Name: Christina P Was STABBED By Her Son!
Uploaded: 2025-02-17T20:54:56.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Christina P Was STABBED By Her Son!' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Christina P Was STABBED By Her Son!' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-17. Transcript available.

So the hand.
Okay, so we live in Texas.
There's snakes in the backyard.
This morning I found a copperhead.
A poisonous snake.
Yes.
We're not talking about a gardener's snake or something like that.
Copperhead's in the backyard.
They're everywhere.
What are you doing back there?
Well, you play with the kids in the morning before school.
You got to move.
This is nuts.
Yeah.
That's crazy.
They don't leave.
So what I do is I pick them up.
I milk them, which I learned to do in Australia when I did road rules in the 90s.
Sure.
I mean, you casually say that.
What does that look like?
You're like, nobody's like, oh, yeah, you're just milking copperheads that you
find.
Dude, that's crazy.
Yeah.
So I pick it up, and you get a glass, and you just pop it onto the edge of the
glass.
Like Steve Irwin would do.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I go to do it.
I go to grab its neck because I've secured it because you put like a rod and
you secure the head.
I pick it up, and it got me.
It got me right there.
Wait, you got bit?
I was told you got cut.
No, no.
You have an active snake bite right now?
Yeah, of course.
Did you get anti-venom or whatever?
Yes, and it's going to make me a little sleepy.
So if I drift off.
Wait, you're fucking with this, right?
You sprained your hand at the gym.
Of course I'm fucking with this.
Okay.
You son of a bitch.
Jesus Christ, dude.
Man, I believe it.
That was so fun.
You got to be kidding.
I believe that 100%.
Oh, I'm so sad.
Because there are snakes and spiders down here.
So many.
That's why you'll never find my fat ass limit here.
No, I'll tell you why it really happened.
Okay, so my kids are garbage.
Oh, is that yoga?
Yeah, no.
No, it's kind of a garbagey thing.
So my two sons play with knives all the time.
What are they, in the circus?
What?
I mean, aren't they like eight and five?
That's, I mean.
They're nine and six, and they love playing with knives.
And last night, my older boy was cutting some box open with a knife, and I was
like, give
that to me, Ellis.
And I go to grab the knife, and he just jerks it back, and then it just slices
my hand open.
So instead of getting bit by a cottonmouth, you were stabbed by your son.
I don't know what's worse.
He got into a knife fight with a nine-year-old.
You were trying to disarm a nine-year-old.
Wait, hold on a second.
They like to play with knives, but you don't, like.
Do you buy them knives?
Are they, like, kitchen knives?
Buy them knives?
I don't know what these people are doing.
I'll take the kids away.
Wait, you just walk in and catch them.
Like, what are you doing?
So we have knives in our kitchen, like, cutting, normal cutting.
Like steak knives.
Yeah.
It's, like, actually, there are, like, the Cutco ones, the ones that they sell
door-to-door,
which I love.
The pyramid scheme ones.
Those are the best.
That was one of the first AYG questions.
Have you ever tried to sell Cutco knives?
Which a lot of people have done.
No, but I was this close to selling Tupperware.
Oh, my God.
Because I went to a Tupperware party, and I was like, this stuff's really good.
Practically sells itself.
Maybe, like, 2002.
Do you remember when Avon was banging?
Of course.
When the mom sold Avon?
Skin So Soft.
Remember Skin So Soft?
That shit kept everything away.
Did your mom sell Avon?
She didn't, but she was a big purchaser of Skin So Soft, used as an insect.
Bug spray.
We used to use it as bug spray in Philadelphia for some reason.
It had that funk to it.
I don't know what it was.
Mosquitoes hated it.
A lot of microplastics.
It wasn't good.
No, nothing was good in the 80s.
No.
Or the 90s.
Okay.
So go ahead.
Okay.
So anyway, just, you know, just knives.
And they...
This is last night.
This is last night.
Ellis, can you open up this Amazon box?
Okay, Mom, I'll do it.
And instead of grabbing scissors or whatever, he just grabs a kitchen knife.
And I'm like, no, no, no, not that one, bro.
And I go to grab it.
And he, you know, just wants the knife.
And it...
How bad of a slice?
Because you just got out of the ER right now.
So you wrote it out for the night.
Oh, man, you are trash.
You got cash.
What are you doing?
Because I'm...
See, this is what I want to talk to you guys about.
There's two types of trash.
These problems are above our pay grade.
I was going to say, this isn't terrible.
I think there's like...
I got an Adderall up soon, if you want it.
That's the best we can do for you.
There's like American trash.
I feel like this is...
Because this isn't our typical set.
I feel like we're sitting down with a murderer.
Like we're over here.
She's over there with an active wound.
And we're like, so where was the knife when you entered the room?
Christina, what are you doing here?
That's the thing.
But I'm Euro trash.
Yes, which we want to get into.
Yeah, we want to get into this.
But this is different.
Because in my mind, if I have cuts and just bleeding all night, which it was
bleeding all
night.
Bleeding all night.
All night.
It was red and wet.
And I was like, I can wait.
I got to go to this podcast tomorrow, you guys.
I've been looking forward to it.
I literally was like, I'll just wait until after the podcast.
What's he say?
What does Tom say?
He's not home.
He's not home.
He's in Boston tonight.
Because he would have been, go to the ER right now, I would assume.
That's what normal people...
Normal people would have done.
Who have self-care or...
Like, I don't have that.
What's the kid say?
Sorry.
No, he's devastated.
He was getting his alibi straight.
I was at the bar all night.
I don't know what she's talking about.
Why don't you keep your fucking mouth shut?
Snitches get stitches, ma.
He flips his blade.
For sure, yeah.
No, so, yeah.
So I tough it out.
Because in my mind, this is what you do.
I'm not crybaby pussies, go to hospital.
I can wait and see.
Wrap it up?
I wrapped it up.
What is your home method of wrapping something up?
I'm assuming it's some type of paper towel, hand towel, old rag.
There's some adhesive involved.
Of course.
Some iodine.
Yeah, I just squirted some neosporin on it.
Okay.
Because it creates like a gel.
Sure.
And then I just put like four Band-Aids, like regular sized.
Uh-huh.
And then they just bled through.
So you try to get creative with the Band-Aids.
Those never, when you're doing the four one way, three the other.
You're reinforcing them and stuff like that.
You need some balls, dog.
You know, you need medical attention.
I know.
That's what you need.
Not more Band-Aids.
I know.
It's never more Band-Aids.
You got to the ER.
Who put these six Garfield Band-Aids on you?
But that's my stupid, my stupid Polack brain.
It's like, I'll just put on like six Band-Aids.
I'll be fine.
You know what you needed was a butterfly.
Oh, shit.
Remember that?
In the day your mom would break out a butterfly on you?
Yeah.
She was like a fucking cardiac surgeon doing that shit.
No, we didn't have Band-Aids.
Band-Aids is weakness.
That's what I'm telling you.
That's weak.
Sure.
Did you have health insurance growing up?
Such a good question.
I've never, in 400 episodes, I've never had to ask it.
But I feel like it was.
Do you have health insurance now?
Let's start there.
Now I have money.
So, yeah.
But do you.
Do you even remember going to the dentist for like preventative?
Yes.
No.
Oh.
No, we were.
We were.
It was like a collision.
It was like we got a car.
You had to go.
You went and got your fucking teeth cleaned every year with the bubblegum fluoride.
You did?
I was filling cavities.
We were mainly a cavity.
I remember having so many cavities.
One time my mom yelled at me when I got in the car.
She goes, they're going to take you away.
I had like 13 cavities at eight years old.
They're going to take you away.
Man, they're taking you away for bad teeth.
Where will they take you?
That's a nice part of town.
I don't know.
The dentist's house.
I don't know.
Dude, my teeth were falling out of my head.
It was bad.
That's what I think, too.
Like, I don't remember.
Because I take my kids preventatively.
And now they put stuff in there so that they don't get molar cavity.
Like, there's all these things.
It's called fluoride.
Right.
Yeah.
We didn't do that until you knocked a tooth out.
Really?
Oh, my God.
That's crazy.
We're about the same age.
You weren't getting the bubblegum fluoride, something out of the treasure chest?
I'm telling you, you're old trash.
Jesus.
We didn't even know about this.
Like, we didn't even know.
My parents didn't even know, like, what Star Wars the movie was.
All right.
Let's go back.
Let's take it back.
Yeah, let's take it back.
Before we go, though, how many stitches do you have?
Okay.
So, they actually didn't need to sew.
They used Steri-Strip.
All right.
So, there's, like, four.
Okay.
There's four thing gluing.
They glue them together.
They're gluing my skin together.
And then I just keep this on.
And they gave you a little Novocaine when they did it?
Yeah, Lidocaine.
Anything else for later to give you?
Dude, I wish.
A couple of Zanny bars or something?
A couple of tombstones?
Take the edge off?
I was this close to asking.
Uh-huh.
And I was like, I look like a junkie.
Yeah.
You wrote me a script for a Percocet and a White Claw?
Be all right in a couple hours.
You wrote me a script for a Percocet and a White Claw?