Name: White Girl with An Indian Step Dad!
Uploaded: 2025-02-18T18:30:42.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'White Girl with An Indian Step Dad!' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'White Girl with An Indian Step Dad!' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-18. Transcript available.

Yeah, well, my mother – so my mother was schizophrenic and crazy.
Gotcha.
So he was like, I got to go.
And, yeah, but he –
These California girls, huh?
I just picture him riding away on his forklift.
I know.
I'll call you.
But he'll always live nearby, and they split custody.
So, okay.
So then you stayed primarily with mom?
Primarily with mom.
Brothers and sisters?
No.
Only child.
Until I'm 12, my mother remarries to an Indian guy who's a criminal.
What?
What?
It's so – like, I should write 10.
Who remarries an Indian guy?
I've never heard that.
I know.
I've never heard that my mom remarried an Indian guy.
I mean, that's wild.
But what's exciting is that that's a whole new layer of garbage.
Sure.
Because they – he liked – for instance, he would make samosas for me.
That ain't bad.
Don't get – never mind.
I wish my mom remarried an Indian guy.
I didn't have one of those until like two years ago, man.
Those things are banging.
They're great.
A little chutney or something.
Yeah.
But instead of regular beef, he would use the Taco Bell seasoning.
That's probably not that bad.
I mean, that's pretty good.
That's all right.
It's so good.
That's like a cheesesteak egg roll, basically.
Yeah.
We could be doing more with those samosa wraps.
We really could.
I know.
I know.
There's a lot of stuff around the table.
They really should.
Buffalo chicken samosas?
To marry an Indian guy and get this thing started.
Small business.
Yeah.
By ninth grade, I start to realize that like my home life is weird.
That something's up.
Like my mom's crazy.
My dad's crazy.
I've got this Indian stepdad.
I've got three new stepsisters that are Indian.
Oh, okay.
So you've got three new stepsisters.
Are you getting along with them at all?
Loved them.
Great.
Nice.
A relief.
How much older are they than you or younger than you?
They're about – we're all – I have one that's like a year older, one that's
five
years older, and one that's about four years younger.
Perfect.
All right in the mix.
So fun.
And I love them, and I'm thrilled to have a family.
And your mom kind of levels off a little bit.
She's doing okay?
It's great because now she ignores me.
So now I'm free.
Okay.
So meaning she's –
Her focus – her – yeah, crazy focus is not on you.
Now it's on the –
Are you back living there?
Do you move in with them?
Yeah, I bounce – every year I go back and forth.
I get kicked out of my mom.
My mom can't take me.
My dad – I get annoyed with my dad.
I go back to live with my mother.
It's like fucking terrible.
What does the Indian stepdad do?
Girls of divorce do that.
Indian stepdad does well?
He's the best.
So my Indian stepdad is a criminal genius.
He passed away, so I can tell these stories.
What?
Brilliant man.
So he – he escaped.
He escaped.
I told you about the samosas.
It's so good.
Also, that's a book, My Indian Stepdad.
The Mastermind Criminal.
So good.
That's really good.
My Indian Stepdad is the name of your next special something.
Oh, it's so good.
No one's ever said that.
Oh, why Indian Stepdad?
Because Indian guys wouldn't say, my Indian stepdad.
They would just be their stepdad.
But I bring him in.
So he's brought up in like Bombay, and he's poor as shit, and he only wants to
come to America.
Sure.
He somehow gets in our U.S. military, goes to Stuttgart to station there,
finally comes to America, comes to Van Nuys, which at the time was good.
It was the 70s, which is the San Fran Valley again.
And basically what immigrants do.
I don't know if you guys, you don't know, immigrants are geniuses, especially
if they're criminal.
You figure out loopholes.
You find the holes, yeah.
So he was a brilliant mind at loophole findings.
And he had scammed a couple ladies before he met my mother.
He would marry blonde ladies, take their credit, and establish businesses, make
millions and millions of dollars, not pay taxes, file bankruptcy.
Millions.
Do it again.
Millions.
Whoa.
So I went from living in a two-bedroom apartment in the valley with my mom,
like an immigrant, whatever, and she meets this guy because she decides it's
time to get married.
Where do they meet?
This is the best part.
Interpol.
So she puts an ad.
This is 1988.
What?
Get the fuck out of here.
She puts an ad in the Indian-
You should be a supervillain by now.
I know.
The fact you haven't turned this for evil and you live a life for comedy is
crazy.
Are you going to murder us when we're done here?
I should be a sociopath.
Oh, my God.
Puts an ad in the paper.
So in the Indian newspaper, because she is convinced, she says to me, I like
Indian men.
They are tall, dark, and handsome.
And they are-
Which I'm like, I'm pretty sure that's not-
Wait, there's an Indian newspaper?
There's an Indian newspaper in California?
Yes, because there's a lot of Indian people.
Okay.
And she wants Indian men.
So she puts an ad and she says,
A buxom European woman seeks educated Indian man for marriage.
Sorry, well off.
Basically, you have to be rich.
Okay.
Sure.
For marriage.
For marriage.
They hear that shit.
They're coming running.
Yeah.
So we received bags of letters.
Is your mom very attractive?
She was stunning.
Yeah.
And I mean, huge tits, blonde hair, blue eyes, like an Aryan goddess.
I was wondering what buxom meant.
She is, she was stunning.
She was a model in Hungary before she escaped.
I mean, she was just banging, right?
So we get these bags of letters and the one letter that catches her eye is of
this guy,
I would say, Subhash, this is Indian name.
And he's in front of a Mercedes convertible.
They're sending pictures?
Photos, of course.
Man.
Imagine going through the letters with your mom.
Hey, do you want to bang this Indian dude?
That's crazy.
And he's got the Mercedes and Armani suit, a Roli.
And he's got those old school car phones, the brick, dude.
The big cars.
The Zach Morris.
That's pretty good.
What also?
Dude, posing for that in the 80s is, that's money.
He's wild, dude.
So she sees that.
She's slipping out of her seat.
She's fucking done, dude.
A month later, they're married.
One month.
One month.
And I remember putting bets on it with my new stepsisters, my new stepfamily,
how long this
marriage will last.
And I was like, it's got to be a year tops because my mom's like super crazy.
She's hot, but she's nuts.
There's no way.
They lasted 17 years.
They were a fantastic couple.
That's awesome.
Good for them.
Because they were both bananas, bonkers, batshit, crazy.
And they would do business together.
I don't know what he did.
Just like perfectly intertwined.
There was no like friction.
Their craziness is married and did well.
It was lovely.
And he was, sadly enough, the most paternal and functional of my step-parents.
Gotcha.
And my dad, he loved comedy.
He loved Jay Leno.
He and I would watch comedy together.
And we would tell jokes.
And we would, you know, fart at the table.
And he was fun.
I have memories of going to Rite Aid for ice cream.
Or Thrifty.
It's called Thrifty in LA.
For pistachio ice cream.
He loved that.
And he'd go, hold on.
He was fat.
He was really fat.
And I did not picture him fat.
Really?
I didn't picture him either.
He was very fat.
Because he grew up poor.
So when he came to America, he was eating pizza and bear claws.
You don't have to tell me.
You're Indian?
He was a fat guy.
He loved ice cream.
So he said, let's go to Thrifty and get some ice cream.
And we'd get in the car.
And he'd go, hold on a minute.
And he would get out of the car.
And he would take a blade.
And he would slash some guy's tires in the parking lot.
And then get back in the car.
And then we would just go to Thrifty and get our ice cream.
Why?
Some guy did him dirty.
Some business.
Oh.
It was like payback.
Some guy did him dirty.
So going to get the ice cream was a partial cover.
Well, it was.
No, he wanted ice cream.
Ice cream, yeah.
But he just had to do this errand.
Yeah.
I mean, you're not going to do that.
Go home, then go get ice cream.
You're going to knock it all out while you're in the car.
Just knock it out.
Because it was on the way.
The parking lot was at the, it was right.
It was on the way.
So he just pulls over.
We go.
I'm like, what's, what's, you know, Subash doing?
Oh, he's just slashing his hair in the car.
And my mother was there, too.
And that was their dynamic.
Yeah, they would start, he would start fights in like grocery stores, like
telling people
to shut their, you know, shut your fucking kid up.
And then my mother would hype it.
He's like, my mom was her, my mom was a hype man.
And I know, look at your face.
Also, this, this.
You opened this up with, he was the most paternal person.
He was.
But here's the crazy part.
Is that, to me, like the coolest.
Sure.
Stepdad.
Of course.
I lucked out.
And look, a lot of stepdads are like super molesty and pervy.
Like he wasn't like, he encouraged me to be comedian.
That's great.
I know.
It's kind of sad that this is like the most supportive adult I had.
But.
You're like to slash tires.
Yeah.
Our lawn got set on fire because some, some, somebody was retaliating against
him.
Whatever he did.
So, so I wanted to work when I was a teenager and I legally, I had to be 15.
He changed my birth certificate.
What?
So I could work legally, legally.
So my birth certificate, he augment, he could do that.
Like he would fix papers.
Back in the day, you could in the nineties.
I was like white out in a typewriter and you could do it.
Yeah.
It was that easy.
You could fix a loan docs.
You could fix pay payroll or pay stubs.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We do.
I'll, I'll do that for our play.
If they're trying to get a lease or something, there's someone, somebody,
they were trying to get a lease.
They're like, I don't make enough.
I'm like, I write the checks.
Yeah, you do.
What are you talking about?
You don't have New York.
If we, if you document the papers, right?
Idiots.
Yeah.
I, we also, I have that thing of like.
In your family too?
Or you do it?
Well, my.
Yeah.
A little bit.
Well, yeah, there was some.
Not, not criminal, but just morally questionable.
They're not loan sharks.
Let's put it that way.
Yeah.
They're not loan sharks.
They're not loan sharks.