Name: How To Cook for the Ladies | Ari Matti on Are You Garbage
Uploaded: 2024-11-22T13:45:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'How To Cook for the Ladies | Ari Matti on Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'How To Cook for the Ladies | Ari Matti on Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-22. Transcript available.

Are you cooking at the house when you're down in Austin and you're in there?
Are you cooking for yourself?
I make a killer breakfast.
Yeah?
I always do breakfast at home, and then I do, you name it.
What do you need?
We're staying over.
We're in town.
We're staying over.
You're like, I'm going to make the Ari Matty classic breakfast.
Let's say you're a chick.
Okay.
Let's say you're a...
Put a Speedo on it.
Let's start talking.
Exactly.
You're a chick.
You come over to my place.
I make a pasta bolognese for the night.
Nice.
I have a great pasta bolognese.
Yeah.
The European lovable.
Recipe he stole from a Jamie Oliver restaurant.
Okay.
I make you a nice pasta bolognese.
I make you all sleep.
Is this a first date thing?
I make you all die.
Is this a first date situation, or would you have to know her a little bit?
Or could this be a first date?
No, no.
This ain't the first.
No, okay.
This is the third, fourth.
Right.
Got you.
You're already familiar with each other.
Yes.
Exactly.
So I make that big bowl of pasta.
I make you all filled up.
That's why I like a girl that eats, you know?
I hate chicks that don't eat.
Uh-huh.
You ever been with a chick that doesn't eat?
Do you go on a date?
No, I haven't.
You're like, what the fuck are we doing?
Sure.
Dude, he's such a scumbag.
I love him.
I love a chick that eats.
That's like hillbilly shit.
I love a chick that sweats when she eats.
Uh-huh.
I love a chick that grabs your plate that cleans it off with the bread.
I love a chick that says, oh, you're going to finish it.
That's what I love.
There you go.
So you make a bolognese.
I make a bolognese.
We watch the movie.
Wake up in the morning.
We watch the movie.
I give you shit dick throughout the night.
I'm nervous.
Sure.
It's mediocre, you know.
Uh-huh.
And we're both so tired out of the pasta.
Yeah, I mean, it's a sleepy meal.
That's when you're dating in your 30s.
By the way, it's happened a lot.
Where I have a chick over, I put pasta in her fucking mouth,
and then we just fall asleep.
Yeah, you're both just saying, hey, hey, hey.
And then we just fall asleep on the couch and have a bad neck.
That's a fucking goddamn.
Okay.
And then in the morning, if you're a chick,
it's going to be a nice...
When you're sleeping out there with your titties,
I'll wake up early and go...
You sneak out.
Get a fresh ciabatta.
You'll pop out to the store, go get something?
Fresh.
Fresh.
I'll bring you a coffee in your bed,
and I'll keep you in your bed.
You better not come to the fucking kitchen for a while.
You stay in the fucking bed, yeah.
And you're hearing Frank Sinatra playing out there,
and you hear me singing.
This kid's a fucking mover.
And you hear me singing and shit,
and you're like, holy shit.
Uh-huh.
Then I make a Gordon Ramsay style ex.
It's where you take it, put it on the heat.
We know him, we know him.
Take it on, put it off, take it on, put it off.
You put it off, you put it on the heat.
You cheeky bastard.
Apparently, he stole that from somebody.
Really?
Like a French guy.
There's a conspiracy theory among chefs.
Among chefs, there's a conspiracy theory.
So I make you these eggs.
I put up like half an avocado that I whip up with some sour cream.
You whip up the avocado with sour cream?
You know, just to add some, just a little sour cream.
You put a sprinkle of sour cream on it.
That's pretty good.
Some salt, some pepper, you know, keep it natural.
Fully slipping out of his seat over here, dude.
Can I have a cigarette?
I cut a ciabatta.
I got a, I toasted ciabatta.
I cut it in half, make a nice heart for you.
Mm-hmm.
A heart?
Zeus.
This fucking guy.
You're in bed.
Man.
You're in bed.
This guy's a closer.
I make the tomato, put some balsamico on the, cut cherry tomatoes in half, put
some balsamico.
Just make a nice presentation.
Yeah, make it look nice.
You care.
You care.
Make a nice presentation.
Mm-hmm.
If I have the boys over, you're getting two eggs.
Sure.
Yeah.
What the fuck?
You're getting two eggs and a lot of bacon.
If the boys over, you're getting two eggs and a lot of bacon, you better shut
the fuck up.
But that's the secret to dating women in their 30s.
You can give them shit there, but if you're making an amazing breakfast, you'll
love the overall package.
Sex is overrated, okay?
I know.
As you get older, it's all about the meals.
I don't want these young chicks to want to go to the club.
I want an old, tired slut.
I love an old, tired slut.
Someone who's been around the block, she knows.
It wasn't to do shit.
I don't get how these fucking perverts date these young chicks.
You know, they want to do everything.
I want just a tired slut at the house.
Somebody can carbo-load with me.
Exactly.
.