Name: Joey Diaz Has The Boys DYING Laughing | Are You Garbage
Uploaded: 2024-11-16T13:01:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joey Diaz Has The Boys DYING Laughing | Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Joey Diaz Has The Boys DYING Laughing | Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-16. Transcript available.

How do you feel about somebody playing the acoustic guitar at a party?
For the audio listeners, his eyes just shut.
I'd rather get shot in the fucking head.
You know, it all depends.
It depends what kind of licks they got.
Like if somebody goes up and they're doing like Light Beetle songs.
Okay.
You know, but it's that one idiot that wants to go out there
and thinks he's Jimmy Page.
It's like when you're on a plane.
Sunday morning, and I fucking hate this,
and I always get deemed for saying this.
When you're on a plane, and all of a sudden you hear boop, boop, boop, boop.
And this guy's in 33E.
He's in the back of the fucking plane,
but he wants to come out with like a bass.
Uh-huh.
Like the big stand-up bass.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're like, listen, if you ain't in Led Zeppelin,
that shit gets checked in.
Yeah, that's going under, right?
If I don't know you from a video on MTV, check it.
But you're going to fuck up everybody's world with your fucking trumbones.
Yeah, yeah.
Or whatever the fuck it is.
You know, last week when I went to Austin,
the guy came on with like a guitar for a fucking giant.
A Chinese kid.
That was a cello or something.
You know, unless he's a fucking guitar player
for those five little Koreans that jump up and down,
why is he bringing that fucking guitar on his plane?
They told you at the gate,
we're fucking fully loaded.
We're not going to have room.
This guy wants to, you know, 33E.
He's in the dungeon to boot.
I could see if he was in first class to not grow heat.
The dungeon.
They're in the dungeon.
You ever see him?
Like they got that look on their face?
Go in the dungeon.
The lights are flickering and shit back there.
You're like in the fucking extra leg seat.
Who's sucking my dick?
And all of a sudden this guy walked past.
He's sad.
He's got bad breath.
He's got a, he doesn't even have a Starbucks coffee.
It's like a competitor, a Starbucks.
And he's walking past you.
And you know he's headed to the dungeon.
And you look at him and you give him like that signal.
Get to the dungeon.
Get down there, bozo.
33E.
That's all right.
Okay.
Okay.
Huh.
Do you have, when, have you ever,
have you ever done karaoke?
I used to.
Used to.
Not like a fucking Indian person.
They love it.
They go in there and sing Journey and shit, right?
But they take that shit seriously.
They got that little spray, waka, waka, waka.
Oh.
Okay.
But you would go from time to time?
Nah.
When I lived in Boulder, there wasn't enough open mics.
Okay.
So I'd sign up.
You know, like I'd get there.
What are you going to sing today, Joey?
A whole lot of love.
And I'd go up there and belt the first line.
A whole lot.
Listen, let me talk to you about what happened today.
And I'd belt it to karaoke.
Get out.
Get out.
And then one time, me,
while I lived in Seattle,
me, Josh Wolfe, Brody,
a bunch of us one night,
let's crash this karaoke place.
Same thing.
What song do you want to sing?
You know, whatever.
Kenny Rogers.
Then you get up there, fuck lady.
Start doing crowd work.
Fuck lady.
What do you do, man?
Why don't you ask him if he likes karaoke?
Is that where it all started?
It all started off karaoke.
Karaoke.
Oh, Joey.
Okay.
Oh, man.
Oh, man.
The brain of Joey Diaz.
God, my head hurts.
You like a quiche?
You enjoy quiche?
What the fuck?
This is a f***ing hour here.
It's where they f***ing quiche.
Quiche or quiche?
It was a quiche.
Nobody's eaten quiche in 20 f***ing years.
Remember the first time somebody gave you a quiche
in Philadelphia?
You're like, what's this?
No, it's a quiche.
It's a new invention.
Listen, how about I take this new invention
and f***ing show it up your ass.
Give me my two eggs sunny side up
with f***ing plenty of radioactive materials.
All right.
You're eating this f***ing quiche.
That s*** went over fast.
That quiche s***.
No one's eaten quiche in 20 years, guys.
No.
That's what he ate you with.
I don't like French toast.
I don't like quiche.
I'm crying.
Wait, you said you don't like French toast?
I don't like syrup.
I don't like syrup.
Oh, God, dude.
I'm crying.
All right.
Jesus Christ, Joey.
All right.
Okay.
All right.
Ooh.
What do you got, big guy?
I'm not going to need a minute.
Dude.
My abs hurt.
I'm not going to need a minute.
I'm not going to need a minute.
I'm not going to need a minute.