Name: Fake Christmas Tree w/ Kippy & Foley - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip
Uploaded: 2022-12-23T22:00:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fake Christmas Tree w/ Kippy & Foley - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fake Christmas Tree w/ Kippy & Foley - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-23. Transcript available.

Are you garbage?
Just watch Christmas Vacation.
Still holds the fuck up.
What does he get?
Jelly of the Month Club?
Jelly of the Month Club.
I'll tell you what.
If the COVID has done anything,
it's, you know, for me,
it's made me take a minute,
appreciate things,
smell the flowers a little bit.
And, you know,
even though we couldn't, you know,
go out, see the tree,
do all this fucking bullshit,
they're in a lot of money,
you know, for Christmas presents this year.
Sure.
You know, I got the old macaroni
and fucking Elmer's glue out.
Fish and line and that fucking
fucking rigatoni.
When you make something,
it's from the heart.
Yeah.
But we, you know,
we decorated the apartment.
Make a snowball with,
or a snowman with cotton balls.
It's all fucked up looking.
I used to hate those days.
Those days in school
were so high pressure.
Dude, the sound is.
It's like, all right,
you got 25 minutes
to make something for your mom
to make her fucking proud
or you're going to look like a loser.
I'm doing the hand turkey,
freaking out.
You're making an ashtray for her.
I did make her an ashtray.
Oh, yeah, dude.
I made my mom.
My mom didn't even smoke.
She was getting a fucking ashtray.
What are they doing?
Wasting people's kids' times
in fucking elementary school.
What else are they going to be doing?
Teach them how to fucking balance
a checkbook.
Some shit.
In elementary school.
Whatever.
I could have used some fucking
real world experience.
I mean, while you're eating
the cotton balls.
With Sankin School District.
I could have used something.
Not making a fucking ashtray
for my fucking ma in a kiln.
Ooh, you big kid.
Shut the fuck up.
I don't know.
I appreciate it.
It was nice.
You did?
You let the hair down
a little bit, you know?
We could be learning
a lot of better things
to prepare people
for the next millennium.
H. Foley, 2024, everybody.
Jesus, I didn't realize
we were going to get
so fucking political
in the Christmas episode.
I didn't like making that shit.
Okay, well, it was fucking
50 years ago.
Let it go, buddy.
You got bigger fish to fry.
That's patreon.com.
Can I get a cup of coffee
in here or something?
Yeah, right?
Jesus Christ.
What were we talking about, though?
Supposed to be Christmas.
You were saying you were
decorating on your own.
Oh, yeah.
We were really getting into it.
You did a tree.
I didn't get a tree yet.
We're going to get a tree.
We did a little baby tree.
We usually do a big-sized tree,
but we're not going to be here
for actual Christmas,
so we got a little baby one.
Yeah.
And then we've been
watching the movies.
We've been fucking making cocoa.
I made a gingerbread house.
Who would have known?
I'm pretty good at it.
He did that in August, too,
so it's not that special.
Real tree or fake tree
growing up?
Who's this bozo?
Who's this guy?
Just checking in.
What are you talking about?
That's 60 episodes in.
You got to tell you
we paid our rent.
Real trees are your trees.
Yeah.
We did have a fake one
for a few years.
I think my brother
was, like, really allergic.
We got a fake one now.
You guys saw it
when you went down
to film the thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's different.
Your parents are old
and out to lunch.
They can't be fucking
dragging in a real fucking pine tree.
It's upside down.
Yeah.
As you get older, obviously,
but growing up,
we had a fake one
and I fucking hate it.
That's whack.
One, you had to, like,
put it together.
It was, like,
the green level,
the red level.
I'm like,
it took nine hours.
It looks weird on the end.
It looks like a space station.
It does, dude.
A lot of docking going on
in that thing.
I was not a fan.
No.
And then finally,
we're like,
fuck it,
Danny can choke to death.
You have to go get
the Douglas fir.
Fucking bring him back
Christmas joy to the fucking Ryan asshole.
It was buying for his scent.
I got my first real tree
this year with my girl.
Ah.
Delightful experience.
It's great, man.
It's Christmas magic.
It's great.
I was opposed to my whole life
when I was like,
who gives a shit?
And I went,
I'm all in.
They put it through the net machine.
Oh, remember that
when you were a kid?
I wanted to get in there.
Yeah.
How has no, like,
Christmas holiday villain
been vanquished
with the net machine?
Ah, that's good.
You know, like,
a Home Alone 3,
they tossed Danny DeVito
in the fucking thing.
Get Netflix on the phone.
Yeah.
Are you garbage Christmas?
Me and you save Christmas.
Come on.
I'm in.
Any producers out there?
Or anybody want to give me 20 bucks.
One or the other.
I got to get a tree
and they're expensive in New York.
You're that guy?
You haven't gotten a tree yet?
I'm sorry.
We've been busy.
For next year, maybe.
Bozo.
It's over.
If you were my dad.
You're leaving tomorrow.
What do you,
first of all,
I don't have children.
That you know of.
You have,
you're leaving tomorrow.
Yeah.
I still have fucking,
you know,
nine days.
You want my tree?
No, you're a holiday shrub.
No, I'm going to get
a big mamma jamma.
I got a big fucking living room
in my new apartment.
What did I tell you?
Don't spend any money.
Dropping a fucking big one.
Whatever my wife can afford,
I'll tell you that much.
I got the biggest one I had.
But that's my favorite thing
in New York.
And obviously,
New York.
I'm sorry to interrupt.
Well, you've been doing it all show,
but continue.
Why didn't you get a tree earlier?
You're supposed to put your Christmas tree
up after Thanksgiving.
I explained it to you.
It's 10 days before Christmas.
Our recording schedule
has been fucking bananas.
Because you're leaving.
You're leaving for two weeks,
so I don't have a Christmas tree,
so you can go to fucking Hawaii
and run around
with that girlfriend of yours.
And I appreciate that.
Yeah.
So you get a...
By meanwhile,
you got your fucking feet up
in a Mai Tai.
I'm still out here
fucking taking enemy fire.
What if Kippy got that tree yet?
Yeah, right?
Fucking breaking my balls.
We're recording 19 episodes a day
so you can go on vacation.
I'm sitting around
with a bunch of fat guys
on the beach.
Think Kippy got the tree yet, guys?
Come on more times
with me and my friends.
Where's that Patreon money
waiting for a fucking...
You're going to be like Newman
in the beginning
of Jurassic Park.
Yeah.
This is like...
This is the epitome
of our relationship.
I'm like waking up
in the morning.
We're doing like 15 hours a day.
I'm working hard too,
but I get the tree
after Thanksgiving
like a gentleman.
Yeah, well, I mean...
Dude, the second...
We're done.
We're done recording tonight
for the rest of the year.
And it's vacation mode.
We're getting the fucking tree tomorrow.
We're hanging all this shit.
We're doing it fucking right.
I just need to get
all this shit behind me.
So your girl is German.
She's German.
Are you going to do any
German Christmassy things?
Like do you have to like
put gold in some sort of cloth
to prevent...
They do something with shoes
like you put...
I remember in French class
they did some shit
where they put like toys
inside cake or something.
Yeah.
The Germans...
They put change in there.
Yeah.
It's like, yo, bitch,
I ain't chipping my tooth
on a nickel
for a fucking piece of bun cake.
On a fucking Deutschmark.
Yeah, get the fuck out of here, man.
They do...
The Germans do something
with shoes.
I've never really caught on to,
but it's like you leave
your shoes out,
you put popcorn in on,
St. Nicholas comes
and fucking
Lieben, Gorben, Schloben, Schloben.
Father Christmas and shit.
Who the fuck's that?
But they do do it.
They do these fucking Christmas,
German Christmas villages
where they fucking...
It's like in the...
Because all their towns
are like old school towns, right?
It's like...
Yeah.
They're from like the fucking 1300s.
I just realized
I'm chewing gum.
I'm going to take it out.
Go ahead.
Thanks for letting us know.
Somebody bitched about it.
So, it's Nicorette gum, too.
Yeah.
That's how trashy he is.
I'm almost...
So, let it go 15 minutes
because you're going to be
screaming at me.
I'm doing pretty good
with the no smoking.
Buddy, I smoke...
I mean, we're...
I don't know who we're lying to.
Yeah, I have...
I've been giving you cigs all week.
No, I've had one or two here and there.
And I say no,
I mean, just give me a cig.
Like you're my dad.
One or two here and there.
We had one after...
Well, spin it however you want.
You had like...
I believe I will.
Yeah, sure.
Things are going well.
Yeah.
Shout out to Foley
for quitting smoking.
Thank you.
German Christmas Village.
They do it nice.
It's like the heated wine
and it's all the fucking treats.
It's fucking nice, dude.
Yeah, I get that, but...
Those Europeans...
You're a big Christmas...
I'm telling you,
you would fucking love it.
It's fucking fantastic.
I would like that stuff.
You get the hot fucking treats.
I'm not pulling nothing
out of a shoe.
No one's asking you.
I'm talking about
the German Christmas Villages.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Europeans do some weird shit
over there.
Krumpus.
You ever hear of Krumpus?
Krumpets?
No, he's like the wolf man.
Big crimp guy.
He's the wolf man
that comes around
and gets you
if you're a bad kid.
Krumpus.
Krumpus.
Is that real?
Yeah, yeah.
It was also the punchline
of the joke
I made about two minutes ago.
Yeah, I know.
Zero.
Oh, yeah.
What's the story?
I don't know the story.
He's some fucking Bigfoot
that goes around
and fucks up kids
that are bad
a couple weeks
before Christmas.
Fucks them up?
What do you mean
beats them up?
Out of the movie I saw
he was killing people.
Yeah, so the deal
with Krumpus
is that like
in American folklore
if you're bad
you get a lump of coal.
In German folklore
a fucking demon Santa
You get ripped to shreds
by the bear
from Revenant.
Yeah, dude.
Is the shadow
of Santa Claus
comes down
and steals all the children
and drags them to hell.
Yeah, I don't like
that shadow shit.
No.
No.
I didn't even like Santa
I would have been Jewish.
I'd rather be Jewish
in Germany
than the fucking Krumpus
I'll take my shot
with the Nazis.
Fuck that.
I'll roll a dice
on his brisket
see how good it is.
You and your shadow monster
can hit the fucking bricks, dude.
Dude, I swear to God
I love Santa Claus
more now
than I did
when I was a kid.
Well, let's get
we gotta fucking
tighten the ship here a lot.
We got a lot to go over.
I thought we were having
a nice time Christmas.
We were.
Just relax.
What do you think
I'm gonna change it
to start talking about taxes?
What are we doing?
I got Christmas stuff.
I don't want to talk
about taxes.
March is coming quick.
Yeah.
I'm gonna punt that
another year.
Claim the pandemic.
I'm a veteran
for God's sake.
Krampus got me.
Is that it?
Can I check that box
on my fucking tax return?
Shout out to Krampus.
What are we doing presents?
What's going on with you?
I went over the run
of the show
like nine minutes ago.
Is your blood sugar low again?
No, I feel great.
It's Christmas time
and now I want presents.
I was up at 530
pacing the hallways.
Let's fucking go
every morning.
Every Christmas morning.
When did you stop
believing in Santa Claus?
Let's get to the fucking
nitty gritty of this.
First of all,
we got a lot of questions
to get to from the Patreon
and Facebook.
Like I said,
we got a fucking
and then plus we got
me and Foley
got presents for each other.
We stuffed our stockings
but you got me
a black and white one.
What the fuck?
Hit the bricks with that.
It was last minute.
Yeah, it was probably
your old sock.
That's all they had.
I was going to do that.
I was going to do that too.
I almost bought a pair
of socks in CVS
but they just shoved
like a bar of soapy.
That was the last one
they had at Foot Locker.
I don't know what to tell you.
It's a prescription
compression sock.
I was going to get you
compression socks too.
I have compression socks.
My mom got them.
I know.
Had them laying on my bed.
You know,
like a regular grown man.
Yeah.
Mommy,
can you give me
compression socks?
No, she just, dude.
I can't feel my toes anymore.
She's so fucking on point
and I'll admit
that I'm spoiled
in that regard.
She's so on point.
Like we got there that day.
Bed was made fresh.
Fucking everything
was sitting right in.
It would be weird
if you showed up
and there was no sheets
on the bed.
I mean,
it's not a Motel 6.
What the fuck?
There better be.
If you're showing up
to your mom's house,
you think that's spoiling you?
Oh, look at her.
She even fucking
put the windows back in.
I was just going
to say windows.
Yeah.
She's good with that stuff.
How old were you
when you stopped
believing in Santa Claus
or found out
about Santa Claus?

Fake Christmas Tree w/ Kippy & Foley - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip

Are you garbage?
Just watch Christmas Vacation.
Still holds the fuck up.
What does he get?
Jelly of the Month Club?
Jelly of the Month Club.
I'll tell you what.
If the COVID has done anything,
it's, you know, for me,
it's made me take a minute,
appreciate things,
smell the flowers a little bit.
And, you know,
even though we couldn't, you know,
go out, see the tree,
do all this fucking bullshit,
they're in a lot of money,
you know, for Christmas presents this year.
Sure.
You know, I got the old macaroni
and fucking Elmer's glue out.
Fish and line and that fucking
fucking rigatoni.
When you make something,
it's from the heart.
Yeah.
But we, you know,
we decorated the apartment.
Make a snowball with,
or a snowman with cotton balls.
It's all fucked up looking.
I used to hate those days.
Those days in school
were so high pressure.
Dude, the sound is.
It's like, all right,
you got 25 minutes
to make something for your mom
to make her fucking proud
or you're going to look like a loser.
I'm doing the hand turkey,
freaking out.
You're making an ashtray for her.
I did make her an ashtray.
Oh, yeah, dude.
I made my mom.
My mom didn't even smoke.
She was getting a fucking ashtray.
What are they doing?
Wasting people's kids' times
in fucking elementary school.
What else are they going to be doing?
Teach them how to fucking balance
a checkbook.
Some shit.
In elementary school.
Whatever.
I could have used some fucking
real world experience.
I mean, while you're eating
the cotton balls.
With Sankin School District.
I could have used something.
Not making a fucking ashtray
for my fucking ma in a kiln.
Ooh, you big kid.
Shut the fuck up.
I don't know.
I appreciate it.
It was nice.
You did?
You let the hair down
a little bit, you know?
We could be learning
a lot of better things
to prepare people
for the next millennium.
H. Foley, 2024, everybody.
Jesus, I didn't realize
we were going to get
so fucking political
in the Christmas episode.
I didn't like making that shit.
Okay, well, it was fucking
50 years ago.
Let it go, buddy.
You got bigger fish to fry.
That's patreon.com.
Can I get a cup of coffee
in here or something?
Yeah, right?
Jesus Christ.
What were we talking about, though?
Supposed to be Christmas.
You were saying you were
decorating on your own.
Oh, yeah.
We were really getting into it.
You did a tree.
I didn't get a tree yet.
We're going to get a tree.
We did a little baby tree.
We usually do a big-sized tree,
but we're not going to be here
for actual Christmas,
so we got a little baby one.
Yeah.
And then we've been
watching the movies.
We've been fucking making cocoa.
I made a gingerbread house.
Who would have known?
I'm pretty good at it.
He did that in August, too,
so it's not that special.
Real tree or fake tree
growing up?
Who's this bozo?
Who's this guy?
Just checking in.
What are you talking about?
That's 60 episodes in.
You got to tell you
we paid our rent.
Real trees are your trees.
Yeah.
We did have a fake one
for a few years.
I think my brother
was, like, really allergic.
We got a fake one now.
You guys saw it
when you went down
to film the thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's different.
Your parents are old
and out to lunch.
They can't be fucking
dragging in a real fucking pine tree.
It's upside down.
Yeah.
As you get older, obviously,
but growing up,
we had a fake one
and I fucking hate it.
That's whack.
One, you had to, like,
put it together.
It was, like,
the green level,
the red level.
I'm like,
it took nine hours.
It looks weird on the end.
It looks like a space station.
It does, dude.
A lot of docking going on
in that thing.
I was not a fan.
No.
And then finally,
we're like,
fuck it,
Danny can choke to death.
You have to go get
the Douglas fir.
Fucking bring him back
Christmas joy to the fucking Ryan asshole.
It was buying for his scent.
I got my first real tree
this year with my girl.
Ah.
Delightful experience.
It's great, man.
It's Christmas magic.
It's great.
I was opposed to my whole life
when I was like,
who gives a shit?
And I went,
I'm all in.
They put it through the net machine.
Oh, remember that
when you were a kid?
I wanted to get in there.
Yeah.
How has no, like,
Christmas holiday villain
been vanquished
with the net machine?
Ah, that's good.
You know, like,
a Home Alone 3,
they tossed Danny DeVito
in the fucking thing.
Get Netflix on the phone.
Yeah.
Are you garbage Christmas?
Me and you save Christmas.
Come on.
I'm in.
Any producers out there?
Or anybody want to give me 20 bucks.
One or the other.
I got to get a tree
and they're expensive in New York.
You're that guy?
You haven't gotten a tree yet?
I'm sorry.
We've been busy.
For next year, maybe.
Bozo.
It's over.
If you were my dad.
You're leaving tomorrow.
What do you,
first of all,
I don't have children.
That you know of.
You have,
you're leaving tomorrow.
Yeah.
I still have fucking,
you know,
nine days.
You want my tree?
No, you're a holiday shrub.
No, I'm going to get
a big mamma jamma.
I got a big fucking living room
in my new apartment.
What did I tell you?
Don't spend any money.
Dropping a fucking big one.
Whatever my wife can afford,
I'll tell you that much.
I got the biggest one I had.
But that's my favorite thing
in New York.
And obviously,
New York.
I'm sorry to interrupt.
Well, you've been doing it all show,
but continue.
Why didn't you get a tree earlier?
You're supposed to put your Christmas tree
up after Thanksgiving.
I explained it to you.
It's 10 days before Christmas.
Our recording schedule
has been fucking bananas.
Because you're leaving.
You're leaving for two weeks,
so I don't have a Christmas tree,
so you can go to fucking Hawaii
and run around
with that girlfriend of yours.
And I appreciate that.
Yeah.
So you get a...
By meanwhile,
you got your fucking feet up
in a Mai Tai.
I'm still out here
fucking taking enemy fire.
What if Kippy got that tree yet?
Yeah, right?
Fucking breaking my balls.
We're recording 19 episodes a day
so you can go on vacation.
I'm sitting around
with a bunch of fat guys
on the beach.
Think Kippy got the tree yet, guys?
Come on more times
with me and my friends.
Where's that Patreon money
waiting for a fucking...
You're going to be like Newman
in the beginning
of Jurassic Park.
Yeah.
This is like...
This is the epitome
of our relationship.
I'm like waking up
in the morning.
We're doing like 15 hours a day.
I'm working hard too,
but I get the tree
after Thanksgiving
like a gentleman.
Yeah, well, I mean...
Dude, the second...
We're done.
We're done recording tonight
for the rest of the year.
And it's vacation mode.
We're getting the fucking tree tomorrow.
We're hanging all this shit.
We're doing it fucking right.
I just need to get
all this shit behind me.
So your girl is German.
She's German.
Are you going to do any
German Christmassy things?
Like do you have to like
put gold in some sort of cloth
to prevent...
They do something with shoes
like you put...
I remember in French class
they did some shit
where they put like toys
inside cake or something.
Yeah.
The Germans...
They put change in there.
Yeah.
It's like, yo, bitch,
I ain't chipping my tooth
on a nickel
for a fucking piece of bun cake.
On a fucking Deutschmark.
Yeah, get the fuck out of here, man.
They do...
The Germans do something
with shoes.
I've never really caught on to,
but it's like you leave
your shoes out,
you put popcorn in on,
St. Nicholas comes
and fucking
Lieben, Gorben, Schloben, Schloben.
Father Christmas and shit.
Who the fuck's that?
But they do do it.
They do these fucking Christmas,
German Christmas villages
where they fucking...
It's like in the...
Because all their towns
are like old school towns, right?
It's like...
Yeah.
They're from like the fucking 1300s.
I just realized
I'm chewing gum.
I'm going to take it out.
Go ahead.
Thanks for letting us know.
Somebody bitched about it.
So, it's Nicorette gum, too.
Yeah.
That's how trashy he is.
I'm almost...
So, let it go 15 minutes
because you're going to be
screaming at me.
I'm doing pretty good
with the no smoking.
Buddy, I smoke...
I mean, we're...
I don't know who we're lying to.
Yeah, I have...
I've been giving you cigs all week.
No, I've had one or two here and there.
And I say no,
I mean, just give me a cig.
Like you're my dad.
One or two here and there.
We had one after...
Well, spin it however you want.
You had like...
I believe I will.
Yeah, sure.
Things are going well.
Yeah.
Shout out to Foley
for quitting smoking.
Thank you.
German Christmas Village.
They do it nice.
It's like the heated wine
and it's all the fucking treats.
It's fucking nice, dude.
Yeah, I get that, but...
Those Europeans...
You're a big Christmas...
I'm telling you,
you would fucking love it.
It's fucking fantastic.
I would like that stuff.
You get the hot fucking treats.
I'm not pulling nothing
out of a shoe.
No one's asking you.
I'm talking about
the German Christmas Villages.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Europeans do some weird shit
over there.
Krumpus.
You ever hear of Krumpus?
Krumpets?
No, he's like the wolf man.
Big crimp guy.
He's the wolf man
that comes around
and gets you
if you're a bad kid.
Krumpus.
Krumpus.
Is that real?
Yeah, yeah.
It was also the punchline
of the joke
I made about two minutes ago.
Yeah, I know.
Zero.
Oh, yeah.
What's the story?
I don't know the story.
He's some fucking Bigfoot
that goes around
and fucks up kids
that are bad
a couple weeks
before Christmas.
Fucks them up?
What do you mean
beats them up?
Out of the movie I saw
he was killing people.
Yeah, so the deal
with Krumpus
is that like
in American folklore
if you're bad
you get a lump of coal.
In German folklore
a fucking demon Santa
You get ripped to shreds
by the bear
from Revenant.
Yeah, dude.
Is the shadow
of Santa Claus
comes down
and steals all the children
and drags them to hell.
Yeah, I don't like
that shadow shit.
No.
No.
I didn't even like Santa
I would have been Jewish.
I'd rather be Jewish
in Germany
than the fucking Krumpus
I'll take my shot
with the Nazis.
Fuck that.
I'll roll a dice
on his brisket
see how good it is.
You and your shadow monster
can hit the fucking bricks, dude.
Dude, I swear to God
I love Santa Claus
more now
than I did
when I was a kid.
Well, let's get
we gotta fucking
tighten the ship here a lot.
We got a lot to go over.
I thought we were having
a nice time Christmas.
We were.
Just relax.
What do you think
I'm gonna change it
to start talking about taxes?
What are we doing?
I got Christmas stuff.
I don't want to talk
about taxes.
March is coming quick.
Yeah.
I'm gonna punt that
another year.
Claim the pandemic.
I'm a veteran
for God's sake.
Krampus got me.
Is that it?
Can I check that box
on my fucking tax return?
Shout out to Krampus.
What are we doing presents?
What's going on with you?
I went over the run
of the show
like nine minutes ago.
Is your blood sugar low again?
No, I feel great.
It's Christmas time
and now I want presents.
I was up at 530
pacing the hallways.
Let's fucking go
every morning.
Every Christmas morning.
When did you stop
believing in Santa Claus?
Let's get to the fucking
nitty gritty of this.
First of all,
we got a lot of questions
to get to from the Patreon
and Facebook.
Like I said,
we got a fucking
and then plus we got
me and Foley
got presents for each other.
We stuffed our stockings
but you got me
a black and white one.
What the fuck?
Hit the bricks with that.
It was last minute.
Yeah, it was probably
your old sock.
That's all they had.
I was going to do that.
I was going to do that too.
I almost bought a pair
of socks in CVS
but they just shoved
like a bar of soapy.
That was the last one
they had at Foot Locker.
I don't know what to tell you.
It's a prescription
compression sock.
I was going to get you
compression socks too.
I have compression socks.
My mom got them.
I know.
Had them laying on my bed.
You know,
like a regular grown man.
Yeah.
Mommy,
can you give me
compression socks?
No, she just, dude.
I can't feel my toes anymore.
She's so fucking on point
and I'll admit
that I'm spoiled
in that regard.
She's so on po