Name: Christmas Presents w/ Kippy & Foley - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip
Uploaded: 2022-12-20T22:06:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Christmas Presents w/ Kippy & Foley - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Christmas Presents w/ Kippy & Foley - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-20. Transcript available.

Are you garbage?
What's the best present you've ever received?
Straight up.
So, my parents split.
I would say the fans of this podcast.
Love you guys.
It's fucking painful.
Merry Christmas to everyone.
Sometimes he just gets in these weird moods where I can't read them.
I don't know what's happening.
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.
He's got scratchers on the brain.
Best gift I ever got was...
So, my parents divorced and my dad was...
Obviously, my dad always went big to, like, you know...
My brother...
The one year...
Fucking...
To talk about a dad trying to outshine a fucking single mom.
What would you do?
We'd wake up in the morning...
At your mom's.
At my mom's.
Do presents then.
You always claim, like, I did presents as a kid the night before.
Sure.
I spin that narrative, yes.
And we'll continue to.
Yeah, I trash can't be in front of the fans.
Whatever.
The other day, thank God we lost the record and you really fucking trashed in
the intro.
Like, this guy, blah, blah, blah.
Making me look like a real piece of shit.
Yeah, well, why don't shit on you in the opening of the intro?
I'm going to start.
You make up for it for most of the episode, though.
And in real life.
Yeah, in comedy.
But you really fucking...
No.
You really needle.
I love you.
What do you mean?
Without you, what would I be doing?
Checking your phone.
Best pal, buddy.
We'd wake up.
We'd do presents at my mom's.
Is the other guy there?
Yeah.
Yeah, my stepdad was there.
Uh-huh.
From an early...
He wouldn't stay there early, early on.
How long before he was rolling in the front door?
How long before he was sleeping there from when the divorce was?
I don't know.
Three weeks?
Four weeks?
What are you talking?
The ink wasn't dry.
No, I was so young, I don't remember.
Oh, really?
Yeah, I mean, they got divorced when I was like three or something.
A couple of years after that, I think.
So, he would come in the morning.
It was before he was sleeping there.
Wow.
So, he would come early at like 7 o'clock in the morning or whatever.
Shout out to the stepdads.
That's a tough look.
Dealing with, coming in, dealing with you?
I'm eating my booger.
Your Christmas morning, you're eating boogers and shit.
Who's this guy?
Yeah, opening other people's presents.
I was a fucking wreck.
So, I fucking...
Yo.
Oh, sad little kippy.
So, we would do my mom...
Roll hanging out of your mouth?
We would do...
Your Christmas dinner rolls?
We would...
At breakfast?
We would...
Christmas dinner rolls at 7 a.m.
So, we would open the presents at my mom's.
And then, sometimes, they would team up and allude to a present I was going to
get at my dad's.
Because I caught my dad...
Your mom and dad.
I caught my dad when I was...
So, things were still somewhat okay.
Yeah.
It was for the kids.
I mean, they kept up...
Yeah.
You know, they kept up appearances for us.
I'm sure they hated each other.
But, when I caught my dad when he was still living at...
So, I was like 3.
And I caught him bringing down presents from the attic.
And I was like, what are you doing?
And he hit me with like...
I walked in on him and my mom like fucking having...
He's like, yeah, go back to bed.
You know what I mean?
And I'm like...
Give him smack.
I'm like, what are you doing, dude?
He's like, I'm helping.
So, he's got a fucking stack full of presents coming down from the attic.
I'm like, what are you doing?
He's like, I'm helping Santa.
I'm like, yo, I don't fucking...
I was already suspect about this whole fucking charade as it is.
Fucking...
You got to get up pretty early in the morning to full...
Go back and throw the cookies out.
Yeah.
So...
Don't addition the sink.
From a young age, I knew.
So, they would allude to like a big present I would get on my dad.
So, like, the one year, my brother got a go-kart and I got a mini-bike.
And...
Does it get any more trash than that?
But we got the helmets with our names on them at my mom's.
Like, we got like custom fucking like race car helmets.
Tell me you still have that.
You've got to have that somewhere.
I don't know.
That's got to be in here.
I got to see it.
We might...
What is this, Hot Rod?
Who are you?
It was that same...
It was the same one from Dumb and Dumber.
The little red one that they drive.
Oh, man.
That's what I got on like seven.
My brother got a go-kart.
That's seven?
And I...
Yeah.
So...
I doubt you could ride that.
No, I crashed at the first...
I got on my dad.
I was like, dude, let's fucking go.
Let's fucking take me to the fucking...
Seven.
Take me to the...
Went to this like big empty parking lot on Christmas Day.
And I made it fucking like 10 feet.
And I couldn't...
It's like you just hit the...
You rev the engine.
And I don't know.
I'm fucking gunning at a big cardboard dumpster.
Like, at a big dumpster for cardboard.
Why don't you try it in a field?
Not on asphalt.
I don't know.
So, I fucking dumped the bike.
I fucking...
I get fucking road burned all over my fucking arms.
Go home the next day.
I'm sitting there.
My mom's like, what happened to you?
And I'm like, I...
It's the first time I got caught lying to my mom.
I said, I fell off the monkey bars.
And she goes, that don't happen from...
She's like, you're lying to me.
That don't happen from monkey bars.
I'm like, you're right.
I dumped the bike.
Way to play cool, fatty.
The monkey bars.
Looks like I...
Looks like I got dragged behind a car for an hour.
And I said, the monkey bars got me.
Oh, man.
So, I found out early.
But they used to do that.
Wait, did you scratch up the bike?
So, you fucked up the present...
That would have been a problem.
If I broke anything Christmas morning, it was an issue.
It was a serious...
Yeah, I mean, it was like...
I mean, it's a little...
It's not like I broke a puzzle.
Like, I fucking...
I...
My dad was more concerned that I was...
Fucked the pain up.
Was he?
I mean, it was like a fucking $300 minibike.
Yeah, he never rode it again.
It wasn't a Ducati or anything.
It's not like he got me a Harley.
It was like fucking $300.
Big saddlebags on the side.
I fucking love that thing, dude.
Did you take it?
Did you use it again?
Yeah, yeah, for years.
You drove it?
Okay.
Yeah.
Gotta find that helmet, man.
I took it to prom.
Get on toots.
You gotta find that helmet.
But what he...
I knew he would keep the big present.
He would always get a big present.
He would keep that in the empty...
We talked about this on the one episode.
He'd keep that in the empty living room.
Or, like, the living room.
Okay.
Like, the dining room.
It didn't have a table in it.
So, like, I'm like,
I know I'm getting something.
So, like, I waddle over.
Like, I open up the presents
and I'm like,
there's still something big.
You were always killing time
till the big one.
Yeah, I know.
You knew it.
I feel it in the air, dude.
Where's the...
Hit me with the fucking zinger.
Let's go.
My parents were good.
They'd pull it out of the couch.
They'd go,
well, there's one more thing Santa'll add.
You're like, oh!
Yeah.
Yours was a ham.
Scallop potatoes.
I walked over to the fridge
to be like,
oh, I'm just going to get a drink
so I can peek into the dining room
and sure as shit,
I'd be sitting there.
Really?
Did you have to wait
and go through the stand-on ceremony
with the...
They rolled it out?
Yeah, I was like,
oh, shit, whatever.
I don't know.
So, he died on a motorcycle
in his living room.
Trash.
I think it was a dining room
that didn't have a table in it,
technically.
Wow.
Yeah.
That's garbage.
That's where we used to play
knee football.
Remember knee football?
Oh, do I.
Knee football
and knee nerf basketball.
Get on it.
Dude.
Especially around the holidays.
Yeah, my dad would take...
My dad thought he was back
in his fucking semi-pro days, dude.
He would fucking truck us.
Fucking put my head through a wall.
Knee football was great.
Yeah.
All right.
Do you want to get to the presents
and then we'll do some questions?
Yeah, yeah.
Let's do presents.
All right.
Here you go.
Okay.
Wait.
Do I want you to open yours?
Why would you open my presents?
No, I mean...
What are you guys doing?
Here.
All right.
I mean, I want you to open...
No, yeah.
You open yours second.
I'll open mine.
Okay.
Either way, you bought it.
What was the price limit on this?
Well, I found one thing.
I spent a grand.
Hang on.
Wait.
All right.
Can I give Toby his...
Sure.
Let's give Toby his first.
T-Bone.
T-Bone, you had mentioned
a certain film on the podcast.
So, I got you all the cars.
We got you.
We got you all the cars
from Fast and the Furious.
Yeah, dog.
Yo, that fucking rule.
Yeah.
Can I throw it over to you?
I'll get over.
I'll get over.
Watch the cameras.
Merry Christmas, buddy.
We love you.
Merry Christmas, pal.
Thanks for all your hard work.
Yeah.
That is your raise for the year.
All right.
Good job.
Oh, boy.
Who needs the in-ground pool
when I got a fucking charger
on the fucking desk?
Yeah, man.
We'll put some back here, too,
I figured.
Yeah.
Damn.
Shout out.
Shout out, Paul Walker.
So, I know you're on a diet.
You're watching.
What?
That's just fucking diet food?
Yeah.
I was going to put an onion in there.
There better be a minibike
in the other side of that door.
I'm going to freak the fuck out.
Move the couch.
It's a new car.
It's a scale and a life alert.
I see one fucking thing
that says keto on it.
I, you know.
I got you.
So, I got you.
Well, they were at checkout.
Cashews?
That was a filler.
I'm an impulse buy?
That was a filler.
That was a...
Those are sugar-free.
Russell Stover, sugar-free.
Come on.
That's pretty good.
He's on a diet.
I'm fucking tootie.
You're turning me into tootie over here.
What do you mean?
Start playing bingo.
My Aunt Mary Catherine
used to fuck with
these sugar-free candies.
And when you would not realize it
and grab one of those
instead of a real Werther's...
Take the skin off
the top of the roof of your mouth.
I don't know what chemicals
they're using.
But I figured
you're a big chocolate candy guy.
I figured that's in the wheelhouse.
It's a little bit of a cheat,
but okay.
Whoa!
Come on, daddy-o.
Wow, you spent money.
You're going to be disappointed.
Big man's going on a trip.
I got him an inflatable neck pillow.
Neck pillow.
Need it.
Come on.
Need it.
$5.99.
Not too bad.
See what else we got here.
Whoa!
A car!
Come on.
That's pretty cool.
You're a big toy guy.
That's great.
Yeah, I love it.
It zipped off the fucking cash register.
I didn't realize it was a wind-up one.
Pretty sweet.
Thank you, buddy.
Mm-hmm.
See what else.
I know you're going away
with your lady,
so I got him.
So I got him.
That's adamandeve.com.
I got him a personal tub
of Vaseline, huh?
I know it can get dry
in these cold months.
Beg my own self, huh?
Get out of the beach.
Some tummies.
Thank you.
Because he's got
a big acid reflux problem.
That might be it.
All right, good.
The rest is just bags.
I was worried.
Oh, man.
Hey!
From when I shit in the street.
Thanks, buddy.
Those are the bags that came in.
And a stocking that was $12.99.
All right, great.
Nice.
I feel good about this.
All right.
I just saw one thing
in your stocking,
and I think you might have
just filled it with things
you want, by the way.
He got me a thing
of fucking Hellman's
that's probably expired.
What's the date on this?
No, it's fresh.
All right.
That's a real good gift right there.
Yeah, you got me some Hellman's.
This is all just stuff
in your car, I think.
What are you talking about?
Because he's also got me
honey, mustard, barbecue sauce,
and hot mustard.
This is all stuff you want.
That's the trio right there.
Did you go to McDonald's today?
No.
When did you go?
I went and I bought those specifically.
You can't.
You can't.
Yes, you can.
I have the receipt of my car.
I went and bought a bunch of them.
I had to buy 19 cheese.
I had to buy.
I had to buy.
I want to see that receipt.
I will.
I'll show it to you.
It's out of the car.
I had to buy four of each sauce
if I wanted to make the transaction.
So where are the other sauces?
Because I figured I'd only bring
a few of them for you.
I'm not going to eat them.
Oh, Foley.
I'm telling you.
Four of each sauce.
So there's three sauces.
So that means he's got
nine other sauces somewhere
at a minimum.
Minimum, he's got
nine other sauces.
I think we threw them away.
Or Crystal has them
hidden somewhere.
Dreidel treats.
Your wife's Jewish.
Got you a little, you know,
something for the other side.
Okay.
Thank you.
It's got little candies in it.
Okay.
I think that's it.
No, there's something else.
Oh, yeah.
This is your big present.
Oh, a big mamma jamma
York peppermint patty.
I remember in the summer
when Kippy went down
to the Shure
on the old episodes
when we were doing them
on the Zoom in quarantine.
Check them out on YouTube.
Oh, man.
You stumbled across
a bag of those
in the back of the freezer.
Dude, these will blow
your fucking hair back.
Since I can't have them anymore,
I want you to have them.
They all are things
that I can't have anymore
that I would like you to enjoy.
Except for the mayonnaise.
The only way to eat
a York peppermint patty
is to take a little bite
and then suck it out
like you're sucking the brain
out of a fucking insect.
Wait, the juice out?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You bite and then
you suck the inside out.
These kids from Chicago.
These Chicago guys are bonkos.
No, you're just biting
straight across?
Well, I like them in the freezer
where they're fucking real nice.
What do you eat?
This guy's already eating candy.
Hey, Tubsy, come on.
We're doing a podcast here.
He just...
The sugar freeze, no good.
All right, then give them back.
Give them back.
No.
Give them back.
Not actually okay.
Who takes a present,
eats it, and goes,
this present sucks?
What are they putting here?
It's pretty good.
I switched out the labels.
It's actually...
Sugar alcohol.
It's the real stuff.
I just didn't want Toby
to get mad.
I know a guy at the factory.
He mislabeled a couple for me.
The big man needs his stuff.
You know what I mean?
You got to keep
the big man happy.
Now, what I would do now...
Thank you very much.
Merry Christmas.
I love you.
I love you both.
Is now...
Merry Christmas, guys.
What would happen is
there would be some sort of quiche
that would be served
to the family.
Okay?
My parents would break off.
My dad would go watch TV.
My mom would whatever.
And me and my brother
on each side of the living room
would then create
our presentation of presents.
Presents weren't allowed
to get taken upstairs by the way.
They had to sit there
for a couple of days
so when people came over
they could see the presents.
So your job
was to set things up
on the boxes
like put the sneakers out
like a display.
Set your G.I.
Joes up real nice.
Best present I ever got
G.I.
Joe headquarters.
And it was the year
my house got robbed
and I thought
that's what they took.
Who broke in?
11-year-olds?
You know...
Little rascals.
Meanwhile,
they got your mom's
fucking wedding ring,
the safe deposit box.
Thank God
my G.I.
Joe base is still here.
I did.
My mom was crying
her eyes out
because they took
her mom's diamond necklace.
Dude,
as you guys were
opening your presents
I don't know if you noticed
but you said
the price of everything
which is hilarious to me.
Did we?
Pretty much.
I did.
I got to flex on you.
I spent more than you.
Well, you got to be
the neck pillow.
Having to display
your children's gifts
to flex
as a level of trash.
That is fucking crazy.
Bring it over
to the neighbors.
Take a look at that.
That's a started jacket
right there.
I went to
three different stores
to get that thing
right there.
That's the real
Cabbage Patch Kid
right there.
Not the radicchio guys.
That's trash.
Also,
so we did it.
I forget where
it was brought up
but somebody brought up
wearing the new clothes
that day.
What?
Of course.
That's what you were
supposed to do.
I know but you show up
to dinner or whatever
it looks like you got
the hanger in your back.
Everything's got the
fucking creases
and the folds.
Some of your cousins
got the sticker
on his chest.
The jeans say
34-34 on the back.
Fucking drove it
off the lot, baby.
Here we go.
You look like a real
jamoke.
Dealer tags
in the back
of your shirt.
Yeah, you look
like a real idiot
when you're wearing
that present
that day.
I showed up to so many
Christmas dinners
at my Aunt Sheila's
with the jeans
rolled back up
fucking four inches.
Oh, yeah.
They were too big.
Fucking sleeves
hanging over your hands.
You look like an idiot.
I remember I showed up
as an adult.
Some picky ass sweater
just like...
I was an adult.
I was like 20.
I was in college.
I was probably 20
and I showed up
to my cousin's house
that night.
I drove over
and I got new polo black
or whatever
and I doused myself
in the polo black
three or four spritzes.
I show up.
I hug my cousin
at the door.
He goes,
well, someone got cologne.
I was like,
oh, man,
I'm a fucking idiot.
Hide the car.
You just checked out.

Christmas Presents w/ Kippy & Foley - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip

Are you garbage?
What's the best present you've ever received?
Straight up.
So, my parents split.
I would say the fans of this podcast.
Love you guys.
It's fucking painful.
Merry Christmas to everyone.
Sometimes he just gets in these weird moods where I can't read them.
I don't know what's happening.
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.
He's got scratchers on the brain.
Best gift I ever got was...
So, my parents divorced and my dad was...
Obviously, my dad always went big to, like, you know...
My brother...
The one year...
Fucking...
To talk about a dad trying to outshine a fucking single mom.
What would you do?
We'd wake up in the morning...
At your mom's.
At my mom's.
Do presents then.
You always claim, like, I did presents as a kid the night before.
Sure.
I spin that narrative, yes.
And we'll continue to.
Yeah, I trash can't be in front of the fans.
Whatever.
The other day, thank God we lost the record and you really fucking trashed in
the intro.
Like, this guy, blah, blah, blah.
Making me look like a real piece of shit.
Yeah, well, why don't shit on you in the opening of the intro?
I'm going to start.
You make up for it for most of the episode, though.
And in real life.
Yeah, in comedy.
But you really fucking...
No.
You really needle.
I love you.
What do you mean?
Without you, what would I be doing?
Checking your phone.
Best pal, buddy.
We'd wake up.
We'd do presents at my mom's.
Is the other guy there?
Yeah.
Yeah, my stepdad was there.
Uh-huh.
From an early...
He wouldn't stay there early, early on.
How long before he was rolling in the front door?
How long before he was sleeping there from when the divorce was?
I don't know.
Three weeks?
Four weeks?
What are you talking?
The ink wasn't dry.
No, I was so young, I don't remember.
Oh, really?
Yeah, I mean, they got divorced when I was like three or something.
A couple of years after that, I think.
So, he would come in the morning.
It was before he was sleeping there.
Wow.
So, he would come early at like 7 o'clock in the morning or whatever.
Shout out to the stepdads.
That's a tough look.
Dealing with, coming in, dealing with you?
I'm eating my booger.
Your Christmas morning, you're eating boogers and shit.
Who's this guy?
Yeah, opening other people's presents.
I was a fucking wreck.
So, I fucking...
Yo.
Oh, sad little kippy.
So, we would do my mom...
Roll hanging out of your mouth?
We would do...
Your Christmas dinner rolls?
We would...
At breakfast?
We would...
Christmas dinner rolls at 7 a.m.
So, we would open the presents at my mom's.
And then, sometimes, they would team up and allude to a present I was going to
get at my dad's.
Because I caught my dad...
Your mom and dad.
I caught my dad when I was...
So, things were still somewhat okay.
Yeah.
It was for the kids.
I mean, they kept up...
Yeah.
You know, they kept up appearances for us.
I'm sure they hated each other.
But, when I caught my dad when he was still living at...
So, I was like 3.
And I caught him bringing down presents from the attic.
And I was like, what are you doing?
And he hit me with like...
I walked in on him and my mom like fucking having...
He's like, yeah, go back to bed.
You know what I mean?
And I'm like...
Give him smack.
I'm like, what are you doing, dude?
He's like, I'm helping.
So, he's got a fucking stack full of presents coming down from the attic.
I'm like, what are you doing?
He's like, I'm helping Santa.
I'm like, yo, I don't fucking...
I was already suspect about this whole fucking charade as it is.
Fucking...
You got to get up pretty early in the morning to full...
Go back and throw the cookies out.
Yeah.
So...
Don't addition the sink.
From a young age, I knew.
So, they would allude to like a big present I would get on my dad.
So, like, the one year, my brother got a go-kart and I got a mini-bike.
And...
Does it get any more trash than that?
But we got the helmets with our names on them at my mom's.
Like, we got like custom fucking like race car helmets.
Tell me you still have that.
You've got to have that somewhere.
I don't know.
That's got to be in here.
I got to see it.
We might...
What is this, Hot Rod?
Who are you?
It was that same...
It was the same one from Dumb and Dumber.
The little red one that they drive.
Oh, man.
That's what I got on like seven.
My brother got a go-kart.
That's seven?
And I...
Yeah.
So...
I doubt you could ride that.
No, I crashed at the first...
I got on my dad.
I was like, dude, let's fucking go.
Let's fucking take me to the fucking...
Seven.
Take me to the...
Went to this like big empty parking lot on Christmas Day.
And I made it fucking like 10 feet.
And I couldn't...
It's like you just hit the...
You rev the engine.
And I don't know.
I'm fucking gunning at a big cardboard dumpster.
Like, at a big dumpster for cardboard.
Why don't you try it in a field?
Not on asphalt.
I don't know.
So, I fucking dumped the bike.
I fucking...
I get fucking road burned all over my fucking arms.
Go home the next day.
I'm sitting there.
My mom's like, what happened to you?
And I'm like, I...
It's the first time I got caught lying to my mom.
I said, I fell off the monkey bars.
And she goes, that don't happen from...
She's like, you're lying to me.
That don't happen from monkey bars.
I'm like, you're right.
I dumped the bike.
Way to play cool, fatty.
The monkey bars.
Looks like I...
Looks like I got dragged behind a car for an hour.
And I said, the monkey bars got me.
Oh, man.
So, I found out early.
But they used to do that.
Wait, did you scratch up the bike?
So, you fucked up the present...
That would have been a problem.
If I broke anything Christmas morning, it was an issue.
It was a serious...
Yeah, I mean, it was like...
I mean, it's a little...
It's not like I broke a puzzle.
Like, I fucking...
I...
My dad was more concerned that I was...
Fucked the pain up.
Was he?
I mean, it was like a fucking $300 minibike.
Yeah, he never rode it again.
It wasn't a Ducati or anything.
It's not like he got me a Harley.
It was like fucking $300.
Big saddlebags on the side.
I fucking love that thing, dude.
Did you take it?
Did you use it again?
Yeah, yeah, for years.
You drove it?
Okay.
Yeah.
Gotta find that helmet, man.
I took it to prom.
Get on toots.
You gotta find that helmet.
But what he...
I knew he would keep the big present.
He would always get a big present.
He would keep that in the empty...
We talked about this on the one episode.
He'd keep that in the empty living room.
Or, like, the living room.
Okay.
Like, the dining room.
It didn't have a table in it.
So, like, I'm like,
I know I'm getting something.
So, like, I waddle over.
Like, I open up the presents
and I'm like,
there's still something big.
You were always killing time
till the big one.
Yeah, I know.
You knew it.
I feel it in the air, dude.
Where's the...
Hit me with the fucking zinger.
Let's go.
My parents were good.
They'd pull it out of the couch.
They'd go,
well, there's one more thing Santa'll add.
You're like, oh!
Yeah.
Yours was a ham.
Scallop potatoes.
I walked over to the fridge
to be like,
oh, I'm just going to get a drink
so I can peek into the dining room
and sure as shit,
I'd be sitting there.
Really?
Did you have to wait
and go through the stand-on ceremony
with the...
They rolled it out?
Yeah, I was like,
oh, shit, whatever.
I don't know.
So, he died on a motorcycle
in his living room.
Trash.
I think it was a dining room
that didn't have a table in it,
technically.
Wow.
Yeah.
That's garbage.
That's where we used to play
knee football.
Remember knee football?
Oh, do I.
Knee football
and knee nerf basketball.
Get on it.
Dude.
Especially around the holidays.
Yeah, my dad would take...
My dad thought he was back
in his fucking semi-pro days, dude.
He would fucking truck us.
Fucking put my head through a wall.
Knee football was great.
Yeah.
All right.
Do you want to get to the presents
and then we'll do some questions?
Yeah, yeah.
Let's do presents.
All right.
Here you go.
Okay.
Wait.
Do I want you to open yours?
Why would you open my presents?
No, I mean...
What are you guys doing?
Here.
All right.
I mean, I want you to open...
No, yeah.
You open yours second.
I'll open mine.
Okay.
Either way, you bought it.
What was the price limit on this?
Well, I found one thing.
I spent a grand.
Hang on.
Wait.
All right.
Can I give Toby his...
Sure.
Let's give Toby his first.
T-Bone.
T-Bone, you had mentioned
a certain film on the podcast.
So, I got you all the cars.
We got you.
We got you all the cars
from Fast and the Furious.
Yeah, dog.
Yo, that fucking rule.
Yeah.
Can I throw it over to you?
I'll get over.
I'll get over.
Watch the cameras.
Merry Christmas, buddy.
We love you.
Merry Christmas, pal.
Thanks for all your hard work.
Yeah.
That is your raise for the year.
All right.
Good job.
Oh, boy.
Who needs the in-ground pool
when I got a fucking charger
on the fucking desk?
Yeah, man.
We'll put some back here, too,
I figured.
Yeah.
Damn.
Shout out.
Shout out, Paul Walker.
So, I know you're on a diet.
You're watching.
What?
That's just fucking diet food?
Yeah.
I was going to put an onion in there.
There better be a minibike
in the other side of that door.
I'm going to freak the fuck out.
Move the couch.
It's a new car.
It's a scale and a life alert.
I see one fucking thing
that says keto on it.
I, you know.
I got you.
So, I got you.
Well, they were at checkout.
Cashews?
That was a filler.
I'm an impulse buy?
That was a filler.
That was a...
Those are sugar-free.
Russell Stover, sugar-free.
Come on.
That's pretty good.
He's on a diet.
I'm fucking tootie.
You're turning me into tootie over here.
What do you mean?
Start playing bingo.
My Aunt Mary Catherine
used to fuck with
these sugar-free candies.
And when you would not realize it
and grab one of those
instead of a real Werther's...
Take the skin off
the top of the roof of your mouth.
I don't know what chemicals
they're using.
But I figured
you're a big chocolate candy guy.
I figured that's in the wheelhouse.
It's a little bit of a cheat,
but okay.
Whoa!
Come on, daddy-o.
Wow, you spent money.
You're going to be disappointed.
Big man's going on a trip.
I got him an inflatable neck pillow.
Neck pillow.
Need it.
Come on.
Need it.
$5.99.
Not too bad.
See what else we got here.
Whoa!
A car!
Come on.
That's pretty cool.
You're a big toy guy.
That's great.
Yeah, I love it.
It zipped off the fucking cash register.
I didn't realize it was a wind-up one.
Pretty sweet.
Thank you, buddy.
Mm-hmm.
See what else.
I know you're going away
with your lady,
so I got him.
So I got him.
That's adamandeve.com.
I got him a personal tub
of Vaseline, huh?
I know it can get dry
in these cold months.
Beg my own self, huh?
Get out of the beach.
Some tummies.
Thank you.
Because he's got
a big acid reflux problem.
That might be it.
All right, good.
The rest is just bags.
I was worried.
Oh, man.
Hey!
From when I shit in the street.
Thanks, buddy.
Those are the bags that came in.
And a stocking that was $12.99.
All right, great.
Nice.
I feel good about this.
All right.
I just saw one thing
in your stocking,
and I think you might have
just filled it with things
you want, by the way.
He got me a thing
of fucking Hellman's
that's probably expired.
What's the date on this?
No, it's fresh.
All right.
That's a real good gift right there.
Yeah, you got me some Hellman's.
This is all just stuff
in your car, I think.
What are you talking about?
Because he's also got me
honey, mustard, barbecue sauce,
and hot mustard.
This is all stuff you want.
That's the trio right there.
Did you go to McDonald's today?
No.
When did you go?
I went and I bought those specifically.
You can't.
You can't.
Yes, you can.
I have the receipt of my car.
I went and bought a bunch of them.
I had to buy 19 cheese.
I had to buy.
I had to buy.
I want to see that receipt.
I will.
I'll show it to you.
It's out of the car.
I had to buy four of each sauce
if I wanted to make the transaction.
So where are the other sauces?
Because I figured I'd only bring
a few of them for you.
I'm not