Name: Graduation Cash Grab w/ Kippy & Foley
Uploaded: 2023-06-30T21:00:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Graduation Cash Grab w/ Kippy & Foley' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Graduation Cash Grab w/ Kippy & Foley' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-30. Transcript available.

With graduation season here, what's a respectable amount to give your little
sister-in-law for
a high school graduation party?
What a fucking great goddamn question.
Fantastic.
Graduation?
Because I got one coming up, baby!
Yeah?
Yeah!
Great, great question.
I haven't been to...
Shit, I don't know if I've ever been to a graduation party as an adult.
I was never...
It was either not...
That was always the thing, I can, you know, up and, you know, fucking running
around
doing spots and stuff like that, trying to make a name for yourself.
That always got sidelined.
Oh, yeah, even now.
Weddings were usually on the thing, you know what I mean?
If it was the wrong weekend, you know what I mean?
You had a spot or something like that.
A couple of funerals, too.
Yeah.
Put me mud in the fan.
Yeah, you got...
Yeah.
Graduation?
Yeah.
What?
That's like a Wednesday.
Beat it.
Yeah.
It's working!
I just had to miss one, too, because we were on the road, but...
A graduation?
A graduation, yeah.
My cousin's kid.
Yeah.
We're just doing...
But it's also, like, it's just tough to New York, to where they are.
I think they're, like, they're, like, out by you or, like, Delco.
It's like, that's a hump to get there.
And then I got the car.
I can't even get banged up.
When I picture a graduation party, I picture a roasting hot backyard with no
pool.
I don't know why.
That's what...
And wearing, like, being, like, kind of dressed up with, like, an uncomfortable...
An uncomfortable short sleeve.
Have some sort of collar on, and you're sweating.
God.
Dying.
Mismatched ankle socks.
Yeah.
Drinking a half-warm Corona, talking to somebody about something.
Like, what the fuck?
Oh, where are you going next year?
Oh.
Yeah.
How's comedy going?
When you grab...
Not good!
When you...
Can I borrow 10 bucks?
You got a check on you?
No, I'm wearing my dad's clothes.
Yeah.
And I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to walk back to New York.
I'm 38, and I'm wearing my dad's clothes from 10 years ago.
Oh, that's tough.
Got one coming up.
Good kid, too.
Real good kid.
I would go...
Is it like...
I mean, because I think the idea is to get them ready for going away to college,
right?
Like, you've got to have some money when you go away to college.
Depends what your cash situation is.
It depends what their family's cash situation is.
I don't think that should matter, what their family's cash situation is.
You're giving it to the kid.
Sure.
I mean, if they do very, very well, you know what I mean?
You know the kid's taken care of.
He don't need your 200 bucks or whatever it is.
Yeah, I don't think you should look...
I mean, I see what you're saying, but that, to me, is selfish, to look at what
the parents
have, to be like, oh, this kid doesn't...
He don't need it!
You give what you give across the board.
It should be the relationship to you.
Like, if they're close...
Like, your nephew should give 500.
This guy goes to fucking Bain Camp, all of a sudden gets some fucking morals
over here.
Dude, I have a strict moral code.
What?
Okay, hold on.
This specific question is...
His sister-in-law.
His sister-in-law?
Yeah, he could be 26, and his sister's 18.
He could be 26, and his sister's graduating college.
Yeah, his wife's sister's graduating high school or college or whatever.
I don't know.
Do you have, like, a U.S. meet?
I have no idea.
Like, we said, we never went, because that was always first on the chart.
I would say now...
Hold on a second.
I know what I'm dropping on my boy, because he's a good kid, and I feel a bit
guilty about
this.
Who's your boy?
My little cousin, who's the graduation party I said I have to go to.
Oh, okay.
His other cousins, like his sister and his other older cousin, when they
graduated, I was on
my ass.
So they got nothing.
Unless they graduated six months ago, you've been on your ass.
The one might have got promised something, too.
I'll send you something.
That never happened.
Sure.
But I'm going to make it all up with him.
That's just the luck of the draw.
That's kind of shitty, but yeah.
What, to bring them one, too?
Should I do that?
Should I...
Hey, this was for you.
Hey, can I make myself feel better and make this all about me?
Hey, how do I make this kid's graduation about me, huh?
Bring the other kids over.
You're out there with fucking stacks of hundreds.
You're fucking throwing them.
Man, you are a fucking hammerino.
This guy likes the spotlight, wants the eye.
Why don't you play your short film for everybody while you're there, too?
See if you can get funding, you fat fucking idiot.
You guys have a screen here, by any chance?
Here at Scoogies?
That word's out.
But shout out to Scoogies.
I remember doing shows there.
And just...
When you start out in comedy...
You did one with me there that almost ended our relationship.
I know.
That picture just...
But that was not too long ago.
That picture just popped up in my...
Dude, your eyeballs are like fucking pinpoints, dude.
Looking right through me.
Got into the doubles bag that night, kids.
I think it was...
I think you got into the Dwayne Reed bag, if we're being honest.
I think you stopped at a stop by GlaxoSmithKline before they paid.
I think you got a real problem.
I picked up a couple of samples.
Yeah, I got to stop by the Pfizer warehouse real quick.
Get my head on the street.
I fucking hated you that day.
Oh, my God.
You had a shitty vest on.
You brought that kid I fucking hated.
You guys were so...
You guys immediately passed out of my car drunk while at like fucking 3.15 p.m.
on a Friday.
Fucking came in, started cranking heaters, and passed out in the...
I was so fucking mad at you, dude.
An all-time low for a lot of us.
But...
Especially the crowd that night.
Oh, man.
They were about 70 years old and hated our guys.
I bombed so bad, dude.
I was on pills.
I don't know.
I had an excuse.
I was all fucked up.
That's on roller skating.
No, but I remember when you start off in comedy, you don't go right to the cool
comedy clubs
that you're happy to post about.
And I remember having to post someone's...
I'm like, hey, if the name of the place stunk, you did a better...
You would do like the town.
I'll be in Bryn Mawr on the 18th or something.
And then I remember some kids like, where's it at?
And I was like, Scoogey.
I was like, oh, man, that's out of a stand-up comedy movie.
But Scoogey's a great place.
That little bar up front.
Dude, been going there since I was a kid.
Fantastic spot.
Yeah.
Good Italian food over there.
Just the setup to the show wasn't ideal.
Yeah, we stunk.
Oh, yeah.
The place was fantastic.
Yeah.
Oh, fuck.
Anyway.
What were we talking about?
Oh, what the give?
Hold on.
Hold on.
So you don't think I should do that?
Make wrongs right?
How long ago was it?
I think they're both juniors in college.
Yeah, that's...
Yeah, you...
I'd look like an asshole.
That would come off super weird to me.
Hey, things weren't good when you guys graduated and I'm taking care of your
whatever.
I wanted to make sure you guys were whatever.
They don't need it either.
I'd be like, this guy killed a guy trying to make amends.
Yeah, that's what that...
That's like my name is Earl type shit.
That's like you fucking...
That's...
That's too weird to...
Dude, if one of my cousins...
If my uncle...
My name is Earl.
Dude, if my uncle came up to me as a junior in college like, hey, things weren't
so great
back in the day.
Here's 200 bucks.
I'd be like, oh, hey, buddy, take a fucking chill pill.
Yeah, right.
You wouldn't take the 200?
Yeah, I'd look at you weird, though.
I see what you're saying.
Okay.
I just think it's the same thing as like...
I am very misguided with all that stuff.
It's the same thing as like what you said where you tipped a construction
worker.
It's like that same...
Like, it just doesn't...
The transactional...
It's not a good transactional point, if that makes sense.
That's all I think.
I mean, the sentiment is good.
I understand that.
My one cousin had a birthday not that long ago, and I made sure I was a little
bit, you
know, heavier with the...
Yeah, get it up to him on the next graduation.
All right.
Yes.
Hey, sorry I was a fucking...
I'm sorry I stiffed you back in the day.
Here.
Yeah, that...
Make it up.
They're juniors.
They got one year left.
Okay.
Fucking, you know.
All right.
That's when you hit them.
That's the time to make the transactions right there.
I have a family friend that I iced on their wedding, too.
It's always bothered me.
What are you dropping out?
I got hammered drunk.
Yeah.
It's been...
I mean, let's move on from that.
What, uh...
I got a couple of notes flopping out in the wind.
And you ain't getting it!
Come get it, pussies!
The crab cake sucked!
I was jammed up!
I'm making my wrongs right at took Pat to the goddamn Indy, didn't I?
Fair enough.
I'm fucking...
I'm doing what a guy can do.
I can't just show up on people's doorsteps with a bag of cash.
I'm like a goddamn pedophile knocking on the doors letting everybody know.
I'm Kevin Ryan.
I used to be a piece of shit.
I just moved to the neighborhood.
I'm still a piece of shit, but I got a couple of shekels on me now.
Ah, man.
Look, those days, dude.
If you don't remember, I showed up at your wedding with a plus one and didn't
have a plus one.
And I ate three entrees and threw up on the dance floor and didn't give you
anything.
Ah, yeah.
That sounds about right.
Well, back in the day to get...
For me, my average bank account, not liabilities, not bills that had to be paid
or debts I already had incurred.
My average floating bank account was probably $183.
Damn, look at you.
Yeah, but that's like...
I owe Bill, like I was like spinning the plates.
I never had more than...
If I had more than $200 in my bank account, I felt rich.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
So it's like, now I got a wedding in Philly.
I got to get there.
That's $40 to get to Philly.
So now I'm down to $100.
That ain't no Amtrak train.
No.
That's the three-hour New Jersey transit to...
To what?
To Warren.
You're on top of it like the Darjeeling Limited.
I don't know what that is.
I feel like you're getting electrocuted by power lines.
Oh, tough luck.
But until then I get down there, and then it's like, all right, I need lunch or
something the day before.
I got to get to a hotel.
You got to stuff your fat face, don't you?
I got to have fueled it so I can drink more all day.
A pack of heaters.
Next thing you know, plus I got to get home for another $40.
Real tight with the ones at the bar, too, I bet.
You always wet me.
No, that's where I spend...
I tip them.
I hit them with a fucking...
Probably then I'd hit them with a 10 early.
Woo-hoo.
Hit them with it.
Hey, jerk-off, over here.
Remember this big forehead.
Well, y'all be back in about 15 minutes.
You ever see a $3 bill, huh?
Bing.
There you go.
Straighten me out.
For the next four hours.
That's actually a collector's item.
I take it back.
Oh, shit.
Okay, so what are you going to give to your nephew?
Wait, wait, wait.
Let's do the recommendations first, and then we'll see where you land.
No, let's find out what he does, and then see where he lands on the scale.
Yeah, okay.
He might hear this.
Write it down.
Okay.
Can you straighten me out with a piece of paper and a pen?
Luke!
Pet Hans for me.
We got the dog in the studio.
Scratch the dog's belly.
Tell him I love him.
Okay, T-Bone got us a pen and paper.
Write it down.
Let's see where you fall in the national scale.
Does it give you, like, high school, college?
Middle school, high school, college.
Okay.
I'm assuming you stiffed them on middle school, too.
What the fuck?
What?
Yeah.
You're not getting paid.
I didn't get paid out for middle school.
Maybe a couple aunts and uncles might have straightened me out.
Got out to my Uncle Mike and my Aunt Colleen.
This is what I was thinking.
I think I probably know.
I probably have, like, a guesstimate.
But you also are very bad with money.
Well, it's about to get worse.
There you go.
All right.
That was lower than I thought you were going to go.
Give me it again.
Give me it again.
That was one lower than I thought you were going to go.
Just one?
Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
So what do you have?
All right.
Don't middle school forget about it.
What would you give a kid for middle school?
Now that I...
Get the fuck out of here.
Nothing.
Middle school.
No.
My nephews...
I'd give them the sex talk and tell them not to be a weirdo.
Are you kidding me?
Middle school?
Yeah, man.
If your niece is a nephew, you just said your uncles gave you stuff.
I don't understand what you mean.
You just said your uncles might have broken you off.
All right.
Four grand.
Yeah, probably a hundred bucks or something or maybe a pair of shoes or
something.
That's what I've been giving the kids.
I've been keeping the kids fucking tight in the Jordans.
That's pretty good.
The recommendation is $10 to $30.
Whoa.
Seems wildly low to me.
That's low.
These kids are rich now.
That's what Patty does.
Patty usually goes low with the number, but it's very frequent.
That's good, too.
They'll get $10 on St. Patrick's Day.
They'll get $10 on Valentine's Day.
Yeah.
That's good.
Okay.
All right.
High school.
$30 to $200.
What the fuck?
Really?
$30?
What is this, from the 1800s?
This is from 2023.
Oh, cheap motherfuckers.
$30?
Yeah, but I...
That'll be gone before the night's over.
It'll be boozing.
I think probably the...
Now that I'm looking back, I think most of this...
It's not a wedding.
True.
They're not getting married.
I always thought it was looked at as, you know, you give them the money, and
then that's
their nest egg to go away to college.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Like, they're for freshman year.
I think most checks I got were probably $25 or $50.
Maybe.
That doesn't make sense.
Maybe.
I think it was like $20, $25 was like standard.
Now that I think of it, graduation night, I didn't have a graduation party.
Everybody came to graduation night.
And I think I probably got maybe, I don't know, nine to 10 envelopes.
Maybe pulled in $250.
Maybe three bills.
Yeah, that makes about sense.
You got one...
If you're closer to an uncle who's got a little bit of cash, maybe they hit you
with a hundy.
We were leaving the next day for senior week down in Ocean City.
Oh, dude.
My graduation money didn't make it past Wednesday of senior week.
Yeah, that was fucking down.
Yeah.
I had that and a sheet of acid stuffed in the restaurant at the end of the
universe.
It's a book.
That's right.
It might stash.
It's always about food with you, huh?
Even in space.
Foley, you're the first man to reach the end of the universe.
What are your thoughts?
Is there a Denny's around here?
A sampler, talk this out.
Okay.
And then what was it?
Do they have college?
They sure do.
I would assume college should be smaller than...
High school is the biggest accomplishment to me.
You're on your own.
Yeah, college, it's like, motherfucker, you're 24.
It should have been working.
All right.
College, 30 to 500.
30?
What's with a 30?
That makes sense, though.
Who did this?
Rachel Ray?
Remember when she was going around Europe, penny pinching?
No.
You don't remember that show?
Maybe it wasn't her.
Yeah, Bourdain.
Maybe it wasn't her, but I think somebody had a travel show.
It was like $40 a day.
Give that a Google real quick.
And they would go...
They would tell you you could get...
A hostel, a cream pie.
No, no, no.
It was just restaurants.
Oh, okay.
And they would leave like $1.15 for a tip.
In Europe, that's fine, though.
Maybe it wasn't Europe.
I'm telling you.
I remember Bourdain really, really ripping on them for it.
It's like, yeah, you can save money if you stiff every bartender and waiter in
the city.
Rachel Ray's Tasty Travels.
Okay.
Yeah, it was $40 a day, right?
Yep, $40 a day.
Yeah.
Well, you live and you learn.
You know what I mean?
Sure.
Okay.
Oh, no.
That show was just called $40 a day.
The show she did after was Rachel Ray's Tasty Travels.
Okay.
This is a tasty travel.
All right.
So, Foley was, you know, do you want to reveal what you want to give?
I mean, that wouldn't be tasteful.
I agree.
I'll give you that.
It wouldn't be tasteful.
But.
$400.
It was.
I thought you were going to come.
I'll see you down there, big man.
I love you, kid.
It's also, he's 18, probably.
Who gives a fuck?
He's like, he's probably already spent it.
He hears this.
He's fucking on Amazon right now.
Getting a blow-up doll.
And you know what?
I get two, three drinks from me.
I'm going five.
How about that?
I thought you were going to go five.
Because you think.
All right.
Let's go five.
You think in round numbers.
I do.
So, I saw four.
I was flabbergasted.
Well, I didn't want.
I thought you used to yell at me.
Why?
For being too much.
No.
No.
Why do you think I'm always going to yell at you?
Now, you think the other kids, when they get winded out, will be like, his
fucking dickhead.
Then you fucking bamboozle them when they graduate.
In college, we already went over that.
All right.
You just can't go up to somebody and hand them 500 bucks.
I would love that.
Yeah.
You're a dirtbag.
These are learned people who made it to junior year of college.
I did not.
All right.
Fantastic question.
So, there you go.
Fucking home run.
It's that season.
That's got to go in the repertoire.
Sure.
But I guess not a lot of people know that you don't go to that many.
And it's like, 25 bucks, 50 bucks, whatever.
Sure.
I remember I got a trapper keeper from one uncle.
Yikes.
It's like, buddy.
School's over, dude.
Yeah.
The drug dealer don't take fucking trapper keepers.
Better be some weed in here.
That's the deal.
All right.
This one's from That's Not a Snack, It's a Lunch.
I assume it's in regards to something you had said.
Sure.
Never Have One Red is a garbage you have to wait for a decent weather day to
trade in your
car because the wipers don't work and you don't want them to find out.
Bye.

Graduation Cash Grab w/ Kippy & Foley

With graduation season here, what's a respectable amount to give your little
sister-in-law for
a high school graduation party?
What a fucking great goddamn question.
Fantastic.
Graduation?
Because I got one coming up, baby!
Yeah?
Yeah!
Great, great question.
I haven't been to...
Shit, I don't know if I've ever been to a graduation party as an adult.
I was never...
It was either not...
That was always the thing, I can, you know, up and, you know, fucking running
around
doing spots and stuff like that, trying to make a name for yourself.
That always got sidelined.
Oh, yeah, even now.
Weddings were usually on the thing, you know what I mean?
If it was the wrong weekend, you know what I mean?
You had a spot or something like that.
A couple of funerals, too.
Yeah.
Put me mud in the fan.
Yeah, you got...
Yeah.
Graduation?
Yeah.
What?
That's like a Wednesday.
Beat it.
Yeah.
It's working!
I just had to miss one, too, because we were on the road, but...
A graduation?
A graduation, yeah.
My cousin's kid.
Yeah.
We're just doing...
But it's also, like, it's just tough to New York, to where they are.
I think they're, like, they're, like, out by you or, like, Delco.
It's like, that's a hump to get there.
And then I got the car.
I can't even get banged up.
When I picture a graduation party, I picture a roasting hot backyard with no
pool.
I don't know why.
That's what...
And wearing, like, being, like, kind of dressed up with, like, an uncomfortable...
An uncomfortable short sleeve.
Have some sort of collar on, and you're sweating.
God.
Dying.
Mismatched ankle socks.
Yeah.
Drinking a half-warm Corona, talking to somebody about something.
Like, what the fuck?
Oh, where are you going next year?
Oh.
Yeah.
How's comedy going?
When you grab...
Not good!
When you...
Can I borrow 10 bucks?
You got a check on you?
No, I'm wearing my dad's clothes.
Yeah.
And I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to walk back to New York.
I'm 38, and I'm wearing my dad's clothes from 10 years ago.
Oh, that's tough.
Got one coming up.
Good kid, too.
Real good kid.
I would go...
Is it like...
I mean, because I think the idea is to get them ready for going away to college,
right?
Like, you've got to have some money when you go away to college.
Depends what your cash situation is.
It depends what their family's cash situation is.
I don't think that should matter, what their family's cash situation is.
You're giving it to the kid.
Sure.
I mean, if they do very, very well, you know what I mean?
You know the kid's taken care of.
He don't need your 200 bucks or whatever it is.
Yeah, I don't think you should look...
I mean, I see what you're saying, but that, to me, is selfish, to look at what
the parents
have, to be like, oh, this kid doesn't...
He don't need it!
You give what you give across the board.
It should be the relationship to you.
Like, if they're close...
Like, your nephew should give 500.
This guy goes to fucking Bain Camp, all of a sudden gets some fucking morals
over here.
Dude, I have a strict moral code.
What?
Okay, hold on.
This specific question is...
His sister-in-law.
His sister-in-law?
Yeah, he could be 26, and his sister's 18.
He could be 26, and his sister's graduating college.
Yeah, his wife's sister's graduating high school or college or whatever.
I don't know.
Do you have, like, a U.S. meet?
I have no idea.
Like, we said, we never went, because that was always first on the chart.
I would say now...
Hold on a second.
I know what I'm dropping on my boy, because he's a good kid, and I feel a bit
guilty about
this.
Who's your boy?
My little cousin, who's the graduation party I said I have to go to.
Oh, okay.
His other cousins, like his sister and his other older cousin, when they
graduated, I was on
my ass.
So they got nothing.
Unless they graduated six months ago, you've been on your ass.
The one might have got promised something, too.
I'll send you something.
That never happened.
Sure.
But I'm going to make it all up with him.
That's just the luck of the draw.
That's kind of shitty, but yeah.
What, to bring them one, too?
Should I do that?
Should I...
Hey, this was for you.
Hey, can I make myself feel better and make this all about me?
Hey, how do I make this kid's graduation about me, huh?
Bring the other kids over.
You're out there with fucking stacks of hundreds.
You're fucking throwing them.
Man, you are a fucking hammerino.
This guy likes the spotlight, wants the eye.
Why don't you play your short film for everybody while you're there, too?
See if you can get funding, you fat fucking idiot.
You guys have a screen here, by any chance?
Here at Scoogies?
That word's out.
But shout out to Scoogies.
I remember doing shows there.
And just...
When you start out in comedy...
You did one with me there that almost ended our relationship.
I know.
That picture just...
But that was not too long ago.
That picture just popped up in my...
Dude, your eyeballs are like fucking pinpoints, dude.
Looking right through me.
Got into the doubles bag that night, kids.
I think it was...
I think you got into the Dwayne Reed bag, if we're being honest.
I think you stopped at a stop by GlaxoSmithKline before they paid.
I think you got a real problem.
I picked up a couple of samples.
Yeah, I got to stop by the Pfizer warehouse real quick.
Get my head on the street.
I fucking hated you that day.
Oh, my God.
You had a shitty vest on.
You brought that kid I fucking hated.
You guys were so...
You guys immediately passed out of my car drunk while at like fucking 3.15 p.m.
on a Friday.
Fucking came in, started cranking heaters, and passed out in the...
I was so fucking mad at you, dude.
An all-time low for a lot of us.
But...
Especially the crowd that night.
Oh, man.
They were about 70 years old and hated our guys.
I bombed so bad, dude.
I was on pills.
I don't know.
I had an excuse.
I was all fucked up.
That's on roller skating.
No, but I remember when you start off in comedy, you don't go right to the cool
comedy clubs
that you're happy to post about.
And I remember having to post someone's...
I'm like, hey, if the name of the place stunk, you did a better...
You would do like the town.
I'll be in Bryn Mawr on the 18th or something.
And then I remember some kids like, where's it at?
And I was like, Scoogey.
I was like, oh, man, that's out of a stand-up comedy movie.
But Scoogey's a great place.
That little bar up front.
Dude, been going there since I was a kid.
Fantastic spot.
Yeah.
Good Italian food over there.
Just the setup to the show wasn't ideal.
Yeah, we stunk.
Oh, yeah.
The place was fantastic.
Yeah.
Oh, fuck.
Anyway.
What were we talking about?
Oh, what the give?
Hold on.
Hold on.
So you don't think I should do that?
Make wrongs right?
How long ago was it?
I think they're both juniors in college.
Yeah, that's...
Yeah, you...
I'd look like an asshole.
That would come off super weird to me.
Hey, things weren't good when you guys graduated and I'm taking care of your
whatever.
I wanted to make sure you guys were whatever.
They don't need it either.
I'd be like, this guy killed a guy trying to make amends.
Yeah, that's what that...
That's like my name is Earl type shit.
That's like you fucking...
That's...
That's too weird to...
Dude, if one of my cousins...
If my uncle...
My name is Earl.
Dude, if my uncle came up to me as a junior in college like, hey, things weren't
so great
back in the day.
Here's 200 bucks.
I'd be like, oh, hey, buddy, take a fucking chill pill.
Yeah, right.
You wouldn't take the 200?
Yeah, I'd look at you weird, though.
I see what you're saying.
Okay.
I just think it's the same thing as like...
I am very misguided with all that stuff.
It's the same thing as like what you said where you tipped a construction
worker.
It's like that same...
Like, it just doesn't...
The transactional...
It's not a good transactional point, if that makes sense.
That's all I think.
I mean, the sentiment is good.
I understand that.
My one cousin had a birthday not that long ago, and I made sure I was a little
bit, you
know, heavier with the...
Yeah, get it up to him on the next graduation.
All right.
Yes.
Hey, sorry I was a fucking...
I'm sorry I stiffed you back in the day.
Here.
Yeah, that...
Make it up.
They're juniors.
They got one year left.
Okay.
Fucking, you know.
All right.
That's when you hit them.
That's the time to make the transactions right there.
I have a family friend that I iced on their wedding, too.
It's always bothered me.
What are you dropping out?
I got hammered drunk.
Yeah.
It's been...
I mean, let's move on from that.
What, uh...
I got a couple of notes flopping out in the wind.
And you ain't getting it!
Come get it, pussies!
The crab cake sucked!
I was jammed up!
I'm making my wrongs right at took Pat to the goddamn Indy, didn't I?
Fair enough.
I'm fucking...
I'm doing what a guy can do.
I can't just show up on people's doorsteps with a bag of cash.
I'm like a goddamn pedophile knocking on the doors letting everybody know.
I'm Kevin Ryan.
I used to be a piece of shit.
I just moved to the neighborhood.
I'm still a piece of shit, but I got a couple of shekels on me now.
Ah, man.
Look, those days, dude.
If you don't remember, I showed up at your wedding with a plus one and didn't
have a plus one.
And I ate three entrees and threw up on the dance floor and didn't give you
anything.
Ah, yeah.
That sounds about right.
Well, back in the day to get...
For me, my average bank account, not liabilities, not bills that had to be paid
or debts I already had incurred.
My average floating bank account was probably $183.
Damn, look at you.
Yeah, but that's like...
I owe Bill, like I was like spinning the plates.
I never had more than...
If I had more than $200 in my bank account, I felt rich.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
So it's like, now I got a wedding in Philly.
I got to get there.
That's $40 to get to Philly.
So now I'm down to $100.
That ain't no Amtrak train.
No.
That's the three-hour New Jersey transit to...
To what?
To Warren.
You're on top of it like the Darjeeling Limited.
I don't know what that is.
I feel like you're getting electrocuted by power lines.
Oh, tough luck.
But until then I get down there, and then it's like, all right, I need lunch or
something the day before.
I got to get to a hotel.
You got to stuff your fat face, don't you?
I got to have fueled it so I can drink more all day.
A pack of heaters.
Next thing you know, plus I got to get home for another $40.
Real tight with the ones at the bar, too, I bet.
You always wet me.
No, that's where I spend...
I tip them.
I hit them with a fucking...
Probably then I'd hit them with a 10 early.
Woo-hoo.
Hit them with it.
Hey, jerk-off, over here.
Remember this big forehead.
Well, y'all be back in about 15 minutes.
You ever see a $3 bill, huh?
Bing.
There you go.
Straighten me out.
For the next four hours.
That's actually a collector's item.
I take it back.
Oh, shit.
Okay, so what are you going to give to your nephew?
Wait, wait, wait.
Let's do the recommendations first, and then we'll see where you land.
No, let's find out what he does, and then see where he lands on the scale.
Yeah, okay.
He might hear this.
Write it down.
Okay.
Can you straighten me out with a piece of paper and a pen?
Luke!
Pet Hans for me.
We got the dog in the studio.
Scratch the dog's belly.
Tell him I love him.
Okay, T-Bone got us a pen and paper.
Write it down.
Let's see where you fall in the national scale.
Does it give you, like, high school, college?
Middle school, high school, college.
Okay.
I'm assuming you stiffed them on middle school, too.
What the fuck?
What?
Yeah.
You're not getting paid.
I didn't get paid out for middle school.
Maybe a couple aunts and uncles might have straightened me out.
Got out to my Uncle Mike and my Aunt Colleen.
This is what I was thinking.
I think I probably know.
I probably have, like, a guesstimate.
But you also are very bad with money.
Well, it's about to get worse.
There you go.
All right.
That was lower than I thought you were going to go.