Name: Shamed by the Maid w/ Kippy & Foley
Uploaded: 2023-07-04T21:00:34.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Shamed by the Maid w/ Kippy & Foley' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Shamed by the Maid w/ Kippy & Foley' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-04. Transcript available.

I'm coming. I had a hectic morning here.
As you know, this cleaning lady's got me jammed up.
As you know...
We assumed you were... There was a moment...
Where you thought I was doing drugs?
Drugs.
Why?
Because you had a lot of H-Foley 2006 behavior.
I gotta go meet someone.
Then you get here, you're like, no, I had to wait for someone.
Then you're like, oh, the Uber did this, the Uber did that.
They ran through a couple red lights, this and that.
I do see what you're saying.
This was out of my fucking playbook in 06, baby.
But why would I lie to you about drugs?
Because that's what you do, man.
If I was doing drugs, I don't lie about my alcoholism.
I'd let that ride. It's on the set, baby.
I built a life around it.
If I started doing drugs, I wouldn't hide it.
Really?
You'd be freaking out.
Oh, yeah. First of all, we wouldn't be able to do the show.
I would be losing my mind. I don't even take Advil.
Hiding doing the...
I'm a control freak.
Hiding doing the drugs.
I like to will away my headaches and hangovers.
I see what you do in a flight delay.
I can't imagine a couple of hits of weed.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's another thing, too.
You were saying that the other day at the airport.
But I've never really...
You pulled an audible and just went through the one day.
Yes.
But your anxiety is usually not that bad.
Oh, no.
I felt like I was doing a bank job.
It's crazy.
What?
You're shocked that I jumped ahead because we weren't...
Yeah, you jumped like seven zones.
I did.
Kibby got us jammed up on a United flight going somewhere.
Yeah, my fault.
We were in the back like dirt balls.
And then you just fucking...
You just...
They called for veterans and you were just...
I walked up with my limp.
You were right through the line, dude.
I was acting like I was blind.
Feeling the flight attendant's face.
By the way, you're very beautiful.
You're a beautiful man.
Yeah, and then when we talked afterwards, you said, yeah, your anxiety really
got you.
What's your flight anxiety?
Something's going to go down?
Wouldn't you want to be with the big dog?
I don't understand.
Let's pop this bubble of you being useful in any situation ever.
You can't tie your shoes.
You can't get in and out of cars.
I'm not talking about tying my shoes.
I'm talking about mixing it up.
Talking about taking guys down.
If the shit went down.
You have...
I have to...
What?
I have to get up so you can get up.
I have to hand you your luggage.
I have to put it in the overhead bin.
What are you going to do?
Annoy them to death?
Hey, buddy.
What are you doing with that?
Where are you going?
Where are you guys from originally?
You guys got super fresh out there?
When did you have meatballs for the first time?
Just saying the Pledge of Allegiance into his ear.
I'll turn them.
No, that was...
There was no seats.
No, that time was something else.
There was no seats.
We were jammed up.
You guys were eating.
Yeah.
And we were sitting there like bozos.
And I was just like, oh, fuck it.
I want to go try to just fucking get on.
Yeah, okay.
No, that was that.
But we were somewhere else.
I get real fucking frantic getting on planes.
I have bad anxiety.
I pay to get on the flight ahead of time so I can sit there and just chill.
I'm worried about having to check my bag.
I just want to get in, put my bag warp along, sit down, put my headphones in,
and listen
to a pod.
All right.
That's what I like doing.
That's taken care of.
Now, what's going on with the drugs?
What are you on?
I'm on nothing.
Uppers, downers, zippers, left, rights, fucking going diagonal.
Popping stoplights.
What are you into?
No, nothing.
I just fucking, for the listener, we've mentioned it before, the cleaning lady,
me and my wife
got a cleaning lady, and she fucking airs me out on Instagram like a fucking
jerk off.
She's doing like the green yucky faces in my bathroom and stuff.
Like, what the fuck?
And she's still doing it.
And now I'm like, I spent all morning cleaning the apartment for this broad to
come.
Why don't you grow a set of balls and tell her, hey, lady, knock it the fuck
off?
Because I'm a pussy.
Jesus.
What do you mean?
She's not like tagging me.
At Kevin Rank, at RU Garvin.
I don't know what to miss if you're listening.
Please do that.
It's just like, dude, and it's like, and I'm sitting there cleaning the house.
I'm like, what am I paying this girl to clean the fucking apartment for?
It sucks.
It was fucking, it's been killing me.
What'd she get you for?
130.
It's not that bad.
There's a lot of dog hair in there.
I think a lot.
And the worst part is she's the only cleaning lady in New York.
Well, my wife likes her.
In Washington Heights, no less.
My wife likes her.
Dude, fuck.
When I lived with, when I lived with my.
Nine and a half million people, one cleaning lady.
Yeah.
Busy girl.
She was, she was late today.
She got nine million houses to clean.
Showed up with a coffee.
She's like Santa Claus, dude.
Yeah.
She'll get to your fat ass when she gets to you.
Now sit in your filth and wait for me.
I'm taking losses over here, dude.
What'd she look like?
I might as well be on drugs.
What'd she look like, by the way?
White chick, if that's what you're asking?
No.
I wasn't.
I mean, what do you want?
I mean, she's 5'5", big set of cans.
What do you want from me?
Yeah, I was looking for something sexy, not a profile.
Yeah, not sexy.
It's not like the videos I watch.
Getting stuck in everything.
I think I put my wedding ring down the garbage disposal.
Yeah, it just fucking jams me up.
It's frustrating because then you got to toe a line of how filthy your house.
Not that my place is filthy, but, you know, we need a cleaning lady.
You're toeing the line of like what filth you want to present to someone.
It's like you have company coming over.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
You got to clean up.
You got to show like you're not living like Annie Molls, you know?
I got too much stuff in the apartment.
There's stuff everywhere, man.
There's stuff fucking everywhere.
Does she go behind the couch and get the little dust bunnies and all that stuff?
And fingernails?
Nah, I don't think so.
Oh, really?
That's where I put them.
Oh, me too.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
It's like the lovely bones back there.
I get yelled at heavy for it.
Oh, yeah.
Boop.
Mm-hmm.
I'm always stashing a fingernail.
I've gotten—Toby is disgusted by this.
I've gotten a bajillion times better.
A bajillion.
Your house is, without a doubt, the grossest apartment ever.
You have an outside trash can in your living room, don't you?
That's not true.
That's not true.
It's not true.
I have a little trash can, which was an incredible addition.
Everyone should do it.
No, a trash can in the living room is crazy.
It's a little guy.
It's a little stepper.
It's great.
No.
You have the metal one, like Oscar the Grouch?
No.
A simply human?
With the Captain America shield?
No.
No, I don't got that.
Somebody else's house number spray painted on it?
No, it's like a little one, like you'd have in the bathroom.
That's—no.
You can't do that.
It's not a lobby.
It's not a waiting room.
I mean, there's a bike in there.
It might as well be.
There's an old Oldsmobile.
Yeah.
Man, you ever have one of your boys with a motorcycle in the apartment?
Yikes.
What?
A dirt bike in the living room?
No.
Like a walk-up apartment, not like a high-rise or anything like that, like in
the burbs.
A walk-up apartment would be even worse.
Like one step.
You can get a dirt bike up one step.
One flight of stairs?
Yeah.
Like Sean Hunter's dad?
You never had—
Is that a friend of yours?
I know Sean Hunter.
Yeah, we grew up with him.
Did you really?
Yeah.
Wait, how'd you guys both know him?
He lived with me, and then he lived with me.
Shut up.
Sean Hunter's a good name.
That'd be a kid who would have a dirt bike.
Yeah, you know, he was a good kid.
Grew up on the wrong side of the tracks, but we straightened him out.
All right, whatever.
Anywho, in your 20s, you never had a buddy who rode dirt bikes?
I didn't know Sam Kinison.
Yeah, we had dirt bikes.
You kept them in the shed or the garage or something.
I knew a couple dudes that had dirt bikes in their living room.
That's where they kept it.
My boy Alex, the one you met—I mean, you've met a bunch, but the one we saw
in Austin,
he might have.
There was a—he used to live off Girard Ave when he started getting into
motorcycles.
You steal it down there.
Yeah, I think for a while there was a motorcycle.
He lived on the front, like, first floor apartment.
I think there was a motorcycle in there now that I think about it.
Yeah.
Fucking wake up next to the oil—I'm on the floor, the oil's dripping in a pan
next to me.
I know, that thing was sweet, though.
If you were ever in a pinch, you can get out of there quick, right through the
windshield.
Right out the front window.
I love how you turn into fucking Schwarzenegger when shit hits the fan.
How y'all just rammed through the bay window.
You stick with me, kid.
You'll be looking for the keys.
How do you start the—just get it started, and I'll be good.
Got the helmet on backwards.