Name: Gas Station Breakfast w/ Kippy & Foley
Uploaded: 2023-06-09T21:00:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Gas Station Breakfast w/ Kippy & Foley' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Gas Station Breakfast w/ Kippy & Foley' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-09. Transcript available.

This one's great.
This is for me.
And ever had to wake your parents up for work?
That's bad.
Dude, if your kid is waking you up and you're going five more minutes.
Let me get five more minutes.
Yikes.
It's bad if it's early.
I don't know what's worse.
I guess if it's like you're working the graveyard shift
and they wake you up before they leave for soccer practice.
Like, hey, it's 7 o'clock.
Get up.
I can kind of get that.
But if you're getting woken up by your kid in the morning,
by your 13-year-old son or something.
The good news is Patty would always trick us.
She got up crazy early.
My dad got up late.
But she would, Terry, get up.
She'd freak out and get him up.
And he'd get up and he'd rush out the door.
But we never had to wake him up.
But she'd come into our room and say.
It's 6.02 or whatever.
You had to be at school at 6.15 or whatever.
Yeah, that she'd be lying.
You get out of bed.
That's the oldest trick in the book.
You get out of bed.
You look at a clock.
It's 5.45.
You're like, God fucking damn it.
Yeah, and you're doing the math.
Can I get six more minutes or whatever?
Yeah.
No, she's in there screaming.
Yeah, man.
That had to be.
If it's too late, the apples and cinnamon oatmeal would be cold.
That had to be a rough wake up at that crib.
Oh, my God.
Tight house.
Everybody fucking screaming right the second they wake up.
Everybody freaking out and panicking.
Oh, man.
You don't know.
We were never late for anything ever.
Ever.
We were 15 minutes early.
Because once he got up, he would have anxiety.
Come on.
We got to get going.
We got to get out of here.
We got to get out of here.
And she would just.
Ah, ah, ah.
Yeah.
Her and my brother.
My brother would be up doing push-ups and shit like that.
And you're just screaming with a mouthful of Cheerios, spraying cereal.
They're off my back.
Ah, dude.
Dying.
Just looking for five more minutes in dreamland.
Ah, man.
Yeah.
It was tough.
You asked me why, you know, why my alarm is the.
Yeah, we had a good laugh at that.
His alarm went off one time at like, you know, I don't know, 2 p.m. or
something.
That sounds like a sub going under.
Dude, it sounds like there's a, like Russia just launched the nukes.
I'm like.
Which they could and I'll be ready.
I'll tell you that.
I'm like, that's how you're starting your day.
Maybe that's why you're a little on edge from time to time.
Yeah.
You're waking up in fucking nuclear war.
Yeah, that's how you get it.
Yeah.
Looking for a fallout shelter.
Get her from Patty.
Yeah, that's.
That ain't good.
Feels like home.
Wake up.
It's like.
You're like Ray Liotta in fucking Goodfell.
You need a fucking.
You need a handgun to your head when you wake up right away.
Just to feel.
Yeah, that's trash.
But that's a fucking fantastic.
There's got to be some sort of level of gauge to it as well.
And I don't know what it is.
Right.
If you've had to do it.
I guess if they're working the later shift, that makes sense.
Sure.
Because their hours are all fucked up.
That seems like single dad shit.
And like.
That's even worse, I feel.
No, if you had like a responsible young girl, single dad.
I mean, that's just a plot to Pretty in Pink.
But still, that's how that would break down.
Yeah.
Getting your dad out of bed.
I mean, I would be.
Actually, I'm pretty good.
My dad would have been screwed without Patty.
Yeah.
But he was also in the Navy.
So he knew how to get himself up.
In the Navy.
But he would be in and out.
From the time he woke up to how quick he got out the door.
It was.
It was insane.
Yeah.
And he would do the thing where he would pour a cup of coffee.
He'd take a couple of sips.
Put it under cold water.
Chug it a little bit.
Chug it a little bit more.
And chug it a little bit more.
Until he got the whole cup down and out the door.
Whoa.
Yeah.
It was a real one.
That's psycho.
You were going with him.
Get in the car.
Oh, yeah.
Damn.
Get in the car.
Your dad driving you to school was never as fun as your mom driving you to
school.
Oh, you're nuts.
I had the opposite.
Yeah, because my dad, the custody was split half and half.
He would stop and get you.
If you had a couple of minutes.
Not even.
We were stopping.
Oh, really?
If you're late, go in, come out, and get me if they need it.
And I would just look at the door and be like, I'm good.
Yeah, he didn't give a fuck.
He was one of those guys.
I would call him in even high school.
No, I'm saying stop at like a Wawa or something like that.
No, every day, even if we didn't have the time.
He don't care.
Oh, really?
He don't care about me being five minutes late.
He's going, fuck school.
Would you do a...
That's what I love.
He was just like, yeah, the rules.
Okay, you're late.
They're going to tell me you're late.
I drop you off.
I don't give a fuck.
Would you do a breakfast at the house and then grab like a bacon, egg, and
cheese?
No.
There was a time...
I mean, there was a...
No.
No.
I don't think so.
Maybe a cinnamon toast crunch appetizer before I got my sizzly.
Well, I remember sizzlies didn't hit.
All right, so he would pick me up because he was...
So he would go to work.
I would set an alarm at a...
Or like my stepmom would wake me up or whatever because I lived out of...
I couldn't take a bus to my junior high or high school.
Sure.
From where he lived.
Right.
But it was like, you know, seven minutes or 10 minutes or something.
You lived outside the school district.
You were one of those kids.
Well, I was in the school district but at another school.
Like, I was registered at my mom's.
Man.
And that...
Yeah, man.
It's fucking trash, dude.
Then Wednesday, Thursday...
Usually they reserve those kind of slots for athletes.
What do you mean?
Like, they look the other way when they have a good athlete that lives outside
the school
district.
Oh, I lived in the school district.
Mm-hmm.
I was registered at my mom's.
You didn't have a bus route.
My mom's, I did.
Right.
But not at your dad's.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're a dirt ball.
No, I'm not defending it but I'm just saying it's not like that crazy.
When I was with my dad, he had to drive me to school.
Okay.
I wasn't like registered at his house or whatever.
Okay.
But...
I mean, were they going to send me to another school for two days a week?
Talk about fucked up.
That's like...
I mean, what other option did I have?
Oh, man.
They would have thought you were a cop.
Oh, yeah.
Fucking balding already and stuff.
You got a light on you?
Only there on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Dude.
Get the fuck out of here.
What's up with that fucking big-headed bald guy who only shows up every other
day?
They're asking me if I do weed.
Yo.
Smoke beasters?
Shows up with another guy drinking coffee every morning.
You're a cool kid at one school and a fucking nerd.
Oh, yeah.
Dad, can't I just go to my school?
Gotta go get beat up on Wednesday and Thursdays.
You stink.
No, so he would leave for work and pick me up at, like, whatever.
Let's say the standing time was 7.30 if I had to be at school at 8.
Right.
Or whatever.
He'll be like, I'd be back...
He'd be up and out the door already.
He'd go to work, go hit a job site, go to the office, do whatever he had to do.
What, like 5 o'clock?
Yeah, 5.30 is probably out...
You're going to night school?
Drop me off at CHI.
Learning steam fitting.
Learning pipe fitting.
I remember Patty driving me to the community college.
That's fucked up, dude.
Listen, if you're really trying to get your act together, I respect it.
Which I wasn't.
That's what I'm saying.
Like, if you had already crashed out of something and you were like, you know
what?
Fuck this.
I'm getting me.
I'm going to swallow my pride.
My mom's going to take me to fucking community college.
But if you're just a fucking idiot and your mom's dropping you off at school...
Man.
If you can buy beers and your mom's dropping you off at school, that's a bad
look.
That's just the 13th grade, dude.
Dude, her coming home from work and picking me up and driving me over there in
rush hour traffic...
Honking the horn out front.
Your fat ass is probably just jerking off upstairs, tucking your little wiener
back in.
She used to drop me off when I was landscaping, too, over at this guy's cousin's
house where
he kept the truck.
It wasn't the most professional operation.
Yeah, there's one on my street.
That's where they keep...
It's like his business.
And that's where they keep the truck.
It's like his sister-in-law's house.
I think it might even be his, but it's like rag...
It's like, dude, for owning a landscaping company, why don't you get the
fucking...
Why don't you get the trim routers?
Have one of the guys come in early.
Sure.
It's a rough pile.
That's where you make the cash, though, when you keep it a small operation.
Sure.
I don't mean you can't fucking take the fucking Z mower over your lawn.
Looks like it was fucking bombed out.
But, so, he'd come back and get me.
That's crazy.
He would be, at this point, he'd be looking for his second hit of coffee.
Okay.
Right?
Because he would leave, hit Wawa, go to work, come back an hour or two later,
whatever
it was, grab me.
We'd go hit Wawa again.
Mm-hmm.
I would get, before Sizzly's hit, I would do a plain bagel or a poppy seed bagel
with
butter.
They had them pre-wrapped right next to the cash registers.
Remember that?
There was a row of cream cheese and a roll of butter.
Man, a freshie.
Good night.
I would do a butter bagel.
I wasn't fucking with cream cheese at the time.
Dude, gas station breakfast.
Talk about a C student, dude.
Holy shit.
I'd do a poppy seed bagel if they had it.
If not, I'd go plain.
Fall asleep at first period.
What'd you say?
Fall asleep at first period.
Dude, I was nodding off before we got to school.
Fucking the insulin kid over here.
Dude, that's not even it.
Then I would fucking do a straight either OJ or Wawa iced tea.
Like, not diet, obviously.
Just fucking pure Shuggies.
And then I would do, sometimes in a winter, I'd do a French vanilla coffee.
Wait, how old were you?
Eight.
French vanilla coffee.
Remember they had the machine?
You'd press the green button and it spit out the mix.
It was like hot chocolate.
Oh, yeah.
It was French vanilla hot chocolate.
I'd do a 16 ounce of that and whatever.
I wouldn't take it in, but I would finish probably about half of it.
I'd throw some ice cubes in there to cool it off so I could get my fucking,
just like your dad.
Sure.
So I could get some shooters in there.
Yeah.
Then I would go in.
That machine technology for the first five years was brutal.
It was nuts, dude.
That was like Mensa level shit.
When they tried to do that, when gas stations tried to uptick to mochaccinos
and stuff like that, dude, it was just hot chocolate.
I was there for it.
It didn't matter, dude.
I felt like I was European over there.
It didn't matter how much caffeine was in those things.
You would be so sleepy.
You're from the sugar crash, dude.
It doesn't matter.
So then, yeah, I would do that.
And then sometimes you have like an early lunch or whatever.
So I'm fucking piggybacking that at lunch at like 10, 15 a.m. sometimes.
So that was it.
He drove me to school every day.
I stayed there.
Always stopped at Wawa.
Always got.
Yeah.
And then even still, when I would drive, it was just Pavlov's dog's condition.
I would stop at Wawa, get brekkie, head in, a couple of heaters.
Never did that.
Never stopped in the morning, even when we drove.
Never even really occurred to me.
Well, it was on the way.
Unless we were cut in school, then we'd go to Dell's and get some eggs or go
over to Gene's place.
Yeah.
And load up.
Gene's place sounds like your buddy.
He'd go over to Gene's place.
His mom was on the level.
His dad played ball, if you catch my drift.