Name: How to Cheat at a Casino (And Get Caught!) with Ari Shaffir
Uploaded: 2025-01-28T19:06:58.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'How to Cheat at a Casino (And Get Caught!) with Ari Shaffir' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-01-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'How to Cheat at a Casino (And Get Caught!) with Ari Shaffir' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-01-28. Transcript available.

This is the first episode we've kind of done with you straight up.
It was the first one you came in straight up as a first guest
where we decided if you were garbage or not.
You wanted me to be impressed by your shuffling skills so bad.
Holy shit.
All right, well, let's start right there.
That is a question.
I swear to fucking God.
What is the question?
You just looked at me like, yeah, pretty cool.
Not show for a couple of days.
You like that, fatty?
This is from Tony.
These are stiff.
Are you garbage if you brag about how well you can shuffle cards?
I do brag.
When you see somebody shuffling like this, just like that,
and pushing them together, I'm like, let me show you.
Yeah, but that's kind of the dealers go corner to corner a lot of times.
Yeah, and then they just push them in, but I'm like, no, dude, I want...
You want that, and then I believe it's called the waterfall.
They don't even shuffle anymore.
They got that fucking machine there that does it.
The machine, yeah.
Poker they do, or a lot of times, or I guess maybe not anymore.
I guess they do.
But that is very...
Why is that?
That is a very garbage tendency.
It means you're not good.
You don't got a lot going on if you're like, check out how I shuffle cards.
And I'm right there with you.
All your time is spent in between hands.
Yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's a lot of fucking down time.
Just sitting at a table doing it.
Yeah.
I always thought it was cool as shit.
I always respected it.
For sure.
I always used to play a lot of poker in L.A.
You get good at it from poker.
And then I was with my friend.
We were playing in blackjack in a casino in Vegas, and I was doing that shuffling
the chips.
I do that, too.
That is cool.
I do the shuffle of the chips.
It's so cool.
It's just like, you don't have to look at it.
You can do two hands, and he goes, playing a lot of cards, are you?
Uh-huh.
Yeah, I got a problem.
Yeah, I know.
I got a real addiction.
Yeah.
That Russian mob's looking for you.
The chip shuffle at the table, at like a fucking roulette table and a blackjack
table or whatever,
lets you know you've been around.
I ain't my first fucking time here.
Now, count me a room.
Or throw me out.
I'm shuffling three $1 chips.
You ever been thrown out of a table?
No.
He doesn't like how I, he thinks I get a little too testy at the table.
Testy with what, the dealer or the people?
The dealer.
Yeah.
I'm having a good, it's all in jest, Ari.
Making fun of him.
He's like, come on, what you're doing is terrible.
I'll go, I, you know.
You fucking piece of shit, you're ripping me off.
Fuck you.
Literally, that's the kind of stuff that'll say.
We'll be sitting there having a nice night.
Nope.
After a lovely meal.
Nice $4 shake over at the old court.
Shaking a beer.
How about he come to your house and stick my dick in your hands?
Turn the table over.
Dude, he doesn't realize it.
He gets a couple of them fucking drinks in them.
Oh, it's so great.
It's so great.
No, listen.
Ah, you fucking piece of shit.
You fucking screwed me.
Something like that.
There'll be kids around.
I will say you screwed me.
I'll never direct it at him.
I think that's fair.
There you go to who?
The dealer.
Oh, you go, hey, this piece of shit over here is fucked me.
Hey, don't say anything but this bozo in the vest.
A real piece of shit.
Hey, we're all friends here, right?
Not like this fucking.
Hey, Jimmy, did you change your name tag to Jerkall?
Jimmy Jerkall.
Watch, this guy's a real fucking scumbag before you sit down.
Nah, you're really painting me in a bad situation.
It ain't good.
It's not.
What do you do?
I'll have fun with it.
It's not like they just come in, they deal me a bad hand.
I'm like, what the fuck?
Beep, boop, boop.
You know, call him a lowlife piece of shit.
Just having fun.
I have fun all one time.
And listen, I tip very, I tip very, very heavy.
And I'll go out, you know.
True.
Very true.
Luke backed me up on that.
It's very much.
At the tables, you think he does?
Every time he wins anything.
I don't think he does anything.
When you win, you pass it down.
But when you lose, you never give it back.
What's up, dealers?
That's exactly why I'm upset with them.
I thought we were boys.
How great is this when you tip them a dollar or whatever, a chip,
and they go, ride it, and they're like, I'll play with you.
They play it back with you.
I love that.
Those are the, they ain't doing that at fucking the Bellagio.
That's a, those are a little questionable, though.
Those are fun because they're going, I know the odds are against me.
But, but I want to be, I want you guys all friendly.
I don't want Kevin yelling at me again.
I was here last time he came in and I had to go to therapy.
Sir, you're a bald friend.
It's causing a bit of a scene.
Now, it's always fun and lighthearted.
You're paying me out to be a bad guy.
That's not the case.
Yeah.
I got thrown out once.
For what?
Stealing chips.
I was at Commerce, because I said, oh, I've cheated.
Me and Renazisi used to cheat.
Poker?
Yeah.
Just stay out of the hand.
We'd like give taps of like, I have aces or kings.
And then we'd give a tap to me like, raise no matter what you have.
I'll re-raise.
Then you come back, you can get out then.
Why?
And then who, so we can do a double raise.
Split it.
You're kind of playing together.
It's like, hey, don't, let's not fucking bump heads in the pot.
We're here to take their money.
Yeah.
So in limit, I'll tap.
If he's, if I'm sitting there and Renazisi's sitting here, I'll give him a tap.
And so it goes to me.
I check, right?
It goes to Kevin.
He checks.
Then I bet, it comes around again, you double bet.
That's on limit poker.
So that way I can get a double, and then I'll be like, nah, I'm out.
Yeah.
And so now everyone has to stay in for double.
But we got caught once, because I told him, we got lazy.
I got aces.
Yeah.
No, I go, I'm going to raise.
And then it came, and some guy's just like, like looking at me across the table.
And then I raise.
He goes, whoa, what the fuck, man?
Wait, another player?
Yeah, yeah, that I'm playing against.
And he goes, what the fuck?
I'm like, what?
He goes, you just said you're going to raise.
He raised, and then you re-raised.
And I'm like, no.
He goes, bro, I'm a foot away from you.
Sir, you're clearly lying.
I got to talk with you on that one.
No, I got thrown out once, because somebody beat me up with a jack of the river.
I had him the whole way.
I had him.
And then he was like stacking, and he talked a little shit.
Just like, you think I knew what I was going to do?
Something shitty.
And then I waited, and he stacked up all these chips.
And as soon as he stacked them, I just reached out.
That's such an R-y thing, dude.
I just knocked him down.
You are such a dickhead.
And they were like, no.
He goes, what the fuck?
He got mad.
They threw me out.
They're like, you can't.
No, sir.
Absolutely not.
You're out.
What are you, five years old?
I'm about five.
It was worth it.
He went behind one of the Wheel of a Fortune machines and started shitting in
your pants.
What a great noise that is.