Name: How Not to Tip w/ Kippy & Foley
Uploaded: 2023-02-24T22:00:29.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'How Not to Tip w/ Kippy & Foley' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'How Not to Tip w/ Kippy & Foley' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-24. Transcript available.

Are you garbage?
I had a little bit of an etiquette, not etiquette thing,
one of those weird gray areas that this show lives in a little bit,
what to do in the moment, right?
Uh-huh.
Last night I went out to dinner with my lady,
and we went to a restaurant that a friend of hers runs.
Runs?
Yeah.
That could be a tricky situation.
So, and like, I'm a very like rule kind of guy,
like, I want to know what I'm getting into,
and I fucked up, I didn't bring cash,
because I had a feeling the bill was going to be waived a bit.
Really?
Maybe.
I didn't know.
And you still showed up empty-handed?
I knew that was a possibility.
I was running late.
We got out of here late.
Can't stop at an ATM?
Cash is, I wasn't thinking.
I was trying to get there on time.
If you needed a Snickers bar, you'd find one, wouldn't you?
Milky Way man myself.
Are you really?
Power bar, banana.
You believe that?
That's good stuff.
I'm going to be making that up in my head.
So, we get there.
I got, I'm cashless.
We get there, it's me, the lady, and he takes great care of us.
It's a-
Is he waiting on you?
Yeah, it's a little bit of a team effort.
What's he do?
He's the manager.
Yeah, he's running the show.
The general manager or just the floor manager that night?
General manager, I believe.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Calling the shots, my understanding.
I mean, everybody was going to him, right?
Everybody was kissing the ring.
Okay.
You know what I mean?
Kissing the onion ring, if you will.
So, my wife and his wife are friends.
They live in the building.
Okay.
Right next door.
They're friends.
So, my wife had gone in there before and was like, he gave us a pretty big
discount.
Like, she went in with her friend or whatever.
I don't even know, whatever.
So, I go, all right, cool.
I don't know.
So, I'm figuring something.
You know what I mean?
Take off a couple of round of drinks or the fucking appetizer.
He had nine of them.
So, we get it.
I kind of took it easy.
I'll have your second most expensive wine, please.
I want the first as well, but I will also take the second.
And two buckets of beers for the boys.
Get some of this to go.
Heist my knuckles down.
So, he executed everything relatively personally.
What kind of joint?
What kind of food are we talking?
I don't know.
Italian?
No.
They had pastas, burger, like good bar food.
Like, good bar.
Like, proper good bar food.
Okay.
It was one of those things where he's like, you want to do appetizers?
I go, yeah, we were thinking.
What are we, fucking assholes?
I was like, I was looking at this.
The first thing you do is insult me?
He goes, I got you.
So, I was like, all right, let's see.
Oh, really?
Kind of.
So, he brings out smaller plates, but of multiple things.
What are we talking?
Talking some grilled octopus.
Octopus, which, I'm not an octopus guy.
This shit would blow your dick.
I'm a huge octopus guy.
I'm just not doing it anymore.
Uh-huh.
They're too smart.
I've seen those tentacles there, big fella.
They're too smart.
Are they?
Yeah.
Why?
That documentary?
I don't know.
They got through a hole.
The guy, fucking, what are you doing?
I just feel bad.
You know what else is smart?
Cows, chickens, turkeys, gobble, cliff bars.
But that is a pretty smart, I hear.
You don't got a problem fucking killing them by the bar.
I'll eat squid all day.
They're the same thing.
Nah.
Can't do an octopus anymore.
But go ahead.
You do your thing.
You would have done this octopus.
I'm telling you.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, I mean, if it was on the table.
How about I want to, we won't go back then.
He was already murdered.
Famous people go to this place, too.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
See anybody?
I saw my reflection in a meme.
No, he said actors, a bunch of actors and stuff come in.
Okay.
Up there by Broadway.
So it's a real small, small joint, too.
I understand.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So he comes, he drops the apps.
Apps are good.
Some spinach artichoke dip.
Some bop-a-da-be-bop.
Well, you know, a couple of two-tree things.
Drinks are coming.
Got the beers coming.
They make me a cocktail, as well.
You had a beer and a cocktail?
I had a beer, and then they were talking about this cocktail.
Can I say this?
I'm listening.
This might be a symptom of alcoholism, but I don't mind multiple drinks, a
cocktail and
a beer, just having an IPA as a backup.
Yeah, no, I don't like doing that.
I pick my lane, and I stay in my lane.
You, on the other hand, are what we call in the business a booze bae.
I'm all over the road.
Yeah.
Did you go out to dinner with us, guys?
I'll take a red wine, an IPA.
I do do that.
I do do that.
I'll take a vodka dirty, whatever.
I do do that.
Like, when we were at Galley's, we started out with an IPA at the bar.
I stayed IPAs.
You stayed IPAs?
I'm a gentleman.
Well, if I would have got to the table directly when I walked in, I would have
ordered my cocktail,
but I was hemmed up.
What are you going to do?
I made that reservation again.
You did?
Yeah.
It's under your name.
You've never done anything.
What are you talking about?
I walk around the corner, I get your Red Bull, you complain that it's warm.
I'll make it.
That's life with you.
I'll make it next time, see if we get a little bit different treatment.
We'll walk into the-
Gallagher's in Milwaukee or something.
You're going to do the wrong location.
We'll walk into the-
Through the kitchen.
Yeah, because we have to-
Yeah, we had two shifts.
We're closing that night.
What are you talking about?
No.
Yeah, I did a beer, then the dirty martini, glass of red wine.
Dirty underwear.
I brought those myself.
And then an espresso martini, because we were going out.
You're all over the road.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
Watch out for this.
You're the only guy I know that does that.
Maybe, like, I don't know.
I feel like some of the Europeans, when I go out with my wife's family, I feel
they'll
do that.
You sum the star, they'll change it up, glass of wine with the meal.
Sure.
Then, like, a fucking, you know, something, something, whatever.
Right, right, right.
But you are no European.
No, I am not.
So, then we do everything.
Everything's good.
You want the dessert.
And now we got to get out of there.
We're going to-
Kinky Boots.
We're going to a show.
You got friends on Broadway.
There are other friends in Kinky Boots.
Look at you.
She's a social butterfly, that one.
Look at you.
Not me.
No.
No.
I'd be under the bed if it was possible.
With Hans, that's where he came.
You brought a sandwich.
I'm fine, thank you.
So, now we're, like, running.
It's getting kind of time where we got to fucking skedaddle, right?
And there's no, like, I don't know how to ask for the, I think asking for the
check would
be, like, over the, you know, I didn't, I didn't know how to broach this
subject.
This is what the question-
We got to go.
This free or what?
Yeah.
Am I paying for this or can I fucking go?
Yeah.
You need anything for this?
What's the deal?
So, you didn't, this is the question you're proposing.
But there's also good conversation, but my anxiety's running of, like, all
right, man,
we got, you know, 20 minutes to get there.
It's 12 minutes.
What, like, I'm like, I'm not, everybody's hanging out having a good time and I'm,
Kippy's
being crazy.
A little cray cray.
We got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
We didn't need to, I mean, yeah, whatever.
So.
I always got to get out of there.
No matter what.
People are fucking, they're always coming, man.
I don't know what, I don't know what the next thing is, but let's get out there.
Let's get outside, figure it out.
Get a heater, get my fucking head on straight.
Check my fucking six, will you?
Yeah, I'm always ready to go.
So, we, so I go, I think, oh shit, I think, I like, oh shit.
Yeah, I got to get out of here, right?
It's 640, whatever.
So, then he goes, I just, I fucked up.
I should have had cash.
He goes, this is on me.
He goes, it's all, all, all clear.
So, in my head.
Did you do the, no, don't do that.
Come on, that's crazy.
Just give him a little pushback.
I don't even think so.
Really?
Yeah.
I said, are these free?
He's walking with some fucking lemon slices and shit.
You put these in a bag.
Grab one of the waitresses.
Let's go, honey.
She's with me.
That's bad.
You got to give a little pushback.
If you're asking the advice of counsel.
No, he's been inviting us for a long, I understand, but he's been inviting us
for a long time.
I was just, I think I might have, not hard, oh, really, you didn't have to,
thank you, I appreciate it.
But it's also like, we've been in that where it's like the fake hymn and all,
and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, just, hey, thank you.
You're doing a nice gesture.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
But now it's time for you to do your nice gesture.
And now it's time for me to do my nice gesture.
But so.
And you ain't got it.
So my wife goes.
I'll be like octopus.
Last time, my wife was there.
She's like, oh, he charged us like half.
And then like, we tipped it.
Well, she gave a discount.
He goes, this is on me.
So, but like, doesn't even present me a bill.
So I got nothing.
So I got no, like, I'm flying mega blind here and I got no cage.
Let's say the dinner was 150 bucks.
So he goes, do you want, I go, shit.
I was like, oh, I don't have any cash on me.
He goes, so he charged me.
He goes, if you want to leave, don't leave anything to me.
He's like, if you want to leave something to the guys, of course.
You have to.
Yeah, no shit.
All right.
Easy does it.
Easy does it.
Do you think there's a world where I did it?
I don't know.
You're looking at yourself in the mirror.
You're eating octopus.
I don't know who you are.
Going to Kinky Boots.
Got friends.
It's crazy.
There you go.
So he goes, all right.
So he, so my wife was like, so then he walks away and I'm like telling my wife,
I'm like,
hey, this is like the Super Bowl for me to figure out.
Like, I don't know what this has cost in the whole nine yards.
I just want to make sure I do the right thing.
You know what I mean?
So she goes, he gave us an itemized breakdown and just did like a, like a
discount.
Like if it was like a hundred bucks, he charged us 90 or whatever.
You know what I mean?
Okay.
Doesn't do that.
I just get a bill for $1.09.
He just charged like a dollar so I could dip.
So I'm still flying blind.
What's 50% of $1.38?
What's 12% of, uh, so I don't know anything, right?
Uh-huh.
I don't know.
I got to figure I probably, I think I had two beers.
And a cocktail.
You had two beers and a cocktail.
How many appetizers?
But the cocktail was on them.
They were talking about it.
I was like, oh, that sounds cool.
And they're like, oh, we'll make you one.
It was that.
It was like, you know, because we're at the bar.
Okay.
Two beers.
Two beers.
I would assume the thing would be on the cuff.
But throw it, I mean, it's probably pretty expensive.
I'm throwing it in there.
Now, how many appetizers?
There were small plates.
There were smaller plates.
They don't call them appetizers.
They call them small plates or shareables.
Two smaller plates.
Two.
One for each.
We could do the math, actually.
I could pull up the menu.
We could do the math.
You want to do that?
Oh, very good.
Well, don't tell me because I'm doing it.
Okay.
I'm doing it a little bit.
All right.
So, I'm going to say the two small plates were that.
You each got an entree?
Yes.
What's the bird drinking?
One of her mocktails?
She's doing a mocktail.
But, again, it was more like, hey, do you have something you can whip up for
her?
Because we had a liaison.
But charge one mocktail.
Pull one mocktail.
They might not have put those in.
I'm going to say, okay.
Well, what was the entree?
Was there meat involved?
She did fish.
I did a burg.
Did a burger?
They're known for their burgers.
Uh-huh.
It's like the...
Branzino.
Whole fish or filet?
Filet.
With sides?
Some sort of puree, it looked like.
Came with it?
Yeah.
On the plate?
On the plate.
Not sides separate?
No, on the plate.
And then the dessert?
What are we looking at?
Nothing for diz.
You said there was dessert.
You said it came time to dessert.
That's when I was like, I got to...
He's like, do you want dessert?
No dessert.
Coffee?
Espresso?
No, no, no.
No espresso?
No espresso.
I never do espresso.
What are you...
I'm a fucking American, god damn it.
Give me a cup of coffee.
You have an espresso.
Give me a Starbucks.
You have coffee.
Whatever.
You got to have something.
You have an after-dinner cocktail.
Do an espresso.
You're only doing espresso if the Coke's out.
If you ran out of Coke.
What are you talking about?
Okay.
Do a little adding here.
10, 20, 32, 47.
This is where I'm going to get jams up here.
Carry the 12.
What's 47 and 15, Toby?
63.
63.
63, 68, 98, 98, and 25.
You're asking?
Yeah.
What do you mean?
When I point to you?
1, 23.
Okay.
All right.
You got tax and title.
This is a very hard feeling, by the way, but we'll get into it.
Okay.
I'm not good at math.
I'm only good at deleting episodes.
I got a number.
I got a number.
I got a number of what the meal should be, and I also have a number on the
inside of what
you should have left.
Okay.
So we'll see how you do.
Give me one second here.
Might be pulling your card here.
Grab you by the ear and take you back to that restaurant.
Get you straightened out.
I have the actual number.
I have the actual number of what it cost off the menu.
Okay.
You added up everything you had.
Added up everything I had.
Okay.
My number came in at $140.
I have, with tax, probably $140.
I came in at $127.
Okay.
Straight off the menu.
Straight off the menu, $127.
That all makes sense.
All right.
So $140.
Mm-hmm.
What'd you leave, Kip?
My keys.
In a hurry, huh?
Your credit card.
What'd you leave?
What would you have left?
I wrote down a number here.
This is what I would have.
Now, listen.
This is what I would have left.
Sure.
Because the generosity of doing it, a lot of times as a server, when this
situation would
happen, the dickhead who was friends with, and I'm not calling you a dickhead.
That seems like that's what you're doing.
Is this about the warm Red Bull?
I apologize.
I said I was sorry.
The bald dickhead who's sitting next to me, also my best friend.
Well, you know, that happens.
You know, my friends are coming in.
But you take really good care of what's on the arm, and they fucking screw you.
Or they tip you on the discounted price.
But also, we didn't really have a server.
He kind of just quarterbacked everything.
It doesn't...
I know, but I'm just saying, it's not like we had a server, and he was like,
take care
of them.
But it...
Okay.
That's what I'm saying.
We were at the bar, and he was quarterbacking everything.
But you ate at the bar?
Yeah.
You didn't tell me that.
I for sure mentioned that.
You ate at the bar.
That does change the number I would leave.
Where's the bartender?
At the...
He's in his car.
What do you mean?
He's at the bar.
What were the servers doing?
What do you mean?
It must be a pool.
That was a small joint?
Small joint.
I told you that.
All right.
Then, yeah.
Then it still applies.
Okay?
The number on the inside is what?
But I didn't talk to anybody but him.
And the bartender of like, do you need another drink?
Okay.
Like, I didn't talk to him.
That's what I'm saying.
I didn't have a waiter.
No one cares.
The menus were on the fucking scanner.
He was just like, what do you want?
I recommend this.
This is good.
This is bad.
Like, he just was...
That's tough.
But still, that's what I would have left.
And I would have had cash on me, too.
You're nuts.
Can I...
Some have said...
Can I say my number and see if I close to Foley?
This is not what you would have...
Wait.
In what world is that what you leave?
That's what I would have left.
I would have...
This is Foley doing Foley.
It's not.
I would have paid for the meal.
What I thought the meal was, I would have paid for.
Can I tell you what I would have left?
Uh-huh.
150.
Whoa.
Ah, not so crazy now, huh?
I put eight grand.
Oh, this is bad.
Yeah, dude.
You're a bozo.
Wait.
Did I really misstep this hard?
What did you leave, Kevin?
I don't want to say, dude.
Holy shit.
What was Foley's number?
200.
Oh, shit.
That's kind of high.
That's very high.
That's 50 bucks higher than yours.
Let's not start splitting hairs here.
We got this guy on the ropes.
What are you doing?
Good point.
Would you leave, bozo?
Dirtbag.
I left 50 bucks.
Oh, no.
I'm lying.
I left 40.
I left 40.

How Not to Tip w/ Kippy & Foley

Are you garbage?
I had a little bit of an etiquette, not etiquette thing,
one of those weird gray areas that this show lives in a little bit,
what to do in the moment, right?
Uh-huh.
Last night I went out to dinner with my lady,
and we went to a restaurant that a friend of hers runs.
Runs?
Yeah.
That could be a tricky situation.
So, and like, I'm a very like rule kind of guy,
like, I want to know what I'm getting into,
and I fucked up, I didn't bring cash,
because I had a feeling the bill was going to be waived a bit.
Really?
Maybe.
I didn't know.
And you still showed up empty-handed?
I knew that was a possibility.
I was running late.
We got out of here late.
Can't stop at an ATM?
Cash is, I wasn't thinking.
I was trying to get there on time.
If you needed a Snickers bar, you'd find one, wouldn't you?
Milky Way man myself.
Are you really?
Power bar, banana.
You believe that?
That's good stuff.
I'm going to be making that up in my head.
So, we get there.
I got, I'm cashless.
We get there, it's me, the lady, and he takes great care of us.
It's a-
Is he waiting on you?
Yeah, it's a little bit of a team effort.
What's he do?
He's the manager.
Yeah, he's running the show.
The general manager or just the floor manager that night?
General manager, I believe.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Calling the shots, my understanding.
I mean, everybody was going to him, right?
Everybody was kissing the ring.
Okay.
You know what I mean?
Kissing the onion ring, if you will.
So, my wife and his wife are friends.
They live in the building.
Okay.
Right next door.
They're friends.
So, my wife had gone in there before and was like, he gave us a pretty big
discount.
Like, she went in with her friend or whatever.
I don't even know, whatever.
So, I go, all right, cool.
I don't know.
So, I'm figuring something.
You know what I mean?
Take off a couple of round of drinks or the fucking appetizer.
He had nine of them.
So, we get it.
I kind of took it easy.
I'll have your second most expensive wine, please.
I want the first as well, but I will also take the second.
And two buckets of beers for the boys.
Get some of this to go.
Heist my knuckles down.
So, he executed everything relatively personally.
What kind of joint?
What kind of food are we talking?
I don't know.
Italian?
No.
They had pastas, burger, like good bar food.
Like, good bar.
Like, proper good bar food.
Okay.
It was one of those things where he's like, you want to do appetizers?
I go, yeah, we were thinking.
What are we, fucking assholes?
I was like, I was looking at this.
The first thing you do is insult me?
He goes, I got you.
So, I was like, all right, let's see.
Oh, really?
Kind of.
So, he brings out smaller plates, but of multiple things.
What are we talking?
Talking some grilled octopus.
Octopus, which, I'm not an octopus guy.
This shit would blow your dick.
I'm a huge octopus guy.
I'm just not doing it anymore.
Uh-huh.
They're too smart.
I've seen those tentacles there, big fella.
They're too smart.
Are they?
Yeah.
Why?
That documentary?
I don't know.
They got through a hole.
The guy, fucking, what are you doing?
I just feel bad.
You know what else is smart?
Cows, chickens, turkeys, gobble, cliff bars.
But that is a pretty smart, I hear.
You don't got a problem fucking killing them by the bar.
I'll eat squid all day.
They're the same thing.
Nah.
Can't do an octopus anymore.
But go ahead.
You do your thing.
You would have done this octopus.
I'm telling you.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, I mean, if it was on the table.
How about I want to, we won't go back then.
He was already murdered.
Famous people go to this place, too.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
See anybody?
I saw my reflection in a meme.
No, he said actors, a bunch of actors and stuff come in.
Okay.
Up there by Broadway.
So it's a real small, small joint, too.
I understand.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So he comes, he drops the apps.
Apps are good.
Some spinach artichoke dip.
Some bop-a-da-be-bop.
Well, you know, a couple of two-tree things.
Drinks are coming.
Got the beers coming.
They make me a cocktail, as well.
You had a beer and a cocktail?
I had a beer, and then they were talking about this cocktail.
Can I say this?
I'm listening.
This might be a symptom of alcoholism, but I don't mind multiple drinks, a
cocktail and
a beer, just having an IPA as a backup.
Yeah, no, I don't like doing that.
I pick my lane, and I stay in my lane.
You, on the other hand, are what we call in the business a booze bae.
I'm all over the road.
Yeah.
Did you go out to dinner with us, guys?
I'll take a red wine, an IPA.
I do do that.
I do do that.
I'll take a vodka dirty, whatever.
I do do that.
Like, when we were at Galley's, we started out with an IPA at the bar.
I stayed IPAs.
You stayed IPAs?
I'm a gentleman.
Well, if I would have got to the table directly when I walked in, I would have
ordered my cocktail,
but I was hemmed up.
What are you going to do?
I made that reservation again.
You did?
Yeah.
It's under your name.
You've never done anything.
What are you talking about?
I walk around the corner, I get your Red Bull, you complain that it's warm.
I'll make it.
That's life with you.
I'll make it next time, see if we get a little bit different treatment.
We'll walk into the-
Gallagher's in Milwaukee or something.
You're going to do the wrong location.
We'll walk into the-
Through the kitchen.
Yeah, because we have to-
Yeah, we had two shifts.
We're closing that night.
What are you talking about?
No.
Yeah, I did a beer, then the dirty martini, glass of red wine.
Dirty underwear.
I brought those myself.
And then an espresso martini, because we were going out.
You're all over the road.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
Watch out for this.
You're the only guy I know that does that.
Maybe, like, I don't know.
I feel like some of the Europeans, when I go out with my wife's family, I feel
they'll
do that.
You sum the star, they'll change it up, glass of wine with the meal.
Sure.
Then, like, a fucking, you know, something, something, whatever.
Right, right, right.
But you are no European.
No, I am not.
So, then we do everything.
Everything's good.
You want the dessert.
And now we got to get out of there.
We're going to-
Kinky Boots.
We're going to a show.
You got friends on Broadway.
There are other friends in Kinky Boots.
Look at you.
She's a social butterfly, that one.
Look at you.
Not me.
No.
No.
I'd be under the bed if it was possible.
With Hans, that's where he came.
You brought a sandwich.
I'm fine, thank you.
So, now we're, like, running.
It's getting kind of time where we got to fucking skedaddle, right?
And there's no, like, I don't know how to ask for the, I think asking for the
check would
be, like, over the, you know, I didn't, I didn't know how to broach this
subject.
This is what the question-
We got to go.
This free or what?
Yeah.
Am I paying for this or can I fucking go?
Yeah.
You need anything for this?
What's the deal?
So, you didn't, this is the question you're proposing.
But there's also good conversation, but my anxiety's running of, like, all
right, man,
we got, you know, 20 minutes to get there.
It's 12 minutes.
What, like, I'm like, I'm not, everybody's hanging out having a good time and I'm,
Kippy's
being crazy.
A little cray cray.
We got to get out of here.
I got to get out of here.
We didn't need to, I mean, yeah, whatever.
So.
I always got to get out of there.
No matter what.
People are fucking, they're always coming, man.
I don't know what, I don't know what the next thing is, but let's get out there.
Let's get outside, figure it out.
Get a heater, get my fucking head on straight.
Check my fucking six, will you?
Yeah, I'm always ready to go.
So, we, so I go, I think, oh shit, I think, I like, oh shit.
Yeah, I got to get out of here, right?
It's 640, whatever.
So, then he goes, I just, I fucked up.
I should have had cash.
He goes, this is on me.
He goes, it's all, all, all clear.
So, in my head.
Did you do the, no, don't do that.
Come on, that's crazy.
Just give him a little pushback.
I don't even think so.
Really?
Yeah.
I said, are these free?
He's walking with some fucking lemon slices and shit.
You put these in a bag.
Grab one of the waitresses.
Let's go, honey.
She's with me.
That's bad.
You got to give a little pushback.
If you're asking the advice of counsel.
No, he's been inviting us for a long, I understand, but he's been inviting us
for a long time.
I was just, I think I might have, not hard, oh, really, you didn't have to,
thank you, I appreciate it.
But it's also like, we've been in that where it's like the fake hymn and all,
and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, just, hey, thank you.
You're doing a nice gesture.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
But now it's time for you to do your nice gesture.
And now it's time for me to do my nice gesture.
But so.
And you ain't got it.
So my wife goes.
I'll be like octopus.
Last time, my wife was there.
She's like, oh, he charged us like half.
And then like, we tipped it.
Well, she gave a discount.
He goes, this is on me.
So, but like, doesn't even present me a bill.
So I got nothing.
So I got no, like, I'm flying mega blind here and I got no cage.
Let's say the dinner was 150 bucks.
So he goes, do you want, I go, shit.
I was like, oh, I don't have any cash on me.
He goes, so he charged me.
He goes, if you want to leave, don't leave anything to me.
He's like, if you want to leave something to the guys, of course.
You have to.
Yeah, no shit.
All right.
Easy does it.
Easy does it.
Do you think there's a world where I did it?
I don't know.
You're looking at yourself in the mirror.
You're eating octopus.
I don't know who you are.
Going to Kinky Boots.
Got friends.
It's crazy.
There you go.
So he goes, all right.
So he, so my wife was like, so then he walks away and I'm like telling my wife,
I'm like,
hey, this is like the Super Bowl for me to figure out.
Like, I don't know what this has cost in the whole nine yards.
I just want to make sure I do the right thing.
You know what I mean?
So she goes, he gave us an itemized breakdown and just did like a, like a
discount.
Like if it was like a hundred bucks, he charged us 90 or whatever.
You know what I mean?
Okay.
Doesn't do that.
I just get a bill for $1.09.
He just charged like a dollar so I could dip.
So I'm still flying blind.
What's 50% of $1.38?
What's 12% of, uh, so I don't know anything, right?
Uh-huh.
I don't know.
I got to figure I probably, I think I had two beers.
And a cocktail.
You had two beers and a cocktail.
How many appetizers?
But the cocktail was on them.
They were talking about it.
I was like, oh, that sounds cool.
And they're like, oh, we'll make you one.
It was that.
It was like, you know, because we're at the bar.
Okay.
Two beers.
Two beers.
I would assume the thing would be on the cuff.
But throw it, I mean, it's probably pretty expensive.
I'm throwing it in there.
Now, how many appetizers?
There were small plates.
There were smaller plates.
They don't call them appetizers.
They call them small plates or shareables.
Two smaller plates.
Two.
One for each.
We could do the math, actually.
I could pull up the menu.
We could do the math.
You want to do that?
Oh, very good.
Well, don't tell me because I'm doing it.
Okay.
I'm doing it a little bit.
All right.
So, I'm going to say the two small plates were that.
You each got an entree?
Yes.
What's the bird drinking?
One of her mocktails?
She's doing a mocktail.
But, again, it was more like, hey, do you have something you can whip up for
her?
Because we had a liaison.
But charge one mocktail.
Pull one mocktail.
They might not have put those in.
I'm going to say, okay.
Well, what was the entree?
Was there meat involved?
She did fish.
I did a burg.
Did a burger?
They're known for their burgers.
Uh-huh.
It's like the...
Branzino.
Whole fish or filet?
Filet.
With sides?
Some sort of puree, it looked like.
Came with it?
Yeah.
On the plate?
On the plate.
Not sides separate?
No, on the plate.
And then the dessert?
What are we looking at?
Nothing for diz.
You said there was des