Name: Adult Vacations w/ Kippy & Foley
Uploaded: 2023-03-17T21:00:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Adult Vacations w/ Kippy & Foley' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Adult Vacations w/ Kippy & Foley' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-17. Transcript available.

Are you garbage?
Kippy, how the hell are you?
I'm good, buddy.
Thanks for asking, and thanks for having me on this wonderful program.
Me, I'm good myself.
Thank you for asking.
Sure.
My nose is still sore.
Uh-huh.
Still jammed up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's healing, though.
It's healing.
It's good.
We're putting that behind us.
Trying to put that behind us.
Fast foot forward.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Trying to keep my weird...
Trying to keep your weird lesions to yourself.
I'm pretty sure it's slowly working its way across the table, Timmy.
Jesus Christ.
Oh, man, how mad would you be?
Welcome to our new segment, Are You a Leopard?
If I gave you a ringworm or impentaga, how mad would you be?
Don't even...
I mean, dude, I left you the other day, and my nose was itching the whole ride
home.
I was just like, man, this fucking guy gave me whatever he has.
I know it.
Nose cooties.
Uh-huh.
I got a bone to pick with that sleep apnea company.
It's ridiculous.
I didn't know that you had to have water in there.
What?
You don't have to have water in there.
Okay.
I'm not sure you know what's going on with any of it, to be honest with you.
I mean, that's what it seems.
That you don't know.
No, it was from my mask.
Sure.
You would think you would read the manual for your life support system.
Ah, let's wing it.
I got these extra parts laying around.
I've been using root beer.
This is crazy.
Anywho, that's neither here nor there.
Yeah.
I apologize to the fans for my extra grossness this week.
No, stop it.
Thank you.
Oh.
Um, I got the Valentine's Day coming up.
Valentine's Day is coming up and me and you are in a weird, uh, a first time
situation
where we're going on separate vacations.
Wait, that's weird.
We don't go on vacations together.
We're going on vacations at the same time.
At the same time.
Yeah.
Two separate.
That's never happened where we both have done that.
But that'd be weird if we both were going on vacation to the same place.
No, I would ignore you for sure.
I'd have to have my room changed.
Can I change my table?
It would be like forgetting H. Foley.
Um, yeah.
So, this is my first, uh, kind of adult vacation where...
Uh-huh.
And I've realized...
Where are you going?
Hedonism?
The ripping and the tearing.
Uh, I've realized as I prepare for this, I was supposed to go a couple of weeks
ago,
but had a shifter around.
Uh, going to Puerto Rico.
Puerto Rico!
I'm not...
Uh, my vacations have always been the shore.
Jersey shore.
That's it.
You take a bathing suit, maybe a pair of basketball shorts.
You do a European romp, though.
Yeah, I have.
We've got weddings, family, shit like that.
Yeah, but that's typically, like, we're in Frankfurt, you know, I, you know,
for sure.
This is the first time I'm doing it, like, as...
Just chilling.
Just going on a vacation.
That's always like, hey, we have to go here for, oh, you know, her friend's
wedding,
her brother's wedding, you know, something, something.
There's an obligation.
Yeah.
Which is not...
I got an obligation where I'm going.
Not necessarily, not how I would...
I didn't enjoy myself, but it's like, you had to be at a certain place at a
certain
time doing a certain thing.
Sure.
I got a little bit of that, obviously.
Yeah.
You got fam.
I got fam.
I got the wedding, all that kind of stuff.
Yeah.
You're also both going to places that feel foreign, but still use American
currency.
I know.
That's what I'm not...
I don't know the whole passport thing.
I'm bringing mine just in case.
Just in case I get jammed up at the border.
I pay my goddamn taxes.
It's a border.
It's an island, idiot.
I'm bringing paper towels.
Straighten myself out.
Yeah.
I realized...
I was like, all right, cool.
We booked it.
And then I was like, oh, I don't have anything for a beach.
You got no cabana wear.
I got no cabana wear.
You got no bathing?
You don't have a bathing suit?
I do, but it's like a shitty one that I...
Last year's fashion?
No, it's a shitty one I bought at a hotel to go into the hotel pool that I've
never washed
that I think I put in a plastic bag and left in my suitcase for about two,
three months,
and now it's got black mold on it.
Are you trying to go like official Caribbean?
You're going to wear like a Guayavera and stuff like that?
Guayavera?
Yeah.
You better clean it up.
The Cuban shirt.
I don't think so.
That's a little too much down there looking like Vin Diesel.
I realized I don't have a nice bathing suit.
Dude, I don't have flip-flops.
You got flip-flops?
I don't do flip-flops anymore.
They make my ankles swell up.
Flip-flops?
Yeah.
The loosest shoe in the world?
I don't know what it is, man.
It's that fucking toe.
Well, you can get the bar ones.
The, like the Adidas.
The slides, as the kids call them.
New guy Luke set you up with a nice pair of slides.
They don't fit my feet right.
It's weird.
But they're Velcro.
You set them exactly how you want them.
I might get a new pair of Crocs because the ones I have are prescription that I
got from
my dad.
I inherited them from my father.
Wait.
And it's a state sale.
You're wearing your dad's prescription Crocs?
Yeah.
Whoa.
They're my comfy shoes.
If I don't have spots, I wear them in here.
Slide them off.
Or if I'm going to try on pants.
Because it's a pain in the ass to get my shoes back on.
Sure.
I don't want to embarrass myself in a DXL.
That's tough to do, I hear.
In front of the other fatties.
I have to flatline for a couple of minutes.
Okay.
But what's your gear?
Your day-to-day gear ain't great.
So your beach wear can't be nice.
I'm coming to the end of my gear cycle right now.
I need to re-up on gear.
Dude, you needed to re-up on gear about four years ago.
And what you're supposed to do is you're supposed to wait a little longer and
then make a move.
Who says that?
It was the fourth quarter.
You got to wait until the first of the year.
What?
Gather up my...
How's your beach wear?
How's your cabana wear?
Look, because I went out.
I got two new bathing suits.
Amazon Basics.
Okay.
11 bucks a clip.
Nice.
I got black and dark gray so I can pee in them and no one knows.
Sometimes the color fades on them and you get real jammed up.
You walk out and they're purple or something.
Yikes.
These colors don't run.
I can't get caught peeing in the pool.
I don't got jack shit, man.
Really?
I got to do all that stuff.
Huh?
Yeah.
I got plenty of socks and fresh underwear.
That's all I got.
That's, I mean, that's standard.
You're an adult.
I'm good.
I got undies.
I'm going to pick up...
You got to pick up...
You're going for like two weeks.
I'm going to do a...
You got to have two, three-paired trunks.
You can't be the same guy wearing...
Putting on a wet bathing suit.
I'm going to do a little shopping when I get over there.
Oh.
Because they favor the big boys over there in the islands.
Trash of all trash moves.
Shopping on vacation?
Shopping on...
Don't wear the stuff.
Shopping on vacation is rich guys.
Oh, we're going to go...
I'm going straight from the airport to a Walmart.
Yeah, you're not going to Cartier or whatever.
That's not hitting the Gucci store.
You're not calling them down and shutting down Versace.
No.
I'm going to hit a Walmart.
I'm going to get a couple bathing suits.
I got to go to the big and tall store over there.
I got to get a nice Hawaiian for the wedding.
That's true.
Why don't you do that here?
I mean, a Hawaiian, I'll do that there, but like...
Not at a wedding.
Hawaiian shirt at a wedding?
It is Hawaiian.
Dumbass, it's Hawaii.
It's not Cleveland.
I'll give it to them.
That's the one time you do wear a Hawaiian shirt.
That's where you're flats.
Fucking get a nice fucking Hawaiian with a nice pair of slacks and a nice pair
of summer shoes.
And my dad's Crocs.
I'll get a little color before the wedding.
Maybe pull a little jewelry on.
Get a, you know...
Let them see my jewelry.
Put the watch on.
Slick the hair back.
Trim up the beard a little bit.
Sure, but don't go shopping for like normal clothes out there.
That's a tough look.
You're a little better than that.
Come on.
You're not.
I'm trying to get you better than that.
I mean, dude, you can't go to Hawaii and hit a Walmart.
Why not?
That's just something you do here.
No.
I'm sick of everything here.
I like something different over there.
It's a Walmart.
But it's more summery.
It's summer over there.
I don't want to buy summer clothes in the winter here when I can buy summer
clothes in the summer there.
Does that make sense?
I think it's you just trying to get out of doing stuff, I think.
There's an element of convenience, yeah.
Okay.
Plus, I've hit the ceiling.
But like, I would be...
I've hit the ceiling on the sizes on my Target pants.
Sure.
And I don't know what DXL...
I got to go to DXL tomorrow.
Get some gear.
Yeah, do that.
See what they got.
I think it's a bad look if you roll up to all your in-laws.
Hey, I got to go buy underwear.
I'll be right back.
I didn't bring a luggage.
I'm wearing a robe.
Yeah, don't do that.
Show up prepared to go.
That's the adult thing.
I'll have clothes on.
You just said you had underwear and socks.
I have a couple pairs of pants.
I'll be all right.
Yeah.
Don't do shopping.
But bathing suits.
I got to get a nice bathing suit.
You got to get a couple.
You're over there for a long time.
You got to look.
You got to look.
You're a man of stature now.
I'm going to do a couple of nice button-down Hawaiians.
Okay.
You know, where to the beach.
I don't know how much beach frolic I'm going to do.
Why?
You're in Hawaii.
Who goes to Hawaii and doesn't want to go on the beach?
Man, you are a different kind of weird.
I swear to God.
I don't get you.
If I get some color real quick, I'll let it hang out.
Plus, I'm over the belly now.
What do you mean?
I'm over the belly bathing suit now.
I go over the belly now.
You tuck in.
Tuck it in.
Tuck the flaps in.
Like a big dress shirt, that thing goes in.
Looking like a hockey goalie.
I have it connected to my socks.
Okay.
All right.
I need a 52 waist with a five-inch inseam.
Jesus.
I got to pick up some fresh gear, do a little shopping.
Cool.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm going to get it nice.
Okay, good.
You got anything romantic planned?
It's going to be Valentine's Day.
No.
I'll be on a plane so I get away with it.
Pretend like I'm sleeping.
Slept all through Valentine's Day, babe.
Sorry, I got drunk on IPAs.
See you on President's Day, honey.
We'll actually be here for Valentine's Day.
I got nothing planned, but the bird's big on, like,
doesn't have to be something.
We can go out the day before, the day after.
Sure.
I think last year we did, like, a day or two before.
Because my anniversary, shit, what day is it?
Yikes.
My anniversary is next week.
Really?
It's before Valentine's Day.
Yeah.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
It's nice.
What are you going to get her?
Buddy, I just realized it was our anniversary.
That's, man.
You really just fall into, like, the stereotypical old guy
as you get married.
Let's see what free sponsor stuff we got.
Look what IV she loves, I hear.
Said you were dehydrated.
What an all-time jam-up if you just try to pull on Kippy.
You just remember it, and then you try to get him
to publicly admit what he's going to get.
Walk him down.
Trip to fucking Puerto Rico.
How about that?
That's what I say.
Yeah, I'm going to Puerto Rico for that.
I heard you were getting her a diamond necklace.
That's what I heard.
No, that's not.
You got the wrong newsletter.
She don't like jewelry, and everything I pick out,
she returns.
I'm an idiot.
I mean, a Mercedes-Benz.
That's a nice gift.
It's a good thing she's not a fan of the program.
Did your mom get you Valentine's Day stuff
when you were a kid?