Name: Surviving the End of the World w/ Paul Virzi
Uploaded: 2023-02-07T22:30:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Surviving the End of the World w/ Paul Virzi' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Surviving the End of the World w/ Paul Virzi' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-07. Transcript available.

Are you garbage?
We've been talking lately.
Yeah.
On the old Patreon there, about what kind of readiness that we have in case
something popped off.
We were thinking like apocalypse type shit.
Okay.
How ready do you think you would be if it popped off tomorrow?
At the crib.
Oh, you mean like if this was unexpected pop-off tomorrow?
Unexpected, you had like a rumbling of a day or two, like, oh, this might
happen, but you're going, I don't know.
How ready would I be as far as like supplies?
Supplies, steel, plan, where are you going?
What are you doing?
You got a crew you can link up with.
All right, look, I got a thousand bullets.
No, I do.
I have a thousand bullets.
I bought a box of a thousand.
I can throw them bitches quick.
I bought a box of a thousand.
Okay.
Okay.
I got a thousand rounds.
I got a thousand rounds.
No gun.
And it's a ten shoot.
It's a ten shot semi.
Okay.
Okay, so I got a couple days to fight.
We got some knives.
My wife has a hatchet that, you know, I got something from a sponsor.
You're putting her on hatchet duty?
Yeah.
It's graceful.
Where's the chivalry?
Well, listen, I shoot the kid in the head.
She fucking cleans, you know.
She chops them up.
I got the wife on screwdriver detail.
I don't, you know what, water-wise, like water, like we don't have the gallons
lined up.
We're not one of those preppers, you know.
Which we found out a lot of, like we asked the listeners, dude, they came in.
People are like, I got 50,000 rounds.
I got water for five months.
Stocked up on diesel fuel.
Yeah, people are like, I got like 80 gallons of diesel cooking.
Oh, you guys got people that are.
There's some people out in Wyoming that are fucking ready.
Are you on a well up there?
Yes.
You guys, you guys, well, well.
That's probably, that'll stay good, right?
A well.
Yeah, plus you can get to it, I think, right?
Yeah, no, the well, I think like the regular, but I'm talking about having jugs.
Right.
Yeah, sure.
Having jugs ready, I don't think we would.
You'd be all right.
Yeah, you're making me think.
Dude, we started talking, I'm about to buy land in the Poconos to get the fuck
out of town
and shit happens.
I got a thousand bottles of Gatorade.
I'll be all right.
Stacy's going to be like, what happened on RU Garbage?
Why's there water all over the fucking house?
Why are you wearing a gas mask?
What the fuck are you doing, Paul?
Shut up and fill up the tub.
Where are my bullets?
Why is my hatchet on my pillow?
I buy a freezer.
You got a deep freeze.
Do you have a separate freezer?
Do you have like a meat freezer downstairs?
No, we don't have the separate meat freezer.
We have another fridge that's downstairs.
We have a secondary fridge downstairs, which stocks like a lot of the drinks,
the extra
stuff.
Sure.
But we don't have that meat locker.
Gotcha.
So yeah, the more I think about this, I'm probably not.
You do have the deer up there, though.
Yeah.
You can shoot a deer.
We could shoot a deer.
You could lure them out with apples in the backyard and clip one.
Wildlife, we could probably eat for a while.
That's true.
Sure.
You know.
Would you link up with Yanni P, do you think?
Yeah, because we went together for the gun, so he's got a thousand rounds, too.
There you go.
So together, we could, you know.
I can just picture them two cleaning their guns together.
Oh, man.
Oh, no.
I picture you guys buying those guns like, well, if you're getting 500, I'm
getting a thousand.
One up in each other?
Dude, one of the funniest things is when we bought the guns, our wives were
really pissed
off.
But he's like, dude, she said, I got to get a watermelon.
Dude, he showed up to his house.
He had a watermelon under one arm and a rifle and a thousand rounds in the
other.
And she's like, what the fuck?
She's like, well, you got a gun?
He's like, I got them.
Watermelon.
What the fuck do you want?
It's a summer.
A refreshing treat for you.
But yeah, I think, see, the nice thing is, see, I'm elevated.
Okay?
You're up.
You got a high bandage.
I'm on a hill on a mountain.
A lot of people are only on one.
I'm on both.
So I'm on the mountain that's with a hill on the fucking thing.
I'm 800 feet high.
And the hill, we're all kind of know each other.
We're all family.
You'd have to band together a little bit.
So we would band together.
We'd get our guns.
We'd get our hatches.
We could blow a couple of those trees, too, so nobody could get up the roadways.
Yeah, that's pretty good.
There you go.
We'd make a blockade.
Yeah.
He's thinking, dude, I just saw the motor start turning under.
My buddy's got a backhoe.
We could do shit.
Yeah, we got a, there's a couple of neighbors, a neighbor across the street's a
cop.
There you go.
So he's got, he's loaded.
He's wired.
Sure.
And he's like, he's got, he's like, dude, if anybody comes near to, you know,
he's like,
I'm outside with the gun.
I was like, all right, let's not get crazy.
He's like, I got a dog.
I can't shoot the mail, man.
Yeah, I got a dog.
It's a Super Bowl party.
Relax, are you?
Yeah, this guy's going to fucking snipe out my dog thinking it's a wild coyote.
I'm like, dude, relax.
So that's the plan.
That's pretty good.
That's not bad.
You're way better prepared than we are.
I mean.
Is there anywhere you would bolt to?
Where would you go?
That would be the Alamo.
You would just hold steady at the crib.
Yeah, I'm so far up.
Yeah, it's not like you're going to run to the Poconos.
There's a lot of woods.
We have actually more woods we can go to.
So I think we would just, like, hunker down where we are strategically and
figure it out.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think so.
You know?
I mean.
I like it.
Now, what if we came staggering up the hill?
Oh, I mean, you guys are more than one.
What do you mean, staggering?
Are you guys bleeding?
Are you guys zombies?
Like, if they already got you, I'd be like, I love you guys.
But if you come up bleeding, I'd be like, listen, Hank, you got 10 minutes left.
I'll make a phone call for you, but I can't.
I mean, I got white leather.
Definitely get in a car.
I'll let you on a property.
You ain't get in a car.
Paul, take him to the emergency room.
I mean, use your car.
You got black leather.
This guy's not going to bleed out on this.
But if I saw you guys, like, tired, alive, and everything, I would obviously be
like,
yeah, of course.
But even if I saw you guys bleeding, you just wouldn't go in a car.
What do you respect?
Fine leather is fine leather at the end of the day.
Find you a nice spot in the shed, Hank.
That's why you lick those wounds for a little while.
See if you turn into a zombie.
That's good stuff.
Man, I like it.
That's good.
Let's do some cues here.
Yeah, gang.
As you know, when you sign up for the Patreon, we will answer your garbage
question on the air.
It's just the best way to do it.
We got a lot of submissions, but Patreon gets the first crack at it.
This one we've never talked about.
This is from Gary.
He goes, I know we've agreed.
First of all, do you pee in the shower?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let it fly if you have to.
He goes, I know we've all agreed peeing in the shower while showering is fair
game.
Was it trash to pee at the shower at the gym?
I would never in a millionaire shower at a gym.
Really?
Thank you.