Name: No One Wants To Be Called A PERV | Are You Garbage
Uploaded: 2024-11-12T13:30:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'No One Wants To Be Called A PERV | Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'No One Wants To Be Called A PERV | Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-12. Transcript available.

This one's from Foley Prepared.
Is it garbage if your parents swap spouses with another couple?
Stay with me, dot, dot, dot.
Mom and dad got divorced when I was six.
Mom remarried a guy, then my dad married that guy's ex-wife.
This isn't that from doing the show, doing the live show for the last four
years.
We've seen a lot of that.
Some of the guests that we've had lately.
Sure.
That's not that crazy anymore.
It's got to be smaller town.
Sure.
I doubt that's happening in Philadelphia, Chicago, Boston, New York, Los
Angeles.
Well, when people are in social groups.
That's true.
You know?
Listen, if I got divorced and my wife married a guy, I'd want to at least talk
to his ex-wife.
Be like, what are these fucking, you know what I mean?
So you at least get eyes on them.
If you didn't know them?
What?
If you didn't know them?
I would do a little poking around, at least.
Really?
Yeah, you want to.
I mean, sure.
You want to know the players of the game.
Huh.
Then you got to swing, if that's the case.
Everybody knows everything.
My buddy in college, his sister's husband had an affair.
Is this right?
His sister's husband had an affair.
No, no.
Yeah, his sister's husband had an affair.
Okay.
The wife of that guy.
No, the husband.
No, no, no.
Yeah.
Her husband slept with some other broad.
That lady's husband called his sister.
And was like, hey, you want to get in on this?
Yeah.
And get back at them?
Yeah.
And maybe that, did that do it?
Is that what?
Did that turn me on a little bit?
No, no.
I mean, I'm fucking slipping out of my seat over here.
Uh, I'm saying.
Talk about idling, huh?
That might clear the thing a little bit.
Of like, all right, you got me.
We got you back.
Let's all move forward amicably.
From what I remember, his sister freaked out and was like, don't ever call me
again.
You fucking pervert.
Dude, getting called a pervert sucks.
Dude, it hurts.
Even phonetically, pervert is a-
I didn't do nothing.
Yeah, man.
You call your hand in the cookie jar.
That's a Catholic guilt, man.
Pervert.
You fucking pervert.
What do you mean?
You little pervert.
It's Baywatch.
What the fuck?
Yeah, I know it.
It's on goddamn network TV.
Yeah.
An aunt would hit you with a pervert every day.
My uncle hit me with it.
My aunt Patty.
What are you, you perverts?
Hitting you with a dish towel or whatever.
Fucking can't jerk off for eight years.
No shit.
Put the fear of God in me, lady.
Fucking bastard.
Perverts.
Got me all fucked up.
Now I'm in therapy.
Uh-huh.
There's social structures of couples.
Sure.
And I got a story.
I got it.
I don't know if I ever told you this.
We were all real young, staying in my aunt's house.
My aunt Patty's house.
Uh-huh.
I'm pretty sure.
You're whacking it.
I was a little too young.
I was a little too young.
But-
What's too young?
18, 19.
I was saving myself for marriage.
Goddamn Kathleen.
Goddamn Kathleen.
I was open for business kindergarten.
Yeah.
I've told you that.
Yeah, I'd rub my willy on the linoleum floor in the basement.
I'm sure the janitor loved that.
I was at my house.
You're a dish operate.
Ah, shit.
Here comes that fat pervert again.
Nice cold floor.
Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
Cold floor will get you.
Oh, shit.
Hey, I'll be over in produce for a couple of minutes, Betty.
Make sure they slice the turkey thin this week.
You're laying on the ground mushing your wiener, squeezing a grapefruit.
You got a papaya open.
Oh, fuck me, dude.
Yeah.
I'd rub that down at my first house.
I'd rub it on there.
Yeah, but I mean, you're not-
You don't know what-
You just know that feels.
Oh, I knew what I was doing.
You just know that-
I was maybe-
I knew it was wrong.
I didn't want anybody to see me.
If I heard anybody at the top of the steps, I would stop.
A little pervert.
Yeah, well, your dad wasn't doing it.
You knew it was wrong.
That's the thing I learned it from.
That boy's a foley.
That boy got a little hound dog.
Woo-wee.
God damn.
That boy, you're a freak.
I'm my little willy.
And it was weird.
I knew to do it until a certain point.
Like, I knew I was working towards something.
That's in you.
That's fucking millions of years of animalistic.
Primal attraction.
Procreation, huh?
Boy's got a little reptile in him.
Hey, God damn right.
All right.
So you're at your Aunt Patty's.
So there's a lot of teenage boys staying there.
Okay.
Right?
Just my, it's all like the, it's like we would, we were like, it'd be the
summer, everybody
was working.
I got you.
Yeah, yeah.
My Aunt Patty would be down there and there would be like fucking eight kids or
whatever.
You know what I mean?
Little heathens running around.
Sure.
Smelling like B.O. and hormones.
Also, I don't know if I ever told you this.
We used to play basketball in her backyard.
Naked?
In the grass.
Oh, that's some poor shit.
You fucking pistol peach.
That's something from Alabama.
Like, shooting into a fucking peach basket.
I remember, dude, there was a playground like six blocks away and we'd be in
the backyard
playing basketball.
That's how you get your dribble on point.
Take that to the hard court.
Fucking start breaking ankles.
Talk about a free range shooter.
Yeah, I didn't, I look at, that just hit me.
I was like, what the fuck?
We used to play basketball in the dirt.
Crazy.
Jesus.
I don't know.
Dude, there was playgrounds.
There was a school right across the street.
Man.
But, I don't think we were allowed over there maybe or like certain kids weren't.
I don't remember.
But, I'm getting sidetracked here.
They relieved themselves of their pleasurable, you know.
Somebody came to the.
I gotcha.
The guilty.
The devil's got their hands on them.
Sure.
Sure.
And.
Where?
So, this is how it all, this is how it all unfolded.
And I, dude, no one in my family is probably ever taught.
I heard this from my cousins.
My old, like my brother's age cousins.
Uh-huh.
So, my aunt had just bought a brand new pair of sheets.
Put them on the, put them on the guest room bed.
Right?
And she probably like, you know.
Somebody broke those fuckers in.
Yeah, these are from pennies or something.
Like, they were like nice for some, but I don't know.
Like, she had clocked these, like, there was probably 15 pair, like, sheets in
the house,
like, from over 25, 30 years or whatever.
Uh-huh.
But this was like, I just bought these sheets.
I put them on and then, like, came back two, three days.
Something happened and the sheets were changed.
And she's like, I know I set them with my new.
I know I made this bed with these new sheets I got from pennies.
I had a coupon.
So, then she's got, like, G.I. Joe sheets on them from a single bed.
It's a queen.
They're all stretched out.
It's just towels.
I don't know what you're talking about here, Patty.
No, I didn't even have a bed.
I was a little man on the totem pole.
They just used to put us in the third floor attic.
No fucking, no air conditioner up there.
Just one of those little triangle window fans.
I remember looking back.
I was just talking to my cousin Sean about it.
I go, we all could have fucking died up there.
Like, proper August, middle of August, down the shore.
Fucking carbon dioxide poisoning.
The house didn't have central air.
So, it was just, like, a few window units in the house.
Jesus Christ.
And I used to sleep on one of those.
Basketball in the dirt, sleeping in the attic.
Fucking.
That's all they had.
They were doing.
Ejaculate on sheets.
So, whatever.
You got a lot going on here.
So, whoever did their business.
Uh-huh.
Took the sheets and hid them in the attic.
Upstate.
Nice.
Put them behind a box or something.
Remade the bed.
Thought mum was the word.
Little did they know, these were Patty's new sheets.
Sure.
And she ain't springing for sheets every weekend.
You know what I mean?
Pennies, nonetheless.
I know.
Pennies was banging.
So, it starts.
I, the ripples.
Everybody's in the house.
A lot of people.
This is like a flop house.
But it's going on.
This investigation is happening in real time.
Yeah.
This wasn't a cold case.
And she found it, like, in the fall.
No.
Okay.
This is, this is still a hot crime scene.
You know what I mean?
So, she finds him stuff, like, hidden.
And she's like, why the fuck?
And then, I guess, I don't know, Saul put two and two together.
Someone had, you know, someone went to Naughtyville.
And, you know, so she trashed the sheets, I think.
Maybe she still uses them.
I don't know.
No way she trashed them.
No.
I don't know.
Pennies?
Took them to the cleaners.
A little hot water would be all right.
And so, it was, I think she went.
A little hot water and a trip to the, trip to the archbishops.
Get these things blessed.
Get the Monsignor to get the fucking devil off of these things.
And now, they, she goes to somebody.
I don't know who.
But she goes to somebody in the, in the, the, the, the age group above me.
Of course.
Of like, I was too, it would be like, it's, it's clearly one of the 13-year-old,
14-year-old boys.
That would make you a real perv if it was you.
Yeah, I'm fucking seven.
Not even sleeping in that bed.
Seven already dropping loads.
Well, then it, well, it was.
This kid's got a little testosterone in him.
That's why my hair's falling out.
Uh...
Jeez.
It was then real easy because who slept in that, who was in that room at that.
Or who was sleeping good at night after.
He got six, he got eight and a half hours last night, slept like a baby.
Go find the kid passed down on the couch.
Wiping his mouth.
Smoking a cigarette.
Woo-wee, a penny.
Tapping his stomach.
Let's go with them eggs, girl.
Ah, I feel loose.
I don't know what it is.
Nothing like a great night's sleep, huh, gang?
Ah.
Ah.
Man.
Here's your Women's Day magazine.
Found it in the attic.
Okay.
So then they all started ratting each other out.
No, they were all like, you know, and also that group is thick as thieves,
right?
Like, they're like, I ain't fucking, they're no rats.
You know what I mean?
I mean, you'd have to assume that all of them had jerked off in the last 48
hours.
Sure.
One of them was doing it at the door in the conversation.
I got no idea.
So then it all came, it ended up being a guy of the same, of a gentleman of the
same
age group, but a quasi part of the family, a little bit of extended family who
was there
for a night or two.
And they were like, well, what the, we, they were like, we sleep in the air,
you keep us
in the fucking meat locker.
What are you talking about?
But it was a kid.
It was a, it was a teenage boy who.
Friend of the family.
Friend of the family.
Well, that's not that bad.
It's not family.
Fucking grab a paper.
That's what my cousin told me.
He goes, everybody does it because I was like young.
He goes, I mean, everybody does it, but get a paper towel or something.
He had no idea what he meant.
Shout out to my cousin, Liam.
Fucking put me on fucking, put me on the right path at a young age.
Sitting you down.
Yeah.
He's like, I mean, everybody.
We were walking on the Wildwoods boardwalk.
You got a pair of socks.
He goes, I mean, everybody does it, but you get a paper towel.
He's like 13.
Talk to me.
He's like a 60 year old guy.
I mean, a man's going to, a man's going to do what a man's going to do.
Chewing on an unlit cigar.
He's got a racing forum in his hand.
Hey, we've all been there, huh?
Yeah, you know?
No, but they all hung out together and you got to think, they all started
families younger
back then.
So they're like in their early 20s hanging out like that.
You look back, you know, them broads were good looking.
Your mom and her friends?
Not my mom.
My mom was beautiful.
My mom is beautiful.
I know.
Talk about a pervert.
Bounce a quarter off that thing.
You son of a bitch.
No, but when you look back.
It was her birthday recently.
They were all wearing those bikinis and shit like that.
Where were you hanging out with these broads and bikinis?
What the fuck are you talking about?
In the summer down the shore.
They had all that fucking Tropicana on them.
You were hanging out with your, you would go to the beach and your mom and your
aunts
and uncles and uncles ever to be wearing bikinis?
What are they?
What are they?
Disgusting.
What are they, playmates?
Who's wearing bikinis with kids like that on the beach?
Like in breastfed in the grotto?
Yeah.
No, but some of the ladies.
They're all doing beer bongs in the dunes?
Some of them wore bikinis.
All the dads are skimboarding?
Some of them wore bikinis.
Not my mom.
You classy broad.
She's got the figure for it.
Piece of shit.
It's a goddamn holidays.
Almost.
Yeah.
What, the piece, Denise was always in a one piece?
As far as I can remember, yeah.
Except when she was stripping.
I'm kidding.
I love you, man.
Good thing she don't work for the show.
But my uncles listened.
That was a joke.
Bikinis were big back then.
And they all had the Coppertone, not the Tropicana Coppertone.
They were all tanned up.
Whatever you say, Berber.
They had the sun in their hair.
Drinking those Michelobes with the foil.
Is it beer or Michelob?
That was Big Dan's drink for a long time.
Sure.

No One Wants To Be Called A PERV | Are You Garbage

This one's from Foley Prepared.
Is it garbage if your parents swap spouses with another couple?
Stay with me, dot, dot, dot.
Mom and dad got divorced when I was six.
Mom remarried a guy, then my dad married that guy's ex-wife.
This isn't that from doing the show, doing the live show for the last four
years.
We've seen a lot of that.
Some of the guests that we've had lately.
Sure.
That's not that crazy anymore.
It's got to be smaller town.
Sure.
I doubt that's happening in Philadelphia, Chicago, Boston, New York, Los
Angeles.
Well, when people are in social groups.
That's true.
You know?
Listen, if I got divorced and my wife married a guy, I'd want to at least talk
to his ex-wife.
Be like, what are these fucking, you know what I mean?
So you at least get eyes on them.
If you didn't know them?
What?
If you didn't know them?
I would do a little poking around, at least.
Really?
Yeah, you want to.
I mean, sure.
You want to know the players of the game.
Huh.
Then you got to swing, if that's the case.
Everybody knows everything.
My buddy in college, his sister's husband had an affair.
Is this right?
His sister's husband had an affair.
No, no.
Yeah, his sister's husband had an affair.
Okay.
The wife of that guy.
No, the husband.
No, no, no.
Yeah.
Her husband slept with some other broad.
That lady's husband called his sister.
And was like, hey, you want to get in on this?
Yeah.
And get back at them?
Yeah.
And maybe that, did that do it?
Is that what?
Did that turn me on a little bit?
No, no.
I mean, I'm fucking slipping out of my seat over here.
Uh, I'm saying.
Talk about idling, huh?
That might clear the thing a little bit.
Of like, all right, you got me.
We got you back.
Let's all move forward amicably.
From what I remember, his sister freaked out and was like, don't ever call me
again.
You fucking pervert.
Dude, getting called a pervert sucks.
Dude, it hurts.
Even phonetically, pervert is a-
I didn't do nothing.
Yeah, man.
You call your hand in the cookie jar.
That's a Catholic guilt, man.
Pervert.
You fucking pervert.
What do you mean?
You little pervert.
It's Baywatch.
What the fuck?
Yeah, I know it.
It's on goddamn network TV.
Yeah.
An aunt would hit you with a pervert every day.
My uncle hit me with it.
My aunt Patty.
What are you, you perverts?
Hitting you with a dish towel or whatever.
Fucking can't jerk off for eight years.
No shit.
Put the fear of God in me, lady.
Fucking bastard.
Perverts.
Got me all fucked up.
Now I'm in therapy.
Uh-huh.
There's social structures of couples.
Sure.
And I got a story.
I got it.
I don't know if I ever told you this.
We were all real young, staying in my aunt's house.
My aunt Patty's house.
Uh-huh.
I'm pretty sure.
You're whacking it.
I was a little too young.
I was a little too young.
But-
What's too young?
18, 19.
I was saving myself for marriage.
Goddamn Kathleen.
Goddamn Kathleen.
I was open for business kindergarten.
Yeah.
I've told you that.
Yeah, I'd rub my willy on the linoleum floor in the basement.
I'm sure the janitor loved that.
I was at my house.
You're a dish operate.
Ah, shit.
Here comes that fat pervert again.
Nice cold floor.
Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
Cold floor will get you.
Oh, shit.
Hey, I'll be over in produce for a couple of minutes, Betty.
Make sure they slice the turkey thin this week.
You're laying on the ground mushing your wiener, squeezing a grapefruit.
You got a papaya open.
Oh, fuck me, dude.
Yeah.
I'd rub that down at my first house.
I'd rub it on there.
Yeah, but I mean, you're not-
You don't know what-
You just know that feels.
Oh, I knew what I was doing.
You just know that-
I was maybe-
I knew it was wrong.
I didn't want anybody to see me.
If I heard anybody at the top of the steps, I would stop.
A little pervert.
Yeah, well, your dad wasn't doing it.
You knew it was wrong.
That's the thing I learned it from.
That boy's a foley.
That boy got a little hound dog.
Woo-wee.
God damn.
That boy, you're a freak.
I'm my little willy.
And it was weird.
I knew to do it until a certain point.
Like, I knew I was working towards something.
That's in you.
That's fucking millions of years of animalistic.
Primal attraction.
Procreation, huh?
Boy's got a little reptile in him.
Hey, God damn right.
All right.
So you're at your Aunt Patty's.
So there's a lot of teenage boys staying there.
Okay.
Right?
Just my, it's all like the, it's like we would, we were like, it'd be the
summer, everybody
was working.
I got you.
Yeah, yeah.
My Aunt Patty would be down there and there would be like fucking eight kids or
whatever.
You know what I mean?
Little heathens running around.
Sure.
Smelling like B.O. and hormones.
Also, I don't know if I ever told you this.
We used to play basketball in her backyard.
Naked?
In the grass.
Oh, that's some poor shit.
You fucking pistol peach.
That's something from Alabama.
Like, shooting into a fucking peach basket.
I remember, dude, there was a playground like six blocks away and we'd be in
the backyard
playing basketball.
That's how you get your dribble on point.
Take that to the hard court.
Fucking start breaking ankles.
Talk about a free range shooter.
Yeah, I didn't, I look at, that just hit me.
I was like, what the fuck?
We used to play basketball in the dirt.
Crazy.
Jesus.
I don't know.
Dude, there was playgrounds.
There was a school right across the street.
Man.
But, I don't think we were allowed over there maybe or like certain kids weren't.
I don't remember.
But, I'm getting sidetracked here.
They relieved themselves of their pleasurable, you know.
Somebody came to the.
I gotcha.
The guilty.
The devil's got their hands on them.
Sure.
Sure.
And.
Where?
So, this is how it all, this is how it all unfolded.
And I, dude, no one in my family is probably ever taught.
I heard this from my cousins.
My old, like my brother's age cousins.
Uh-huh.
So, my aunt had just bought a brand new pair of sheets.
Put them on the, put them on the guest room bed.
Right?
And she probably like, you know.
Somebody broke those fuckers in.
Yeah, these are from pennies or something.
Like, they were like nice for some, but I don't know.
Like, she had clocked these, like, there was probably 15 pair, like, sheets in
the house,
like, from over 25, 30 years or whatever.
Uh-huh.
But this was like, I just bought these sheets.
I put them on and then, like, came back two, three days.
Something happened and the sheets were changed.
And she's like, I know I set them with my new.
I know I made this bed with these new sheets I got from pennies.
I had a coupon.
So, then she's got, like, G.I. Joe sheets on them from a single bed.
It's a queen.
They're all stretched out.
It's just towels.
I don't know what you're talking about here, Patty.
No, I didn't even have a bed.
I was a little man on the totem pole.
They just used to put us in the third floor attic.
No fucking, no air conditioner up there.
Just one of those little triangle window fans.
I remember looking back.
I was just talking to my cousin Sean about it.
I go, we all could have fucking died up there.
Like, proper August, middle of August, down the shore.
Fucking carbon dioxide poisoning.
The house didn't have central air.
So, it was just, like, a few window units in the house.
Jesus Christ.
And I used to sleep on one of those.
Basketball in the dirt, sleeping in the attic.
Fucking.
That's all they had.
They were doing.
Ejaculate on sheets.
So, whatever.
You got a lot going on here.
So, whoever did their business.
Uh-huh.
Took the sheets and hid them in the attic.
Upstate.
Nice.
Put them behind a box or something.
Remade the bed.
Thought mum was the word.
Little did they know, these were Patty's new sheets.
Sure.
And she ain't springing for sheets every weekend.
You know what I mean?
Pennies, nonetheless.
I know.
Pennies was banging.
So, it starts.
I, the ripples.
Everybody's in the house.
A lot of people.
This is like a flop house.
But it's going on.
This investigation is happening in real time.
Yeah.
This wasn't a cold case.
And she found it, like, in the fall.
No.
Okay.
This is, this is still a hot crime scene.
You know what I mean?
So, she finds him stuff, like, hidden.
And she's like, why the fuck?
And then, I guess, I don't know, Saul put two and two together.
Someone had, you know, someone went to Naughtyville.
And, you know, so she trashed the sheets, I think.
Maybe she still uses them.
I don't know.
No way she trashed them.
No.
I don't know.
Pennies?
Took them to the cleaners.
A little hot water would be all right.
And so, it was, I think she went.
A little hot water and a trip to the, trip to the archbishops.
Get these things blessed.
Get the Monsignor to get the fucking devil off of these things.
And now, they, she goes to somebody.
I don't know who.
But she goes to somebody in the, in the, the, the, the age group above me.
Of course.
Of like, I was too, it would be like, it's, it's clearly one of the 13-year-old,
14-year-old boys.
That would make you a real perv if it was you.
Yeah, I'm fucking seven.
Not even sleeping in that bed.
Seven already dropping loads.
Well, then it, well, it was.
This kid's got a little testosterone in him.
That's why my hair's falling out.
Uh...
Jeez.
It was then real easy because who slept in that, who was in that room at that.
Or who was sleeping good at night after.
He got six, he got eight and a half hours last night, slept like a baby.
Go find the kid passed down on the couch.
Wiping his mouth.
Smoking a cigarette.
Woo-wee, a penny.
Tapping his stomach.
Let's go with them eggs, girl.
Ah, I feel loose.
I don't know what it is.
Nothing like a great night's sleep, huh, gang?
Ah.
Ah.
Man.
Here's your Women's Day magazine.
Found it in the attic.
Okay.
So then they all started ratting each other out.
No, they were all like, you know, and also that group is thick as thieves,
right?
Like, they're like, I ain't fucking, they're no rats.
You know what I mean?
I mean, you'd have to assume that all of them had jerked off in the last 48
hours.
Sure.
One of them was doing it at the door in the conversation.
I got no idea.
So then it all came, it ended up being a guy of the same, of a gentleman of the
same
age group, but a quasi part of the family, a little bit of extended family who
was there
for a night or two.
And they were like, well, what the, we, they were like, we sleep in the air,
you keep us
in the fucking meat locker.
What are you talking about?
But it was a kid.
It was a, it was a teenage boy who.
Friend of the family.
Friend of the family.
Well, that's not that bad.
It's not family.
Fucking grab a paper.
That's what my cousin told me.
He goes, everybody does it because I was like young.
He goes, I mean, everybody does it, but get a paper towel or something.
He had no idea what he meant.
Shout out to my cousin, Liam.
Fucking put me on fucking, put me on the right path at a young age.
Sitting you down.
Yeah.
He's like, I mean, everybody.
We were walking on the Wildwoods boardwalk.
You got a pair of socks.
He goes, I mean, everybody does it, but you get a paper towel.
He's like 13.
Talk to me.
He's like a 60 year old guy.
I mean, a man's going to, a man's going to do what a man's going to do.
Chewing on an unlit cigar.
He's got a racing forum in his hand.
Hey, we've all been there, huh?
Yeah, you know?
No, but they all hung out together and you got to think, they all started
families younger
back then.
So they're like in their early 20s hanging out like that.
You look back, you know, them broads were good looking.
Your mom and her friends?
Not my mom.
My mom was beautiful.
My mom is beautiful.
I know.
Talk about a pervert.
Bounce a quarter off that thing.
You son of a bitch.
No, but when you look back.
It was her birthday recently.
They were all wearing those bikinis and shit like that.
Where were you hanging out with these broads and bikinis?
What the fuck are you talking about?
In the summer down the shore.
They had all that fucking Tropicana on them.
You were hanging out with your, you would go to the beach and your mom and your
aunts
a