Name: Dad Tried To Wingman Me, Now She's My STEPMOM!
Uploaded: 2024-12-22T19:44:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dad Tried To Wingman Me, Now She's My STEPMOM!' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dad Tried To Wingman Me, Now She's My STEPMOM!' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-22. Transcript available.

This one's from David F.
$10 homie, never had one read.
Are you garbage if your dad tried setting you up with his younger co-worker,
but you passed and now she's your stepmom?
I gave you a shot.
I gave you a shot.
I told you she was easy.
I told you.
Idiot.
It was a sure thing, dude.
Man.
That's nuts.
Has your mom ever tried to set you up with anybody?
Yeah.
One time, it was like she was related.
I've told you that.
I've had to have told you that.
She was related to me.
It was like a cousin of a cousin or something.
Did your mom know she was a cousin of a cousin?
Yeah.
That's how they do it down there.
Keep the fortune in the family.
We were in Wildwood in a condo.
She was like, yeah, she's nice.
I was like, what?
The fuck are you talking about?
I'm like, she's my sister's kid.
What's the matter with you?
She's my fucking cousin.
She's like, yeah, that's my marriage.
I'm like, that's too much.
Stop being a prude, you fucking pussy.
You're down there in the basement with your videos.
What's all this stuff?
I heard you be in a stallion.
You fucking peckerwood, get out there.
Take this road to Kenan's.
I remember being like, are you fucking, I was down there with a buddy too, I
think.
She must have just thought I was gay.
I'm down there with my boy.
We're going up, we're walking onto the boardwalk and stuff.
Like Nathan Lane and Robin Williams in the birdcage.
Get off that tandem bike.
Yelling at you.
We're doing chicken fights in the ocean and stuff.
We're going to go check out an art exhibit.
Oh my God.
You know, we kind of like tennis.
I'm calling your father.
Jesus Christ.
Tried to set you up.
What's a cousin look like?
She's cute.
Yeah?
She's cute.
I'm trying to think.
I don't think you've ever told me that.
Now my memory is pretty bad.
Due to the drug use.
Sure, she was a peach ring, you'd remember.
She was some sort of gummy candy, I told you about.
I don't even really remember the, it might have been like.
Is this like down the shore, like when you guys were shacked up in that one
room flop house?
I mean, there's a lot of those one room flop houses.
So she was like in there.
It was like 30 is in there.
Nah, she was next to us, I think.
Easy pickings.
She wanted no parts of me.
I wasn't, it wasn't like she was waiting for me.
And like, I was like, nah, thanks.
I keep my options open.
Summer just started.
I don't want to pick myself.
Can't be tied down.
A free spirit.
Yeah, I don't, I want to say it was like my anti-marriage.
I don't really know.
I only ever saw her that summer, I think.
But I hear her name.
Mm-hmm.
Like, oh, I forget her name.
But like Tiffany, you know.
And I'm like.
Still waiting for you.
Hi, Kevin.
I had, uh, not a setup, but she was getting clean at the time, too.
What do you mean?
I think she, I think she.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Oh, man.
I think she, I think she was coming off the, the peach rings.
Coming off the needle?
Coming off the needle.
Jesus Christ.
Trying to set you up with damaged goods?
What the fuck?
Everybody loves a comeback story.
Thank God.
Man, your mom did not think highly of you.
Yeah, now look at me, ma, huh?
Taking you down to the halfway house.
What about her?
What about her?
What about her?
Jesus Christ.
I could be wrong.
I forget.
I really forget who she was.
My mom, uh, she worked at the dentist office.
There was a lady that worked there.
Her daughter was what we call in the business a fucking dime piece.
I was trying to hook.
What age were we talking?
Uh, I was in college, for sure.
Fit, trim.
This broad was about eight billion light years out of my league.
Was she your age?
Maybe like a year younger.
Something like that.
Working there.
Italian broad.
She was working there.
She was working there.
She was in the office.
Yeah.
I had a new shot.
Did you go and, like, hang out?
I would hang out for, you know, when I'd go in for a cleaning.
But it was tough because, I mean, my mom's dentist office getting a fucking
cleaning like a loser.
Not paying.
You got no vacancy.
So what are you doing, lady?
Oh, yeah.
Looking like a real bozo.
Sure.
But they, like, tried to, like, cultivate that a little bit.
Yeah.
And she looked at me like I was fucking a peach ring, if you know what I mean.
Mm-hmm.
No shot.
Yeah.
Been there, dog.
Rough.
Yeah, but I don't, I mean, that's a tough look.
Your dad, how does that, I could never get that out of my head of, like.
That means your dad wanted to bang her the whole time and would have lived vicariously
through you and would eventually have made a move on her if she became your
wife.
Crazy.
Crazy.
And he starts bagging her or marries her.
Uh-huh.
Oof.
I remember after my father got divorced for the second time.
I was a young adult at this point.
Did he ever?
I was in my 20s.
I was in my early 20s.
I was probably 20, 21.
He kept it on the level, right?
He never went from, like, a younger generation.
No, I remember.
Good-looking guy.
Successful.
Those two things are up for debate.
Could have yanked your bra right out of your hands.
Hey, that's my drug addict.
I was going to say, you could have took Lil' Miss Fentanyl right away from you.
But there was, uh, yeah, I remember having to, like, see him, like, talk to a
girl.
Like, we'd be, you know, we used to hang out at Chickies and Pete's a lot.
After the job, we'd go to Chickies and get some beers.
And you would see him macking a little bit.
Yeah, I mean, not, you would, I, you know, you see when a guy.
A gentleman, of course.
Yeah.
Yeah, but.
Wow, I've never been in that situation.
Yeah, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a life-changing
perspective.
Yeah.
From a guy, I mean, he was married to my mom and then married to my stepmom, so
it was
like, I didn't, this is like a new, like a new guy.
I never saw my dad, never saw my dad in any type of sexual situation.
I mean, he wasn't, like, he wasn't swinging from a sex swing.
He was talking to the bartender.
But that's when you go out with.
But you know what I mean?
So, of course, that's what I'm, that's what I'm telling you.
But when you go out with a bunch of construction workers for fucking chores at
two, and there's
a cute bartender working the day shift.
Ah, it must suck for that, man.
Man, they're like, they're like fucking dogs now.
They're all shitting on each other.
Poor women.
Hey, what's up, little dig?
And like fucking, they're, they're, and they're playing along because they like
the tips.
Yeah.
It's a, it's a, it's a game of give and take, daddy-o.
Hey, Sheila, how you doing?
Ah, yeah, I'm here.
They're tipping too much.
Some wildebeest that looks like me.
I think I got a shot with her.
Got a welder's helmet on.
Yeah, just got a new truck.
Yeah, I just, I know, I watch a lot of that stuff.
Yikes.
It was tough.
Man.
You're going to bank that, bro?
That's crazy.
Yeah, I never saw my.
One line I heard on a job site that like forever changed the way I looked at
the guy.
He said something, something, something.
I might have to dick her down.
And I was like, dude, what?
You're a fucking 275 pounds.
You're not even the.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, Dickson, I'm going to have to dick her down.
I was like, dude, you should take your compression sock off your, off your testicles.
Yeah.
Push your hernia back in.
Dick her down.
I never had the confidence to be like that.
No.
What?
I don't have the confidence.
I'm married and don't have the confidence.
And you'd hear dudes that like be like, there's no way that that girl would.
She wouldn't even step on your balls.
What are you doing?
What kind of shit are you and your dad into?
You know what I mean.
Right?
Hey, dad.
His bro won't even kick me in the plums.
You believe this?
Let's get out of here.
She's probably a lesbian.
Let's go to Center City and check out Rouge.
Here you go, Red Sky.
Here you go, Red Sky.