Name: The NIGHTMARE of Waiting Tables in NYC | Dan Soder on Are You Garbage
Uploaded: 2024-11-17T13:00:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The NIGHTMARE of Waiting Tables in NYC | Dan Soder on Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The NIGHTMARE of Waiting Tables in NYC | Dan Soder on Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-17. Transcript available.

The NIGHTMARE of Waiting Tables in NYC | Dan Soder on Are You Garbage

Have you both waited tables?
Yes.
I bust for a long time.
Well, you're in the shit more than a waiter.
Sure.
I was waiting tables five years ago.
Fuck.
Yeah.
I was bussing tables last week, Dan.
You're going to pick up a shift after this podcast.
We've got to wrap this up.
The soda's long-winded, huh?
Yeah.
This guy's got voices and stories.
I'll catch the swing shift.
Did you ever wait on a table where the kids were making a mess and they didn't
care?
And the parents didn't stop them?
No, I only did it at nicer restaurants.
He probably was in the shit.
Countless times.
Yeah.
Towards the end of my tenure at Bear Burger, I had a real bad situation where I
was close
to the point where if I said fuck it and walked out, I maybe would have been
okay because I
was hosting a lot at New York.
Sure.
At New York Comedy Club.
So maybe I was okay.
And I always had that in the back of my head.
And for the 15 years that I waited tables, that's the dream.
Fuck this.
I'm out of here.
Fucking throw something.
I used to jerk off to that.
Oh, and I had this, I talk about it all the time, I had this study group from
NYU that
would come in like every Wednesday and they were the big-
Were you at the Bear Burger over on LaGuardia?
You're goddamn right I was.
I don't know which one that was.
Yeah.
That's a tough draw, dude.
Yeah.
You got NYU, you got West Village.
That ain't great wood traffic.
No.
Man.
You always got to look around.
Because if I was thinking like Bear Burger, Astoria, I'm like, how you dealing
with-
Still people, you know, you know.
Real people.
No, this was-
Soul of the earth.
Yeah.
A lot of people were great, but some of those NYU kids and faculty-
Because you're right there.
You're at NYU.
And they weren't paying for it.
It was one professor paying it.
So these other professors, they were such fucking dickheads.
Like, would just-
I'd be taking an order at the table next to them.
They would come in and walk right up to me and be like, hey, can I get this?
And it's just like, dude-
And you're doing that on those-
On the Toast Pads.
They have the little computers.
Yeah, so I could do it right there.
But it fucks up the flow.
You know how it is.
There's a system here.
And you're like, I want to tell a teacher.
It's great to tell a teacher, you go, sit down.
Oh, dude.
Sit down.
I will talk to you when I am ready.
Raise your hand.
I really fucking started to let go.
Nothing is better than a waiter on their way out.
Oh, man.
Not giving a fuck.
When I was in Midtown-
When I was in Midtown, I'd be like, like at the end of my Dos Caminos career, I'd
be like,
oh, you didn't get your guacamole?
Well, who gives a fucking fuck?
I'm all guy ghosts.
Spill their milk.
I did Montreal.
Suck my dick.
Suck it.
Yeah, dude.
Dude, I had a guy, like a wealthy guy with his kids.
And you could tell his kids grew up in a little bit of cash.
Because they knew, like, truffles, and they knew all this shit.
Yeah, that's crazy.
If you don't know a chocolate truffle, if you know what a real truffle is when
you're a kid,
you got money.
I don't even need a smack.
But this kid ordered something, and I specifically went over what it was.
And he said, yeah, I want that.
And, like, first of all, he's talking to me like I'm a fucking jerk off.
It wasn't going through the dad.
It was going-
The kid was fucking talking to me.
They're, like, annoyed with you?
Yeah, like being a dickhead.
This fat man's looking at me.
And I'm about to sneeze.
Yeah.
Let it rip.
And I go back, and I come back, and he's like, he doesn't like this.
He's like, he didn't know that it had this on.
And I'm like-
I told him it did.
Dude, I fucking told you that it did.
And I'm like, okay, well, you know, can I get this?
And you know the table that just is a dick to be a dick?
Yeah, oh, yeah.
It's like, let me take it back, and I'll get one free.
No, don't worry.
No, it's fine.
I don't want you to-
No, no.
You're going to ruin it more.
Yeah, exactly.
And the guy fucking stiffed me.
And it was like a fucking $200 bill.
And they just left all their shit thrown on the fucking table.
Man, it was one of the straws.
I did end up walking out of there, right?
It was one day I just fucking walked out.
I don't think you-
I don't know if you-
I waited until the shift was over.
I think you were asked to stop coming in, to be honest with you.
No, not that one.
That was the other place.
That's just insane that just tip-
You have to make such a fucking conscious effort to not tip.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Europeans, you let them get away with it a little bit, but they know.
Man, sometimes, though, you would like-
I remember I was working, like, cafe season was crazy.
And I was working a dinner shift because I had zero money.
And I was just this European, these two European women.
I want to say Eastern European.
Just, I knew they weren't going to tip me.
So I was talking very fast.
I could tell they couldn't understand English.
And by the end, I was like, here's your check.
You two weren't bad, but I know you're not going to tip me.
So God bless.
Have a good night or whatever.
I went back.
They tipped me 40%.
Like, they knew what I was saying.
And I was like, you feel like such a dickhead.
Yeah.
You're like, oh, fuck.
But I've had people that-
The worst people are the people that tell you they're fucking you over with the
tip.
And then they tell you that normally they are very good tippers.
Sure.
Oh, fuck that.
There's also-
Where they're like, normally-
I don't normally do this.
Fuck you.
This woman came in right as we opened.
Because I was a lunch waiter.
I only did lunch shifts.
Lunch shifts are great.
Yeah.
I could walk with 100, 110.
You're leaving at 4, 5 o'clock.
5 o'clock.
It's still light out in the spring.
Done.
Summer.
I'd go home.
Hey, can you stay?
No.
What are you, nuts?
I'd go home, wash my face and my neck.
I'd take a 10-minute nap, and then I'd go do sets.
Like a detective?
Yeah.
I seriously would put water on and be like-
Oh, man.
Which is a great deal.
And I'd put my hand against the wall and go like-
Yeah.
And then I'd go lay down for 10 minutes.
I'd get up.
Put your gun back in the drawer.
And then I'd wake up, rip a Camelite on the way to Dunkin', see the Indian gals,
grab
a coffee, jump on the train, and come home.
But I remember this woman came in right as we opened, and she sat at the bar.
They were like, seating's not open yet.
And the woman's like, it's fine.
I'll just eat at the bar.
So she ordered a Cobb salad.
And then I was closing lunch on the cafe, so I had the best section.
I had the front of the cafe.
And there's like a little two-top side thing or whatever.
So I'm like waiting.
I'm like polishing my silverware, setting everything up.
And then this woman just sits down.
She's like one of these older women that's like in her 70s with brand new tits,
like brand
new fake.
Like they were like high and tight or whatever.
I like that.
And she was just real like Upper East Side energy.
And she just sat in my section.
And I was like, oh, hi.
Can I help you?
And she goes, yeah, I was in the bar, but I want to sit outside.
And I was like, oh, did you talk to a hostess?
And she was like, what?
And she like brought her.
And I was like, oh, OK.
Well, the bartender is your server.
I fucking hate that.
So I was like, I don't know what you want me to do.
And she's like, and then the bartender's like, I, the girl was like, I
transferred the ticket
to you.
And I was like, oh, thanks.
And so I drop her Cobb salad off.
And then it's a lunch rush.
You get hit.
Sure.
You know what it is.
You get like, you get double sat.
Next thing you know, your whole section.
Fucking case on.
It is all or nothing.
It's very stressful to be a lunch waiter in New York.
And if the place isn't properly staffed, there is no way that you can do the
whole spiel
that they want you to do.
They want you to do a lot of things.
And plus, they're all in a rush.
They're all in lunch hours.
They're like, hey, I got to go back.
Hey, we have 40 minutes.
Hey, bring the check right away.
Unrealistic expectations.
Always.
Always.
And they always have the energy of, and I understand this.
They want to eat fast so that they have a little extra time to themselves.
And we're at the base of a very big office room.
That ain't my story.
But you're not dealing, you're not fucking, you might not have the kitchen on
lock.
It might be the fucking guy behind the, in the kitchen that doesn't like you.
That's not going to get your shit fast.
Or they order margaritas, bartender's running behind because he's, they're
slammed.
The food hits the table before the drinks, freak out.
Or the guacamole's taking a while because guacamole was like their big thing.
And there was like a guac bar with all these like teenagers that were just
working for hourly,
just mashing avocados.
So my section fills up immediately.
Immediately.
And so I can't really give this lady any attention, but I keep going by being
like,
you all right, you all right.
And she's like eating her Cobb salad.
Finally, she goes, can I just get my check?
Like that.
And I was like, uh, yeah, everything all right?
And she's like, I would like to talk to a manager.
And I was like, uh, okay.
But first I want this salad boxed up.
And also there's no pinto beans on this.
And you should know your, your menu because normally, and I, oh, I said, uh,
well, there's
no beans on that salad.
And she goes, yes, there are.
You should learn your product.
There's, or however she said.
I didn't take the order, lady.
Dude, that's exactly what I thought.
And she goes, so I want pinto beans.
And I was like, oh, you want some pinto beans on that to box up?
And she was like, yeah.
Some dingleberries.
So I was friends with, I was friends with the line cooks.
You gotta be.
Because either say you get food.
You gotta be.
And I was friends with the chef.
And so I went downstairs and I was like, hey, chef, it was right, it's like,
you know,
lunch rush is building.
And I go, can I get a bowl of steamed pinto beans?
Like a cartoonishly large bowl.
And I just took this bowl of pinto beans and dumped it on her salad and boxed
it up and
then tied it tight in the to-go bag.
And I brought it to her.
And then she like showed me the check and she did that.
She goes, normally I'm a very good tipper, but you weren't nice to me.
And I was like, well, you weren't my table.
And she was like.
And you also weren't nice, lady.
It's a two-way street, you dumb bitch.
Dude, and she tipped me six cents.
Oh, fuck.
And she went like, next time be nicer and you should get a better tip.
And it just ruined that shift.
That fucking sucks.
Dude, how long ago was that?
12 years ago.
And you're thinking about it right now.
I was so mad.
Fucking insane.
I had to go smoke a cigarette mid-shift.
I looked at my manager.
I go, hey, if you want me to be useful at all, I gotta go rip a butt right now.
I gotta go catch a eating.
And I'd just go stand next to the super runner shop and have the Russian guy
come out and
go, do not smoke in front of store.
And I'd go, fuck you.
I'm in the weeds, man.
If I was in a mood, dude, and he'd come out, I would just talk shit to him.
I'd be like, what do you want me to stand?
Fucking Taco Bell?
Because there's a Taco Bell right there.
And he's like, oh, look, get out of the way.
And then I'd come back in and the managers at the pre-shift meeting would be
like, some
of you guys are standing in front of the super runner shop when you're smoking.
You can't do that.
Everybody knows the truth.
I was like, it's me.
Nothing better than a waiter fucking with nothing to lose.
Oh, my God.
At the end of the road.
And especially when guys are like, there's people that are dickheads thinking
they're
proving a point.
You're like, you're not proving a point.
You're just being a dickhead to a guy that doesn't want to be here.
I never understood that.
We always, we were taught to like, we're in their way.
Like as kids, I think it's a very blue collar thing of like, hey man, ever