Name: Used Cars Will Make you a Man! w/ Kippy & Foley
Uploaded: 2023-04-21T21:51:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Used Cars Will Make you a Man! w/ Kippy & Foley' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Used Cars Will Make you a Man! w/ Kippy & Foley' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-21. Transcript available.

Are you garbage?
Patty puts things together.
Patty doesn't just call a general contractor and say,
hey, I want this done, okay?
She's got the parts.
She's got the this.
She's got the that.
She's got the nails.
Then they come in and pieces.
You do the work.
I'll get the stuff.
Yeah.
She likes to do her Home Depot runs and all that shit.
She's in there smoking in the plumbing section.
I need a new flush valve.
Man, God love her.
Screaming at someone.
I remember her.
She was a junkyard dog for a while.
She really was, man.
She's a nice lady.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Coming off the top rope.
Sure.
She would go and hawk items.
She'd get a new taillight or whatever.
Yeah, and we'd put it together.
God love her.
We'd put it together in the freezing cold in the driveway.
Sure.
With the garage light on.
I don't know where my dad was.
Fucking, I don't know, but I'd be with him.
He was trying to get away from you.
It's old.
Inside knocking back a tuner, Ogie.
Man, wild.
We did for a long time, and we've talked about it before, but used tires.
We'd go somewhere.
Big market.
Times were tough, and we had a big jacked up, souped up Dodge Ram, and the
tires on that
thing would go all the time.
It was, I popped one on the fucking Ben Franklin Bridge.
Wait, hold on.
Dodge Ram truck?
Yeah.
It's your pops?
Yeah, this is the work truck.
The piece wasn't rolling around in there.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
She was in the fucking bravado at that point.
Pulled into two lanes at the Wawa.
No, this thing was heavy bike big.
Those Dodge Ram trucks, man.
Jacked up.
Would not want to get hit by one of those puppies.
I was driving it.
I'd take a Tacoma.
The tires were all wonky.
I had to drive down to go fix like a fucking supermarket in South Jersey, and I
was crossing
back over the Ben Franklin Bridge.
I remember calling my dad.
Pickle barrel broke.
You would have jacked drunk.
You probably looked like a nun driving the church bus.
Oh, man.
I was cranking heavy heaters at the time.
I'm sure I did.
Windows barely.
Did you ever get in a work truck?
You go, this is a work truck.
It's coffee, burnings, and old paperwork.
Real good naps in there in the wintertime, man.
Put it on a little fucking AM radio.
Well, the heat never worked, or it worked too well.
That was the problem.
I like that, though.
A lot of times you had to keep the heat cooking so the engine didn't overheat.
Yeah, I like that, though.
When it's a little bit cold in the work truck, and you find warmth in your
jacket and your
stocking hat.
I don't know.
I was making a lot of snack stops at the time.
There was this Luke oil on the street road.
Hot, the soft pretzels, the fucking tall boy on our palmers, and a pack of goldfish.
I'd park over by the vacuum machine and go to town.
Some guy tried to put air in his tires.
I'd be done in a minute, dickhead.
That was my lunch, dinner, everything.
You do like your gummy bees.
I'll tell you that.
My gummy bees.
Your gummy bears.
No, I said goldfish.
Oh, okay.
But I do like a nice gummy bear.
Yeah, he had about six packs of them so far in the last 24 hours.
Yeah.
But we have to go get used tires at this place.
I don't even know.
We found it in the classifieds or something.
Dangerous.
Yeah, it was down off 95.
No, not that.
Using used tires.
I thought the place was a little seedy.
If you catch my drift.
That's one thing my dad didn't go for.
Never buy you.
You got to have fresh tires.
Yeah, but the tires for this truck were like fucking, you know, like 300 or
clip.
You got used tires.
Yeah, we were jammed up.
We were financially.
A couple of baldies on there.
Let's go.
Oh, man.
They would put them on.
You'd get about 200 miles, and then it feels like the car got hit with a rocket
launcher, dude.
This thing exploded on the Ben Franklin Bridge.
I thought we were taking enemy fire.
Bah!
Dude, fucking sparks flying the whole nine yards.
Fucking generation kill over there.
Uh-huh.
It was, yeah, but the used tires were so big.
And looking back, that is very dangerous.
It's crazy.
Because I don't think they were like, hey, this is our standard.
They were going, just fucking.
Standards?
What?
I mean, they're.
Lou says yes.
Yeah.
That's all it is.
I think there's got, there has to be some sort of rule or regulation to selling
used tires.
This place didn't have a sign or nothing.
Those things go up real easy, too.
Dude, you had to drive by a fucking, it was like a jail.
I don't know where it was.
It was like a mini jail.
And there was, I don't know, it was like a holding tank or what?
Off 95.
Hardwire.
What are they, killer whales?
No, and there was chicks there.
And it was like.
Chicks in the prison?
Yeah.
All right.
And they were running games.
They were playing ball in the yard.
Fucking.
These broads were dunking and shit.
It was a dicey scene.
You're on the other side of the fence eating your tasty cake.
What's up, ladies?
You like soft pretzels?
Tractor trailers do that shit a lot, which is nerve wracking.
Yeah.
I heard they do the retread.
They retread it with like glue.
That's why you see them.
You see them on the highway.
That shouldn't be legal.
I heard that the first time.
I'm like, no fucking way.
But that came to be the truth.
I had a blowout one time on a Long Island Expressway in a conversion van when I
was.
Things were going well a year.
Conversion van.
It was like a work van.
Isn't that what a conversion van is called?
No, a conversion van is.
When you put the captain's chairs and you hook it up?
Yeah.
The work van converted into.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Nah, this is a regular bullshit.
We borrowed my dad's buddy Sam's conversion van to drive to fucking Montreal
one time.
Man, couldn't tell me shit.
In the back.
I had like N64 cooking.
I had it all.
We got lost for about nine hours.
Dude, I had a major blowout on the Long Island Expressway one time.
Had a technician with me.
And dude, like you said, it was my crowning achievement of manhood.
Sure.
Grabbed the wheel.
Brought it over to the side.
Jumped out.
Changed the tire on 495.
Got back in.
Ooh.
Yeah.
Clean sailing.
I remember one time in that same truck, we got a fucking, I think my brother
might have
been driving or I was driving.
Turn Pennsylvania turnpike.
Boom.
Shoot.
Tires would go on his thing all the time.
Like five or six a year.
Two tree to time.
Oh, man.
Jammed up.
So we had to go to a Pep Boys because the jack in the car, it was like an aftermarket
jackup,
like suspension raised.
It was raised aftermarket.
We bought it used.
Okay.
So the jack on the car wasn't tall enough to jack up the truck.
What did it have?
22s on it?
What did you get?
A couple of spinners.
I had Lamborghini doors on this thing.
Like a goddamn 50 cent video.
I'm fucking, I'm fucking crippled.
I'm fucking ghost riding this thing down the Pensy Turnpike.
You in the office, baby.
You in the office.
Look, I didn't know you'd get wet.
What the fuck?
Car turns purple inside.
Pep Boys.
So we had to go to Pep Boys to buy a jack.
Like a race car jack.
You know what I mean?
Like the big stick one, like to jack it up.
Okay.
Because the little dinky one couldn't get the car up.
You mean like an actual, like.
Like a snap on fucking jack.
Those ain't cheap.
No.
That's why we fucking fixed the tire, packed it back up, and returned it right
after.
This thing don't work.
Bullshit.
She's like, I remember my dad was like, I'll give you 50 bucks if you can
return this thing.
And I walked in, I was like, hey, listen, it was broken, whatever.
I just gave her the runaround.
That's when I knew we were real dirt bags.
My dad was going to give me a cut of the return.
If we were able to return the expensive equipment.
This is man.
I'm out 300 right now.
I'll give you 50 if you get me 250 back.
Yeah.
Ah, Jesus.
I have another update on the cleaning lady debacle.