Name: Everything You NEED To Know About Bobby Lee
Uploaded: 2025-02-02T21:04:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Everything You NEED To Know About Bobby Lee' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Everything You NEED To Know About Bobby Lee' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-02. Transcript available.

Everything You NEED To Know About Bobby Lee

Let's take a step back.
Let's go back to your childhood.
Childhood a little bit.
Where'd you grow up?
How'd you grow up?
Mom, dad, brothers, sisters laying on us.
What?
Just straighten your mic a little bit.
Sorry.
Bro, you're so good.
I apologize for the long hair.
We're good, man.
I love you, man.
I don't know.
My therapist says that I can't believe you're alive.
Sure.
You had a bumpy ride in the beginning, right?
Because when you grow up the way I did, you turn out a certain way.
I took all my defense mechanisms and my survival tools and I used it to my
advantage to make money and to have a career.
But if I lived in Korea, I would just be on opium, probably, and I'd probably
be a koi fish farmer or some weird shit like that, or carrying rice.
I would have no future.
Sure.
But only in this country, I think, you can turn your pain into-
Yeah, harness it and do something good with it.
Right.
So my dad was-
Where were you born?
San Diego.
You were born in San Diego?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
I just remember being born and it just being really cold.
The feeling, even temperature-wise, I don't know why.
Because we moved to Minnesota right when I was born.
Really?
Yeah.
So we lived in Minnesota.
There were no other Asians.
I dined in Minnesota.
And I was bullied.
The kids would throw ice at my face and go, Eskimo!
You know what I mean?
Jesus.
Always running from them.
And then I'd come home and my dad would be drunk and he was very violent.
You know what I mean?
And then he would beat up my mom and stuff.
Okay.
She would come into my room with no teeth and bloody mouths.
Jesus.
Yeah, it was pretty crazy.
Serious shit.
Yeah, serious.
And my brother and I would just fart on each other.
Hey, it was a good bit back then.
It was a good bit today.
And we would show each other our penises and do puppet tricks with our little
yellow penises.
They were like minions before minions.
You know what I mean?
Like little yellow.
You know what I mean?
You guys were beeping at each other.
Yeah, beep, beep, beep.
Yeah, and it was like pretty cool, you know?
It was pretty cool.
And then...
Sounds like a good time.
It was pretty cool, right, guys?
Yeah, pretty cool.
Right, yeah.
You know, you can't do that on live, but you know what I mean?
But we did it, you know, amongst ourselves.
And then I guess there was this guy that had Down syndrome down the street when
we lived in Minnesota.
And he molested me.
He molested me.
He molested me.
He molested me.
So that was cool.
Anyway.
Right?
Good times.
We having good?
Sure.
Yeah, we having good, yeah.
Did you get out of Minnesota?
Well, I'm going to talk about the molestation, if I may.
Sure, yeah.
Go right ahead.
May I talk about it?
Please.
Am I garbage yet, or we don't know yet?
We don't know yet?
No, but you are crazy.
Do you think I'm a crazy person?
No, I think you're...
No, you're awesome.
You're fucking...
You're the best.
Because I'm going to tell you something.
This is the first time I've been on this podcast, and the next time I come on,
if I ever do
come on, it'll be different.
Yeah, this is great.
Because I'm just trying to like...
Buddy, this is what it is.
We want to hear your story.
I know, but it's kind of like, you know, when I guest star on a TV show, you
want to be
as good as you can be, so you get invited back.
The next time I come back, it'll be 50%.
That's great.
I understand.
You're really going to phone it in.
I appreciate that.
I'm going to phone it in a second time.
But right now, I'm nervous, so it just comes out like this, because I really
want you guys
to like me.
We love you.
I know, and I want the hippie to like me, and I want your fans to like me, so
it's coming
out like...
Our fans are all your fans.
You're one of the most requested guests.
100%.
We're together.
We're in this together.
Yeah.
And I have to say, as a side note, for white guys, you guys have my body, like
my shape,
my personality, and it's not a good thing for you.
It's really not a good thing for you.
But when I looked at you, because you look at Andrew Schultz, and you look at
Stefano,
they're like human looking.
They're like, yeah.
Yeah, and they do.
They look not mythological.
They look like they can stick their penises in anything, you know what I mean?
You guys look like incels.
Like, you guys look so...
We do beat our penises at each other when no one's in here.
My mother was a minotaur.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like, I don't know anyone in LA that even has your vibe, you know what I mean?
Sure.
Maybe, like, there's some homeless comedians, you know what I mean?
You know what I mean?
If you go to open mic late at night.
I love how he sat there.
He's like, I'm going to be nice this episode.
No, I'm just trying to...
Because I feel the same.
Sure.
Right?
I think that you guys are white versions of me, and that's why I'm blessed to
be here.
That's what I'm saying.
It's a compliment.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much for that wonderful, wonderful compliment.
Because you guys...
I know you guys get...
You have a girlfriend.
I have a wife.
You have a wife.
You have a girlfriend.
Girlfriend, yeah.
Right?
And that, to me, is, like, mind-boggling.
It really is.
To me, it's like, oh, my God.
To us, too.
Yeah, yeah.
It works.
It's working.
I know.
You know what I mean?
That means you have...
Sense of humor goes a long way.
Because those guys, DeStefano and Schultz and these guys, right?
They have their looks to get them by, right?
They're looking kids.
Anybody can get brawls when you look good.
Right.
Do it looking like us, all right?
But with us, dude, it's like, we're like miracles.
Mm-hmm.
Like, we're, like, killing the game.
Right?
And we're also paving the way for other uglies.
Yeah, of course.
So we...
We're storming the beaches here.
Yeah, yeah.
And now, let me say something, right?
Okay.
If you lost weight...
Yeah.
You could have, like, a Gary Goleman vibe, right?
But you?
Uh-uh.
You got no shot, Boleman.
You have no shot.
That's fine.
Let's go back to the molestation.
Why not?
Yeah.
Let's get back to the fun stuff.
I never thought I would say that, but please, let's.
Yeah, I don't want to...
Am I being rude?
No.
Oh, my God.
It's...
Yeah.
You're so good and so funny that the fact of...
He's like, yeah, I'm going to be playing tonight.
He's like, nah, we're going to make fun of each other.
I'm not going to make fun of you guys.
And then he just, like, crippled.
Did we get 18 minutes in?
He's like, good night.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, no, that's...
I was just telling the truth.
Well, that's why I love you.
I'm not being mean.
I'm being honest.
We don't think that.
So, anyway...
I think you're being a little mean, but that's just...
I mean, we're being honest?
Oh, yeah.
Is he honest?
Oh, yeah.
So, you're in Minnesota.
What did your mom and dad do for a living?
What was your dad doing?
My dad owned a clothing store called Fashion Gal.
He owned them?
Yeah, and we owned...
Well, my uncles and my dad owned, like, 75 stores across the country.
So, he did well.
Yeah, we did well.
Your dad was doing well.
Yeah, yeah.
But still with the booze and the abuse and stuff like that.
Well, he was, like...
He didn't, obviously, drink at work, but, you know, he would drive around at
the stores
and this and that, but he would come home and get drunk, and then, like, you
know, I would
always, like, hide in my room.
Jesus.
Because you never knew what was going to happen, you know?
Yeah, yeah.
He turned into, like, you know, Incredible Hulk, but he didn't grow, and he's
yellow.
No, I got you.
Yeah, but he was a bad dude.
Yeah, he was a bad dude.
Yeah, and he would pick up kitchen tables and throw it at people.
It was crazy.
Jesus.
And so, anyway, and then I was mostly by the guy with Down syndrome down the
street.
That's what my brother says.
My brother says that.
And then...
You blocked it out.
You don't remember.
I think, I mean, I think there's some imagery of the shack, and then Zamboni.
You know what Zamboni is?
Like the...
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, he took care of the Zamboni in this outside...
The local ice rink?
Ice rink down the street from me, yeah.
And I think he molested a bunch of kids, but I went there every day, you know
what I mean,
in the summer because he had candy.
I love candy.
You know what I mean?
And so, I don't think anything happened where, like, I think I just jerked him
off, and,
you know what I mean?
I stuck my fingers in his ass.
Yeah.
Yeah.
His disfigured butthole.
Uh-huh.
Never forget it.
Kid really likes a Snickers, huh?
Yeah.
And so, and then I...
Then we moved to San Diego at the age of 11.
For business?
Like, it was like...
Yeah, my dad goes, let's move.
Right?
Right.
Yeah.
And then we went...
So, he went too.
The family stayed together.
He went with you to San Diego.
Oh, yeah.
No, that's...
Okay.
He's always been there.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
And when we moved there, it was like...
It was the best because I saw, like, dudes like Filipinos.
Sure.
Oh, people you can relate to, yeah.
Like, my age, with full-blown mustache at age 11, right?
I had, like, skater kids and, like...
You know, this is back in the days where, like, Bones Brigade and all these
things were
happening.
Yeah, that was the coolest shit back then, yeah.
It was the coolest shit, yeah.
And I just remember this kid, like, flipping over his skateboard and, like,
putting out a
line of meth...
Jesus!
...across the street from me.
And I went...
I didn't even ask what it was.
I was like, can I have some?
Right?
He's like, yeah, dude.
Is that candy?
Yeah, yeah.
And it was snort that.
And then, like, you know, I'm talking about 11, 12, you know what I mean?
Like, young.
Damn!
Is this an...
It's just skating fast.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Is this a nice neighborhood you guys moved into?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The family had a little bit of money.
You moved into a nice neighborhood.
You're down in San Diego, you get a little bit more of a wider cultural
experience, a little
bit more familiar.
Yeah.
Nobody grabbing at you, fucking...
Like, the bullying was different, non-existent.
Right, yeah.
Multicultural.
Multicultural, yeah, yeah.
And then, I'm sure Minnesota's different now, but in the 70s, I don't know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, for sure.
That makes total sense.
And then my dad had this refrigerator where he'd stock alcohol, you know what I
mean?
Because he was an alcoholic.
And I could sneak in there and drink as many beers no one would know.
Really?
So, it was just...
I just started my alcoholism and drug addiction that early, you know?
And then, yeah, I just got all Fs in school.
I was on the wrestling team and tennis team.
There you go.
You know what I mean?
Any good?
Yeah, I'm pretty athletic, you know what I mean?
But other than that, like, I was just a failure, you know what I mean?
I just, you know...
And then every time you would bring home, like, an F to your violent Korean dad
and your
mom, they would get violent and crazy.
And it was just like...
Was your brother good in school?
He was up until his senior year, and then he kind of drifted.
But, yeah, he was like the Christian, you know, he did...
He went to church, and he also, you know, got straight A's.
And then, I don't know what happened.
That's a tough comparison, because my brother was really good in school, and I
was terrible
at school.
Yeah.
And that just makes you look even worse.
You look even worse.
Worse.
Yeah.
It's terrible.
Did you hate your brother?
No, I loved him.
Yeah, I love my brother, too.
Yeah, I love him 100%.
And then I went to rehabs, I just remember, in high school.
I went to three, two or three, like one detox, two regular rehabs.
And then I...
Yeah, and...
Nice ones, though, out there in California.
Yeah, McDonald's Center was the one that got me, you know, in La Jolla.
Okay.
And that's where...
So that's where...
See, I believe...
What's so funny?
I don't know you.
I just...
I love you.
Yeah, I believe that nothing happens...
Everything happens for a reason.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
And I believe in sort of like this cosmic thing where like 