Name: Family Secrets Come Out at Funerals | Ari Matti on Are You Garbage
Uploaded: 2024-11-23T14:00:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Family Secrets Come Out at Funerals | Ari Matti on Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Family Secrets Come Out at Funerals | Ari Matti on Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-23. Transcript available.

Any extended family in your area?
You grew up in a house.
Yeah.
Like a single family home.
Yeah.
I had a stepdad at one point when that f***ing heart moved in.
This guy wants to watch f***ing action movies and the game.
I'm like, f*** the game.
We're on season five of Ally McBeal.
Felicity.
Felicity's on.
The baby's dancing.
I got a bottle of Merlot f***ing.
Let's go, dude.
Exactly.
I'm like, this guy moves in.
I'm decanting this thing right now.
Older sister, younger sister?
Older sister.
Okay.
Same dad.
Same dad.
As you.
That's a no.
At least I found out at my mom's funeral.
No shit.
But I always had my doubts.
She's Asian?
Yeah.
I always had my doubts.
Okay.
Really?
Like there was a point, I remember.
I'm a kid.
We're watching the TV.
Remember when you watch the TV together?
Sure, that was a thing.
Right?
You know, don't go into your room and f***ing watch whatever you want.
Watch it as a family.
Exactly.
And I remember there was a point where like CSI was on.
And one of the investigators says like a sentence.
He, it's somebody got raped, somebody got murdered.
Classic CSI.
I've seen the program.
I'm familiar.
Cut off the p***y, saved it for later in the fridge.
Sure.
You know, the classic.
Sure.
And the investigator says something, says like a sentence like, oh, if both
parents have
brown eyes, the chances of brown eyes, the chances of brown eyed kid coming out
is like 99%.
Say something like a sentence like that.
Okay.
I'm a kid.
I don't know shit about shit.
But the tension in our couch.
Right away.
Wow.
Because my sister and my mom have like different color eyes than I do as well.
And I remember there was just a little tension.
Biology class, maybe four or five years later.
Learned the recess of genes and stuff.
I go up to my teacher after class and I go, I just want to ask you a question.
So these eyes, you know, and she says that too.
And I tell her, I tell her, I put my sister and my mom and she, and you know,
my teacher's
like, she knows something.
Yeah.
And did your mom and, obviously your mom know, but did your sister know?
Of course, she's older.
She's like six years older.
But it was always shady.
But you know, Eastern European families, we're not like the American one where
we go up to
our parents like, mom, what's the story?
I don't even know how to bring it up to mom.
We never, you keep it hush hush.
You don't talk about it.
Sure.
You keep it hush hush.
You do your own business.
You take care of your mom.
Comes out at the funeral.
Exactly.
The funeral, my grandma comes up with a number, goes, by the way, your dad's
alive and it's
a different guy.
Here you go.
Here's the number.
Get the fuck out of here.
I get hammered.
I go to the open.
I call him on stage.
This is another 10 minutes I got here.
This guy, and this guy answers, he not interested.
What was it?
Hi, this is our, I'm your son, Ari.
Yeah, yeah, but he, probably he knows and he lives in Finland.
I'm like, I finished.
And this guy came to Estonia when the Soviet Union collapsed on a holiday.
From Finland, bang the waitress.
Got his wallet stolen.
Just went, yeah, went back home.
Uh-huh.
And now this guy's doing theaters yelling, where are you?
Uh-huh.
Jesus.
Dad, I'm killing it over here.
Dad, I'm killing it over here.
Dad, I'm killing it over here.
Dad, I'm killing it over here.
Dad, I'm killing it over here.
Dad, I'm killing it over here.
Dad, I'm killing it over here.
Dad, I'm killing it over here.
Dad, I'm killing it over here.
Dad, I'm killing it over here.
Dad, I'm killing it over here.
Dad, I'm killing it over here.
Dad, I'm killing it over here.
Dad, I'm killing it over here.
Dad, I'm killing it over here.
Dad, I'm killing it over here.
Dad, I'm killing it over here.
Dad, I'm killing it over here.
Dad, I'm killing it over here.
I'm killing it over here.
Dad, I'm killing it over here.
Dad, I'm killing it over here.
Dad, I'm killing it over here.
Dad, I'm killing it over here.
Dad, I'm killing it over here.
Dad, I'm killing it over here.
Dad, I'm killing it over here.