Name: Forced to Live in a Basement at 9 YEARS OLD! - Are You Garbage
Uploaded: 2024-12-20T20:52:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Forced to Live in a Basement at 9 YEARS OLD! - Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Forced to Live in a Basement at 9 YEARS OLD! - Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-20. Transcript available.

Is it garbage if your parents moved you into the basement when you were nine?
I got a TV to keep the ghost away.
Jesus Christ.
Dude, that's f***ing.
At nine?
That's bad.
I did it when I was probably into college.
What sort of deformity did he have?
That's where you put the evil twin.
Throw his date down there.
That's crazy.
At nine.
Dude, that's...
You're the first line of defense.
You know that had a storm door going out to the street.
That doesn't sound like a nice basement either.
No.
I would even say there's probably no storm door.
That was a fire hazard.
Oh, you think?
I pictured he had one of those tornado doors.
It's always scared the f*** out of me.
Yeah, the Bilko doors or whatever.
Spider City.
We never had those.
But yeah, I mean...
Oh, man.
Nine years old?
That's insane.
On a different floor from your f***ing parents?
Two floors down.
I don't know.
This might have been a...
They wouldn't even get you.
No, if it had a basement, I doubt it had just one floor.
They were up there probably chilling.
They probably knocked down the wall, stretch it out for them, threw the kid in
the basement.
Walk-in closet.
That's f***ed up.
That's real.
It sounds like...
I mean, like, I get, like, at some age you want to go, like, I want to have my
own space.
And it's like, you know, you want to feel, like, older and some responsibility.
But f***ing nine, dude.
The fantasy of that was always better than the reality of it.
Dude, I was scared when I did it at 20 years.
I moved home from college for the summer and I moved down to the basement so I
could watch my films.
Privacy.
I've seen that basement.
Yeah, dude.
The half-finished?
Yeah.
It's been half-finished for so long.
Yeah, no thanks.
That thing's been flooded.
Not to mention the radon or whatever, the carbon monoxide down there.
You're like the canary in the f***ing...
In the mine.
They go down and they know you're dead.
They f***ing get the hell out of there.
Well, it was even trashier when I did it because we had moved a bunch of...
That was...
We never used it, so that was the storage of all, like, the furniture.
Because my family could never throw out furniture.
It'd be like...
There was furniture from, like, my stepdad's townhouse that he lived in.
He moved it down.
Mix and match.
So it was all just...
But it was just storage.
It wasn't even together.
And then I got down there.
I'm like, make this into a f***ing...
Turn this into f***ing John Flannery.
Combining styles?
Yeah, dude.
You got a couple of high tops down there?
No, you need two by the bar.
All right, give me 15 minutes.
Smoking or non?
And I just...
I assembled it into, like, a living room and I put a bed in the corner.
A nice little nightstand.
You ever have any ladies down there?
My mom would come down to get...
To clean up.
Get your socks.
You never...
You never brought a girl home.
Not to Denise's.
I mean, later.
Yeah.
Later?
What's later than...
Like in, like, college and stuff.
Yeah, that's what I mean.
You moved down there after college.
Yeah.
Not after college.
During college.
I want to say it was the summers of college.
Yeah.
Okay.
You were down in the basement.
Uh-huh.
Doing your thing.
Thinking I was like doing it.
Uh-huh.
Thinking I was work...
I was laboring.
I was digging ditches.
Uh-huh.
Pretty good shape-ish.
Okay.
I was.
I'm telling you.
There was, like, every...
You were no peaches.
I can tell you that.
I was not.
I was eating a lot of those gummy peaches.
Get my hands on that.
I never liked those.
You're nuts.
Hated those.
You're crazy.
That was old lady candy.
The gummies?
Yeah, the ones with the sugar on the outside.
The old broads can't eat that.
They got dentures.
Fucking pull that ripping crown out.
Nah, I was never a big fan.
I like the sugar.
Don't get me wrong.
There's something about the texture, though.
I feel like I was biting in the duck skin or something like that.
I know what you mean.
Yeah.
A couple of those where, like, a feather used to be.
Give me the willies.
Like a chuckle.
You ever have a chuckle?
Old school jelly candy?
Uh-uh.
Jelly candy?
Yeah.
It's the same thing.
Just a little bit less firm.
You feel weird on your teeth.
Nah, it's not for me.
I like them sharks, though.
The white-bottom sharks.
What are we, nuts?
That's in the peaches.
That's, like, the same thing as the peaches, though.
Nah, peaches are different.
You're crazy.
Different consistency.
I'll do this all day.
You'll never win.
Telling you right now, I know my gummy candies.
Hey, you know what?
I have to bend the knee when I see fit.
So you did bring broads down there?
I don't think down there.
You ever kissed a girl?
Let's start there.
What?
She was.
Would you have had to sneak her down there?
Were you allowed to fornicate?
Goddamn Catholic house?
My mom wasn't cool with me fucking girls.
You're in college.
You're a grown man to a degree.
Yeah, but I wasn't dating anybody seriously.
So I wasn't like, I was just like, hey, this is Tina.
I met her at Black Bull or whatever.
She works third shift at the pub.
Some lady her age.
Yeah.
It's just you guys graduated together.
Oh, hey, Denise.
Nice place.
Your boys are real stallion.
Oh, you're telling them, telling them, mom.
Who's your age that her boys is stallion?
I just gave, oh, that one, that just made me, oh, cringe, dude.
Your boys are real stallion.
This one can go all night.
I cannot.
Playing 007, maybe.
Okay.
I did.
I had my DVD.
I had a DVD player down there.
A couple of bootlegs.
They were still banging.
Nice call.
It smelled so bad down there.
And they're whacking it.
Wailing on myself.
Yikes.
The masturbatorium.
Nine years old, though.
Man, that's too young.
Yeah, that's, I mean, I think that's like a fucking wellness check.
You got a kid in the, that's a kid in the basement.
That is a kid in the basement.
I don't care what you did to it.
I mean, if it was new, my boy Pat moved to the basement in like junior high,
maybe.
All right.
Junior high, sure.
And I bet he still ran up them steps a couple of times because he got the willy.
He's down there.
The heat kicked on or something.
Yeah, I don't know.
But that was like a proper finished basement.
That was like.
I had a TV to keep the ghosts away.
Man, I still need it.
Why do we think that's going to work?
I just think you're not, we don't like to, dude, a hotel room.
I got to have the TV on.
I'll even put my headphones in.
I was in an old hotel a few weeks ago and the one, the TV was in a cabinet and
the one
door, right?
Two, I was down there.
I was, I was there twice over the last, over the last month, different rooms.
And the door, the one of the cabinets just constantly would just open slowly.
I fell asleep and I woke up like in the middle of the night and they were both
like that.
Looking over you.
What the hell?
I'm going to put the shower on for the rest of the night.
I'm going to put the shower on for the rest of the night.