Name: The Best Part of Money & Success | Stavros Halkias on Are You Garbage
Uploaded: 2024-11-09T13:01:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Best Part of Money & Success | Stavros Halkias on Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Best Part of Money & Success | Stavros Halkias on Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-09. Transcript available.

You know what I would shout out to we had in Chicago?
Professor Pizza?
You know that dude?
Yes, yes, yes.
He blew our dick.
Great pizza.
Great pizza.
Shout out to Professor P.
Mm-hmm.
Damn.
Unbelievable.
And then I assume you're picking up that check, right?
That's a work event.
Oh, yeah.
Come on.
You got it.
You got it.
That would be funny.
It would be so funny to be like, yeah, you guys want to split this?
It would be such a...
Or I'm like, get whatever you guys want.
Go crazy.
And you hit him with the Venmo request?
1845?
Yeah, yeah.
It feels not...
That is the most, like, immigrant shit that I'm just like...
I would be...
I literally would be offended if somebody tried to pay.
And it feels good to pick up the check.
Sure.
Yeah, of course.
When it's just your friends, when it's like...
Who are you not picking up the check with?
I mean...
Mostly you.
You got to be rich also.
You go down...
You go down...
Yeah, yeah.
It's like, if they're also rich, then it's like...
Well, and it depends how good a friend you are, you know.
Sure.
You know, it's like...
Let's say the three of us went out to dinner.
I'd pick it up, boys.
Sorry.
I would have to pick it up.
We would try.
Because there's two of us.
There is two of you.
That makes more sense of like...
That is true.
We're only picking up one guy's dinner.
Well, if I bring eldest...
Oh, yeah.
You're bringing an entourage?
You know, if it's just...
I was going to get a reservation.
If it's just us, then...
Yeah, I guess two to one.
I'd fight you for it, though.
Sure.
I'd love to fight for it.
I'd fight you for it.
And I might insist we go...
If you did beat me, I might insist we go get some dessert that I pick up or
something.
Ah, I love that.
You know?
It's funny, man.
You're also like, we weren't going to go get dessert.
Yeah, yeah.
I love how you're like, I'd suggest dessert.
I'd twist your arms.
That's the thing, too.
Money, no money.
Especially waiting tables for so long.
When I was a little kid, you know, my parents, they didn't do...
They did all right, but they didn't do great.
But if we went out to dinner with, like, my cousins or something, my dad and my
uncles
would, like, proper fight over the check.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no.
Get out of here.
No, no, no.
They would fight over it.
Yeah.
And then waiting tables, like, when I was waiting tables down at NYU, they'd be
like,
I didn't have this.
I don't want this.
Right, right, right.
I'm not paying for this.
Like, when did that culture change?
It's very normalized now, because you'll go somewhere, and they'll be like, how
many checks?
And you're like, just...
I hate that.
He takes it as a personal offense.
Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, you have flashbacks of being a waiter who has to do that.
Yeah, it's fucked up.
I mean, it's just like...
And you're right.
There is something to people who grew up rich that just, like...
I don't know, man.
It's not a very sharing thing.
Crazy.
Whereas, like, if you grow up poor, everybody shares everything.
You want to be the one who picks up the check.
Yeah.
You aspire to that.
Some people can't pick...
Like, some people...
You're like, oh, I got...
Like, there were so many times where I had to be covered by a buddy.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
And then I'm like, hey, a month later, I'm like, you got me at fucking O'Hannigan's
or
whatever.
Of course, of course, of course.
I'll get you at the Blarney's, too.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Shout out to O'Hannigan's.
Yeah, yeah.
Pay no other way around a fried mushroom.
I'll tell you that.
No, I mean, and, you know, I had...
Like, when I was in Baltimore, I had friends who, like, let me pay less rent
because I was
so broke.
Of course, yeah.
Of course.
They were like, yeah, just live.
You're a good hang.
Like, you know, we want to...
Stavi brings the vibes.
I really got, like, a $300 a month vibe voucher, like, to live in Baltimore.
It says that on the invoice.
Yeah.
And so I pick up every check.
I mean, I, like, it's...
I like...
That's the best part of...
It's the best.
That's honestly the best part of success this year has been, like, just picking
up every
check with my friends.
Yeah.
The fighting...
There's not a lot of fighting going on with my family anymore.
That used to...
There used to be, like, a please.
Now it's not even, like, a...
Now everyone's just looking at their phones when the check comes out.
Stavi's a good?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But it's like...
Stavi, we wrapped this up here?
I'd like maybe a slight pretending.
A reach, yeah.
Like, you know, the classic, like, date thing where it's, like, you want your
date to at
least, like, pretend...
Are you sure you don't want to split?
Pretend, you know what I mean?
I'd like a little bit of that.
Yeah, my mom really leaned into that shit real quick.
She put up a fight for about six months.
Now she's halfway out to the car.
Yeah.
Ripping a heater.
She's ordering to go as the check comes in.
She's like, no, no, no, no.
One more to go, please.
I want to feed the dog a skirt steak.
She's grabbing two live lobsters out of the tank on her way out the door.
Henry, did you pay for these?
I'm going to set these free.
These two.
I have a laundry list of people who have paid my way while we were fucking
super poor struggling.
Yes, yes, yes.
And I've definitely gotten...
I've made some pay...
Where I'm like, I've talked to them, I'm like, guys.
I'm never going to be able to come up with the number that it would be and cut
a check
because it's just been...
It was like a decade.
Yeah.
But I went to the Dominican Republic to pay for my buddy, took hair.
And I'm like, all right, I'm going to have to do it in events.
Of course.
Like, hey, I'll get this.
I'll bring you here.
We'll do this.
And it feels nice to finally be like...
Which is...
You really got the best of that trade.
I mean, look, they shouldn't have given you that much money.
They were also poor.
The odds of that paying off was so low.
Slim to nothing.
But the fact that they got...
What they got for their trouble was a depressed man on their couch.
Yes.
Very depressed.
And you got...
You get to see their smiles light up at the Dominican Republic.
It's just so not fair.
You were like a fucking cancer in their home.
Their smiles light up.
And you're also on vacation.
I know.
You're not.
It's a reason I get to go to the DR.
I'm like, you want it?
My wife's like, I don't want to go.
I'm like, all right, I'll take back.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you're not staying at the edge of the pool watching him swim like a dad
watching Little League.
Look at him go.
Yeah.
That's my brother.
My brother is on full scholarship with me for everything that I put him through.
Oh, of course.
Yeah, yeah.
He lets me know.
That about covers it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Take him at the pizza or something.
Of course, of course.
Well, you had the breadsticks.
Yeah.
I'm getting it from my brother.
He's like, I'm going to start cashing in some of those IOUs now.
Of course.
And you can, for sure.
Yeah, yeah.
It feels good.
It's just so weird to be like, all right, well, here's $500.
How are you going to monetarily do it?
I know.
There's no way to do that.
You just got to kind of, oh, I think you're doing it the right way.
Events, gifts, covering shit that comes up, you know.
I had a buddy that I owed $500 for for about $10.
It was Cassidy, wasn't it?
No, no, no.
That was back in Philly.
That was business.
Cassidy had a joke about it, but his excuse was, what?
You don't need it right now.
Yeah, yeah.
He was doing good.
That's a real dirtbag.
I know.
She's going to sit in your bank account.
Yeah.
No, I-
What, my money will sit in my bank account?
I owed my buddy from high school $500 for about 10 years, and I get you, I get
you, I get you.
Never fucking broke my balls about it once, and then stopped asking probably
seven years ago for it.
And he never asked for it.
I always, every time I'd see him, and then, I don't know, what was it, like a
year and a half ago, I hit him up.
I was like, hey-
Here's $250.
Yeah.
Give me another week.
I'll have the rest.
Yeah.
Hey, do you have $300 I could borrow?
Could you break $100?
But no, I went over to his house.
I was like, hey, I'm going to stop by.
I was like, all right, stop by.
Went over, I pulled the money out.
I was like, I was like half crying.
He's like, I'm like, listen, you never broke my balls about this.
I love you so much.
Here you go.
And he's like, I forgot I gave this to you.
Yeah.
By the way, do you have any idea how, like, what inflation has done to that $500?
It's like eight bucks.
When was this?
Ten years ago?
This was, yeah.
No, this was probably 15 years ago.
15 years ago.
Toby, can you check 500, the-
I don't need to do that.
No, no, no.
I'd love to see.
Thank you very much, Mr. Halkius.
I like this.
I like this narrative.
What's the money equivalent?
15 years ago was what, 2007?
Yeah.
It's probably, you probably owe him at least like 50 bucks.
There's a goddamn war on.
With inflation.
You owe him 260 bucks.
Still?
God damn it.
Matty, give me a couple of weeks, I'll get it to you.
This fucking guy, I thought he was going to do something nice.
I thought you were not taking him to the DR.
You're just giving him the money you owe him without interest.
You're giving him less money.
All right.
How about a couple of tickets to the Philly show?
You're crying over that.
Hey, man.
Oh, we're just zeroing him out.
You're fucking rich now.
It's always been a dream to partially pay you back.
It's been hanging over my head for years, man.
I didn't even think about that.
Put that in a T-bill, will you?
A couple of AYG t-shirts.
Gotta smooth that over.
Give him some Zippo style lighters.
Oh, my God.
Oh, man.
Fucking bastard.
You got that pretty goddamn quick, I'll tell you that.
It's like you had it fucking ready over there.
Could have said the internet was down or something.
Maybe look like an idiot in front of my friends.
Just a truly diabolical move for the gentleman from Astoria.
260.
Condoleezza Rice jamming me up.
This guy's a pro broadcaster over here.
Jesus Christ.
No big on that five words?
Oh, come on.
Man, fucking pink mist.
Fucking pink man down.
Wow.