Name: The Rules of the Suburbs! w/ History Hyenas
Uploaded: 2025-03-08T21:23:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Rules of the Suburbs! w/ History Hyenas' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-03-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Rules of the Suburbs! w/ History Hyenas' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-03-08. Transcript available.

So this is what I learned, right?
I didn't know.
I had no idea about this rule, that the community gets upset about this,
every community.
We got the blow-up pool for the little girls, and we started—
You're doing backyard-front yard on that.
Well, that—
Oh, my God.
I didn't know.
That's the king of the burbs.
I know where this is going.
This guy's grilling in the driveway.
I had no clue.
I had no clue that I was an eyesore on the community.
That's a backyard thing.
Yes, do not do that in the front yard.
Why?
Why is that?
We were on the front.
We got a nice fucking—I mean, you know, we're hosing it down.
That's backyard shit.
I can't explain it to you.
You can't let other people see that.
We don't want to see you hosing it down, giving your kids a bath in the front
of your house.
Yanni's got the purples out there.
I also got a lamb on the spit roast.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was also leaving the boots.
You want the air out?
I was leaving the boots outside the front door.
No.
You can't do that.
That's all backyard shit.
Backyard shit.
I knew that, yeah.
Why is that?
You got a side door?
Huh?
You got a side door?
No, we got a back door and front door.
That's backyard or mini garage shit, whatever you want to do.
I didn't know you're not supposed to use the front lawn.
Listen, I bought—
It's not for use?
Nah.
No.
That's for presentation.
You want to throw the ball around?
You can't put the barbecue in the front, right?
No.
Yeah, you're going to get deported.
They're going to get back to Queens.
Yeah.
They already have meetings.
They're like, there's a Greek living on the block now, so just be careful
around that.
It's like Chinatown, buddy.
I do agree.
I mean, I get that in the front yard seems normal.
You'd be like, oh, it is more community.
Hey, I'm out here.
Yeah, I'm out here.
Come on over.
I'm waving.
How you doing?
You passing by?
Because in the backyard, it's very by yourself.
But that's what the suburbs are.
Hide your seat of.
The suburbs is an American invention, too.
Like, most other countries, they don't have that.
Everyone lives proximity to the city, whatever.
But the suburbs, this is America, baby.
Long Island, first suburbs, right?
Yeah.
Even owning a home.
There's a Levittown outside.
You know, even owning a home, like how we all say, oh, we got to own your rent
or your
fucking got a mortgage.
Like, in England, they're like, well, I don't know why you would own.
Like, you can own, but they're like, this is not a, it's like not a goal of
theirs.
It's not the dream, yeah, yeah, yeah.
They're like, we can, we're fine renting.
CQ doesn't own.
Colin Quinney told us on the show.
It's crazy.
No, he's been rented for years.
I bought, I bought my first car ever, uh, is, was a Chevy Lumina, 1995 Chevy
Lumina.
Shout out, shout out, shout out to Lumina.
I bought it again, kind of as like a, just, I wanted to buy my first car.
I think it's funny when people get money, they buy like Porsches and stuff.
I'm like, I'll just buy a piece of shit car from the 90s.
Well, that, because there's something like, like, guys like you, Philly, New
York, you
don't believe that this is happening.
Right.
Yeah, there's certain.
Also, I don't roll in a circle where I can drive, where I can pull up in a
Porsche.
No, I've seen old pictures of you.
One of my cousins would steal it.
I've seen old pictures of you.
I've seen those old pictures.
And let me tell you something.
Your life is a fucking miracle.
I know.
I mean, a miracle on fucking, a miracle on fucking Benjamin Franklin Park Park.
Sure.
I should be driving a truck.
Miracle on Broad Street.
I mean, the trash that this kid was.
Yeah.
I mean, have you seen his old pictures?
I mean, we're talking about partying in a fucking first floor of a Ramada Inn.
Yes.
I mean, I was a days in, and it was the third floor.
Yeah.
It was a fucking trash bag.
Yeah.
I mean, these guys, these fucking Wawa twins are a Philly miracle.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But I bought, so now I'm at my house.
I'm at my house in a burbs.
Nice joint.
You know what I mean?
And Neighbor, Neighbor's a very nice, very nice, very big home.
Neighbor does.
Very stereotypical suburban family.
You know what I mean?
Guy's a doctor.
She's a, you know, home.
Stays at home.
But she's in very good shape.
Very, you know, pretty lady.
And I pull up.
I'm like, I get the car, and it's a fucking proper piece of shit.
And now it's just got to live in the driveway.
You see it.
I'm like, which one is it?
He's like, you see the lumen?
And I'm like.
Yeah, it's a tough look.
And she's like, oh, what's that?
She walked out.
And I'm like, I bought the first car I ever had.
Kind of sentimental, you know, like kind of a bit.
I mean, you know, that was fun.
She went, oh.
She's like.
She's got it backed in like a psychopath.
She went, looks expensive.
And walked and closed the door.
And I was like, well, now I get she knows there's just going to be a piece of
shit car parked next to her house.
And they work very hard.
So what you're going to see in a couple of weeks is a little thing we call a
for sale sign.
Or a privacy fix.
And Chrissy, you can move in.
We can be neighbors.
Or a little bit of news.
I'm also going to be spending more time down there this summer because my wife
is expecting a child.
Oh, congratulations.
Believe this guy.
So the idea.
So I'm.
How far along is she?
Fucking leaving me high and dry up here.
Four months.
Congrats.
Thank you.
You can tell after.
What is it?
Three months?
Yeah, yeah.
Three months.
You can tell.
So we're going to be.
The idea is because we have the apartment here, but the space and the just
everything is easier in the burbs because it's bigger.
Of course.
Is we're going to be go there.
And then I go, that might be the last.
I don't know if we're ever going to come back and spend more time here.
What's the what's the.
No, you'll come in for work.
Yeah.
What's the drive?
An hour.
Not bad.
Not bad.
How many.
You come in at what?
Three days a week for this?
Yeah.
Two, three days a week.
Depends on the road schedule.
I mean, people could do that.
I mean, people do that every day.
They do that.
One hour is nothing.
I just.
Yeah.
I just.
Once I see myself living there as much, I go.
What the fuck am I going to go back to a one bedroom in Washington Heights for?
Yeah.
You're probably not.
Well, you can't.
Because it's one.
By the way, it's not going to stop at one.
No.
It's probably going to be two, three.
I mean, girls are just getting a nicer hotel.
I don't need to go to fucking office.
Or 270 Street.
Take it somewhere nice.
Take it like a Candlewood Sweets or something nice.
Or you can rent it to Dominicans that are hiding from ice.
True.
Not me.
I'm staying Astoria, Queens.
Hell yeah.
Can they drag me out of the apartment?
That's what it is.
Which could be in a couple of days.
I was going to say.
Well, they're not going to drag them.
They have to cut the wall open.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's going to be a couple of hefty guys helping out.
You can have neighbors coming over, give it a hand.
No way.
I can't do it.
But how did you know the feedback of the pool in the front yard?
Did somebody go, hey, you can't be doing that?
Because Verzi's up there.
Then Verzi go, buddy, you can't be doing that.
You should have talked to Paul Verzi about that.
No, this is what Verzi did.
This is what Verzi did, right?
First of all, some strange looks from neighbors.
Hi, some waves with some interesting looks.
Is this just in the summer?
Is that thing up there now?
No, no, summer.
Did you winterize it?
No.
But even right now, I got a shovel right outside the front door.
That's a no-no, right?
The body, nothing.
The front should be.
No, no, fuck that.
Unless it's snow.
Did it snow?
Off to the side.
Yeah, it's off to the side of the door.
Is there snow on the ground?
There's snow on the ground.
I got to move it now.
I'm trying to learn the rules.
So with no snow on the ground, you got to move it.
Is there a half-used bag of rock salt next to it?
No.
No, but no.
Put a coffee mug in there.
That's in the garage.
That's in the garage.
The rock salt's in the garage.
Yeah.
Yeah, I say shovel at the front door.
Fuck them.
It's not like an old one.
It's a nice shovel, right?
Nice shovel.
How about this?
I had to take...
Sorry to cut you off because you just made me think of it.
Two weeks ago, I had to take my little daughter right to the doctor because my
nine-year-old
daughter, the cup that we use for the salt, for the ice, she filled it up with
water and
gave it to my fucking daughter to drink a little rock salt.
But it's fine, though.
Jesus.
But it actually doesn't do anything to you.
So if the kid's at home, I mean, you should go to the doctor, but the doctor
said it's
actually not that big of a deal.
It's good to know.
That's what they say when it's cirrhosis of the liver.
You don't listen to these quacks.
That's a queen's doctor, though.
They might say something different in the burbs.
Yeah.
Okay.
No, so Verzi...
Yeah, Verzi just...
At some point, it came up, and he didn't say me.
He was just like, you know, it's like people who have all their stuff in the
front of the
house.
And then in my mind, I went, oh, is he passively aggressive?
Do you think that was a subtle jab at the poppers?
He's trying to do you a favor.
He's like, you know, people that got stuff in the front of the house, next
thing you know,
they got fucking goats are throwing on wigs, making believe they're transsexuals,
going
that's it.
I don't know if he meant it, but that's what made me think of it.
Gotcha.
Oh, you can't have the pool in the front?
No.
It does make sense.
It is more communal.
I get that.
If you're going to hang out, you want to see other pay, you know, and Sally,
Demi, the
whole nine yards.
Yeah.
You got to do that in the back.
That's a backyard thing.
All right.
It's good to know.
So that's officially a trashy move?
Yeah.
My aunt and uncle built one on this, put an above ground pool on the side of
the house.
Luckily, it collapsed like three years later.
I didn't pull the right permits for that.
Above ground pool on the side of the house.
Side that has a nice neighborhood.
You almost never see that.
That's rough.
Yeah.
Shit.
I was always, you know, above ground pools are the trashier pool of, you know,
versus
an in-ground.
But you avoid the taxes.
You look at the price point on them things.
Yeah.
And how quickly they can be up and running.
And the water's cooler and refreshing.
It makes so much fucking sense.
And if you get a guy to build nice.
A nice deck around it.
A nice deck around it.
Yeah.
I got the whole, my mom's, hold that.
It's all deck.
My whole backyard's all deck.
It's an above ground pool with a deck.
It's an above ground in-ground.
Yeah.
That's what it is.
That's what it is.
It's pretty tough.
But you get no taxes.
They don't tax you on that, right?
I don't know.
Because it's not a permanent.
Wait, they tax you for a pool?
Oh, it's a permanent fixture?
Oh, yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
You get hit.
That's the whole point for the above ground pool.
So your property tax goes up?
I looked at a house in Dobbs Ferry, New York.
Really nice area.
Yeah.
I looked at a house, and I go, and the house was cheap, right?
And they said, oh, this house's got a very cool feature, believe it or not.
It's got an in-ground pool.
It's got an indoor pool.
I like that.
I said, what the fuck?
An indoor pool at that price?
There it is.
There it is.
Sorry about that.
I did that.
Don't worry about it.
Buddy, that ain't you.
You're 190 pounds.
I chipped away at it.
But you will take the blame.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now my insurance is going to go up.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.