Name: Designer Shopping for Dirtbags | Are You Garbage
Uploaded: 2025-01-11T13:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Designer Shopping for Dirtbags | Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-01-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Designer Shopping for Dirtbags | Are You Garbage' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-01-11. Transcript available.

I bought, we didn't talk about this, I bought my lady a gift while we were in
Hawaii.
You did, that's right.
Uh-huh.
Lingerie.
Tasteful.
By the way, you got good taste.
Wait, what?
You've seen it?
It's just for me.
What?
I'm wearing it.
I'm hanging brain from the bottom of a teddy.
Hey, the missus is in a XXL.
I don't know what you're doing with this.
Something bigger in the butt if you got it.
Yeah?
A lot of high-end shopping out there.
A lot of high-end shopping over there in Waikiki.
So I popped into one of the stores.
You did?
Where's a guy like you go?
What?
Target, Walmart?
We went to Target first, me and our associate Ryan D.
You were going to buy her a gift at Target?
No, I had to buy our Pollyanna gift.
I had to buy a gift under $50 for my family.
You brought a gift back?
Oh, yeah.
I don't know if you remember.
I landed midday on fucking Christmas Eve.
It was either that or they were getting something from Hubs and News.
Okay?
New Daniel Steele novel?
Hey, that John Grisham ain't too shabby.
Batting a bag of Jolly Ranchers.
Yeah, I was jammed up.
I was behind the eight ball.
We were recorded every day until we got into here, until we left, and then I'd
have time
to do shopping.
All right.
So when you have the card, send it over.
So I went to one of those fancy designer stores for my wife.
Man, I went in with Ryan D.
First of all, I was in a wet bathing suit.
You have a pair of pants.
You got something in a 38.
I'm chafing.
Ah, yeah.
We, like, walked in with, like, ice cream and, like, coffee.
I was in a wet bathing suit and had a Target.
Is it one of those places where there's a dude standing at the front door?
Yeah.
And they don't let anybody in there.
Nah, the door was locked.
And I'm like, my money's good.
The door was locked.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You guys open?
You got a shitter in here?
I'm just not cut out for those nice, nice stores.
Can you say where it was?
Yves Saint Laurent?
Hermes?
Yves Saint Laurent.
Which I only...
Is it Hermes?
Hermes.
Hermes.
I only knew it as YSL from that Fat Joe song where he rapped about it.
Or Lil Wayne did.
Who?
YSL.
Yeah.
I didn't...
He saw it at all.
You know, I don't like all that stuff, but I do like the stories about those
guys.
I got to tell you.
Like, when they do, like, the Netflix movies about them.
Like, about, like, the designers and stuff like that.
How they work their way up and all that kind of stuff.
Pretty cool.
Sure.
Whew.
Man.
I was a nervous Nelly in there.
Thank God that card, that credit card went through.
Hatch, I almost had to put it on the company card.
That thing was taking a long time to...
That signal was taking a long time to get to New York back to Honolulu.
That ice cream was on that purse when I looked at it.
By the way.
Those sprinkles aren't mine.
Oh, man.
There you go.
Got her something nice?
Yeah, I got her something nice.
She returned it.
Got something else.
Is that right?
Different color.
Yeah.
What'd you get her, a backpack?
I just got her the bag.
He's got one of those cardboard bags I can give this broad.
No.
So, I go in and I'm like, what do you got?
And I look at something.
They're like, this is like $2,800.
I said, what do you got in the clearance section?
What do you got with a scratch on it?
You got any floor models?
There ain't no clearance rack in those dumps either.
No.
Yeah.
There's not.
Got to go to Canal Street.
Get you straightened out.
I know.
They don't know.
So, I got out of there a pretty good deal from what I was seeing online and
everything like
that.
But, man, they treat you nice in there.
They really do.
And our friend was taking care.
I'm a guy who's like, I want to be invisible in here.
Where's the cheapest thing?
Can I swing it?
All right.
You know, bada bing, bada boom.
He's in there like, yeah, I'll do a double shot of espresso.
Ordering shit?
Well, they asked.
What do you want?
Yeah, I don't know if you got to pay for that or not.
Also, they took our coffees at the door.
Took your coffees?
Oh.
Yeah, you can't be walking around.
But they'll offer you like, you know, whatever you want or whatever.
They took your drinks from you?
Yeah.
Whoa.
It was half scotch.
It was right on there.
Hey, don't take a sip of that till after lunch.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Really?
Did they have them for you when you left?
No, I think they trashed them.
Yeah.
Dirtball.
You're in there with your donkey donuts.
Dude, I was in there and I like proper, we left the beach, I was in there in
sandy feet,
a wet bathing suit, a towel, a towel from the resort.
It was, it was bad.
And a Target bag.
You bought her a Ferrari keychain.
Porsche driving gloves.
I just don't belong in them places.
No, you don't.
And she doesn't, that was the biggest gift I ever bought.
It also wasn't that expensive.
And I buy her one gift a year.
That was it for the most part.
She's done.
And it was like their casual line.
Yeah.
It was not their, it wasn't their high-end hoity-toity line.
Because first of all, I'm walking by with Luke like a few days before.
Hermes light collection.
Yeah.
He's like, I was like, ah, maybe something like that.
She had a purse, her purse broke.
I was like, oh, maybe I'll, like, that'll, you know, she needs a new black
purse.
I was like, how about that?
And Luke goes, everyone has that one.
I was like, yeah, dude.
Not in the circles I run in.
Yeah.
We run in different circles, clearly.
We do run, I remember when Coach bags were hot.
Mm-hmm.
Back in the day.
Yeah.
Not Coach.
No, Coach was big.
Autobahn, or, no.
Louis Vuitton.
No, it has an A.
It's like, it looks like a horseshoe, but it's upside down.
I think it's an A.
Ah, it's not Autobahn.
I remember my mom making a big deal.
Autobahn's highway.
Yeah.
Well, if your mom's making a big deal about it, I don't think it's at the, like,
the.
This was in the 80s.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
I can't remember.
Aero Pastel.
No.
American Eagle.
No.
Hollister.
No.
It had, like, Autobahn or auto something or.
Auto asphyxiation.
That's it.
Freak.
You got the, you got, you got anything?
Nah.
They did makeup, too.
Maybe Chanel.
No.
Clairborne.
No.
Clairborne was nice, though.
Hot chick stuff.
It was designer?
I think so.
Yeah.
It was not.
It's on Patty's radar.
They were living in the Poconos at the time.
It was whatever they got at the Salvation Army.
All right?
Tough guy?
Sure.
You're no Hermes guy.
Hermes.
Got a bad case of the Hermes.
Yikes.
Need antibiotic equipment for that.
I also don't.
That was, like, a big step for me, because I don't have the confidence to walk
into those
places.
And you shouldn't.
I don't.
Rightfully so.
We should put your Sunday best on when you walk in.
But he, our boy Ryan, really helped me.
He looks worse than you.
What are you talking about?
I know, but he's going, you got money.
You can fucking go in there.
Own it.
You're better than these bums.
They're working there.
They can't afford to shop there.
Which I barely could either.
I was on the fence.
You guys got after pay here?
I do this in installments.
Hello, I'm KJ Ryan, a very important man.
From the mainland.
I come to look at your fine delicacies.