Name: "The Best Restaurants Take CASH ONLY!?"
Uploaded: 2025-03-24T18:30:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '"The Best Restaurants Take CASH ONLY!?"' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-03-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '"The Best Restaurants Take CASH ONLY!?"' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-03-24. Transcript available.

Okay, this is from Anthony, our $10 homie here never had one ride.
Kid can't spell.
Anthony.
What's our thoughts on paying the restaurant bill in all cash?
We know about tipping in cash is classy,
but what about paying the entirety of the bill in cash?
I recently went out to eat with my family for my mom's birthday,
and I paid a $350 tab in all 20s and 10s.
Felt like the waiter was looking at me like I sold drugs.
Left a $50 tip, though.
How you doing?
Give me that $350 bill, $50 tip.
I think that's under 20%.
Anthony, what are you doing?
It might have been a $300 bill, but that's still low, I think.
Coach those numbers.
Give them the benefit of the doubt.
$300 times .20.
That's under, because $20 would be $60.
20% would be $60.
Is that right?
Yeah.
Whoa.
How'd you do that that fast?
I can spot lottery numbers, too.
It's just $20.
What's 20% of 100?
I don't know.
What's 20%?
No, no, no.
Let's walk through it.
What's 20% of 100?
20.
Okay.
How many hundreds are in 300?
Three.
So what's three times 20?
60.
There you go.
You did it.
It's a long way to go to find out Anthony's a cheap son of a bitch.
Don't fucking do it.
Anthony, I think you're a great guy, and I'm happy you never had one ride.
The tip notwithstanding, and plus we don't know all the details, so we don't
want to trash you.
It's a little too late for that now.
You're dragging his good name.
The server shouldn't have gave you a fucking funny face.
That's what they want.
Listen, every single restaurant in the world, if they could get by doing cash
only, they would.
Every server, every restaurant owner, cash only, they would love that.
Because the best restaurants don't take reservations and are cash only.
I'd push back on that now.
Not at all.
Not at all.
Those old school joints.
I'm not saying, I'm listening.
When you can do just cash.
Hold on, hold on.
Oh, wait.
You're moving the goalposts, which I allow you to do, but you said the best
restaurants in the world,
or the country, or wherever, don't take reservations or cash.
I'd have to push back on you.
You mean like as far as like Michelin and all that kind of stuff?
Just the best restaurants, the restaurants we go to that we really enjoy, that
we think are the best,
that take reservation, they definitely take, they definitely take credit cards.
A lot of old school.
Dude, I haven't paid cash in a fucking restaurant building cash in fucking 10
years.
Because they can't get away with it.
Okay, so that's changed.
A lot of old school places.
Old school is different than the best.
That are good.
That are really good.
They do that because they can get away with it.
They don't need to do credit cards.
I completely agree with you.
Because people will still show up.
I completely agree with you.
All right, thank you.
So, Anthony, fuck that guy.
No, I, listen, I do get what.
The 10s and 20s.
This is what it's saying.
You're just, you're going, you're just arguing a different point.
10s and 20s is a tough look.
10s are bad.
The 20s are okay.
10s are somehow more crackhead than a 5.
Because a 5 means you had money before and had debris.
You can get a 10 out of an ATM.
That's a tough look.
That's crazy.
But I used to have to find ATMs that did 10s.
Shout out to 17th and Diamond in North Philly.
I would go take out $10 and spend $5.50 on a chicken, cheese steak, salt, and
pepper on the fries, Poppy.
And a large Diet Pepsi.
That's where my love affair for Diet Pepsi started.
$4.50 in your pocket.
Yeah.
Pack of heaters.
Maybe I'll get you halfway to a pack.
If I had another dollar left over from before.
Sure.
That's half.
That's a pack of heaters.
Pack of heaters was probably $5.50 back in the day.
Yeah, trying to find.
It's funny because the nicer banks, when you go to an ATM at the bank.
Yeah.
How do you want this?
That's math I can't do quick.
Well, it figures it out for you.
Yeah, it'll just give it to you.
Yeah, I know.
But it's like, do you want?
I had to take out a guy.
I had to pay someone off the books.
Luke?
No, I just.
Somebody.
What are you talking about?
What are you doing my business for?
Was it me?
I'm doing a comedy bit here.
Let's go.
And I had to take out a couple hunch.
Mm-hmm.
And that was like, I don't like walking around with hundreds because you can't
use them for nothing.
Mm-hmm.
My cash is tips to people.
Mm-hmm.
A five here, there, 20 here.
Are you done?
Are you done?
Are you done?
Are you done?
Fucking Henry Hill all of a sudden.
Chicken Parmesan.
Keep them coming.
But I was paying somebody $200.
I wanted to give them hundreds.
That's a gentleman's bill.
Hundreds.
Hundreds.
Sure.
Tens are grime time.
But isn't it funny that.
That's a pretty good thing.
It's grime time.
Isn't it funny?
New shirts coming soon.
Grime time.
How they used to look down on people that would go to ATMs like me.
They'd have to go to the ATM, try to get $10 out of it, try to find an ATM with
tens.
Now the nice banks, they're giving it away.
I know, but I don't think they're, you're not just taking out 15 bucks.
Sure.
You're taking out a couple hundred.
Because now I think it's more appointment.
Before you used to have to have cash.
Now you're going, people are going, oh shit, I need, I don't have any cash.
I need 70 bucks to give to my roommate.
So they're letting you get that 70 bucks.
Right.
Before you're going, I just need cash.
I'll go break it.
But whatever.
Now it's going, come here, get cash.
Because we'll give you exactly what you're looking for.
Because nobody just needs 80 bucks.
You need 75.
What'd you just have in your mouth there?
I don't know.
Piece of hair?
Something.
Freak show.
What do you mean?
I got a piece of hair in my mouth.
I trimmed my pubes earlier.
That sucked my dick.
I'll wet my, I'll wet my whistle.
This guy's all over me today.
Softening the.
You're like Brian Scalabrini.
Softening the reed.
What?
You know, on the saxophone.
Sure.
I'll throw your music levers out there.
I think it's in my microphone.
Okay.
Anthony, great question.
Yeah, I listen, I like painting cash.
I do agree that it's, if you want to come like, listen, paint what I,
in America, that's legal tender, paying fucking pennies.
That's a dickhead move, but that's your legal right as an American.
I would, tens is a tough look.
As you know, that's why he wrote in.
If you can, level up, hey, hundreds, you know, whatever.
If you can.
But I like that move.
You say stop at a bank and say, hey, can you.
Yeah, but then it's like, fuck it.
Give him the tens.
Fuck that guy.
He's getting the cash.
Fuck that guy.
He's getting a 12% tip.
Fuck him.
I always get funny looks if I have to do that.
If I go to, because Navy Federal, it's hard
to find a branch, hard to find a branch.
But if I go to another bank, take out money, and then go inside
and be like, hey, I had to do that for a wedding not that long ago
because the ATM only gave 20s.
I wasn't going to give 20s.
And I went in.
I was like, hey, can you change this for hundreds?
What'd they say?
No.
They're holding it up in the light and stuff.
I'm pretty sure I gave my cousin a handful.
Oh, it is what it is.
Of 20s.
20s are good now.
You need 20s.
I'm a 20s and 5s guy.
I gave it to the groom with no envelope.
I was like, here, this is for you guys.
Oh, that's a dirt thing.
It was like I handed him a little grenade.
He's like, thanks.
I'll put it in the box.
I'll put it in the box.
Keep that for you.
For you.
For you.
But as a former server, I can tell you this.
There ain't nothing better when somebody hands you a thing full of cash
and says, do you need change?
No.
Boom.
Out the door.
You're doing all right, Ant.
Yeah.
You're a good kid.
You're a good kid.
You're a good kid.