Name: Big Man Vs Fit Man: Food Etiquette!
Uploaded: 2025-02-06T20:01:50.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Big Man Vs Fit Man: Food Etiquette!' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Big Man Vs Fit Man: Food Etiquette!' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-06. Transcript available.

This happened very recently.
I was out to dinner, right?
And I was out to dinner with my family, my wife, my brother-in-law, my nephew.
And we got hummus and, you know, pita for like an appetizer.
Ooh, okay.
I know where this is going.
On your shirt.
So we're waiting for the entrees to come.
You know what I mean?
I got a couple of beers in me.
But it's a long time.
We're in Europe, so it's a little stretched out over there.
They're not, you know, they're not burning and turning tables.
You're in it.
I'm a little hungry.
I'm a little peckish.
So I take a fork.
There's no pita left.
And I dip right into the hummus.
Take a bite of that.
And I got looked at like I was an animal.
By your people at your table or by the rest of the restaurant?
People at the table, which to me, by other people, that'd be crazy.
Like I'm eating in a fish tank and stuff.
The whole restaurant.
I realize it's not classy, but is that because I caught a lot of flack for it
by the listeners
who are dirtbags themselves, but were like, that was nuts.
I gave him shit for it, but for a different reason, just because hummus by
itself is kind
of weird and gross.
Yeah, that's a that's a tough mouthful.
It's so grainy.
And that's why I'm in the business, baby.
I don't know what to tell you.
That's got good mouthfeel.
I can't remember the last time I was so upset with how long a restaurant was
taking that
I would mainline hummus.
I can't recall.
What would you say?
If you saw that, would you be like, that's on?
Would you let them take it?
Do you let them take things that aren't completely finished, even though that's
the end of the
course?
If we had run out of vessels with which to eat the hummus, I might have said
either.
I probably would have said, hey, may we have a few more pieces of pita, some
carrots, my
friend over here to do some vegetables, anything colorful.
Let's not do more pita.
Look at this.
Yeah.
I prefer to have fresh vegetables with hummus.
I like cucumbers.
Not bad.
Cucumber.
You bet your arch.
You know what sucks is a cherry tomato.
Those things don't grab anything.
They don't.
It's sheer.
They're very sheer.
Very sheer.
I don't even know why they're like, dude, you get that in the ranch dip in the
middle
of the grocery store.
You're going at least half a fingernail in there.
Yeah, yeah.
They just got no grip on them.
You know what I mean?
There's no structural integrity.
No, whatsoever.
And when you bite that thing, it fucking blows up in your mouth like a duster.
You better keep your teeth closed.
Yeah.
Sure.
All right.
Okay.
I mean, I knew I was wrong, but I was shocked at how wrong I was.
My take on this would be if you know the group of people that you're with so
intimately
that they know you, they know this is what you're going to do.
They better have fucking known me.
It's fine.
If I were with a group of people that I didn't know that well, I'm not going
into the dip
with a fork.
It's not just a, it's more of a spread.
Okay.
Sure.
It's not a dip, but it's again, spread dip, whatever it is.
Both of those words imply that it's going on something.
There's another verb happening.
That isn't a fork.
Yeah.
Are you, are you a last of the appetizer guy?
Like if there's still, um, I don't know, a fucking clams casino sitting there,
you gonna,
are you, will you, will you pull the trigger?
I, I am so, um, aggressive, unfortunately.
Because I figure you could go either way in this.
Look, here's what it is.
Uh, I have a gigantic appetite.
Sure.
And I always have.
Two-fifteen.
And everybody knows this about me.
That is.
I was.
Two-ten.
I'm down to two-ten, two-ten now.
Who goes down?
It's been a, it's been a journey.
Only offensive lineman in the NFL.
I've lost .2 pounds a year.
That's crazy, dude.
That's, I mean.
For 13 years.
Um.
Are you at your ideal weight?
Is this for you?
I'm fine.
I don't care.
Are you?
A couple more weeks on me there.
Trying to get to 818.
That's my area good.
Um.
That's awesome.
I gotta get the tattoo to make sense.
I was always, I was always shocked.
I was always shocked.
That was never, that's clearly not us, but I was just never that.
I was always shocked when people would be like, what do you weigh?
And they were all like 212, 215.
I'm like, you can, that, you're like, that's how small your window.
I mean, they're, also, I didn't step on a scale for a long time.
But if you were to ask me, I'd be like, 240, 290.
Like, I really, I really can't call it.
You know what I mean?
Morbidly obese.
Sure.
Heifer.
That's what the cardiologist does.
But go ahead.
I'm sorry.
So you have, you have a big appetite.
That's okay.
I like it when you guys do that stuff.
I always forget how folksy this podcast is.
I mean, that's even a good word for it.
We come in and you guys are doing this like, bing, bang, boom, pinball intro.
And I always love that.
It just, it's, it's charming.
We're old school, Francis.
It's great.
What is your caloric intake a day?
What are you about?
2,500?
I do.
I eat a lot.
You'd be surprised.
I mean, it's mostly healthy food.
See, dudes in shape, they can go, they sometimes, that's what I mean, at the
table, you might
be like, I don't give a fuck.
I'm going in.
What's anybody going to say to me?
I'm in, I'm in, you know what I mean?
So that's, okay.
So that's exactly what I was going to say.
There's an entitlement for sure.
Yes.
I, I size up the people around me.
There's some dainty females.
They're not eating.
Stiff arm.
And you have no self-consciousness.
Like, if I, if I'm, I've been in situations.
I have a shot clock.
If that thing has been sitting there and we've gone around the table, everybody's
had one.
They're telling stories, whatever.
And there's one or even two left.
And there's, nobody's picked up another one and it's starting to get cold.
I'm thinking, you guys have silently agreed that it's fine for someone else to
take another
one.
And if I go for it and someone says, Hey, we should probably divide that or
something.
Who would say that?
Like someone you're dating would, would, would scold you for that.
Okay.
Um, that just, I've never, I've never seen you understand something so quickly
in my life.
Yeah.
Well, as someone who knows you intimately might say like.
Someone knows you may not need it.
Let's see if someone else might want some.
Well, I do that.
That's what I'm saying.
I mean, as an in-shape guy, you don't have any hangups about that.
His isn't shame.
His is going, these are going, yours.
Mine's all shame based.
You're leading with shame.
He's going, no one's going to think I'm fat here, clearly.
But wait, why does your shame compel you to do it?
Not to do it.
To not do it.
He does.
He's fighting to not do it.
Because everyone's going to think, oh, this happened the other night with a
piece of Saganaki, to be honest with you.
I don't know what that is.
I thought that was a motorcycle.
250 CC Saganaki.
He had a motorcycle.
Let me get a couple of Suzukis over here.
It's fried cheese.
It's a Greek dish.
It's fried kefaluteri or halloumi cheese.
Oh, nice.
A little bit of light burning.
Delicious.
A little bit of tomato sauce and a little bit of lemon.
Fantastic.
But there was one piece left and nobody was fucking with it.
And when I made the move, I could feel the.
Yeah.
Oh, of course.
So it is a shame based thing.
We had an incident in.
Did you grab the halloumi?
The last piece?
And did anyone react?
Did anyone react?
It got quiet.
You both have now qualified yourselves by saying I picked up the check.
Yeah.
Because fuck you.
I'm paying for that.
You can't judge me.
I'm eating a mouthful.
I got a mouthful of hummus.
That's combative, though.
We have a lot of shame.
I find that combative from both of you.
What?
Why?
We got to have you back once a month.
It's as if someone were to say, it makes me think that you're ready with that.
Meaning if someone were to smack your hand as you're going for the last piece
of halloumi,
you'd been like, oh, yeah, I'm fucking paying for it.
I wouldn't say that.
No, I would never do that.
I would think it real hard.
Yes.
I would say.
I think you're both approaching how you want to eat and dine in your own way
defensively.
Yeah.
I mean, I'm getting made fun of for a while.
And I want you to enjoy yourselves.
I don't think you should be having that.
Can I tell you this?
In most company, in most circles that I'm running with, family-wise or whatever,
I want
to be the one to pick up the check because I want to be able to order and eat
the way
that I want to.
Spot on.
Does that make sense?
I couldn't agree more.
I couldn't agree more.
And I like to set that tone.
I absolutely agree with that.
But what I've learned, because I have been out with a group of my significant
other and
her friends, just girls.
Really?
And girls are, when it comes to dining, they are-
Scoring chicks.
No, you know, whatever.
They're communists.
It's all, we're sharing everything, no matter what.
I love that.
I used to think, well, that, they don't know, they're going to completely
underestimate
the needed amount because they'll always be like, would anyone like to steer
the ship?
Why don't you just order for all of us?
And it's like, you better fucking count three of me because-
Wait, you're letting one of them do that?
Look, this happened once and never again.
He's not over it.
Are you crazy?
But here's the flip, ready?
So they'll order what they think is enough.
You're letting some girl from Murray Hill order for you?
What are you, out of your mind?
Certainly not, Murray Hill.
I would never, I would never date a girl from Murray Hill.
That's classy to me.
I'm like, damn, you know a girl who's got a place in Murray Hill?
Yeah.
Oh, we're going back to your two bedroom that's been converted into a four?
We're going to have sex behind your built-in wall?
I'm living in one of them now.
Damn.
What'd she do for a living?
Are they hiring?
You only got four roommates?
Yeah.
Bro, I'm just killing it.
Okay.
What I've learned is that if I worry that they're not ordering enough food,
the flip is that women tend to be peckish around each other.
Okay.
And they don't eat that much, and I can come in.
You gotcha.
And scoop up.
They don't want to go, like, I ate a whole plate of calamari or whatever.
Because you can take advantage of their body dysmorphia, their eating disorders
to actually
satiate yourself.
I always, if I'm eating with my wife, I know for a fact, whatever, and we're
great with
that.
Like, we eat very well together.
Like, we like to both try different things and share everything.
But I know that I'm getting the back half of that chicken.
Yep.
Yep.
Or, you know, I'm getting the other half of that burger.
Right, right, right.
Exactly.
There really is, I hate to say it, and I'm not trying to be, you know, some
fucking old
fashioned douche, but, like, the lion's share.
These broads got small brains now.
The lion's share thing, you know?
There is something of that.