Name: How to Buy a Car (New Money Edition) w/ Tom Segura
Uploaded: 2023-07-14T21:00:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'How to Buy a Car (New Money Edition) w/ Tom Segura' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'How to Buy a Car (New Money Edition) w/ Tom Segura' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-14. Transcript available.

Before we get started, you're a car guy.
It's well documented, right?
I would like your advice.
Recently, my car was stolen, so I'm in the market for a new car.
It was stolen?
Yeah.
Kia boys got them.
Kia boys got me.
Who?
The Kia boys.
Oh, the Kia boys.
They fucking jacked my shit and were hanging out in it.
Okay.
So I'm in the market for a new car.
Guy like me.
What would you recommend Guy Like Me gets?
What should I be driving around town?
Another Kia?
Kia Sorento?
Guy like you.
I mean, look, I know how the patrons do.
It's true to roof.
It's true to roof.
Here's the thing.
Are you?
Am I bad with money?
Yes, Tom.
I'm very bad with money.
Are you excited?
Like, here's the thing.
There's luxury guys that want to just be comfortable.
They're just plush.
That's me.
That's me.
You're not a high-performance guy.
No, no, no.
I mean, what about like just a Benzo?
What about?
Why can't we do that?
Like a straight Benzo.
I want an SUV.
I'm an SUV.
Oh, your SUV?
I think an SUV.
Big guy.
You're driving here in the city.
Yeah.
You don't want to do full-size SUV in this city.
I want a big Escalade.
That's what I want.
Yeah, they're amazing.
Yeah.
I love them.
Those things are like spaceships.
Those suck in L.A., and that's more space than here.
Yeah.
So I had one there, and I was like, every time you – it's great when you like
pull out
of your driveway, and then as soon as you pull up to anything, you're like, ah,
fuck.
And everyone's like, what are you doing?
Like, they're mad at you for driving it.
They're like, we can't park this area.
Am I good over there?
Yeah.
They're so big.
They're huge.
So you got to get like a – ooh, I got one for you.
Lay it on me.
Here we go.
What about like a Porsche Macan?
Well, that's – I don't – my family would disown me.
Why?
I can't tell you.
You have to import it from Italy, but –
A Porsche.
I'm not a Porsche guy.
And that's the SUV?
Yeah, it's the SUV.
That's the small – they have a Cayenne, and they have a Macan.
Macan's the smaller version.
Okay.
I mean –
Yes, dude.
Yes.
And once you drive one, you're fucked.
You'll never want to drive anything else.
I was thinking a Grand Cherokee or something.
No, those are great.
You're driving around in a Ferrari Macchiato?
I wouldn't do a Ferrari.
No, I don't like a Ferrari.
Do you have one?
Do you have a Ferrari?
No.
That's not a – no.
No, no, no.
I don't.
I don't have one.
Are you just not a Ferrari guy?
I love Ferraris.
I just – I've never – I never got one.
Really?
Yeah, it's a good idea.
I should get one.
He just pulls out his – he's on Corvana right now.
They're fucking amazing.
Have you ever driven one?
No.
What are you talking about?
I just told you my Kia got stolen.
First of all, I think –
He was sleeping in it.
Most – look, if you – my belief is, if it's not a classic or a car that you're
like,
I definitely want this forever, I don't believe in – I only buy
the cars that I'm like, this is – I want this.
You want to keep it forever.
You lease everything else.
I want this or it's like, it's special.
It's a classic.
Yeah.
So, I mean, I own the ones that you should own.
And then – and I think if you were getting something like that, I would lease
that.
Okay.
I would lease that car.
All right.
Last time you were here, speaking of which, that number was – I want to say
around five
or six was in the arsenal.
Yeah.
Has that gone up?
I've moved a lot of stuff around.
Have you?
I've sold a few things, but I have some things incoming.
Okay.
So –
Man, that's rich guy shit.
And I'm – all right.
This is – I'm building a garage, like, off-site to –
Whoa.
Yeah.
The off-site garage.
It's nice, too.
Like, a nice, chill place.
That's very Jay Leno.
Yeah, it's, like, kind of like – yeah, his – you know what his holds?
Yeah.
An aircraft carrier?
It holds, like, 250 cars.
Seriously.
Looks like long-term parking.
It is a – it does.
It is a shuttle.
It's a fucking – it's a facility.
It has a staff.
He has a full staff there.
Damn.
It's wild.
Are you going to go something like that?
No, no, no.
It's much more tame than that.
Security guard in a pit bull?
Fuck yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Somebody with some steel out front.
A crazy fucking Texan.
Yeah.
His cowboy.
He's looking for it.
His shit kickers and shorts.
That's all he wears.
Okay.
I might get a Porsche.
It's a few – I don't know.
It's a few cars, but, like, it's nothing crazy.
It's not crazy.
Wild.
Huh.
Man.
Oh, there you go, Kippy.
Porsche is what it's at, though.
You got your answer.
Yeah.
I mean, I'm not buying a Porsche.
You're getting it.
No, I'm not.
I was thinking – if we're being honest, I was thinking Range.
Range Rover?
Yeah.
And you think – wait.
Hold the fuck on.
You think Porsche is outlandish, but you're thinking Range Rover?
Yeah, I come from – yeah, a Porsche.
If you even – I don't think anyone in my family has ever been in a Porsche.
If you – it's a – okay.
Are you going to do, like, Land Rover Defender or straight-up Range Rover?
Discovery?
Wait a second.
I can't sit.
He got shot down on a Lincoln lease.
I did.
I got turned down.
All right.
And it wasn't even an elevator.
I got turned down trying to get him.
So what are we doing here?
What are you talking about?
You think I'm going to sit here and not say anything?
You tried to get a Lincoln, and they're like, get the fuck out of here?
He got shot down.
Dude, I was so embarrassed.
They handed me a Jeep Cherokee like it was an ice cream cone.
How long ago?
Two weeks ago.
It was within the calendar week.
This guy.
Dude, I wanted to –
Hey, what's your credit score?
It's a 750, I want to say.
Oh, then how'd you get turned down?
He's a bum.
What do you mean?
They wanted the Kia.
They wanted the Kia.
They wanted me to give them the Kia.
Dude, that's currently under construction right now.
Dude, they found four dudes in my Kia.
It was crazy.
So you go in there for a Lincoln what?
I went in for an aviator.
Those are dope.
It was just too big.
My wife's got to drive it.
That's too big?
For my wife to drive it.
The sunglasses on and everything.
Dude, I was –
Flight jacket.
I don't love it.
Were you feeling yourself?
You were like –
Dude, you about –
Did you do this?
Did you go like this when you were like –
Were you like, aviator?
Like that?
You guys take –
I was doing the hand signals to fucking land them.
You guys take Discover card here?
He was texting the group chat going,
Guys, I'm at the Lincoln dealership,
and then 20 minutes later tonight.
Yeah, dude.
Out the door.
It was an open floor plan.
I'm the only guy.
I'm like, fuck you.
I'm like, yeah, I'll take this.
Like real non –
Trying to be cool.
I was trying to be a guy.
I wasn't.
And man, they denied me and the whole place all –
I don't understand how you're denied.
Because my current car payment's like $238 a month.
It's a fucking –
Uh-huh.
It's a Kia.
So then they were like,
Yeah, no one goes from that.
They're like, we don't trust.
You've never made a car payment this big.
They're like, you're a drug dealer.
Yeah, for sure.
Yeah.
For sure.
And then he started going,
What can you get your hands on today?
And I'm like –
What can you get my hands on?
I was like, I'll buy the fuck –
I got real mad.
Yeah.
It turned into a –
I stormed out of a place once.
Really?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This was like –
It was a number of years ago,
but I was with Christina,
and she wanted a Volkswagen bug.
Okay.
So I go to the dealership and shows us one.
Then we go to his office,
and he was just like –
He was like, yeah, so I go, so –
What's a couple –
What are we talking about?
Were you rich at the time?
No.
Okay.
But it's like –
Here's the thing.
Like, we're just –
We look at the car,
having a conversation.
It's not like a very expensive car at the time.
Yeah.
Or just like –
Yeah, it's like –
So I go, can we look at, you know,
this other one?
Also, I wanted to see this.
And he goes,
Would you like this one?
And I go, yeah, I like it.
I just wanted to compare and see what else you have.
And he's like, well, you know,
if you –
Right away, he's like,
if you can't afford it, you know.
Oh, shit.
I was like –
I was like –
And I just looked at her.
I was like, let's go.
Fuck that.
And I stood up.
And I was going to walk out.
But before I went out,
I stopped in the sales manager's office.
And I didn't –
I just opened the door.
I saw him in there.
I go, this guy's a real piece of shit.
You fucking pay this guy?
And he was like, excuse me?
And I was like, this fucking –
I just went like on a rant.
I've done that at a couple dealerships.
Dude.
Where like I definitely walked out.
I was like, that was a little too much.
Well, you are a bit.
That's a real dad shit right there.
You have a –
It's a bit of a psycho side.
I mean, I feel like everyone has triggers for things.
Mine is definitely if you're –
Like if I'm disrespected.
Oh, that's yeah.
Yeah.
Embarrassed gets me bad.
I definitely think violence first.
Sure.
Hey, I'm right there with you.
I mean, assuming you can't afford a VW bug
is a pretty big insult.
I wanted to gut this guy on the floor.
Like I really did.
I wanted to disembowel him in front of the other salespeople.
Dude.
In front of your wife too.
Yeah.
It got even worse.
We were going to save this for Patreon,
but so I fucking –
I get the nod.
They come back.
They're like, they wanted me to put down a shit ton of money.
I was like, it's not happening.
I'm like, I don't even –
I just came –
I literally Google –
I just came to buy a car.
I need a car.
I'm without a car.
He's probably the same salesman.
He's like, all right.
He's like, listen, we got the price down as low as possible,
but that eats up all my commission.
Maybe you just like tip me 600 bucks in Vendor.
Tip me?
I said, get the fuck out of here, buddy.
I'm going.
This is real?
Yeah.
I swear to God, he goes,
you just give me 600 bucks as a tip on Vendor.
You buy it at a Starbucks?
I was like, dude, this ain't Craigslist.
Come get the fuck out of here.
All right.
So Range Rover.
If you work for Range Rover, hit me up.
Logical step.
Maybe me and you can split it.
You know the truck that the queen drove?
You're like, my family won't talk to me if I'm in a Porsche.
More of a GMC Jimmy kind of guy.
All right.
All right.
Embarrassing, to say the least.
Man.
Cars, man.
Yeah, let's get some more.
All right.
After that.
Yes.
Let's do a little digging.
All right.