you don't have saved in your food
no way
Jesus Christ
no way
no way
no way
no way
no way