Name: Life as a Big Man w/ Shane Gillis
Uploaded: 2023-06-16T21:00:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Life as a Big Man w/ Shane Gillis' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Life as a Big Man w/ Shane Gillis' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-16. Transcript available.

Do you appreciate a lumberjack breakfast?
What exactly is that?
That would be like eggs, bacon, sausage, comes with pancakes, or waffle.
I don't like the pancakes and waffle part.
Really?
Yeah, I did just have it at Waffle House, and it was pretty good.
Waffle House is all right.
It's a good waffle.
You're not that much of a waffle or pancake guy.
No.
French toast guy?
It's delicious, but yeah.
You're just not into it.
Yeah, I don't like starting the day with, I could eat 10 pancakes.
Sure.
Are you a sweets guy?
Not really.
Hmm.
Yeah.
That's right.
This is just alcohol and meat.
Hey, ain't nothing wrong with it, baby.
Gout.
Shut up to it.
Do you have gout?
No.
I'm afraid to get checked for it.
Sure, it has to come.
Yeah.
How do you take your eggs?
Over easy.
My man.
Respectable.
Bacon crispy.
Big eggs Benedict guy, too.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Don't tell your parents.
God damn.
Whoa.
Don't this own you.
Benedict.
Look at you.
You guys are making me feel all right.
Classy guy.
Yeah.
Would you ever get that when you were a kid?
No.
When did this start up?
That's new money shit.
No, I've been having eggs.
When he moved up there to New York.
Actually, yeah, probably.
It was ham and cheese omelet forever.
Shout out to him.
Ham and cheese omelet.
I didn't have my first thing's Benedict was, yeah, probably six years ago.
Yeah.
It was the first time I had one.
And I wasn't really sure what it was.
I didn't know either.
Yeah.
And now they're all right.
It took a chance.
Will you, when you're getting in the shower, get in through the front of the
shower or the
back of the shack?
The back.
Really?
Yeah.
And enter the water.
Dude.
It's fucking psycho man.
Well, you're entering the middle.
You're entering the entire shower.
Wait, you get in the water?
Dude, he'll sneak by the toilet.
You know how like a lot of the-
Yeah, yeah.
He crams into the toilet and gets in the front.
I stick my hand in and feel the water and I get in.
I don't want to creep in.
You got to creep in, dude.
You got to let the feet do the testing.
Legs do the testing and then you go, it's too hot.
Put a hand in there and figure it out.
All right.
I'm aware that that's the classier move.
I'm going to give that to you.
Do you put your pants on and then socks or socks then pants?
Pants and socks probably.
Yeah.
Shirt first.
Oh, of course.
Is it a fat guy?
Is it a fat guy?
It goes underwear shirt immediately.
The last thing I want to see is me in the mirror.
Oh, that's bad.
Naked, bending down to put fucking socks on.
So it goes undies, shirt, pants, socks.
Yeah.
Okay.
Respect it.
Occasionally, I'll accidentally do undies, pants.
Then you just walk around and like-
Jeans with your fat fucking hips hanging over.
I don't even have that confidence in front of my wife.
Yeah, it's terrible.
No way.
I closed the door to get changed.
Yeah, I still hide my flaccid penis from my woman.
I don't hate that.
You have to.
Yeah.
I've broken that.
Don't.
Don't.
I've broken that.
I walk out fucking backwards.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, I've broken that.
I'm walking around.
Oh, yeah.
It is what it is.
A couple of acorns and a little bush.
That's it.
Yeah, that's tough, dude.
It's fucking embarrassing.
Can you see it from the front?
What do you mean?
My noodle?
Yeah.
A little bit.
Okay.
You see the tip of it.
What do you mean?
Him?
Or just anyone?
No, his.
No, I meant could an onlooker see his penis?
No, I don't think he can.
No, no, God, no.
No, yes.
If he's standing over there.
So you were asking, could somebody see his penis?
Yes.
That's fucked up, dude.
That's not that crazy.
I've seen his stomach.
You can see the area.
It doesn't hang over.
I can't see it.
It could be on my knee for all I fucking know.
Somewhere down there.
What about the deodorant?
Are you putting the deodorant on first and then the shirt?
Yeah.
Every time.
Look at that.
I'm shirt first.
What color deodorant are you using?
White.
There you go.
Is this lady's deodorant?
No.
I do.
Old spice.
White?
Oh, that white.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's like too creamy, though.
Oh, really?
It's like cream cheese for me, yeah.
I like it, dude.
I respect it.
What's in the house right now as far as food, snack-wise?
Is there anything in there?
Zero.
Zero?
Nothing's in my house.
Nothing.
Yeah.
Any beers in the fridge?
No beers.
No beers.
I don't drink at home.
Really?
I have the same rule.
Yeah.
That's why I know it's a problem.
That's how I know I have a problem.
Well, it's not really a rule either.
I don't like just sitting up.
I'm not going to sit by myself and get-
The way you do.
Although I've done it and it's really great.
Just getting fucked up by yourself.
Fucking rules, dude.
Dude, the pandemic, I would get just-
My wife would go to bed at like 11 and I would just sit up and get fucked.
I'd bottle a wine, beer, whatever was there.
That was all right.
Have you ever shotgunned a beer alone?
Oh, fuck.
I would say definitely.
I have no doubt.
When was the last time you did a beer bong?
Rogan.
I did it.
Oh, that's right.
I bonged like 20 beers this year.
I forgot about that.
What about sleeping?
Okay.
How many pillows are you using?
As many as I can get, dude.
Okay.
Are you sleeping on your side?
I try not to, but yeah.
Try to sleep on your back?
Yeah.
Got a pillow between your legs when you sleep on your side?
I like to, yeah, if I can.
Are you hugging a pillow?
I can reach one.
Are you hugging a pillow?
Yeah, you got to hug one.
Yeah, it's so nice.
You got a fan cooking while you're going?
Come on, man.
Come on, man.
Sleeping silently is insane.
That's how the thoughts get you.
You got to drown those things out.
Do you have a TV in there?
Yeah.
You do?
Do you fall asleep with a TV?
I don't watch it, no.
Really?
Yeah, I never use it.
You just go in and go to bed?
Yeah.
I listen to a book, audio book.
Really?
What kind of book are we talking?
Hitler.
Okay.
It's pretty good.
Autobiography.
Is it his book or what?
Let's see where I left off.
Oh, that's the name of the book is Hitler.
I have to compensate Straza for his resignation from the National Socialist
Freedom Movement.
You know you could have got an American guy to read it.
That's the authentic version of Germany.
In all of Germany.
You're the toughest nerd I know.
You guys got to learn about stuff.
I got to get back to being a nerd.
I used to be, I used to read a lot.
Yeah, well you're a very, you're a smart guy.
Intelligent guy.
You're a very smart guy.
You're very, you are well read.
You know a lot about history.
Yeah.
What was the SAT scores?
Remind us.
It was 1170, I think.
It was pretty solid.
It was fine.
It was 1170.
What'd you get?
Were you dumb as fuck?
You mean the guy who can't see his dick?
No, you told me this.
You told me this.
What was your SAT score?
His.
I was 1140.
I think his is like astonishing.
It's three digits.
1350.
No, you fucking liar.
What was it?
I got an 870.
I still got into college.
It's pretty good.
And then failed out.
Did you?
Oh yeah.
Where'd you go?
Widener University.
Yeah, I know Widener.
Yeah.
I had some boys play there.
Yeah?
Yeah.
It's all right.
It was a good time.
It was a good time.
What was graduation like?
Wasn't there.
Got an 870.
That's crazy.
Everybody does.
We have people on.
We ask them and they don't want to reveal.
And I go, no, he got an 870.
They go, what the hell?
Loosens it up a little bit.
You're among good people here.
Have you ever washed shoes in the washing machine or the dishwasher?
What?