Name: Is Iliza Shlesinger actually Garbage? | Are You Garbage
Uploaded: 2024-11-02T21:01:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Is Iliza Shlesinger actually Garbage? | Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Is Iliza Shlesinger actually Garbage? | Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-02. Transcript available.

Man.
Am I passing?
Am I failing?
Is it better to fail?
This is a lot of curveballs here.
I mean, you know, you grew up with an atrium, but also like you had every
possible relationship
of a sibling, which ain't great.
Your mom and your dad lived on the same street, but in separate houses.
It was a different trailer park.
No, it was a different.
You got Randy.
Close enough.
You worked at CeCe's Pizza.
Safari's.
I've had many jobs.
I've worked at a diner.
You stole from the mall.
I did steal from the mall.
You got a key made.
I worked at a seafood place.
I mean, that's like a heist.
She ate four lobsters at Truelox.
I can't get a read on it.
And you know who else was there that night?
And I'll never forget it.
Troy Aikman.
Really?
I remember that because I remember I went, this is so stupid.
Was he still playing?
No.
This was after that, but I went to the bathroom and his date was in there and
she farted.
And I told everyone that this woman like ripped one.
I'll always remember.
Hey, Troy.
Hey, Aikman loser.
You got a real one in there.
Remember that date that you went on in 1996?
She farted.
I don't, I genuinely, I mean, like we've said this before, but like this is,
the highs
are so high and the lows are low.
It's tricky.
You brush your teeth in the shower?
What's sick is that I'm anxiously awaiting your decision.
I genuinely.
In the shower sometimes.
If I'm really cold and I want to be in there longer, I'll bring all my things
in.
Okay.
Is it a waterfall shower?
There's three, there's the different settings.
Like there's the waterfall, the regular shower head, and then the wand.
You'll say you have three, you can come out of three different places?
Three different water orifices.
It's not a tub shower, right?
No.
But that's now, she's classy.
She's got cash.
Is that a thing?
What?
The tub and the shower, because I've seen really nice ones where it's all one.
You're saying it's not classy to have them together?
No, I wouldn't, I wouldn't, I'd imagine now that you're not, that you have a
shower that
you walk into.
It's not a, not like a, like a tub with the thing coming out in the curtain.
Right.
There's no curtain.
Okay.
It's a glass door.
Damn, you got glass door money.
Pretty good.
I gotta, I gotta call this, I don't know.
I don't think it's.
She's trash.
I mean, come on.
That's what you want on this podcast, right?
I say she, I don't know if I'm, she's gotta be.
Walks, I, I gotta, I, I'm split.
I gotta, I gotta call it split.
Yeah.
I mean.
Where I didn't go on my honeymoon, because I had that breakdown.
True.
Mental breakdown on the honeymoon.
Nice piece of property, no salt water pool.
Doesn't like deviled eggs.
Do I, do I wanna be, I wanna be trash.
Okay, so I won't tell you anything nice.
Like, I own another house.
Stash pulls out a little while.
Wait, you own another house too?
No.
Three properties.
But that's what you do when you get money, but the Kia Sportage.
That's murdered out.
You don't like that I have that Kia Sportage, because you had a shitty one, and
now you're
anti.
No, I under, no, no, no, no, no.
Because the Kia boys repossessed your car after a delinquent payment.
I found it.
They were sleeping, and they were high on drugs.
Oh, you found it?
Yeah, I found it with the cops.
Oh, it's like someone slept with your girlfriend, and now you don't like her,
or any girl named
Jeanette, because-
You know Jeanette?
I know Jeanette.
Do you eat in the car?
Sure.
Fast food?
No.
You're not a fast food person?
No.
The bean burrito on the plane, she's trash.
I can't get past that.
It was a turkey sandwich, sometimes.
But sometimes it's a burrito on a plane, I gotta say, you can't do that.
Okay.
But it's made by her husband, who's a chef.
He also had one.
We flew here together, and we had the-
Two burritos on a plane?
That's where I draw the fucking line.
It's pronounced dos burritos.
Chef's in town?
It's pronounced-
Chef's in town.
Basura, I love trash.
Yeah, she's trash.
In the present tense.
In the present tense.
Yeah.
So I meant there.
Only speak Spanish in the present tense.
Yeah, she's garbage.
What are we doing here?
Vacations at Club Med, come on.
Yeah.
Twice.
All right.
I wanted to be garbage.
You're trash.
I wanted to be relatable.
But you can walk in both worlds, I'll give you that.
Of course.
Yeah, I'm a shapeshifter.
Connection to Martha's Vineyard, the safari, Jethro Tull, though.
That's beyond my control.
Mom's a radio DJ.
Ladies and gentlemen, 100% trash, Elijah Schlesinger, everybody.
Yeah, thank you.
Wait, I didn't get to tell you my trash thing.
What is it?
Hit us.
Last night, we went to dinner, and afterward, I'm like, oh, my stomach feels, I
feel like
a little gassy, like a little pain.
My stomach hurts.
But we went to get pizza after dinner, and I was like, I'll just eat these two
pieces
of pizza really quickly to shove the pain down, and I'll just deal with it
later.
And then I had diarrhea.
But I wanted to eat the pizza after dinner so badly.
So I was like, I'll just, it'll be for my future self to deal with.
I'll just layer it on.
Should I just leave?
That's self-medical advice.
I appreciate that.
Just eat it really fast so you can have the pleasure, and then you're just
going to-
You'll deal with it later.
Where did you get the pizza?
La, um, La Industry?
La Industry.
La Industry.
Classy.
That's classy.
But she had diarrhea.
I did have diarrhea.
I didn't feel well.
Man.
Yeah, you're trash, buddy.
You're trash.
I didn't feel well.