Name: How Pets Keep Ian Fidance & Jordan Jensen SANE | Are You Garbage
Uploaded: 2024-12-30T18:30:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'How Pets Keep Ian Fidance & Jordan Jensen SANE | Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'How Pets Keep Ian Fidance & Jordan Jensen SANE | Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-30. Transcript available.

- You like flying up front? - I'm sweating.
- I like the... - I do.
- ...lay down because I have a puppy and we snuggle.
- You bring the dog with you? - Everywhere.
- Okay, that's nice. - Yeah.
- All right. - I just took her to the vet today.
They said she's in perfect health, perfect weight, caliber.
- Dude, she feeds the dog eggs, it eats off the floor,
it farts, it smells. - Oh, she's farted.
- So does folly. - Yeah.
- I like the shells myself. - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Wait, are you feeding the dog only people food?
- Yes. - Like what, like...
- No, I stopped feeding her an egg every day.
Now she eats it every other day for breakfast
when I have to eat my eggs and...
But no, she eats period and puppy chow,
and sometimes she's a good girl, she gets meat.
- Gets what? - Meat.
- Meat. It's like steak.
- And then she farts. She farted.
- Dude, she saves them for the podcast.
- We went to Sanford, New York Comedy Club two nights ago,
and I gave her all the grizzle off the steak,
and oh, she was fart dog, but she was happy.
- What steak?
A steak that you cooked for dinner for yourself?
- No. God, what?
- What? - Where'd you get a steak?
- My kitchen is like where I keep my clothes in the oven.
- Yeah.
- I got a blouse coming into 350 if you need it.
- Ding! Socks are done.
- It's nice, you can heat 'em up.
- Where'd you get the steak from?
Ground. - You know how it...
They order it from the Brazilians...
- Oh, you order that in the green room?
- Yeah. - Very nice.
- Where was this again?
- Stanford, Connecticut. - Oh, you were in Stanford.
Okay, I gotcha. - Great club.
- Very good club. We just did a couple of weeks ago.
- Great green room, and perfect for doggies.
- Perfect for doggies.
- Yeah, one of the servers there has a little doggie
last time we were there.
- I really wanna bring my cat on the road.
That'd be so fun, man. - You can't do that.
- That would be insane. - That would be so nice.
- He ends up at the front desk.
There's a cat in my room.
- But I got Glenn to be buds with Samson
while I'm on the road,
'cause Samson would get upset when I was gone.
And I got...
- Who's Samson now?
- My other cat. - My roommate.
Yeah, my roommate.
And so, when I come home from the road now,
Samson doesn't cry, 'cause he's got Glenn,
but I wanna take him on the road.
- He's crying when you come home from the road.
Have you picked up on that? - 'Cause he's upset.
- That you're back.
- 'Cause know that he misses me.
- Hot damn, I thought he was gone for good this time.
Glenn, I thought you changed the locks.
Guys, quit screwing around.
Daddy's home.
- I said that last night.
Daddy's home.
- You could bring...
- Hello, boys.
- You could bring him in a crate.
But then you'd have that...
- No!
- No!
- I know, he'd turn Australian.
- Yeah.
- But I don't want to...
- He's playing a didgeridip.
- Yeah, I don't wanna leave one of them alone.
The whole reason I got Glenn
is to be Samson's buddy. - Bring them both.
That would be cool.
You'd be that comic, bringing two cats around.
- Whoa!
- You'd really get a good rep for yourself.
- Whoa, cool!
- Yeah, but when Coyote XMPs in a green room,
it's so much cleaner than a cat,
it's like hot, smelly, ammonia piss.
- Yeah, cat piss is notoriously bad for you.
- No, cats piss in a box because they're polite.
They don't piss in public on the floor.
- Isn't your dog a puppy?
- She's a year old.
- Oh, it's a full-grown thing.
- She's perfect.
- I don't know if you guys picked up.
Ian is significantly jealous of this dog right now.
- Well, I would love to take my loved ones on the road.
- Oh, we wake up in the same bed and she gives me kisses.
- So do I!
- I'm never alone.
It's really nice.
It deals with the codependency thing.
- Man.
- They both have court-appointed pets at this point.
- Yeah.
- It's like, listen, you guys need something
to settle you down.
- The vet today was like,
"You need your dog on a leash."
And I was like, "But she likes to be naked."
And they were like, "Woman, please."
And she's just running at it.
- You don't use a leash for the dog?
- Not in the airport, not at the comedy club,
not in anywhere.
- Are you crazy?
Are you gonna put a leash on your daughter?
It's weird, okay?
She's smart.
Dude, can I tell you something
and then we're gonna move on?
- Folks, real quick from Helix.
- Okay, let me tell you how--
- This episode's sponsored by Better Health, gang.
- Okay, let me tell you this
because it blew my mind
and I was almost crying with pride.
Okay, I was in my house.
I have severe OCD.
I gave my dog the end of the peanut butter jar.
I said, "I'm gonna talk to my managers.
"You let that out clean."
She said, "Got it."
Then I came back, peanut butter jar was gone.
Could not find it anywhere.
Triggered my OCD, had to find it.
Couldn't leave the house before I found it.
That's why I'm late, okay?
So then I finally--
- This is today?
- Yes, it was just now.
So then I was panicking and I was like,
"Where's the peanut butter jar?
I have to find it."
And then I went, "Fuck it, coyote."
And I brought a jar out of the cupboard
and I pointed to it and I went, "Where is it?"
And she went, "Oh, yeah."
And she went off and found the peanut butter jar
and showed me where it was.
- Oh, that's cool.
- That's crazy.
- That's cool.
- That's pretty good.
- Did she actually say, "Oh, yeah,
I know what you're talking about?"
- She looked at me like I was retarded
and was like, "Oh, yeah, it's over here."
And went in a hidden corridor
where she stuffed it away
and was like, "This is what you're talking about?
Yeah."
- That's a good dog.
- Just no full panic and then just last resort
being like, "Can you help?"
And she was like, "Yeah, bitch."
- Let me ask you this.
You walk out, the dog's got her to the bathroom.
You walk the dog outside in New York with no leash.
- We get to the park and then she's unleashed.
If I'm around any cars--
- Is it a dog park or is it a park park?
- It's Prospect Park, big park.
- Okay. - It's illegal.
- It's illegal.
I got it to the other day and I gave them--
- Not even anything about--
- Yeah, you get mad and she's like,
"This is your problem!"
- No, I'm saying it for the safety of your dog.
- There could be another big dog around
that you can't grab her or something like that.
- No, she's very--
- Or what if she runs out on the street or something?
- It's too big of a park and she's very smart.
She's like, insanely smart.
- She told you about the peanut butter.
- Yeah.
- Are you listening?
- I'm sorry, I forgot.
- I don't know how much more proof you need, dude.
- I also trained her the first six months I had her,
I had a 30 foot long leash.
So I had her on this super long leash
and then I would teach her recall
and I only call her Coyote when I'm calling her.
- Recall?
- She's very smart.
- I pictured it like some type of Al Qaeda training.
- The dog's doing the monkey bars.
- It is, I took it very seriously.
- I pictured you with like a thing in your arm
where a hawk lays down.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Recall, recall!
- One of those big oven mitts on.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- The guy gave me a ticket the other day
and he's like, your dog was off leash
and I was like, okay.
- You got a ticket for it?
- You got a ticket?
- Where? - How much is that?
- From a cop?
- I threw it right in the trash.
I was like, I don't have my license on me
and he was like, okay, what's your first and last name?
And I said, my mom's, my middle name is Cosentini.
- Ian Fider.
- So I said, Jordan Cosentini.
And he's like, okay, wrote down.
And I was like, do you ever have people giving you
like the wrong name?
And he was like, yeah, but you know.
And I was like, it probably happened so much.
You're good at telling when people are lying.
And he was like, a hundred percent.
I can see it a mile away.
And I was like, great.
And I took the ticket that had the wrong name.
- Dude, that is like when someone kills someone
and then they show up at the scene of the crime.
- Yeah.
- And I'm like, wow, that guy does good work, huh?
- That killer must be hot, huh?
- You know what, I would do that.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- How much was the ticket?
- I think it was like a hundred bucks or something.
- Really?
- But what can they do?
They don't have my license.
They can't do anything with it.
- Yeah, it's weird.
- You don't--
- Was it an NYPD officer or like a park ranger?
- It was a park--
- Did he have a gun?
- No gun.
- Oh, fuck him.
- He had a clipboard.
- That's not a ticket.
- A clipboard?
- He had a clipboard.
- Put him on a leash.
- I'll tell you what he could do with that clipboard.
- He was such a dick.
- We always run away from them.
That's our favorite game, run away from the guys.
But sometimes I just don't have the energy.
- Sure.
- Wait, you actually run away from them?
- Oh, yes.
We are fast as life.
- I would love to see that CCTV footage.
- Coyote, go!
- Miss, Miss, Maggie!
- Split up, we'll meet back at the apartment.
- She runs and I go, or sometimes I go,
it's a rabbit, that's not even my dog.
'Cause she looks like a rabbit a little bit.
- Scatter.
- Just takes off into the woods.
- Yeah, scatter.
- I mean, yeah, okay.
Jordan gives a ticket back, touch black, no trade back.
- Barbara, she gets him an UNO card.
- Hello, doctor.
- UNO reverse.