Name: Dream Jobs w/ Kippy & Foley - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip
Uploaded: 2022-09-13T22:33:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dream Jobs w/ Kippy & Foley - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dream Jobs w/ Kippy & Foley - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-13. Transcript available.

Are you garbage?
Speaking of cars, this is from user account New Homie here.
Is it garbage to drive a wrapped car to make extra cash on the side?
What does that pay?
Because I've thought about that.
Dude, I remember before I even got my license on.
I'm doing that.
You were.
I wanted to do it.
Yeah, make some fucking scratch.
What are you making?
Because there's a dude rolling around my neighborhood now with some energy
drink.
It's not Monster.
It's something.
It looks pretty whack, to be honest with you.
But he's a grown man, and he's just driving around in his car.
And I thought he might have been like a, what do they call it, a rep or
something.
But no.
He'll be an investor or something.
Maybe.
It says, with a legitimate car wrap, you can expect to earn roughly $100 to $450
a month,
depending on how much you drive and how big of an ad is on your vehicle.
What the fuck?
$450 a month, though.
Oh, $450?
Yeah.
That's the car payment right there.
That's what I'm saying.
I get the Jeep wrapped up.
That's not a bad idea.
Yes.
Yes, it is.
First of all, it's a lease.
I can't think you can wrap a lease.
What?
You can't just take it off before you turn it in?
I don't know.
I'm sure there's something.
Hmm.
Would you be willing?
I'll drive the AYG car around town.
Yeah.
I'm not paying you $450 a month to do that.
$400.
$375.
$210.
$210?
Pay my E-ZPass?
But it comes out of the AYG as an operating expense.
Okay.
I don't even know what that is.
Exactly.
Yeah, no.
I always wanted to do that.
That makes sense.
I mean, what the fuck?
If you...
I'm borderline, like, don't give a shit.
I'd be like, yeah, I'll fuck...
Like, I don't care about my...
I don't care about cars or anything like that.
So I'd be like, yeah, I'll fucking...
What would you have got?
What would you have...
Yeah, dude, fucking Lee's Hoagie's check.
A Lee's Hoagie?
Anything, dude.
Ooh, I like a Lee's Hoagie.
Anybody that was rapping, I would have, you know...
Shout out to Lee's Tuna Hoagie.
Fantastic.
Remember the Napa Auto Park delivery guys?
I always wanted to be one of them, too.
I remember applying for that job in college.
I wanted it so bad.
You would, like, drive...
You would, like, deliver car parts in a car.
Like, it was no truck or anything.
You were just in a car.
Not that weird little van.
Yeah, kind of.
Oh, fuck that little van.
Dude, just driving that thing.
That would be something Dr. Seuss built.
With the tunes blasting, cranking heaters all day.
Get out of hell.
Bunch of mufflers back there.
Yeah, come on.
Couple of fucking...
Couple of turn signals in the back.
Yeah, that'd be all right.
I would love a job...
What's your dream job outside of this?
An actor.
That's never gonna happen.
That was hurtful.
And unnecessary.
Baseball player.
Outside.
I mean, like, you had to go...
Picture.
No, this ceases to exist.
You have to go enter the workforce.
Right now?
Yeah.
Like, you don't have to learn the skills.
Like, just imagine you're skilled.
I would jump straight out that window.
Perfectly.
We're in the basement.
I go upstairs and I jump straight out that window.
If you had to enter the workforce in something.
The workforce?
Yeah, I don't understand what you're not getting about this.
What is it?
What is it?
A fucking wartime?
I gotta go fucking make bullets?
What are you talking about?
I would like to own my own hot dog place.
There you go.
Okay.
Why did you give me so much fucking pushback when you had the answer?
Because you made fun of my actor.
I was acting upset.
Which I truly was.
I'm a method actor.
I think you're a bald piece of shit who's shaped like a candle.
Whatever.
Yeah.
Hot dog Foley's.
And for the record, you know I think you're a great actor.
Hey, thanks.
Fingers are crossed.
Yeah.
Oh, but small hot dog joint.
That'd be fun.
Small hot dog joint.
You gotta get a hot area.
I want brick and mortar.
Okay.
Only do them a couple different ways.
I'm not doing this Hollywood bullshit.
No offense.
No Chicago.
Maybe a Chicago dog, to be honest with you.
All right.
Shout out to the bear.
There's nothing wrong with it.
That's what?
That's a pickle, green relish, ketchup, mustard.
Put it all on, throw it right in the trash.
Onions?
Nothing on that.
No ketchup.
No ketchup.
That's like rule number one for Chicago dog.
All right.
Please don't ruin this.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
Sports peppers?
Sports peppers?
Yep.
That's it.
No, I'm done.
Tomatoes.
You lost me.
No, not doing it.
Sports peppers.
Celery salt.
Celery salt.
All right.
Poppy seed bun.
Okay.
No, I'm not getting the poppy seed buns.
Chili dogs is where it's at.
That's what the kids want these days.
Doing plain, maybe a little kraut.
Make my own chili sauce.
My old man's got a really good chili.
Chili dog recipe.
That does involve celery salt, to be honest with you.
Look at this.
Full circle.
You lost me with sports peppers.
What's a sports pepper?
It's a guy that made pepper to play soccer.
You ate a Chicago dog and you enjoyed it.
I'm not saying I don't love it, but I didn't know I was eating something called
sports peppers.
That sounds made up.
There's hot peppers.
There's sweet peppers.
There's banana peppers.
There's roasted peppers.
I never heard of sports peppers.
You just, you didn't even name peppers.
You named genres of peppers.
It's true.
There's no pepper called the sport pepper.
Yeah, there is.
Is there?
Yes.
Where's it made?
What?
The Vienna peppers.
Yeah, it's made at the Vienna factory and it's goddamn delicious.
Sport peppers.
Why are you looking at me?
Somebody give me something.
Why don't you ask me to Google it?
He's the fucking, he's the Google guy.
He's talking to me.
I can't Google and defend the deliciousness.
I never heard of sports peppers before.
Just because you haven't heard of it doesn't mean they don't exist.
You're also the dumbest guy I know.
I mean, that's got to count for something here.
In flavor and appearance, sport peppers, which are from the capsium enum
species, are similar
to the Tabasco plant, just a little smaller in green or yellow instead of
bright red.
It's close to the pepperoncini, a milder pepper that tends to get pickled and
used in
the same way.
Shout out to the pepperoncini.
There's a pepperoncini fucking potato chip floating around out there.
Yeah.
Hachi.
Pepperoncini's are all right.
Pepperoncini.
I apologize about the sport pepper.
I'll consider the Chicago dog.
No, no, no.
Redo the menu.
For...
You get so mad when you don't know what something is.
I know.
$100,000 initial investment for 10% of the company.
No?
Well, for that reason, I'm out.
I think I would be some sort of a smaller...
Bald man.
Boat captain of some sort.
Yeah.
That would be great.
Where are you going to go?
Whatever the job requires.
What kind of boat?
Whatever.
A pirate?
Tugboat.
A tugboat?
Why not?
You're not tugboat material.
What are you talking about?
Maybe a sport...
You don't even know what hot fucking sport peppers are and you want to open a
hot dog stand.
What are you talking about?
The tugboat is the repo man of the sea.
Yeah.
I go fucking...
I'll go...
I'll go...
You know, whoever's behind on the bills.
Go flex on them a little bit.
Go fuck with carnival, huh?
I'm taking a boat right now.
Yeah, no.
I just remember I was just like...
We were like super stressed.
Fisherman?
I wouldn't mind that.
I grew up on...
I grew up on boats.
I love fucking...
I would...
You know, I love boats.
They're great.
Out on the water.
And you leave everything...
Lake or ocean?
Either.
I mean, preferably ocean.
But you leave everything on the fucking lake.
You're just like, that's out there.
That's fucking...
You fucking wackos deal with that.
I'm out here cruising.
A lot of Bernie's.
I'd go back...
If you're on a boat, Bernie's and Coors Lights.
But I just don't see how you would make...
I'm driving a boat at the end of the day.
You know what I mean?
I can't get too fucked up.
What would you actually do?
Whatever.
See, you can't...
That's not specific.
I need a specific job.
Hot dog sting.
I gave you tugboat captain.
Tugboat captain?
Yeah.
All right.
You want to be a tugboat captain?
I can get behind that.
Don't you have to join the Coast Guard to do that?
No.
Oh, really?
The Coast Guard's an armed...
It's one of the armed services.
Well, who rides the tugboats?
You think tugboats come from the Coast Guard?
I thought tugboat was a government job.
The people running the harbor out there, they're not all...
I figured that'd be a city job.
You're like a tow truck driver.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah?
I'm sure there's third-party tugboats.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Tugboats are expensive.
Yeah, I'm not buying it.
I mean, maybe I do.
Maybe it's a lease to own.
Owner-operator type thing.
Okay.
Yeah.
I wouldn't mind driving.
I like driving, but I don't want one of those big rigs.
Give me something small.
Fuck that.
Give me like a sprinter van or something.
Making deliveries.
Wouldn't mind making deliveries.
Oh, I don't like traffic.
No traffic deliveries, I'm in.
Nothing too big either.
As long as I can drive my tugboat on the highway.
Tugboat with wheels.
How about a duckboat, Captain?
That'd be good for you.
Nah, that combines traffic and, you know, I, I, I, no.
And plus, I'm dealing with the people.
I remember I was super stressed out driving home.
It's late at night.
We were leaving here.
And there was this guy in the East River on a fucking, some sort of ship.
Nothing, not huge to the point where you're like, how do I navigate this?
But like a, you know, a, a, a nice sized vessel, I'll call it.
Sailboat?
He had about 13 souls on board.
Really?
And, uh, it was, I was just like, that's his only thing.
That's his only worry at that moment is just driving that, is getting that boat
to where
it's got to go.
There's no other, I got to see what happens or whatever.
This guy's just, his sole focus at that moment is driving that boat.
You know, that's what I would love that.
You know where I'd get nervous?
Where?
The bridges.
When the bridges go up, they're going to hit them.
I wouldn't like that.
Yeah, they go up so you don't hit them.
I know, they're scary.
Okay.
Plus I feel like if you...
That's why you're a land mammal.
You're in there eating hot dogs.
I'm making the hot dogs.
You don't think you're eating hot dogs?
I'll have one.
Maybe.
At lunch.
And I'll sell chocolate milk too.
I'll get the best chocolate milk.
Maybe make my own.
Because a hot dog and chocolate milk is a fantastic combination.
I think I see a good, a bright future.
Really?
I would also love to own a cafe.
Like a, get it like in a small town.
Mm-hmm.
The coffee shop in a small town on like Main Street.
I just don't want to get up early.
You got to be there at fucking 5 a.m.
to open up these motherfuckers and get their coffee.
I'd open up around noon.
After I had a bacon, egg, and cheese.
Couple of heaters.
Your clothes, you're in there eating breakfast.
Come back.
I'm yelling at them.
Smell the bacon and the coffee coming out.
Yeah.
Dirt bag.
Maybe in another life.
Or maybe when we retire.
Maybe.
We can do that.
We each go our own way.
We open up a hot dog cafe on a tugboat.
What?
Open up a hot dog cafe on a tugboat.
I wouldn't mind that.
Would you come?
Would you?
If I had captained a boat, would you come out?
I would have.
There would have to be some kind of catastrophic fall or something.
What?
I'd have to lose my legs or something.
What do you mean?
Like Lieutenant Dan.
Otherwise, if I bought a boat and learned how to.
I mean, I know how to drive a boat, but got my license.
Yeah.
Would you come out on the boat with me?
What am I doing?
We're going out for a nice, relaxing day.
Oh, yeah.
Of course.
I'd come out once.
You don't think if I'd come work for you.
No.
You think I want you on my boat to work for me?
That's what I thought you meant.
Get out of here.
You're not.
You?
You're not worth your weight.
What are you talking about?
You'd be some greenhorn on the USS Baldy.
Yeah, right.
You're nuts.
You'd be eating all the bait.
I'd buy a submarine and sink you.
Get caught in a crab pot.
All right, here.
Let's see.
Let's see.

Dream Jobs w/ Kippy & Foley - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip

Are you garbage?
Speaking of cars, this is from user account New Homie here.
Is it garbage to drive a wrapped car to make extra cash on the side?
What does that pay?
Because I've thought about that.
Dude, I remember before I even got my license on.
I'm doing that.
You were.
I wanted to do it.
Yeah, make some fucking scratch.
What are you making?
Because there's a dude rolling around my neighborhood now with some energy
drink.
It's not Monster.
It's something.
It looks pretty whack, to be honest with you.
But he's a grown man, and he's just driving around in his car.
And I thought he might have been like a, what do they call it, a rep or
something.
But no.
He'll be an investor or something.
Maybe.
It says, with a legitimate car wrap, you can expect to earn roughly $100 to $450
a month,
depending on how much you drive and how big of an ad is on your vehicle.
What the fuck?
$450 a month, though.
Oh, $450?
Yeah.
That's the car payment right there.
That's what I'm saying.
I get the Jeep wrapped up.
That's not a bad idea.
Yes.
Yes, it is.
First of all, it's a lease.
I can't think you can wrap a lease.
What?
You can't just take it off before you turn it in?
I don't know.
I'm sure there's something.
Hmm.
Would you be willing?
I'll drive the AYG car around town.
Yeah.
I'm not paying you $450 a month to do that.
$400.
$375.
$210.
$210?
Pay my E-ZPass?
But it comes out of the AYG as an operating expense.
Okay.
I don't even know what that is.
Exactly.
Yeah, no.
I always wanted to do that.
That makes sense.
I mean, what the fuck?
If you...
I'm borderline, like, don't give a shit.
I'd be like, yeah, I'll fuck...
Like, I don't care about my...
I don't care about cars or anything like that.
So I'd be like, yeah, I'll fucking...
What would you have got?
What would you have...
Yeah, dude, fucking Lee's Hoagie's check.
A Lee's Hoagie?
Anything, dude.
Ooh, I like a Lee's Hoagie.
Anybody that was rapping, I would have, you know...
Shout out to Lee's Tuna Hoagie.
Fantastic.
Remember the Napa Auto Park delivery guys?
I always wanted to be one of them, too.
I remember applying for that job in college.
I wanted it so bad.
You would, like, drive...
You would, like, deliver car parts in a car.
Like, it was no truck or anything.
You were just in a car.
Not that weird little van.
Yeah, kind of.
Oh, fuck that little van.
Dude, just driving that thing.
That would be something Dr. Seuss built.
With the tunes blasting, cranking heaters all day.
Get out of hell.
Bunch of mufflers back there.
Yeah, come on.
Couple of fucking...
Couple of turn signals in the back.
Yeah, that'd be all right.
I would love a job...
What's your dream job outside of this?
An actor.
That's never gonna happen.
That was hurtful.
And unnecessary.
Baseball player.
Outside.
I mean, like, you had to go...
Picture.
No, this ceases to exist.
You have to go enter the workforce.
Right now?
Yeah.
Like, you don't have to learn the skills.
Like, just imagine you're skilled.
I would jump straight out that window.
Perfectly.
We're in the basement.
I go upstairs and I jump straight out that window.
If you had to enter the workforce in something.
The workforce?
Yeah, I don't understand what you're not getting about this.
What is it?
What is it?
A fucking wartime?
I gotta go fucking make bullets?
What are you talking about?
I would like to own my own hot dog place.
There you go.
Okay.
Why did you give me so much fucking pushback when you had the answer?
Because you made fun of my actor.
I was acting upset.
Which I truly was.
I'm a method actor.
I think you're a bald piece of shit who's shaped like a candle.
Whatever.
Yeah.
Hot dog Foley's.
And for the record, you know I think you're a great actor.
Hey, thanks.
Fingers are crossed.
Yeah.
Oh, but small hot dog joint.
That'd be fun.
Small hot dog joint.
You gotta get a hot area.
I want brick and mortar.
Okay.
Only do them a couple different ways.
I'm not doing this Hollywood bullshit.
No offense.
No Chicago.
Maybe a Chicago dog, to be honest with you.
All right.
Shout out to the bear.
There's nothing wrong with it.
That's what?
That's a pickle, green relish, ketchup, mustard.
Put it all on, throw it right in the trash.
Onions?
Nothing on that.
No ketchup.
No ketchup.
That's like rule number one for Chicago dog.
All right.
Please don't ruin this.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
Sports peppers?
Sports peppers?
Yep.
That's it.
No, I'm done.
Tomatoes.
You lost me.
No, not doing it.
Sports peppers.
Celery salt.
Celery salt.
All right.
Poppy seed bun.
Okay.
No, I'm not getting the poppy seed buns.
Chili dogs is where it's at.
That's what the kids want these days.
Doing plain, maybe a little kraut.
Make my own chili sauce.
My old man's got a really good chili.
Chili dog recipe.
That does involve celery salt, to be honest with you.
Look at this.
Full circle.
You lost me with sports peppers.
What's a sports pepper?
It's a guy that made pepper to play soccer.
You ate a Chicago dog and you enjoyed it.
I'm not saying I don't love it, but I didn't know I was eating something called
sports peppers.
That sounds made up.
There's hot peppers.
There's sweet peppers.
There's banana peppers.
There's roasted peppers.
I never heard of sports peppers.
You just, you didn't even name peppers.
You named genres of peppers.
It's true.
There's no pepper called the sport pepper.
Yeah, there is.
Is there?
Yes.
Where's it made?
What?
The Vienna peppers.
Yeah, it's made at the Vienna factory and it's goddamn delicious.
Sport peppers.
Why are you looking at me?
Somebody give me something.
Why don't you ask me to Google it?
He's the fucking, he's the Google guy.
He's talking to me.
I can't Google and defend the deliciousness.
I never heard of sports peppers before.
Just because you haven't heard of it doesn't mean they don't exist.
You're also the dumbest guy I know.
I mean, that's got to count for something here.
In flavor and appearance, sport peppers, which are from the capsium enum
species, are similar
to the Tabasco plant, just a little smaller in green or yellow instead of
bright red.
It's close to the pepperoncini, a milder pepper that tends to get pickled and
used in
the same way.
Shout out to the pepperoncini.
There's a pepperoncini fucking potato chip floating around out there.
Yeah.
Hachi.
Pepperoncini's are all right.
Pepperoncini.
I apologize about the sport pepper.
I'll consider the Chicago dog.
No, no, no.
Redo the menu.
For...
You get so mad when you don't know what something is.
I know.
$100,000 initial investment for 10% of the company.
No?
Well, for that reason, I'm out.
I think I would be some sort of a smaller...
Bald man.
Boat captain of some sort.
Yeah.
That would be great.
Where are you going to go?
Whatever the job requires.
What kind of boat?
Whatever.
A pirate?
Tugboat.
A tugboat?
Why not?
You're not tugboat material.
What are you talking about?
Maybe a sport...
You don't even know what hot fucking sport peppers are and you want to open a
hot dog stand.
What are you talking about?
The tugboat is the repo man of the sea.
Yeah.
I go fucking...
I'll go...
I'll go...
You know, whoever's behind on the bills.
Go flex on them a little bit.
Go fuck with carnival, huh?
I'm taking a boat right now.
Yeah, no.
I just remember I was just like...
We were like super stressed.
Fisherman?
I wouldn't mind that.
I grew up on...
I grew up on boats.
I love fucking...
I would...
You know, I love boats.
They're great.
Out on the water.
And you leave everything...
Lake or ocean?
Either.
I mean, preferably ocean.
But you leave everything on the fucking lake.
You're just like, that's out there.
That's fucking...
You fucking wackos deal with that.
I'm out here cruising.
A lot of Bernie's.
I'd go back...
If you're on a boat, Bernie's and Coors Lights.
But I just don't see how you would make...
I'm driving a boat at the end of the day.
You know what I mean?
I can't get too fucked up.
What would you actually do?
Whatever.
See, you can't...
That's not specific.
I need a specific job.
Hot dog sting.
I gave you tugboat captain.
Tugboat captain?
Yeah.
All right.
You want to be a tugboat captain?
I can get behind that.
Don't you have to join the Coast Guard to do that?
No.
Oh, really?
The Coast Guard's an armed...
It's one of the armed services.
Well, who rides the tugboats?
You think tugboats come from the Coast Guard?
I thought tugboat was a government job.
The people running the harbor out there, they're not all...
I figured that'd be a city job.
You're like a tow truck driver.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah?
I'm sure there's third-party tugboats.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Tugboats are expensive.
Yeah, I'm not buying it.
I mean, maybe I do.
Maybe it's a lease to own.
Owner-operator type thing.
Okay.
Yeah.
I wouldn't mind driving.
I like driving, but I don't want one of those big rigs.
Give me something small.
Fuck that.
Give me like a sprinter van or something.
Making deliveries.
Wouldn't mind making deliveries.
Oh, I don't like traffic.
No traffic deliveries, I'm in.
Nothing too big either.
As long as I can drive my tugboat on the highway.
Tugboat with wheels.
How about a duckboat, Captain?
That'd be good for you.
Nah, that combines traffic and, you know, I, I, I, no.
And plus, I'm dealing with the people.
I remember I was super stressed out driving home.
It's late at night.
We were leaving here.
And there was this guy in the East River on a fucking, some sort of ship.
Nothing, not huge to the point where you're like, how do I navigate this?
But like a, you know, a, a, a nice sized vessel, I'll call it.
Sailboat?
He had about 13 souls on board.
Really?
And, uh, it was, I was just like, that's his only thing.
That's his only worry at that moment is just driving that, is getting that boat
to where
it's got to go.
There's no other, I got to see what happens or whatever.
This guy's just, his sole focus at that moment is driving that boat.
You know, that's what I would love that.
You know where I'd get nervous?
Where?
The bridges.
When the bridges go up, they're going to hit them.
I wouldn't like that.
Yeah, they go up so you don't hit them.
I know, they're scary.
Okay.
Plus I feel like if you...
That's why you're a land mammal.
You're in there eating hot dogs.
I'm making the hot dogs.
You don't think you're eating hot dogs?
I'll have one.
Maybe.
At lunch.
And I'll sell chocolate milk too.
I'll get the best chocolate milk.
Maybe make my own.
Because a hot dog and chocolate milk is a fantastic combination.
I think I see a good, a bright future.
Really?
I would also love to own a cafe.
Like a, get it like in a small town.
Mm-hmm.
The coffee shop in a small town on like Main Street.
I just don't want to get up early.
You got to be there at fucking 5 a.m.
to open up these motherfuckers and get their coffee.
I'd open up around noon.
After I had a bacon, egg, and cheese.
Couple of heaters.
Your clothes, you're in there eating breakfast.
Come back.
I'm yelling at them.
Smell the bacon and the coffee coming out.
Yeah.
Dirt bag.
Maybe in another life.
Or maybe when we retire.
Maybe.
We can do that.
We each go our own way.
We open up a hot dog cafe on a tugboat.
What?
Open up a hot dog cafe on a tugboat.
I wouldn't mind that.
Would you come?
Would you?
If I had captained a boat, would you come out?
I would have.
There would have to be some kind of catastrophic fall or something.
What?
I'd have to lose my legs or something.
What do you mean?
Like Lieutenant Dan.
Otherwise, if I bought a boat and learned how to.
I mean, I know how to drive a boat, but got my license.
Yeah.
Would you come out on the boat with me?
What am I doing?
We're going out for a nice, relaxing day.
Oh, yeah.
Of course.
I'd come out once.
You don't think if I'd come work for you.
No.
You think I want you on my boat to work for me?
That's what I thought you meant.
Get out of here.
You're not.
You?
You're not worth your weight.
What are you talking about?
You'd be some greenhorn on the USS Baldy.
Yeah, right.
You're nuts.
You'd be eating all the bait.
I'd buy a submarine and sink you.
Get caught in a crab pot.
All right, here.