Name: Poopin' Ya Pants w/ Kippy & Foley - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip
Uploaded: 2022-10-14T21:30:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Poopin' Ya Pants w/ Kippy & Foley - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-10-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Poopin' Ya Pants w/ Kippy & Foley - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-10-14. Transcript available.

Are you garbage?
It's not garbage.
I mean, yeah.
Especially then trying to make a move on it.
Ten years later.
Twenty years later.
What are you doing?
Hey, remember when I shit my pants and was crying?
Did you ever pee your pants somewhere where you weren't supposed to?
No, but you have.
No, I haven't.
Wait, wait, wait.
Where are you supposed to pee your pants?
Some places pay good money for that.
Ah.
What the fuck?
I don't even have a...
Well, it jumped in my head of like, have you ever peed your pants at like a
friend's house or school and you had to get the...
I remember if kids ruined their clothes in like mud, I don't think anybody peed
their pants.
But you would have to switch into like a pair of sweatpants from the lost and
found or whatever.
You were in the gym coach's sweatpants.
Gym coach's sweatpants.
I had to do that.
I would go over like my boy's house and be like, let's go swim.
We weren't planning on it.
And I have to wear like the dad's swim trunks or whatever.
You got a blazer on?
This guy stinks.
Well, we were like six.
I'm like, you got anything in an XL?
Ah, it's a tough look.
Seven-year-old double XL.
You got any fat uncles that left some clothes here?
Oh, man, that's tough.
No.
When I was thinking, husky was the big word.
Oh, yeah.
I thought it meant cool.
Tough skin is what we called them.
Yeah.
Tough skin.
They have like extra...
Maybe that's what can't be called the skin tags.
Extra padding in the knees.
Nothing on that.
Nothing on that.
Nothing on that.
That kippy's pretty funny.
Nothing on that.
Nothing.
We got to start recording with the air on.
I'm Schmetz.
That's a new thing, by the way.
No, never...
I shit my pants once in...
As an adult.
Yeah, sure.
All the time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, and as a kid.
That's more embarrassing.
Poop your pants at 40.
Things happen.
Everybody understands that.
Yeah?
I thought the opposite.
I think you get a shit in your pants pass until you're like 13.
Right?
13.
12?
11?
I don't know.
7.
7?
It's still hot.
Are you kidding me?
I think...
Yeah, that's hot.
I mean...
I don't know.
Dump a rooski?
Anyway, I dumped in my pants in...
I mean, I was catching Bernie's already.
I can't be fucking shitting myself and smoking Marb Reds.
Wearing somebody's dad's clothes, smoking Bernie's and shitting your...
Shitting in my buddy's dad's bathing suit and smoking...
Hey, Mr. Caruso, I shit in your underwear.
I apologize.
Let me get one of those cowboy killers, huh?
Tell the old broad to get the stovetop cooking, huh?
And fill up the trough.
Where's she at anyway?
She's a good-looking broad.
Trying to make a move on her?
I shit my pants in kindergarten.
Didn't say a word.
Kept it real low-key.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my.
Nobody sent me home.
Nobody said anything.
Nobody wanted to get anywhere near you, dude.
Smell like a fucking port-a-potty.
Oh, my God.
You're just sitting in your kicked asshole?
Dumped in it.
And it was so long before I got home, it had, like, dried and was, like, stuck
to my ass.
Had a power washer?
No, you know what's weird?
It's like an elephant.
In the mob movie of your life, you're like,
and that's the day I learned to keep my mouth shut.
And ever since then, I never ratted on nobody.
Everybody's like, hey, Foley always never rats.
Heard he shit himself at seven years old.
Didn't say a peep.
I learned the two rules of being a gangster.
Always keep your mouth shut and never shit in your pants.
Nobody said anything.
They were thinking stuff.
I know that much.
But why wouldn't the teacher come over and say something?
Because it was so long that I remember when I finally took the underwear off,
they had, like, dried.
Like, the poop had, like, dried in there.
And it was, like, sticking to my butt.
And I threw it in the hamper.
My mom never said a word to me.
To this day, we've never discussed.
She had to find that in there.
Sure.
Man, how about that surprise on a fucking Wednesday?
Yeah.
Trying to be a good mom doing the laundry?
Fucking ba-boom!
But I must have stunk, right?
Fucking, what?
Yeah, man.
You stink now and you don't have shit in your pants.
Yeah, it may not be true.
One can neither confirm nor deny these allegations you've set forth upon me.
And that's the day I learned you can shit your pants any time.
You know what I'm saying?
That's the joke.
And that's the day I learned.
You shit your pants.
Don't say nothing.
Keep your mouth shut.
Be a good kid.
No one's none the wiser.
Everybody shits their pants, kid.
Nobody cares.
Oh, man.
You are another kind of stupid kid.
You're peeing in your pants places.
No, I'm not.
Yeah, you are.
You basically admitted it.
Why would I not?
I bet you're the kind of weird kid.
Because, you know, like every once in a while.
I'd have peed to bed.
Give me a bed right now.
I'll pee it.
There was always that one kid.
Like, when kids are little.
But, like, I remember little kids have different little moves.
Like, when they were still in diapers and they had to take a shit.
Like, walk into the corner.
Yeah, they walk into the couch or whatever.
Yeah.
But, like, I had this one cousin who would stand there and look at you.
He would.
He'd stand there and get, like, this.
Through your soul, yeah.
He'd get, like, this weird look on his face.
And you'd just see, like.
And then, like, three seconds later, you'd get, like, a fucking frying pan to
the face.
Because little kid shit don't smell good.
No.
They like fruity pebbles.
Fucking bad look.
Oh, God.
That's funny.
Great question.
This is on the same.
This is a perfect, perfect segue.
This is from producer Perm.
Do you go over the top or through the fly to pee?
I think we've covered this.
Have we?
It's over the top.
I unbutton.
Unbutton what?
What do you mean?
My pants.
He's not talking about the jeans, dummy.
What are you, a psycho?
Oh, underwear.
This guy likes it rough, huh?
I didn't think of that at all.
I had to see the denim on my scrotum.
No, he's talking about underwear.
The underside of my bowl bag.
He's talking about your underwear.
Gotcha.
And if you're going through that little fucking, that little doggy door, you're
a psycho.
I remember seeing that when I was a kid, being like, this is like a fucking
medieval torture chamber.
I'm not putting my little guy in that.
Yeah.
Not with that parental supervision.
It's like a guillotine.
If the elastic's too tight, take the head right off.
Was this the French Revolution?
Yeah.
No, you go down and air it out.
You get some daylight on it.
Yeah, you go over the top.
You're sneaking out.
No, that's weird.
Also, too, as you get older, there's-
Who fits through that little thing anyway?
I mean, I'm no show-off.
No.
I can't get through there.
You kidding me?
I'm trying to think in the sheaths now.
It's not even a process to go-
He's go over the top, too.
Yeah, over the top.
Pull him right down.
My buddy's dad, when he's wearing shorts, he goes under the leg.
I go under.
I do, too.
Really?
Yeah, 100%.
I'd be at like a urinal down at Kenan's next to him, and he's like, I'm like,
yeah, what
the fuck are you doing?
Jesus Christ.
Like a soccer player?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like, dude, he'll fucking, like, he's got cargo shorts on.
Just fucking-
Yeah, I go under, too.
That's crazy.
It's easier.
No mess.
No mess.
No fuss.
No mess.
No.
But Jesus Christ, you're caught in a glitch.
Um, yeah, I, uh, yeah, if you're going through the hole, that's bonkos to me.
If you have boxers on, that's a little different.
You wear boxers, don't you?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, boxers make sense, because it's-
You go through it?
There's not the zig, there's not the dog, like, left down there.
Yeah.
Whatever that is.
If you have boxers, it's just the-
It's like a door in space.
You know, there's doors.
What?
Really?
Do-do-do-do.
Do-do-do-do.
Do-do-do-do.
Um, boxers, yeah, because it's just the window.
That makes more sense, right?
There's not, like, the double flap.
Sure.
It's just the-
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Boxers, I would.
Now, thinking back, I would go through with boxers.
And you still wear boxers?
Oh, yeah.
Can't put the python in a cage.
Jesus Christ, boxers.
They're old men boxers, too.
I know.
They're, like, now that they're, like, white with the gray lines on them.
Yeah.
No, no, no, plaid.
Hanes.
Nice.
Oh, man.
Classic.
I got new undies.
Oh, great.
Yeah.
What brand are you going with?
They're Hanes.
Halliburton?
He's come with shit already in them?
They're Caterpillar.
What?
Halliburton was great.
I mean, come on.
I don't know.
Caterpillar.
It's a $9 million no-big contract.
No, they're Hanes, and they're tighties.
I'm back to tighties.
Yeah, I need a little support in there.
I got a little bit of an issue going on.
Discuss it later.
Okay.
But right now, I'm all snug and nice.
It feels good.
No tag, either.
And no waistband to bunch up around my...
So, what do you have?
This doesn't even sound like underwear.
Just the sock wrapped her up.
Yeah, what do you mean, no waistband?
I mean, there's a waistband, but it's small.
It's not like the big strip.
They're not like old-school shitty tighty-whities.
They're new, cool tighty-whities.
Is that what your mother told you?
No, all the kids are wearing them.
We were strict tighty-whities growing up.
I bet you were.
Ah, the tighter, the better.
That's how she liked them.
All smooshed in there.
All right.
Jesus.
Brutal.
What were you wearing as a kid?
I told you, well, I had the infamous pair of silk boxers that I would wear as a
seven-year-old.
What are you asking about people's moms?
I remember, I told the story where we went swimming, and I had them all, like,
we, like, jumped
in the pool, and then we had to change, and, like, they, like, gave me a pair
of my buddy
shorts.
We were, like, seven, or, like, kids.
You know, they're like, oh, change into, you know, here's a pair of clothes
that are changing.
And I remember handing her, like, she was going to throw them in the dryer or,
like, hang
them out on the clothesline.
She, they were a pair of, like, the fucking floral fucking silk boxers.
Hey, go ahead, Dolphins.
Take a sniff if you want, huh?
I remember her looking at me, like, holding them up, like, what the fuck are,
what the
fuck are the Ryans doing?
This fat little fuck getting into.
Just kidding.