Name: What happens when the TIP Touches the Toilet Bowl? | Are You Garbage
Uploaded: 2024-11-21T13:15:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'What happens when the TIP Touches the Toilet Bowl? | Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'What happens when the TIP Touches the Toilet Bowl? | Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-21. Transcript available.

Let's see.
This one's from Xander.
Are you garbage if your dad buys an industrial toilet seat,
the kind with the gap found in public restrooms for your home bathroom?
I kind of like that.
Can I ask you a question?
It probably doesn't fit.
Can I ask you a question about that?
Please.
So, two things.
One, we have a bathroom in the lobby of our building,
which nobody uses, and I use as if it is my powder room.
I would do the same thing.
I normally don't side with you.
I fucking respect that.
Because it's spotless all the time.
I love a good, unused, public restroom.
There's nothing.
Dude, I like them better than mine sometimes
because you feel like you're like,
I'm staying at the Ritz-Carlton.
It feels nicer.
It's tucked away.
Nobody's ever there.
And, I mean, I've been in there for like a half an hour.
Like, if I get home at like 11 o'clock at night
and I got to use the bathroom,
I'm not going to go up there, get my balls broke.
Shut the door and smell.
I sit there.
And also, too, there, in my bathroom at the house,
I'm up against the wall.
Yeah, they're tighter.
Those are like...
Dude, this thing, I'm fucking...
I feel like the Fonz.
I'm stretched out.
Uh-huh.
Take some calls.
Plus, I'm never running out of toilet paper.
Yeah, for days.
I got a fucking...
Got a fan going, probably.
I got a magazine.
Some good fucking, uh, good paper towels to wash the hand,
dry the hands or whatever.
It's nice.
So, yeah.
Dude, I had it.
I was...
We were in, um...
We were in D.C. a couple weeks ago.
What was that bar I told you I went to?
Like, Ye Olde El House or something like that?
It's that famous...
Ebbets.
Ebbets.
Yeah.
Ebbets.
Something.
Something.
Olde El House or something like that.
Ebbets Backroom Deal Bar.
Yeah, it's like a very...
It's from like the fucking 1860...
Old Ebbet Grill?
Yeah.
What year is that from?
Uh, 1856.
And the bathrooms are from 1856, dude.
And I had an away game I had to do.
You didn't make a doo-doo in there?
Oh, man.
Crab cake got you, huh?
It was fucking...
A little blue crab sneaking up on you.
It was a crab cake.
Thank Benny.
If you gentlemen will excuse me,
the crab cake egg Benny.
Uh-huh.
Whoa.
One in Rome.
Sure.
Yeah.
But it was also like...
Look at you looking for the gout.
You in here?
Look at you.
That's your Hollandaise sauce.
Oh, don't get me started.
But, man, this bathroom...
Smaller than a foam...
And the door...
It had those old doors with the gout...
Like, wooden door.
Not even like a fucking metal door that clinks.
And the floor was wet.
And I was...
There was no...
I mean, it's right next to the White House.
They weren't gonna let me in.
Taking a dump next to Mr. Peanut.
Oh, dude, it was fucking...
People coming.
It was one of those ones...
I was bad.
Loud.
Not...
Wasn't the best aroma floating around.
Sure.
And no, like...
There was like...
The door was probably like three feet.
Like, it only just...
It covered your knees.
Like a cowboy bar?
Yeah, if you stand up.
It's like...
Not even to my...
It just covers your midsection.
And, man, there's guys...
Like, it's like someone's foot's right next to yours who's taking a pee.
Like, it's tight.
And I was like...
Nice pair of loafers.
I had to let...
I had to sit there for a minute or two and let the...
Pedest...
I had to let the foot traffic clear out.
Sure.
You know what I mean?
I was like, I'm gonna be getting...
Wait till the shift change.
Yeah.
Wait till the light to turn.
It's like a line change in hockey.
Hey, you guys want to shut the fuck up and get out of here, huh?
It's bad.
It was a tough one.
I'm with you on that.
The industrial toilet, I don't mind.
I worry because my...
How do I put this delicately?
My equipment...
Your wiener?
My wiener...
Okay.
...sometimes is in perfect contact with that.
It's like a baby's kiss.
And I mean, like, the lips are fucking...
They go perfectly right there.
And I've been in some...
Whatever's there.
If I forget to wipe it, like, you know, because I'll wipe that off.
I don't want my...
My wieners...
No, no, no.
It's so great.
I put a piece of paper towel over the middle sometimes.
A napkin?
Really?
Like, putting the fucking napkin in your shirt?
Well, it's either that or...
Put a little lobster bib down there for a little guy?
Sometimes, yeah, I'm not catching whatever that's got.
Can you...
Is that...
Yeah.
I would...
I don't know if I ever told you.
I was at that...
What's that jazz bar in...
This is...
I don't think I've ever told anybody to do it in a jazz bar.
No, I had a shit real bad one night.
We were out drinking.
We left...
I think we left...
This is a Philly days.
We left Raven.
Hey, man.
What's the scene like in there?
I had a shit.
I think I paid five...
I thought...
I never told you I paid a $5 cover to get in there.
I'm a real cool cat and I'm jammed up.
I got a Jeff cap on backwards.
Just looking for a quick fix, man.
I think I had to pay a cover to get in there and...
To deuce it out?
To deuce.
And that's a bad bathroom, too.
But I'm pretty sure a guy was jerking off in there before I went in there.
Why?
Because he was jerking off in there.
The guy was conducting a lewd sex act on himself.
What?
And you think it got on the lip?
I don't know.
I had a shit in there right...
It was either that or shit in my pants.
And I was pretty drunk and I was like enough to get over the...
Man, the guy was just wailing on himself in here.
I think I might even open the door on him.
I was like, we got an emergency out here, Pat.
Like, you got to fucking...
Sir!
Put that thing in my mouth.
I'll wrap this up real quick.
I need to put that trumpet away and head on out to the lobby.
Well, you're safe.
Because it is highly unlikely that you can catch anything from the toilet seat
by simply touching it with your penis tip.
That's not what my girlfriend told me.
Jesus.
It's just scary when it hits the top.
No, I know what you're talking about.
How many other wieners you've kissed like that?
Yeah.
That's a lot.
You start licking it.
I also have gotten the water...
Oh, yeah.
Self bidet.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Which I don't mind.
Really?
Depends.
That ain't fucking...
That ain't good.
It's usually after something bad just dropped, too.
I'm not proud of it, but yeah, that happened.
Listen, this isn't fucking toilet talk time with Kippy and Foley, all right?
Yeah, you brought it up.
Fucking clean it up.
Great question, though.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.