Name: How to Handle a Shart Attack w/ Kippy & Foley
Uploaded: 2023-06-06T21:00:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'How to Handle a Shart Attack w/ Kippy & Foley' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'How to Handle a Shart Attack w/ Kippy & Foley' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-06. Transcript available.

I have something controversial to discuss.
Does it have to do with food?
It does.
Sure, of course.
Live a life worth commenting on, gang.
That's what they talk about.
Of course.
Listen, this isn't anything that I'm going to get involved in now.
So let's go into that with that understanding.
But I really missed out on this, okay?
You know, I'm trying to tighten it up.
I'm eating right, all that kind of stuff.
But there's options to this.
It wouldn't be that bad.
But it's the big thing that's going around now.
Everybody's doing it.
Everyone's talking about it.
Everyone's talking about it.
They're taking sandwiches, all right?
They're taking, like, turkey, ham, lettuce, tomato, pickles, onions, all that
stuff.
They're throwing some mayo or some mustard or however you want to do it.
And they're chopping it up.
And they're putting that inside a sandwich.
That's all I wanted my whole life.
You could have done that.
I know.
I can't believe I never thought of it.
What's the best part of anything?
The end.
When you get down to the salad and everything's all mixed in together, all that
lettuce is gone, and it's all the stuff all just chopped up and delicious, and
it's been mixed together.
It's already chewed is what you're looking for.
Somebody cut out the middle man and chew it for you.
Hey, I can't be doing all this biting and chewing around here.
I got to get this in my gullet stack.
Did someone chew it up?
Pre-chewed Sammies.
But I'm big on the flavor combinations of everything.
It's about to really blow up.
It's about to be the next chopped cheese.
And I know that's-
Did you read that fat guy quarterly?
What are you talking about?
You guys have no idea what I'm talking about?
I have no idea what you're talking about.
I feel like I've mentioned it to you months ago when it was still in the
underground.
When it was still sizzling after the demo tape dropped, I started hearing buzz
in the streets, and Overeaters Anonymous, we got into it.
I'm not going to lie to you.
I'm still thinking about bombing in the intro.
Don't worry about it.
You bomb plenty.
I mean, this is a kooky one.
I don't know what you're talking about.
It's hot as shit in here, by the way.
And if we're being honest, I sharted in the bathroom earlier, and I threw my
underpants in the garbage.
Did you really?
Whoa.
It's a real tell-all episode right here.
That's what I'm talking about.
I can't do it.
It was like the tell-tale heart.
I can smell it from here.
You're free-balling over there?
Sure am.
Wow.
Yeah.
It was a-
You sharted in the bathroom.
This is a wild day we're in.
You sharted in the bathroom.
I haven't sharted in a very long time.
Two, three weeks.
It's good for you.
Man, but when that happens, and you're-
Luckily-
You clean yourself up in there?
Nah, I just figured it out when I get-
Yeah, I clean myself up in there.
Dirty little bird.
Get in and clean yourself up.
Ryan's going to have to repaint in there.
I-
That's just-
When that happens, the panic that sets in, and I'm not-
You know, I'm not one-
I'm not big on potty humor, you know what I mean?
Of course.
It's a classy program.
But there's a certain set of panic that sets in when that happens.
When you're out, not at your house.
And luckily, I'm in my-
I'm in my aunt's house right now, so it's okay.
You know what I mean?
I gotta say this.
I've grown out of that.
I've moved past it.
What?
I'm steady as a cucumber.
Calm.
Yeah, well, what happened was-
It hasn't happened in years, but I had a smoothie this morning, and that-
I mean, the fucking spinach must have been bad or something.
Mixed in with that hot honey chicken bowl I just had.
That thing was in the easy pass lane.
Yeah, dude.
You can't fucking zig and zag like that.
You gotta pick a lane for a day.
Your body don't know what's going on.
I'm upside down in a pair of underwear over here.
This guy's doing pretty-
What the fuck?
And you drop that in there.
This guy.
You can't mix that.
I didn't have a choice.
I'm a single father.
What do you want from-
I'm working hard over here.
Yeah, I don't know, man.
I am what I am.
I'm an open book.
Have at it.
Don't act like I'm the only guy who's ever had an accident.
No, that happened to me this weekend.
Don't be silly.
You just said you're steady.
No, it doesn't bother me.
Oh, I thought you meant you're in such control of your body that it doesn't
have-
No, no control.
No, he said that he shits himself and doesn't break stride.
Yeah, you're like Leo in The Departed.
My hand does-
That's what I'm saying.
I can sit with full-blown poopers.
It doesn't matter.
I handle the situation.
What do you do?
I play it real cool.
Well, physically, I have a little bit more protection, let's say.
It doesn't always reach the fabric.
No.
No, the volcano doesn't always rise to the crust.
I mean, what are we doing here?
We're going to start reading some poetry or something.
We got to class this up a little bit.
Oh, yeah.
Sure.
She's got a fucking dumper on you.
Got the shamrock shake back there, baby.
Two pressed hams in that set of sheets you got.
By the way, I just had to throw out a $50 pair of underwear.
I ain't happy about that.
Well, it's like you're cleaning up a murder scene, dude.
You're inspecting everything.
I got bleach out.
Sure.
Because you don't want to get caught.
No, it doesn't matter.
But you're going-
If it happens at work or something-
I happened to work one time when I was bagging groceries at Acme.
That's not something you can be like, hey, I got to go home.
I shit myself.
No, it happened to me one time when I was driving and I wore scrubs
because we delivered medical equipment to doctor's offices.
You were a drug dealer.
I swear to God, I'm a doctor.
I'm a doctor.
I used to be an anesthesiologist.
And yeah, that's a bad situation.
Dude, if it gets through the jeans-
It didn't even reach.
You got to move home.
Oh, yeah.
You got to pack it up.
That's over.
You got to pack it up and go home.
No, I didn't even-
Yeah, it was fine.
I'm more impressed that you're free-balling it right now.
I mean, it's not like I didn't have an option.
At the new studio, I would like to have a set of fresh gear
in case that ever happens.
I keep pairs stashed around the city.
What are you talking about?
Like, luckily, I don't have a spot.
If I had spots on it and had to go free-ball it or something-
Dude, I'm telling you, I never wore underwear.
When I was, like, attractive, I never wore underwear.
When was that?
College.
Two weeks in college.
I'm kidding.
Of course.
But I was thin.
I never wore underwear.
Yeah, you should.
At this age-
Yeah, college, I didn't wear underwear either.
Really?
I didn't wear pants.
I was hanging brain.
But, yeah, I didn't wear underwear that much.
No.
But as you get older-
It feels good.
Things are looser.
I feel like Burt Reynolds.
Things are loose.
Yeah, you do feel like a porn star.
I'm about to show my fucking, show my little hips off.
Get a set of low-rods.
I'm going to fold these down one roll.
Act like I'm Britney Spears out here.
These mom jeans.
Let's get some hip huggers.
Yeah, no.
As you get older, especially, you know, hygienic, hygiene-wise, you got it.
You just got to do it.
Yeah, they'd arrest me if I did it now.
What are you, nuts?
Yeah, it's tough.
It ain't easy.
What do you think about that sandwich?
What?
Could that be a thing?
I think it's really, it's perfect.
What, like a chopped up sandwich?
Yeah, that's what I always wanted.
I just didn't realize it.
Yeah, I don't know.
Can't go back now.
That nice semolina bread.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, it seems like you're really over it.
What are you going to do?
I didn't know these were fish, by the way.
That's what I didn't get.
How would I have eaten them weeks ago?
Uh, yeah, I don't know.
It's, uh, you have that thing where, like, you'll watch food Instagram and
stuff when you're hungry.
I don't, I don't like, I don't lust over food.
It's the algorithm.
It's because of what you're putting into it.
When you Google chicken parm 38 times, it gets a read on you.
You don't have to be fucking Zuckerberg to figure that out, okay?
Bastards.
Yeah, they got you dead to rights.
Now, you know what I wanted to ask you?
Have you seen these pierogies?
Ooh, don't get me started.
Cheesesteak pierogi.
Shout out to Aunt Carol.
When did, all right, I was in an Uber the other day, and I don't ever remember
this when I was a kid.
I remember it starting maybe 10, 15, no, 15, 20 years ago.
But now it's like you can't even, you can't even roll the window down.
When did the helicopter start?
It's crazy.
Two windows in the back.
I get it.
I dives in an Uber the other day.
I cracked my window.
Yeah.
Can you see what causes that?
What the fuck is going on?
I don't know.
I do understand what you mean.
I remember as a kid the first time it happened.
It was in my dad's Jeep.
Shout out to it.
My dad almost drove off a cliff.
It was like somebody, you'd think somebody would.
I thought Huey was coming in.
Let off a flashbang in the car the way he freaked the fuck out.
Dude, it's crazy.
But it is more prominent than before, and I don't know why.
We used to go down that highway with all four windows down because the AC didn't
work.
But I think, is it one?
It's like sometimes when it's one.
Dude, it's one.
It's two.
It's everything.
Let me guess.
It's got to be some sort of negative pressure versus positive pressure.
Like there's a negative pressure inside, so the air's pushing out.
Hey, he shits his pants.
Relax.
Let the kid Google it.
Hey, Johnny, no on these.
I'm like Marky Mark over here.
This guy.
I'm supposed to take orders from a guy who's got his balls on his jeans?
Yeah.
As the guy who writes the checks around here.
You did come out of the bathroom and immediately start fucking barking orders
to Luke, which I respect.
Dick just touching the zipper.
I have to fucking zipper button, maybe.
Still plenty of room in there.
That was a quick joke.
I had to come out.
I felt like it was my first day in prison.
I had to come out swinging.
Wait, hold on.
And I don't want to go back to the potty talk, but I had just gone in there to
pee.
And I said, what the hell is that?
I mean, you didn't use the bathroom?
That was just what happened?
No, I went in to use the bathroom.
Oh, okay.
And as I was like turning the light on or something, I let out a squeaker,
which was hot, to say the least.
It was a fresh and ready little Caesar's pizza.
Stabbed you in the back, huh, kid?
Where the fuck did you go?
What are you doing over there?
Oh.
Ah, god damn it.
The goddamn big buck hunter's on the fritz, by the way.
Fucking thing.
Quack, quack.
Thank you.