Name: Toilet Time w/ Kippy & Foley - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip
Uploaded: 2022-12-02T21:59:56.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Toilet Time w/ Kippy & Foley - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Toilet Time w/ Kippy & Foley - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-02. Transcript available.

Are you garbage?
I had a little son.
It's probably the most garbage thing I've done in quite a while.
You know, I have this new pup, right?
The dog.
The dog.
Hansi.
Shout out to Hans.
Head of security.
Hansi Ponzi.
But she has not reported for duty yet.
He has not.
When is his training going to be over?
What do you mean he's training?
When's boot camp over?
He's currently with some ex-Massad agents.
Really?
Really learning the ropes.
Man.
Yeah.
You know.
Fake noses and all that kind of stuff?
Yeah, everything.
Securing the hard drive type stuff.
He's more of an analyst.
But it was the middle of the night.
He's a little bit of a wonky sleeper, so we put him in this pen.
We got a pen for him.
And I woke up in the middle of the night.
Yeah.
And I had to tinky.
Take a leak.
But I didn't want to wake him up.
How are you not waking up a puppy?
What do you mean?
There's no way you can tiptoe around there.
That's what I'm saying.
I didn't want to wake him up.
I understand.
So I may have relieved myself.
What?
In a flower pot.
In the bathroom.
In the shower.
I didn't make it to the shower.
Because you didn't want to wake him up.
Because I didn't want to wake him up.
I was drinking.
I've been watching a lot of Columbo.
I got this.
I can solve it off top.
What do you got?
One more thing.
One more thing.
You were pissed into a Gatorade bottle on your couch.
You were very close.
It wasn't Gatorade.
It was Coke Zero.
Drop 50.
Wow.
Wide mouth.
A lot of room there.
Yeah.
Because trying to pee into like a regular bottle like this.
You don't stand a chance.
And then there's that gauge.
You got to be Wahlberg for that.
Then there's that gauge of how quick it's filling up.
And you can tell by how warm your hand's getting.
Yikes.
I've lost that in a driver's seat a couple of times.
Dropped a bottle?
No.
Well, I was peeing.
This was one time I was leaving the Raven Lounge.
I stopped at Wawa that used to be over there on Philmont Ave.
Know it well.
And Busselton.
Philmont Ave and Busselton up there in northeast Philadelphia.
No, I don't.
They don't have a bathroom.
This is before Super Wawa's.
They do.
But they don't want you using it.
Yeah.
They don't have a public bathroom.
So I had to pee real bad.
Real bad.
And there's like nowhere you can pee on the side.
Like I would have got jammed up.
I would have got like a public, you know, urination type deal.
And so I peed at a, you know, some sort of soda bottle or a Wawa iced tea
bottle.
And that didn't.
I mean, man.
All over the seats of the Montego.
And then I had to drive home.
And it was.
Were you doing it while you were driving?
No, I did it in the parking lot.
Okay.
Yeah.
Did you throw the bottle out?
No, I saved it and had it.
From breakfast.
Yeah, I threw the bottle out.
Yeah.
But it was not a, not a, not one of my best moments.
Where was the Trap 50 bottle?
I had taken it to sleep with me because I was sleeping on the couch.
Because he needs, he needed someone in the room.
Not anymore.
Now he's a big dog.
Was it empty?
Uh, yeah.
It might've been a, you know, a couple of mouse swigs in there.
Why'd you take it with you to bed?
I had something to swig on.
I think I was, you know, a couple of swigs.
What kind of, what was the consistency of the pee?
Some pulp?
Mostly pulp?
No.
As you know, I'm a no pulp man.
I strained it.
Was it, was it pee pineapple, pee cranberry?
What are we talking about?
Uh, yeah.
So it was just straight drop 50, peed in there.
And it was like, as I was doing, I'm like, well, this has to make the podcast.
It was one of like.
I think that's two garbage moves right there.
If I'm, if I, if I must interject.
I'm listening.
Bringing orange juice with you to bed.
It's all we had.
What?
Dude, warm orange juice.
Come on.
It wasn't warm.
It wasn't, what are you, it wasn't cold.
I finished it while I was sitting on the couch.
Okay.
And then I laid down and then it was like, you know, there was like that much
in the, I
was done with it.
Maybe if I would have woken up at three in the morning, I would have wet my
whistle a little
bit.
Sure.
You know what I mean?
Those days.
At that point, you just need, you just need moisture.
Doesn't matter.
I can drink the pee at that point.
Warm ginger ale in the middle of the night.
Nothing wrong with it.
There's nothing better than in the middle of the night.
I don't do it anymore, but I used to back in the day.
I was like hot.
The fucking air conditioning in my mom's house sucked.
So in like August, it would be 5,000 degrees upstairs.
And you just come stumbling down.
You were like high school or whatever.
Just like fucking, you know, in a haze, sweaty, you're fucking ringing your
neck's all wet
and drawn out and just getting like a cold, a cold bottle of fucking, a cold
two liter, a
Coke or something.
Night, night.
Really wet the fucking wissy.
Yeah.
I don't put you down.
I was all right.
I have severe stomach cramps right now.
Okay.
Then we want to place an over under bet on if he has to remove himself to go to
the bathroom.
And if so, what minute will that be at?
I'm going to put it at 42 and a half minutes.
Okay.
What are we at now?
Just so I have a benchmark.
We just hit 20.
Okay.
On the recording, not necessarily the episode.
All right, so we're just going to say we're about 17-ish.
I'm going to say you don't make it past 47 minutes.
Well, I got news for you.
I shit my pants.
I'm like the Hulk.
I already shit my pants.
I don't think it's coming from that direction.
You think it's coming out?
Yeah.
You're tossing your cookies, as they say.
Yeah.
Oh, dude, if you puke in here, we're going to have to move and I'm in a fight
with the
landlord at the moment.
I throw up right here right now.
You're upset with me?
I'm not upset with you.
I'm upset at the situation.
I'm literally doing this and leaving for two weeks so they can steam clean this
fucking
place.
Biohazard.
Get those guys from Monsters, Inc.
in here.
A little army guy comes out.
I asked Toby in the car.
Something on that.
I'm sorry.
I was steamrolling.
I apologize.
I asked Toby in the car.
I throw up in here.
Are you throwing up immediately?
No.
No, really?
I think you're underestimating how quick I'm out of here.
This is all.
This is a dead zone to me.
This is all.
This might as well be Chernobyl.
I'm I'm never using the computer again.
No.
Really?
It's a good way to get a new laptop.
I don't know.
You only puked on once, folks.
That's mine.
That's mine.
I told you growing up.
Like Jeff Goldblum.
We had a kid who could puke on demand.
What?
Yeah, it was pretty fun.
Jesus.
It's a good time.
You just go, Scott, puke.
And go, blah!
Seconds.
Oh, my God.
I don't know.
I don't mean I don't know if he's still alive at this point.
Yeah, that's not good, man.
Yeah, he could just, you know, pull the fucking cord and go.
This guy's going to trick that esophagus?
What the fuck?
Yeah, pretty wild.
Foley hit me with one that I haven't heard in a long time.
Because he was flat ginger ale to settle the stomach.
Did your mom do that growing up?
Gringe, for sure, ginger ale.
If we didn't have ginger ale's clear liquid, so we would do Sprite as well.
Dude, soda as remedy is so trash.
Dude, Sprite in the 90s might as well have been a health elixir.
I'm telling you, Sprite.
Oh, God.
Dude, that was a health drink where I came from.
I'd be drinking that on the side of the fucking soccer field.
Yeah.
And in the South, anytime you got a headache, it was, get you a can of Coke.
Yeah, the sugar will level you out.
You need some sugar and some caffeine is what you need.
And some of that BC.
You ever use BC?
The powder, the aspirin powder they have down there in the South?
It's real hick shit.
It's aspirin, but already crushed up.
Yes.
I do know what you're talking about.
That's Civil War type shit.
Fuck that, dude.
Dumping it in a bullet hole.
Get the fuck out of here.
In the factories in North Carolina, they would have a thing called the dope
cart,
where it was like a snack cart that would come around,
and they would give you Cokes, and they would pour BC powder into the Cokes.
Now, how would you know that, from your experience on the factory floor?
My grandfather was in textiles.
Oh, that's pretty good.
All right.
What was he doing in textiles?
Owning the company.
I was going to say, you don't say, when you're in something,
you're the financier or the owner.
You're the founders of Florida, for God's sake.
The original Florida man.
Yeah.
I wouldn't say my, you know.
I think in textiles is the way to go for the owner of the business.
That's what I'm saying.
Yeah.
I'm saying if you're on the line, you go, I'm in textiles.
No.
You're in whoever hired you.
You're in debt.
Yeah.
So are you.
Check out the Patreon.
you