Name: The H. Foley Story w/ Stavros Halkias
Uploaded: 2023-02-14T22:00:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The H. Foley Story w/ Stavros Halkias' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The H. Foley Story w/ Stavros Halkias' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-14. Transcript available.

well we want to start now with just you know what just let's get to what are
your guys issues let's
fucking really dish here i'm very happy for you guys have had a lot of success
things are going
good recently but you know you still you you you were degenerate pieces of shit
for years with
nothing going on until like six weeks ago you want to do the math i would argue
we still are
yeah that's true that's true but especially youthful you're so you're so much
older than
everyone thinks you are that's what you are youthful i always say that i best
case scenario
for a fat man but it's like i will say for you your body is held up so much
more than it should
have i agree and you look so much better than you should yeah especially when
you consider how you've
lived your life 100 you know i always say genetically i'm supposed to be
attractive i don't have a lot
of hair you know my my skin's pretty good i look young yeah but i've just
worked really really hard
yeah to fucking not be attractive yeah and when you're doing it yeah and hard
work pays off folks
you hear that kids you at home could also be a fat piece of shit
with good hair i ate that piece of salmon that was on the kitchen
you're like a dog we can't leave it we're foley
sorry eldest there goes your breakfast
um so wait wendy because like i am always fascinated because we met and you
know like we
we all we met through like stand-up like probably i don't know almost a decade
ago sure yeah but you
you had this whole life of like you were acting forced and foremost and like i
mean right no here we
go yeah yeah yeah lower the lights and get him a scarf
jesus christ i've got to hear this sob story
we got let's make a note of we need to be able to
control the lighting elders i wish we could give him a fucking spotlight
spotlight
he starts walking yeah jazz music starts to eat or not to eat
no so uh yeah so i'm 46 now i didn't start comedy till i was 32. oh shit um
never really
thought about doing comedy you know you know you're funny you should do this
didn't want to do it
pop up everybody was funny um i did want to be an actor though so i flunked out
of college
my sophomore year and then here at myu where'd you go uh columbia columbia no
what are you talking
about the montgomery community college i did for a half a semester get his head
on straight you know
what i mean when you when you say college you mean uh the philly fanatic
training academy
i flunked out of mascot school i decided i would be an actor i was just close
to being gritty
uh no so i went to i went to a theater conservatory uh near near where i went
to college so i did that
for two years and then i was wildly insecure i was fucking uh i was were you
fat as shit back then
as well i was now it's kind of funny interesting because i see pictures of him
like you like on like
you know phase whatever like old pictures from like a decade ago yeah yeah yeah
when we had first
moved to new york and like you were like smaller than i am now yeah like i used
to be the
he used to like i used to he used to call me the fat yeah what's up fatty what's
up lord and like
i look at him he was like you were probably like 225 or something yeah and we
met this so go this is
going back 10 years before i met him so in college i played football and lacrosse
wow so lax bro in
the spring i was like a buck 80. wow look and i rolled in it i rolled into uh
to theater school
like that you must have been a piece of ass back then you're getting sucked off
of community
college left and right oh i was doing it it was all right yeah it was a good
time what was your
favorite piece of pie from that era foley uh i hooked up with this uh this this
uh black chick
at the theater for like the whole summer look at that that was all right yeah
was she a fan of your
like talent do you think you got her with with your acting yeah that was uh
that that was always
something you understand like on on set romances and stuff like that of course
yeah me and elvis have
been hooking up this is the only set i've been on can't get anything done in
here
it's like a porn shoot yeah i did i did do i did do one movie and then they
were like uh it was like
this like it's coming out i don't know maybe it's already out by the time this
comes out but
um the the person i spent the most time with halfway into the thing it was like
they tested everybody
for you know covet and all this stuff it was kind of over nobody really gave a
it was this summer and then they were like hey we've got a we've got an
emergency and they're like
somebody tested one of the extras tested positive for coven we're like oh that
sucks and then i sit
back down the lady that was sitting next to me the whole time different lady
and i was like what the
fuck that bitch had coven so thank god there was no on-screen romance with me
and her i would have
fucking had the vid for a fourth time um but that's cute some community college
you both think you're
going to be serious actors you and the girl no this was a community college
this was oh at the
conservatory conservatory yeah um so you're both like self you're young you
still the world hasn't
taken either of you down a notch that must have been a beautiful hopeful
romance no and the good
setup was is that we were there as uh repertory actors but then in the summer
they would bring in
um college students that were studying theater from like pretty good colleges
they were like you know
they were they were they were they were you know people from good stock and
they would come in and
they would stay there for the summer and it would be like you know me and a
bunch of you know a bunch
of like just regular you know guys that didn't come up that way philly trash philly
trash yeah so it was uh
it was a good setup it was nice but then i moved to hey juliet come over here
give me some pussy
delco romeo and juliet yeah your dad's a lawyer what's up can you get me out of
my d-line
tell them we're in love but no i did that for two years and then my my roommate
was from north carolina
so we made the the wise decision instead of moving to new york or la this is go
to the entertainment
hub of raleigh yeah literally so here's what's this up that's awesome this was
like 96 97. everybody's
going to hollywood man they're singing we gotta sing there's a town in north
carolina called
wilmington north carolina sure and screen gem studios was down there okay and
at the time they
were filming dawson's creek there you uprooted your whole life for a one out of
a hundred shot of
being in dawson's creek but one out of a million to be floating in the creek at
some point so we get
down there and this decision making process is so crazy this is the start to
deal with it on a daily
basis it's wild it's absolutely oh my god that's incredible what do you find i
literally go where
how do we end up here what's going on so we didn't realize at the time that
just because they filmed
something somewhere doesn't mean that they cast it out of there so we showed up
at the high school and
stuff oh yeah yeah yeah had my hat on sideways is dawson here yeah so we go
down there and i end up
landscaping in the north carolina sun yeah for nine months oh my god don't get
anything yeah
of course you didn't get anything smoke crack for the first time down there
because all the rich kids
for the first time yeah yeah yeah the other times were you know all the rich
kids down there what they
would do is they would get like really really pure high-powered cocaine and
they would basically free
base it make the yeah make their own crack that's how they consumed it right um
so yeah yeah yeah
so i started doing that yeah and i was landscaping you gotta get into the local
culture you started
smoking crack because you were a poser because you wanted people to think you
were a cool rich guy
i had my sweater you found the one place rich people emulating a rich person
leads you down to
smoking crack you didn't go you didn't fucking you know buy nicer clothes try
and get into business
school social club or something hey man i'm just trying to get a head we're
gonna get these hedges
done ma'am no problem let's say goodbye these hedges no problem i was trying to
get into this private
country club incredible incredible but i i've done coke before i started doing
sure started doing it in
in college and no one thought you did not one person that's hearing this
thought that was you just your
first worry into drugs was crack and i loved it obviously because it's
fantastic and then when i
started doing that it was a bad situation you don't say that's when things took
a turn for the words
everything was smooth salad up until the crack came in oh my so you're doing
crack in north carolina
that was for how long how long was the north carolina crack era it was uh it
was nine months
it ended with hurricane bonnie my roommate had met a girl moved out gave up on
acting and i was left in
this fucking apartment complex right next to jeff gordon chevrolet i love how
you're like
he gave up on acting as if you were fucking attacking it if you were still
still hitting the pavement
knocking on doors caddying and smoking crack probably you're like yeah any day
now i'll be behind i'll be
behind james van der beek at a locker any day now what's funny is that's what i
thought i thought
that you would get discovered that's how i thought it's like i had no idea i
didn't realize the
step-by-step process of trying to be successful you went to school they didn't
if i can run any of this
by you no that was the third semester was moved to raleigh north carolina and
pick up a crack habit
we did tai chi classes and studied hamlet it's like give me a name how do i
jerk off an agent
give me something oh you would have gotten easily for for uh for but what would
you have done
anything what do you mean there's some there is some agent right now some some
closeted agent who's
hearing this and just crying looking at your headshot yeah i could have but you're
i could have blown him
yeah yeah yeah i could have blown him soft i would have came out of weinstein's
hotel room and like
we're good oh mom and dad i got great news come on your mustache and we're
gonna be rich mom and dad
buy that above ground pool and they did but i was down there nothing nothing
worked out obviously there
was a bad hurricane i fucking i got out of there dude imagine a hurricane
ruining your acting chances
the weather the weather crushed his dreams that's how flimsy they were well it's
raining i bet i better
quit hey we gave it a good shot see if there's any crack left let's get out of
here
but then my brother my brother just graduated college and he was uh so i
figured i moved to new
york and mooch off him for a decade that's exactly what i did yeah he was
working on wall street he was
doing well that's all he saw that i was starting to go nowhere he's like come
up here live with me
and then i came up here and just started waiting tables and doing more cocaine
yeah and didn't really
leave the upper east side for about six years huh telling people that like yeah
i'm gonna be an actor
and then but it was so much different back then there was no fucking actor's
access there was no
you know there was no digital you had to like staple headshots to a resume and
send them out and hope
yeah yeah yeah it fucking sucked yeah um doesn't sound like you're doing much
of that either though
no i didn't have a stapler what are you talking about you know what he had to
do dude it was brutal so
then i just stayed up here fucking did that and then um i'm interested in the
cocaine waiter
era though you know where you're this is the this is the dying this is when you're
at the greek
restaurant no no no that did that was that was fucking when i was 35 okay yeah
yeah that was five
years ago yeah yeah yeah but i waited tables and just told people i was an
actor you know those
fucking losers of course i did that as a comedian i every time i said i felt
like such a liar yeah i had
done one open mic i'm like i do comedy oh that's a lie piece of shit but then
my brother moved out
eventually uh you know he got engaged and this is this is maybe like were you
in his apartment
yeah we lived in a studio apartment for a little while and then we got a three
bedroom with another
friend of ours and that's when my addiction really really got bad and i
basically i started dating
this girl and she broke up with me and i literally stayed in my apartment on in
murray hill on 34th and
second for about five years doing crazy amounts of cocaine driving my brother
up a wall because i
wasn't a good good drug addict i wasn't a good cocaine addict it stimulated my
uh my sex drive
so i was literally beating off oh my god dude the olive oil would go missing
the pan would go missing
there was fucking hand prints of olive oil all over the walls i'd look out the
window i put my ear
against the wall thinking i could hear people having sex next door dude it was
fucking bad so your your
brother trying to save your life is rewarded with six years of you doing
cocaine and beating off in his
spare bedroom yeah roughly yeah interesting um and then after that he he moved
out i moved to uh sunnyside
queens by myself was still waiting tables just at just just at this random
place then it got really
really bad but i started to kind of pull myself out of it then it did it's
gotten really bad about eight
times in the story i started to pull myself out of a little bit and i was i
started to i played guitar
and i started to write songs and i started to perform around the city a little
bit you were such a
fucking loser that was what got you out of it was being some fucking dumb
waiter that played guitar
one of his songs name was sunny day you piece of i told you that confidence
and that would have been a good track if i could have found the right producer

The H. Foley Story w/ Stavros Halkias

well we want to start now with just you know what just let's get to what are
your guys issues let's
fucking really dish here i'm very happy for you guys have had a lot of success
things are going
good recently but you know you still you you you were degenerate pieces of shit
for years with
nothing going on until like six weeks ago you want to do the math i would argue
we still are
yeah that's true that's true but especially youthful you're so you're so much
older than
everyone thinks you are that's what you are youthful i always say that i best
case scenario
for a fat man but it's like i will say for you your body is held up so much
more than it should
have i agree and you look so much better than you should yeah especially when
you consider how you've
lived your life 100 you know i always say genetically i'm supposed to be
attractive i don't have a lot
of hair you know my my skin's pretty good i look young yeah but i've just
worked really really hard
yeah to fucking not be attractive yeah and when you're doing it yeah and hard
work pays off folks
you hear that kids you at home could also be a fat piece of shit
with good hair i ate that piece of salmon that was on the kitchen
you're like a dog we can't leave it we're foley
sorry eldest there goes your breakfast
um so wait wendy because like i am always fascinated because we met and you
know like we
we all we met through like stand-up like probably i don't know almost a decade
ago sure yeah but you
you had this whole life of like you were acting forced and foremost and like i
mean right no here we
go yeah yeah yeah lower the lights and get him a scarf
jesus christ i've got to hear this sob story
we got let's make a note of we need to be able to
control the lighting elders i wish we could give him a fucking spotlight
spotlight
he starts walking yeah jazz music starts to eat or not to eat
no so uh yeah so i'm 46 now i didn't start comedy till i was 32. oh shit um
never really
thought about doing comedy you know you know you're funny you should do this
didn't want to do it
pop up everybody was funny um i did want to be an actor though so i flunked out
of college
my sophomore year and then here at myu where'd you go uh columbia columbia no
what are you talking
about the montgomery community college i did for a half a semester get his head
on straight you know
what i mean when you when you say college you mean uh the philly fanatic
training academy
i flunked out of mascot school i decided i would be an actor i was just close
to being gritty
uh no so i went to i went to a theater conservatory uh near near where i went
to college so i did that
for two years and then i was wildly insecure i was fucking uh i was were you
fat as shit back then
as well i was now it's kind of funny interesting because i see pictures of him
like you like on like
you know phase whatever like old pictures from like a decade ago yeah yeah yeah
when we had first
moved to new york and like you were like smaller than i am now yeah like i used
to be the
he used to like i used to he used to call me the fat yeah what's up fatty what's
up lord and like
i look at him he was like you were probably like 225 or something yeah and we
met this so go this is
going back 10 years before i met him so in college i played football and lacrosse
wow so lax bro in
the spring i was like a buck 80. wow look and i rolled in it i rolled into uh
to theater school
like that you must have been a piece of ass back then you're getting sucked off
of community
college left and right oh i was doing it it was all right yeah it was a good
time what was your
favorite piece of pie from that era foley uh i hooked up with this uh this this
uh black chick
at the theater for like the whole summer look at that that was all right yeah
was she a fan of your
like talent do you think you got her with with your acting yeah that was uh
that that was always
something you understand like on on set romances and stuff like that of course
yeah me and elvis have
been hooking up this is the only set i've been on can't get anything done in
here
it's like a porn shoot yeah i did i did do i did do one movie and then they
were like uh it was like
this like it's coming out i don't know maybe it's already out by the time this
comes out but
um the the person i spent the most time with halfway into the thing it was like
they tested everybody
for you know covet and all this stuff it was kind of over nobody really gave a
it was this summer and then they were like hey we've got a we've got an
emergency and they're like
somebody tested one of the extras tested positive for coven we're like oh that
sucks and then i sit
back down the lady that was sitting next to me the whole time different lady
and i was like what the
fuck that bitch had coven so thank god there was no on-screen romance with me
and her i would have
fucking had the vid for a fourth time um but that's cute some community college
you both think you're
going to be serious actors you and the girl no this was a community college
this was oh at the
conservatory conservatory yeah um so you're both like self you're young you
still the world hasn't
taken either of you down a notch that must have been a beautiful hopeful
romance no and the good
setup was is that we were there as uh repertory actors but then in the summer
they would bring in
um college students that were studying theater from like pretty good colleges
they were like you know
they were they were they were they were you know people from good stock and
they would come in and
they would stay there for the summer and it would be like you know me and a
bunch of you know a bunch
of like just regular you know guys that didn't come up that way philly trash philly
trash yeah so it was uh
it was a good setup it was nice but then i moved to hey juliet come over here
give me some pussy
delco romeo and juliet yeah your dad's a lawyer what's up can you get me out of
my d-line
tell them we're in love but no i did that for two years and then my my roommate
was from north carolina
so we made the the wise decision instead of moving to new york or la this is go
to the entertainment
hub of raleigh yeah literally so here's what's this up that's awesome this was
like 96 97. everybody's
going to hollywood man they're singing we gotta sing there's a town in north
carolina called
wilmington north carolina sure and screen gem studios was down there okay and
at the time they
were filming dawson's creek there you uprooted your whole life for a one out of
a hundred shot of
being in dawson's creek but one out of a million to be floating in the creek at
some point so we get
down there and this decision making process is so crazy this is the start to
deal with it on a daily
basis it's wild it's absolutely oh my god that's incredible what do you find i
literally go where
how do we end up here what's going on so we didn't realize at the time that
just because they filmed
something somewhere doesn't mean that they cast it out of there so we showed up
at the high school and
stuff oh yeah yeah yeah had my hat on sideways is dawson here yeah so we go
down there and i end up
landscaping in the north carolina sun yeah for nine months oh my god don't get
anything yeah
of course you didn't get anything smoke crack for the first time down there
because all the rich kids
for the first time yeah yeah yeah the other times were you know all the rich
kids down there what they
would do is they would get like really really pure high-powered cocaine and
they would basically free
base it make the yeah make their own crack that's how they consumed it right um
so yeah yeah yeah
so i started doing that yeah and i was landscaping you gotta get into the local
culture you started
smoking crack because you were a poser because you wanted people to think you
were a cool rich guy
i had my sweater you found the one place rich people emulating a rich person
leads you down to
smoking crack you didn't go you didn't fucking you know buy nicer clothes try
and get into business
school social club or something hey man i'm just trying to get a head we're
gonna get these hedges
done ma'am no problem let's say goodbye these hedges no problem i was trying to
get into this private
country club incredible incredible but i i've done coke before i started doing
sure started doing it in
in college and no one thought you did not one person that's hearing this
thought that was you just your
first worry into drugs was crack and i loved it obviously because it's
fantastic and then when i
started doing that it was a bad situation you don't say that's when things took
a turn for the words
everything was smooth salad up until the crack came in oh my so you're doing
crack in north carolina
that was for how long how long was the north carolina crack era it was uh it
was nine months
it ended with hurricane bonnie my roommate had met a girl moved out gave up on
acting and i was left in
this fucking apartment complex right next to jeff gordon chevrolet i love how
you're like
he gave up on acting as if you were fucking attacking it if you were still
still hitting the pavement
knocking on doors caddying and smoking crack probably you're like yeah any day
now i'll be behind i'll be
behind james van der beek at a locker any day now what's funny is that's what i
thought i thought
that you would get discovered that's how i thought it's like i had no idea i
didn't realize the
step-by-step process of trying to be successful you went to school they didn't
if i can run any of this
by you no that was the third semester was moved to raleigh north carolina and
pick up a crack habit
we did tai chi classes and studied hamlet it's like give me a name how do i
jerk off an agent
give me something oh you would have gotten easily for for uh for but what would
you have done
anything what do you mean there's some there is some agent right now some some
closeted agent who's
hearing this and just crying looking at your headshot yeah i could have but you're
i could have blown him
yeah yeah yeah i could have blown him soft i would have came out of weinstein's
hotel room and like
we're good oh mom and dad i got great news come on your mustache and we're
gonna be rich mom and dad
buy that above ground pool and they did but i was down there nothing nothing
worked out obviously there
was a bad hurricane i fucking i got out of there dude imagine a hurricane
ruining your acting chances
the weather the weather crushed his dreams that's how flimsy they were well it's
raining i bet i better
quit hey we gave it a good shot see if there's any crack left let's get out of
here
but then my brother my brother just graduated college and he was uh so i
figured i moved to new
york and mooch off him for a decade that's exactly what i did yeah he was
working on wall street he was
doing well that's all he saw that i was starting to go nowhere he's like come
up here live with me
and then i came up here and just started waiting tables and doing more cocaine
yeah and didn't really
leave the upper east side for about six years huh telling people that like yeah
i'm gonna be an actor
and then but it was so much different back then there was no fucking actor's
access there was no
you know there was no digital you had to like staple headshots to a resume and
send them out and hope
yeah yeah yeah it fucking sucked yeah um doesn't sound like you're doing much
of that either though
no i didn't have a stapler what are you talking about you know what he had to
do dude it was brutal so
then i just stayed up here fucking did that and then um i'm interested in the
cocaine waiter
era though you know where you're this is the this is the dying this is when you're
at the greek
restaurant no no no that did that was that was fucking when i was 35 okay yeah
yeah that was five
years ago yeah yeah yeah but i waited tables and just told people i was an
actor you know those
fucking losers of course i did that as a comedian i every time i said i felt
like such a