Name: The HILARIOUS (Un)True Childhood of Harland Williams | Are You Garbage
Uploaded: 2024-11-18T14:00:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The HILARIOUS (Un)True Childhood of Harland Williams | Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The HILARIOUS (Un)True Childhood of Harland Williams | Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-18. Transcript available.

You're a Canadian guy.
Is there Amish up in Canada?
Yeah.
There are.
Ish.
Ish.
Amish-ish.
Yeah.
Are they like Mennonites?
They're sort of Amish, but ish.
They're Amish-ish.
Are they on the outskirts?
I don't know if they wear dresses.
I mean, guy.
Man, he's quick, huh?
Well, if you're going to be nosy.
That was the most Canadian thing.
You're going to be nosy.
Hey, do you mind your own business, fella?
Yeah, www.mindyourownbusiness.
How about that-ish.
Dot com.
Ish.
Backslash.
Dot CA if it's Canadian.
No, replace it with dot-ish.
Dot-ish.
The Amish.
Dot-ish.
Yeah, give us a scoop where you grew up.
Oh, yeah.
Okay, so we were a farm family.
Really?
Grew up in, like, we call ourselves corn people.
We grew up, like, crops, corn, farming.
What part of Canada?
We were in the rural part, outside of, just outside of a town called New Market.
Is that on the east, west?
That's about, she's about-
That is some country.
She's about-
She's about probably, I'd say about an hour 25 north of Toronto.
Okay.
The big city.
Okay, gotcha.
Biggest city in Canada, Toronto.
Right.
So we were corn people, and we ran about, I want to say 600 acres, but it was
just under.
It was about-
Family farm?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Was it in your family before your parents had it?
Yeah, yeah, handed down, and so we were corn folk and loved corn.
Were you, I assume you were working on the farm at an early age?
Yeah, we were always up early, early, like, sometimes five in the morning.
Oh, shit.
John Deering it up.
What were your responsibilities?
Well, we had to collect the corn.
We had to, like, my dad got me rigged up in the John Deere at, like, an early
age.
Oh, kid?
Like, yeah, like, I don't know if I can get in trouble for this, but we were
sort of
like, we were like underage tractor drivers.
I think the statute of limitations has passed.
I know, but I just feel weird.
Like, my dad, he's in his 90s, and I'd hate to see him get arrested at this age,
but-
Mr. Williams, we need to talk.
Yeah, you're the punk we're looking for.
He'd wake us up and taught us how to ride the rigs around, and, you know, it
was great.
I mean, it sounds like a big operation.
And how many of there were you?
Well, I had four sisters, and I was the only guy.
Really?
Older or younger?
I was in the middle.
Whoa.
So, yeah, it was toughy.
It's hard to have friends when you're out there.
Sure.
This is a little embarrassing, but Corky, the scarecrow, was-
Well.
We had a scarecrow, and I was sort of like, you know, you don't want friends
when you're
way out there.
Sure.
You don't have, you're not going to play with the girls.
Right.
And my dad put this wonky scarecrow.
It was kind of creepy, to be honest, but I nicknamed him Corky, and I would
talk to him.
I would go out in the corn and talk to him.
It's like Canadian Castaway.
Yeah.
He was sort of like my, sort of my-
Like imaginary friend.
Imaginary friend, but to me, he was very real.
And I'd get mad when crows came around.
Like, I'd get really sort of pissed me off.
I thought they were sort of taunting him and, you know, messing with him.
What was the school situation?
Homeschooled.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah.
No kidding.
Who did the teach-in?
Mom?
My mom did most of it, but I did, I went to night school, so my dad did, he
went, he came
into my room at night, and we read Curious George, we read Where the Wild
Things Are, all
the books.
Whoa.
Yeah.
I think you might be the first homeschooled guest we've had.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Up until when?
Right up till prom, and then it's great.
In Canada, they did grade 13, right?
Okay.
So grade, right up to grade 13, and then I graduated in the living room, and
then we
went out into the world from there.
Is he fucking with this?
I don't know.
I think he's fucking with this.
What do you mean?
Wait, what do you mean up until prom?
Did you go to prom?
Yeah.
In the living room.
We had it at the house.
It was me and Gorky, split a limo.
What the?
What?
Who'd you take to prom?
My mom.
Hello?
I'm not going to take one of my stupid sisters.
That'd be weird.
Yeah.
Were you really homeschooled?
Yes.
No shit.
Yeah.
The whole way through, through high school?
Yeah.
You didn't graduate high school?
Well, I graduated my house.
Yeah.
That's crazy.
Yeah, he got a certificate of something.
Well, I got a lease.
I got a deed.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
From the-
From my parents.
From your parents.
Yeah.
They gave you-
What was the highest math that you took in the house?
Probably, like, nine times ten?
Yeah.
So no one taught you, like, trigonometry or catacal algebra?
I ain't no academic, I'll tell you that.
Did you go to college?
I thought angles was anal my whole life.
And, uh, yeah, really.
Okay.
Yeah.
I can't tell if you're being serious or not, and I love it.
Did you go to college?
I did not, no.
No college?
No.
How do you get from the cornfields to Los Angeles to being in Dumb and Dumber?
Well, when you have an audience of one who can't leave, who's literally got a
stake into
the ground, and you spend-
Corky?
Every sunset of your adolescence running your routine past Corky, you get sharp
quick.
You're able to handle that, and that Corky can be a tough critic, I hear.
Oh, God.
Yeah.
But, uh, we had fun.
We're off the rails.
I like it.
Okay.
Was there a pond on the land?
Yeah.
He's lying.
He brought me from Toronto.
I grew up in a two-bedroom.
Yeah.
I just wanted to know if you played pond hockey.
That was my other thing.
Yeah.
Yeah, we did.
How far he goes with it.
Yeah.
Any sports?
What were the sports growing up?
Hockey, man.
Hockey.
That's Canada.
National pastime.
So you played hockey?
Played hockey my whole life.
What position are we talking?
Forward.
Okay.
Right or left?
I did both.
I would vacillate.
I don't know if that's a word your audience is familiar with.
Who were you playing hockey with?
So I played, uh, I played at my-
Corky's got a wrist.
They're going to butt you out.
Corky.
So it wasn't that.
You weren't homeschooled.
Hey, hey, what now?
I, uh, I, I, I actually went to a hockey camp and then I played, uh, when I
moved to L.A.
I played in, uh, leagues in L.A.
Okay.
Ice and roller.
No kidding.
Yeah.
Loved it.
Huh.
Yeah.
Loved, I love hockey.
All right.
Yeah.
Okay.
Did you play?
Hockey?
Yeah.
No.
I played lacrosse.
Oh, lacrosse.
Yeah.
That's a Canadian game too.
You played hockey?
I played hockey growing up.
Yeah.
What position?
Uh, right wing.
Oh, man.
Yeah.
What a treat.
Yeah.
Good times.
Who's your team in Canada?
Who do you like?
Maple Leafs?
No, because they always lose.
They just recently lost.
Sure.
So I just go after, uh, whoever's the Canadian team.
And then if they get knocked out, uh, I, uh, move on.org, you know?
Yeah.
www.moveon.org.
Huh.
All right.
So you're lying about the homeschool thing, right?
Uh, I don't like to say lying, but I'm not telling the truth.
Uh, I don't like to say lying, but I don't like to say lying, but I don't like
to say lying.