Name: New Money Travel Tips w/ Andrew Schulz
Uploaded: 2023-05-30T21:02:44.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'New Money Travel Tips w/ Andrew Schulz' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'New Money Travel Tips w/ Andrew Schulz' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-30. Transcript available.

Will you or the wife, when you leave a place,
like if you leave like a hotel room or like say you guys stare at like,
you know, rent, no.
Yeah, of course.
How much do you guys leave at the, like on the dresser before you leave?
Depends.
I typically have merch cash.
So I like a half cash.
A night, 10 to 20.
Per night.
Per night.
We're only, we're doing one nighter.
Like we're in and we're out for the most part.
We're not doing like weekends anywhere.
I'm a big tipper.
I almost never tip the cleaning crew.
You got to change that.
I know.
Because I recently found out they're paid per room, not hour.
They're paid per unit.
And it's like a shitty rate.
I found out.
Got to drop a 20.
Come on.
You got to grease.
Plus you're staying at nice drinks.
I found out.
I mean, I assumed that they were making six figs all these years.
These poor Latvian women walking around the hotels, knocking on the door.
All that money you got, you need a 10 for me?
Can I change a bed, please?
I get paid per room.
You guys are salaried, right?
You got full bennies.
Dude, us just going later.
And she's like, I need this money.
Yes.
I get 75 cents per room, please.
Something like that, yeah.
But what about all your stock options?
Yeah, you got to tip heavy on it.
Yeah.
Okay, yeah.
I got to get better at that.
But what I was going to say is if you guys like rent a house or something like
that,
do you ever say goodbye to places?
Like, or like, you know, if you're leaving somewhere, like, thank you, house.
No.
Never.
No.
All right.
Yeah.
But I don't mind that as a sentiment.
I like that.
Okay.
Because that means the place meant something to you.
But no, no.
Sure.
I would, actually, I would really love to find a place that, you know, like
when you
were a kid, I don't know if you guys did as a kid, but like you and your family
found
a place, the parents enjoyed it, the kids enjoyed it, and then you just went
back there.
Sure.
Oh, of course.
And you just got so much joy out of this place.
That's the Harbor House in Ocean City for a Foley family.
Boom.
Done.
Used to go there every summer.
Get to the water.
Yep.
Enjoy it.
The parents get to kind of let you off the leash a little bit.
They get to kick back.
And I hope that my wife and I find a place like that.
Well, you're trying.
I see the fucking Instagram stories.
You're fucking trying.
But I don't know.
I have this weird thing now where it's like, I kind of want to see everything,
which I don't
know if that's the best way to go through life, because if you're just skimming
the top,
you might miss.
You're not really getting like, hey, we found this place that we spend, you
know, every
week, a year at or whatever.
Yeah.
Kippy was saying that before you got here.
We were curious what, if you did move out of the city, is there any place that
would catch
your eye?
We thought about this.
I mean, probably my wife's from Santa Barbara.
So maybe like Los Angeles, because I still need to do stand up full time.
Competitively.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Also like in the city doing spots.
You know what I mean?
You can't move to like fucking Toledo or something.
Where's the last place you were?
Where's the last place you and the missus visited her?
Where did we go?
Because if you haven't seen Schultz's Instagram, the Schultz's do vacations
pretty much.
Well, we had a bougie one.
We went to-
All right.
That Arizona one?
The Amangiri.
Yeah.
It's a-
You're not tipping out there?
Everything's-
They probably don't like it.
It's all crypto, probably.
You gotta give them a Bitcoin or some shit.
These new age rich guys.
You wanna know class, bro?
You gotta leave a baby on the dresser?
Fucking class, dude.
This place, there's no money.
So there's no bill.
There's no everything.
There's no anything at all.
I think the food is all included.
And then drinks, you can pay extra for.
But they never ask for a bill.
So you don't tip.
The tip is included.
You had 4,200 a night.
I wouldn't ask for a bill either.
It's a lot.
It's a lot.
Holy shit.
Yeah, yeah.
But it's really-
It's like you're paying-
Hey, you fucking narc.
What are you doing over there?
That's wild.
Oh, I knew that price because my wife just looked it up.
Yeah, yeah.
So we could go.
And I was like, I'm not Jolte-y.
It's wild.
Fucking-
It's wild.
Let's go to Burning Man or something.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Burning Man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Couldn't afford to drive through the parking lot.
What are you talking about?
It is a wild-
Bro, we went there on Thanksgiving weekend, right?
Or Thanksgiving week.
And I didn't even look it up like an asshole.
Like, I just saw it.
My wife was showing me pictures.
I was like, oh, it looks beautiful.
I didn't realize it's on a fucking Native American reservation.
Everybody there is Native American.
So I'm there Thanksgiving.
Right?
And all these poor natives-
You guys got any plans for the holidays?
Bro, literally.
Fucking bozo.
You can hang out with your family if I had any.
Yeah.
Walking around with a big turkey leg.
If they were around.
Jesus.
Literally, I got the saddest Happy Thanksgiving ever from a Native person that
was driving us
to the airport.
Jesus Christ.
But no, that place was insane.
I want to spit in your food.
Are you kidding me?
But no bill ever.
They just ask you your room number.
And then they put it on and the tip is applied.
Because, yeah.
Because this, rich people don't ever want to, they don't want to do this.
Why are you giving me papers?
Yeah.
Why are you giving me receipts?
I just did-
What is all this?
Chelsea gives him a fake room number.
Yeah, yeah.
100%.
We're at 28B.
100%.
I'm on the ninth floor.
B.
28B.
Sir, we don't have Bs and Cs over here.
It's right next to A.
You'll figure it out.
More Mai Tais, please.
I just did something in Puerto Rico.
It was the same thing.
It was a high-end luxury hotel.
Where'd you stay?
The Vanderbilt.
Yeah.
And it was the same thing you have to sign, which is fine.
But my whole thing is like, just run it.
No sign.
No sign.
I know.
But the thing I was getting mad about, I'd go up to the bar at the pool and get
a Corona.
They'd print me two receipts.
I got a sign, my room, the name.
I go, just run it.
I'll figure it out later.
Put it into the room.
Just go.
Put it all there.
This guy came back upside down in brunch.
Yeah, I got jammed up at a fucking, at a, what was it?
At like a chef's tasting thing.
They got jammed.
It was really way more expensive.
And it's so lost on me.
I'm a dirt bag.
I have a horrible, I like chicken tenders.
That's my kind of thing.
I always say, let's do it.
So I got the wine pairing.
I got fucking jammed up and I hated the food.
A little sticker shock.
Dude, the wine pairing, you're in it.
A little sticker shock for Kippy.
What was it?
$1,200, I think.
For two of us, neither one of us liked it.
Yeah, it was a lot.
The wine at least?
It's lost on me.
Yeah.
Yeah, give me a fucking, I'm a shot in a beer guy.
Also, you're in Puerto Rico.
It's not like they have a rich wine culture.
Yeah, no.
Yeah, exactly.
It wasn't like we were in France or something.
You need some rum.
Dude, my wife got the mocktail package.
A little coquito.
Yeah.
Straighten it out.
Wait a minute, she paid for, does she not drink?
She doesn't drink.
Okay.
But they had like a mocktail pairing.
Yeah.
And that was $100.
Oh, dude, that, what a racket that is.
The mocktail pairing?
That was like a fucking pineapple juice, lady.
The mocktail racket?
Wow.
Yeah, 100 bucks on that.
I said, take a snapple.
Fucking, we're out of here.
Wow, that's next level.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She's German, right?
German.
You're right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was having a dinner with a guy, a German dude, the other day.
They're unique people.
Well, I actually really enjoy Germans because you can be very direct and honest.
Oh, they don't, there's no beating around the bush.
You find out where you, dude, this is how ruthless, my wife calls me a
successful podcaster
and not comedian.
I'm like, you fucking bitch.
She's like, yeah, well, you're a podcaster.
I'm like, I'll fucking fight you right now, lady.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now, I got to ask from the everyman's perspective, who was this guy?
I can't even tell who the hell you're hanging out with these days.
Who, the German guy?
Yeah, you're hanging out with like race car drivers and financiers.
He's a, yeah, yeah, yeah, he's a.
Swiss bank account.
Yeah, he's a guy who, he works for a company that we might, you know, do some
business with,
right?
That's real vague rich guy shit.
All right.
No, but he's, I'm saving him.
They weren't in an Arby's.
He had a funny thing because I was, you know, he brought up the school
shootings in America
and I was like, yo, what do you guys think about that?
Like from Germany, like the school shooting thing.
And he had an interesting idea on it that I'm curious about your wife's
perspective.
And he goes, he goes, yeah, I mean, it is so weird for us.
This is so strange.
Like, why do you guys do this?
But then again, you know, we have the Autobahn.
I go, what do you mean?
And the Autobahn is their like highway system and you can drive as fast as you
want on the
Autobahn.
And every year there are senseless deaths from people driving too fast on the
Autobahn.
And every year the government tries to go, well, maybe we should just make some
restrictions
so not everybody can drive so fast on the Autobahn.
And then Germans go, it is my right to drive fast as fast as I want.
You will not take it away from me.
Like they have the exact same gun rights thing.
You can't take my speed, baby.
Exactly.
I can't even kill Jules anymore.
You're going to take away my speed?
You will take my driving gloves from my cold dead hands.
So I thought it was interesting.
I never thought about it that way.
But guaranteed every culture, every country has this thing that they identify
with that
makes no sense and causes senseless deaths, but they refuse to relinquish it
because they
think it's an attack on their identity.
That makes sense, of course.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm trying to figure what the other ones would be.
I never thought of that.
Like Italians with the spaghetti.
It's enough already.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Hold on.
Speaking of travel, this was a hot button debate on the pod.
Hot button.
You're on a plane.
You put the seat back on the plane.
Immediately.
Immediately.
The second I sit down, the seat is back.
Okay.
They don't make you put it up on takeoff?
In firsts, sometimes.
That's another thing that happened.
Like, I'm flying first.
Yeah, we don't go back.
We can't go back anymore.
It's hard to go back.
For business.
Personally, I'm going to go back.
It's hard to go back.
But yeah, I just go back immediately.
You say anything?
With no concern.
The only time I didn't do it is when 50 Cent was sitting behind me, and I had
so much
respect for-
What plane is this?
I thought Tony Ayo was going to come clip you real quick.
Tony was in coach.
I love you, Tony.
Man, this guy.
50 was behind me, and I have so much respect for 50.
Shout out to him.
I didn't drop the seat back at all.
Did he go back?
Do you know?
Of course.
That's 50 Cent, bro.
He's a big guy.
He needs his room.
And also, who's going to tell him to move his fucking seat up?
Damn.
But yeah, I didn't go back at all.
That's how much respect I have for 50, bro.
Do you know him at all?
No.
I mean, we-
Engaged there?
Yeah, we said hello and everything like that, and he gave me a look as if maybe
he knew
me, but like, you know, 50 is the-
White boy crazy.
50 has fucking straddled being famous, making things in Hollywood, and saying
whatever the
fuck he wants on social media.
And just blatantly talk about shooting people at the same time.
Yeah, like, any joke he can make, nobody says a single thing about it.
Like, it's almost as if he has dirt on every single important person in the
music business
and Hollywood and politics, because there's nothing he can't say, and he has to
apologize
for nothing.
So it's like, he's the dream.
I'm like, this guy figured it out.
Yeah, shout out to 5th, huh?
Yeah, 50's a legend.
Damn.
You taking your shoes off on a plane?
If it's like, if I'm wearing the New Balance 550s, they pinch my bunion, and I'll
take
them shits off immediately.
How old are you, 80?
I'm fucking it.
My New Balance is pinch my bunion.
My New Balance 550s?
What's the 550?
Is the 550 the...
It's the shoe that got really popular, like, kind of replaced like a, like,
almost like
a Nike dunk.
Okay.
Maybe too popular.
Right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Too popular.
I got you.
And, yeah, but I'll take those.
If it's uncomfortable, I'm taking the shoe off.
Absolutely.
If it's like a running sneaker that I wore for the airplane, no, I'm going to
leave it
on.
But I have no qualms about taking a shoe off.
And walking to the bathroom and taking a piss.
Sans shoes.
With socks.
Stepping in the piss droplet sometimes with the socks.
Kids knew my trash, dude.
Yeah.
Did you ever masturbate on a plane?
Bye.

New Money Travel Tips w/ Andrew Schulz

Will you or the wife, when you leave a place,
like if you leave like a hotel room or like say you guys stare at like,
you know, rent, no.
Yeah, of course.
How much do you guys leave at the, like on the dresser before you leave?
Depends.
I typically have merch cash.
So I like a half cash.
A night, 10 to 20.
Per night.
Per night.
We're only, we're doing one nighter.
Like we're in and we're out for the most part.
We're not doing like weekends anywhere.
I'm a big tipper.
I almost never tip the cleaning crew.
You got to change that.
I know.
Because I recently found out they're paid per room, not hour.
They're paid per unit.
And it's like a shitty rate.
I found out.
Got to drop a 20.
Come on.
You got to grease.
Plus you're staying at nice drinks.
I found out.
I mean, I assumed that they were making six figs all these years.
These poor Latvian women walking around the hotels, knocking on the door.
All that money you got, you need a 10 for me?
Can I change a bed, please?
I get paid per room.
You guys are salaried, right?
You got full bennies.
Dude, us just going later.
And she's like, I need this money.
Yes.
I get 75 cents per room, please.
Something like that, yeah.
But what about all your stock options?
Yeah, you got to tip heavy on it.
Yeah.
Okay, yeah.
I got to get better at that.
But what I was going to say is if you guys like rent a house or something like
that,
do you ever say goodbye to places?
Like, or like, you know, if you're leaving somewhere, like, thank you, house.
No.
Never.
No.
All right.
Yeah.
But I don't mind that as a sentiment.
I like that.
Okay.
Because that means the place meant something to you.
But no, no.
Sure.
I would, actually, I would really love to find a place that, you know, like
when you
were a kid, I don't know if you guys did as a kid, but like you and your family
found
a place, the parents enjoyed it, the kids enjoyed it, and then you just went
back there.
Sure.
Oh, of course.
And you just got so much joy out of this place.
That's the Harbor House in Ocean City for a Foley family.
Boom.
Done.
Used to go there every summer.
Get to the water.
Yep.
Enjoy it.
The parents get to kind of let you off the leash a little bit.
They get to kick back.
And I hope that my wife and I find a place like that.
Well, you're trying.
I see the fucking Instagram stories.
You're fucking trying.
But I don't know.
I have this weird thing now where it's like, I kind of want to see everything,
which I don't
know if that's the best way to go through life, because if you're just skimming
the top,
you might miss.
You're not really getting like, hey, we found this place that we spend, you
know, every
week, a year at or whatever.
Yeah.
Kippy was saying that before you got here.
We were curious what, if you did move out of the city, is there any place that
would catch
your eye?
We thought about this.
I mean, probably my wife's from Santa Barbara.
So maybe like Los Angeles, because I still need to do stand up full time.
Competitively.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Also like in the city doing spots.
You know what I mean?
You can't move to like fucking Toledo or something.
Where's the last place you were?
Where's the last place you and the missus visited her?
Where did we go?
Because if you haven't seen Schultz's Instagram, the Schultz's do vacations
pretty much.
Well, we had a bougie one.
We went to-
All right.
That Arizona one?
The Amangiri.
Yeah.
It's a-
You're not tipping out there?
Everything's-
They probably don't like it.
It's all crypto, probably.
You gotta give them a Bitcoin or some shit.
These new age rich guys.
You wanna know class, bro?
You gotta leave a baby on the dresser?
Fucking class, dude.
This place, there's no money.
So there's no bill.
There's no everything.
There's no anything at all.
I think the food is all included.
And then drinks, you can pay extra for.
But they never ask for a bill.
So you don't tip.
The tip is included.
You had 4,200 a night.
I wouldn't ask for a bill either.
It's a lot.
It's a lot.
Holy shit.
Yeah, yeah.
But it's really-
It's like you're paying-
Hey, you fucking narc.
What are you doing over there?
That's wild.
Oh, I knew that price because my wife just looked it up.
Yeah, yeah.
So we could go.
And I was like, I'm not Jolte-y.
It's wild.
Fucking-
It's wild.
Let's go to Burning Man or something.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Burning Man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Couldn't afford to drive through the parking lot.
What are you talking about?
It is a wild-
Bro, we went there on Thanksgiving weekend, right?
Or Thanksgiving week.
And I didn't even look it up like an asshole.
Like, I just saw it.
My wife was showing me pictures.
I was like, oh, it looks beautiful.
I didn't realize it's on a fucking Native American reservation.
Everybody there is Native American.
So I'm there Thanksgiving.
Right?
And all these poor natives-
You guys got any plans for the holidays?
Bro, literally.
Fucking bozo.
You can hang out with your family if I had any.
Yeah.
Walking around with a big turkey leg.
If they were around.
Jesus.
Literally, I got the saddest Happy Thanksgiving ever from a Native person that
was driving us
to the airport.
Jesus Christ.
But no, that place was insane.
I want to spit in your food.
Are you kidding me?
But no bill ever.
They just ask you your room number.
And then they put it on and the tip is applied.
Because, yeah.
Because this, rich people don't ever want to, they don't want to do this.
Why are you giving me papers?
Yeah.
Why are you giving me receipts?
I just did-
What is all this?
Chelsea gives him a fake room number.
Yeah, yeah.
100%.
We're at 28B.
100%.
I'm on the ninth floor.
B.
28B.
Sir, we don't have Bs and Cs over here.
It's right next to A.
You'll figure it out.
More Mai Tais, please.
I just did something in Puerto Rico.
It was the same thing.
It was a high-end luxury hotel.
Where'd you stay?
The Vanderbilt.
Yeah.
And it was the same thing you have to sign, which is fine.
But my whole thing is like, just run it.
No sign.
No sign.
I know.
But the thing I was getting mad about, I'd go up to the bar at the pool and get
a Corona.
They'd print me two receipts.
I got a sign, my room, the name.
I go, just run it.
I'll figure it out later.
Put it into the room.
Just go.
Put it all there.
This guy came back upside down in brunch.
Yeah, I got jammed up at a fucking, at a, what was it?
At like a chef's tasting thing.
They got jammed.
It was really way more expensive.
And it's so lost on me.
I'm a dirt bag.
I have a horrible, I like chicken tenders.
That's my kind of thing.
I always say, let's do it.
So I got the wine pairing.
I got fucking jammed up and I hated the food.
A little sticker shock.
Dude, the wine pairing, you're in it.
A little sticker shock for Kippy.
What was it?
$1,200, I think.
For two of us, neither one of us liked it.
Yeah, it was a lot.
The wine at least?
It's lost on me.
Yeah.
Yeah, give me a fucking, I'm a shot in a beer guy.
Also, you're in Puerto Rico.
It's not like they have a rich wine culture.
Yeah, no.
Yeah, exactly.
It wasn't like we were in France or something.
You need some rum.
Dude, my wife got the mocktail package.
A little coquito.
Yeah.
Straighten it out.
Wait a minute, she paid for, does she not drink?
She doesn't drink.
Okay.
But they had like a mocktail pairing.
Yeah.
And that was $100.
Oh, dude, that, what a racket that is.
The mocktail pairing?
That was like a fucking pineapple juice, lady.
The mocktail racket?
Wow.
Yeah, 100 bucks on that.
I said, take a snapple.
Fucking, we're out of here.
Wow, that's next level.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She's German, right?
German.
You're right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was having a dinner with a guy, a German dude, the other day.
They're unique people.
Well, I actually really enjoy Germans because you can be very direct and honest.
Oh, they don't, there's no beating around the bush.
You find out where you, dude, this is how ruthless, my wife calls me a
successful podcaster
and not comedian.
I'm like, you fucking bitch.
She's like, yeah, well, you're a podcaster.
I'm like, I'll fucking fight you right now, lady.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now, I got to ask from the everyman's perspective, who was this guy?
I can't even tell who the hell you're hanging out with these days.
Who, the German guy?
Yeah, you're hanging out with like race car drivers and financiers.
He's a, yeah, yeah, yeah, he's a.
Swiss bank account.
Yeah, he's a guy who, he works for a company that we might, you know, do some
business with,
right?
That's real vague rich guy shit.
All right.
No, but he's, I'm saving him.
They weren't in an Arby's.
He had a funny thing because I was, you know, he brought up the school
shootings in America
and I was like, yo, what do you guys think about that?
Like from Germany, like the school shooting thing.
And he had an interesting idea on it that I'm curious about your wife's
perspective.
And he goes, he goes, yeah, I mean, it is so weird for us.
This is so strange.
Like, why do you guys do this?
But then again, you know, we have the Autobahn.
I go, what do you mean?
And the Autobahn is their like highway system and you can drive as fast as you
want on the
Autobahn.
And every year there are senseless deaths from people driving too fast on the
Autobahn.
And every year the government tries to go, well, maybe we should just make some
restrictions
so not everybody can drive so fast on the Autobahn.
And then Germans go, it is my right to drive fast as fast as I want.
You will not take it away from me.
Like they have the exact same gun rights thing.
You can't take my speed, baby.
Exactly.
I can't even kill Jules anymore.
You're going to take away my speed?
You will take my driving gloves from my cold dead hands.
So I thought it was interesting.
I never thought about it that way.
But guaranteed every culture, every country has this thing that they identify
with that
makes no sense and causes senseless deaths, but they refuse to relinquish it
because they
think it's an attack on their identity.
That makes sense, of course.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm trying to figure what the other ones would be.
I never thought of that.
Like Italians with the spaghetti.
It's enough already.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Hold on.
Speaking of travel, this was a hot button debate on the pod.
Hot button.
You're on a plane.
You put the seat back on the plane.
Immediately.
Immediately.
The second I sit down, the seat is back.
Okay.
They don't make you put it up on takeoff?
In firsts, sometimes.
That's another thing that happened.
Like, I'm flying first.
Yeah, we don't go back.
We can't go back anymore.
It's hard to go back.
For business.
Personally, I'm going to go back.
It's hard to go back.
But yeah, I just go back immediately.
You say anything?
With no concern.
The only time I didn't do it is when 50 Cent was sitting behind me, and I had
so much
respect for-
What plane is this?
I thought Tony Ayo was going to come clip you real quick.
Tony was in coach.
I love you, Tony.
Man, this guy.
50 was behind me, and I have so much respect for 50.
Shout out to him.
I didn't drop the seat back at all.
Did he go back?
Do you know?
Of course.
That's 50 Cent, bro.
He's a big guy.
He needs his room.
And also, who's going to tell him to move his fucking seat up?
Damn.
But yeah, I didn't go back at all.
That's how much respect I have for 50, bro.
Do you know him at all?
No.
I mean, we-
Engaged there?
Yeah, we said hello and everything like that, and he gave me a look as if maybe
he knew
me, but like, you know, 50 is the-
White boy crazy.
50 has fucking straddled being famous, making things in Hollywood, and saying
whatever the
fuck he wants on social media.
And just blatantly talk about shooting people at the same time.
Yeah, like, any joke he can make, nobody says a single thing about it.
Like, it's almost as if he has dirt on every single important person in the
music business
and Hollywood and politics, because there's nothing he can't say, and he has to
apologize
for nothing.
So it's like, he's the dream.
I'm like, this guy figured it out