Name: The NIGHTMARE of the Fat School Safety Patrol Kid!
Uploaded: 2025-03-25T19:52:41.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The NIGHTMARE of the Fat School Safety Patrol Kid!' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-03-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The NIGHTMARE of the Fat School Safety Patrol Kid!' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-03-25. Transcript available.

Were you a safety back in school?
Yeah, sixth grade.
In grade school?
You were.
You were on the job, huh?
You had to.
All sixth graders did it, yeah.
I didn't qualify.
Or maybe not everybody.
I had flat feet.
I remember.
And a fat ass.
Boy's got a dump truck on him.
I didn't pass the psych profile.
You're in there.
You got a gun to your head.
You're like, listen, doc, you ain't never seen shit like this.
Hey, listen, buddy.
I served two tours out by the buses.
I've seen some shit.
I took my badge away.
I remember as a fat kid.
Nobody listening to you.
No, I did.
That was a hard ass.
Were you to chase me?
Those kids were always dicks.
So we had.
I don't know what you guys had, but we had the.
It was like I'd never seen anything.
Only the safety badge.
It was an orange thing that went like that.
And then it went around.
It clipped and wrapped.
Did you ever see that?
Imagine like.
You wore yours like.
You wore yours like a gangster wears a tie hanging down.
I was.
I've never expressed.
I've never expressed this to another soul.
I was so nervous that it was not going to fit.
Starting in fourth grade.
So for two whole years.
I every time I was like, man, I'd be looking at that was like my summer bot.
Like I was trying to get my my beach body was I was like by sixth grade.
I'm going to lose the weight and be able to fit.
You need a seatbelt extender for your safety strap.
But for whatever reason, I the fucking fat kid gods look down upon thee and
they were they had a big box of them and they were I think I had tried one.
Oh, I got my hands on one.
Yeah.
I went to an Army Navy store or probably tried my brother's on or something.
And mine for whatever they were just going through randomly out of a box.
And the one I got was slightly different and bigger.
Uh-huh.
And man.
A little different shade of orange.
It was a little lighter, a little lighter orange.
Not that deep or not that deep tropicana we're talking on.
And man, it clicked.
Oh, how you couldn't tell me shit.
And I had a great post.
I was down outside the.
So I was outside.
So the bus has come up.
Officer eyebrows over here.
I really thought I was on the job.
I was talking.
Hey, no, in Pinkerton.
He was our adopted cop.
Fat motherfucker.
Would you put your plate in your bulletproof vest?
No, but I would be cool.
And I would take the cool kids didn't have it around here.
Uh-huh.
The cool kids had it around the waist.
Sure.
And then let, like, the hoop drag down, like a chain, kind of like a chain
wallet.
You do ankle gun or right here?
I did.
Do it Serpico style?
I did.
Sold off around the back.
Fucking spin it around.
What'd you say, punk?
Get on the bus.
I'm chewing gum.
I'll just say, I don't want any fucking trouble today.
It's in the trees, Johnny.
I had a great post, dude.
Because you got out of class a little early.
Like 10 minutes.
10 minutes.
It was probably two and a half.
I had to get down to my post.
You know what I mean?
Cash in your pension.
I had to relieve the cop who was on duty.
I'm sitting in an old, like, Monte Carlo, like a stakeout.
I got a cup of coffee on the dash.
You got a new guy with you.
Aren't we going to the office?
You're in the office, baby.
I didn't know you get wet.
Smash mouth starts playing.
I didn't know you get wet.
I dipped your chicken fingers in sherm.
How's your Spanish, huh?
Better learn that shit.
Motherfuckers will be out here plotting on you.
Kippy.
Oh, shit, man.
But I was right next to the buses.
So when my bus pulled up, 73 Purple or whatever it was, I would be the first
guy on the bus.
See, post it up.
Wait, why?
Shouldn't you have?
You were supposed to let everybody on, make sure.
Until your bus comes, then I'm off duty.
I got to get my cool guy seat.
You didn't finish the job and let everybody get on the bus and then you get on?
Like a good leader would?
No.
And then you say to the bus driver, let's go.
First of all, I was 10.
I was talking about a good leader.
I was fucking 10 years old.
Should have said.
I helped all the little kids get on a bus.
Hey, get on there.
Probably going through their lunches.
Your sister.
I was a nice guy.
Sister asking about me?
Tell her I got a good job.
Good post.
20 years.
Good bennies, huh?
I got to be out.
We could go move to Boca or something.
Woo-wee, man.
I remember praying.
Praying that that fucking band would fit for years.
I was so nervous.
I imagine, like, future Kippy coming in and, like, it's like a 30-year-old Kippy
handing
you the belt.
John Connor.
You're good, kid.
You got to eat all the tater tots in the cafeteria.
I was always nervous about the pennies when it was penny day.
We didn't really mess with the pennies.
We got lucky.
Oh, yeah.
You look like a few.
I mean, you look like 10 pounds of shit in a five-pound bag wearing a penny.
Tough, because it would pull up your teeth.
It rides up.
Yeah.
No good.
They always smelled like dog dick.
Yikes.
Hey, buddy.
I can't be going down to the squad room smelling like a bum's nut sack.
I know, dude.
You would pull those things out of the box and be like, hey, Mr. Smith, did you
keep this
in your asshole last night?
You seem to stink.
But yeah, big bussy.
Loved it.
He couldn't tell me shit.
That was the coolest thing to me, being a bussy.
Having a job.
I always just wanted a job.
Go to work with my dad.
Ever tell you I went down?
I was on a shutdown.
I was working at a hotel.
Did I ever tell you that?
I was about 10 years old.
I'm maybe younger.
I got a new pair of jeans.
It was around Christmas time.
I got a new pair of jeans.
I never told you this.
I got a new pair of carpenter jeans.
I thought I was in the union.
Me and his boy, Jerry.
Got a Hello Kitty pen stuffed in the...
Me and his boy.
I had brand new work boots, and they had to do a shutdown.
They had to replace a tee or something.
Replace a fitting.
So you mean shut down the water in the whole place?
Shut down the water of a hotel.
Okay.
Overnight.
Is it active?
Yeah.
But you got to do that overnight.
Active crime scene?
You got to do that overnight.
Uh-huh.
Drove downtown.
Coolest thing.
I got a coffee.
Hit the Wawa at like 8 p.m.
Got a coffee.
French for now.
At 10?
What?
What?
At p.m.?
No, you were 10 years old?
Yeah, I would do the French Vanellas from the machine at the Wawa.
There's my dad called it.
Go get your foo-foo drink.
Can't give a kid 10-year-old coffee at 8 o'clock at night.
Also, you're missing the point.
I was going down to work.
I was going down to work with fucking pipe fitters.
Small hands.
You can climb through the pipes.
He sent me...
Tie a rope around me.
Sent me through like...
To clear it like a rat.
Clearing tunnels like Vietnam.
I'll see you on the other side.
Save my chicken fingers for me.
I'll be back about an hour.
I just hear a loud bang two seconds after you go to me.
I like it.
That was just hot chocolate to us.
That's coffee.
I'm not listening.
The 90s were a wild time.
Those machines are trash.
This is 1996.
I'm going to work.
I'm going to work.
It's shut down.
I know you can't pay time and a half.
Did he pay you?
He probably gave me like 40 bucks.
50 bucks.
He had nothing to do with you?
What?
He couldn't leave you?
No, I think he picked me up at my mom's.
I just wanted...
I wanted to work.
That was cool.
What are you talking about?
Was it a school night?
I don't think...
Maybe.
Probably dragging ass to the bus stop tomorrow.
Probably.
Well, maybe I had off or something or...
I don't know.
I got dressed.
I remember he picked me up.
I remember he picked me up.
It was dark and cold as shit.
Typical cop.
You're moonlighting.
Then you're dead ass the next day on your shift.
That's right.
Huh?
Doing a little nip.
Taking a little nip to keep it going.
Bad lieutenant.
I remember he told us we weren't allowed to have lunch because you're not worth
shit when
you come back.
Yeah, no.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I went down.
It was me, him, and this dude Jerry that worked for him.
And we had to take out a huge...
It was like a water man.
We had to take out a huge 90 or put in a new fucking...
A new valve or something.
And I remember...
I remember my boots were too clean.
They were brand new Tim's or something.
Brand...
They weren't Tim's.
Brand new fucking...
Boots, you know?
Oshkosh, I would assume.
Yeah, you're probably...
As a 10-year-old.
You're probably not wrong.
And I was trying to make them dirty so I fit in with the other fucking...
The other construction workers.
I was there, like, scruffing them up with, like, a file or whatever.
You know what I mean?
Be like, yeah, you know.
I was just working at the city hall and a fucking...
You know, work's never done there.
I'm down here at the new Comcast building, yeah.
I'm actually 26.
I've been smoking a long time.
How you guys doing?
I remember just being in the basement of this fucking hotel downtown.
For, you know, until 7 a.m. or whatever.
Well, that sounds safe.
That's where I learned my work ethic.
For a child.
And I remember they gave either my dad or the guy Jerry a parking ticket.
Sons of bitches.
And that's when I heard...
That was like, guy down here trying to earn a fucking living.
You're not going to tell me, Jerry.
You know what I mean?
You guys know I'm on the job, right?
It was like, life ain't...
I think that's when shit started going south.
Life ain't hard enough.
They got to get rid of your fucking parking ticket.
Down here earning an honest living.
Trying to pay child support.
Got alimony at the fucking...
Pay taxes.
Try wrangling these animals at the bus stop, Jerry.
My supervisor don't get it.
You know, I keep telling him.
He's threatening to take my badge away.
I got my safety.
Two weeks, no pay.
Yeah, I just wanted a job.
So being a safety was like...
Finally, my dad was proud of me.
I started working.
I started working at...
I guess I was 12.
And he would pay me because I was working.
I made $5 in tips a night.
Thursday night, Santo Palato.
He'd break me off at like a 10 or a 20.
Yeah, you're working.
You're a good kid.
How you go?
This is after you were done being a safety.
This is the year after safety, yeah.
Got a taste of the good life.
You know what I mean?
Retired.
Got your gold watch.
You got out.
Huh?
You know the important thing about being a safety?
Getting home alive every night.
Sure.
It's all that matters.
That was probably prime, slim, fast, and pretzel kippy, too.
I was going home.
Going on a tear.
Denise wasn't home.
She's working second or third shift.
Put your gun up in the cabinet so the kids don't get it.
Sit down.
Shut up, you!
Screaming at my brother and sister.
Must be nice just to go to fucking school and not have to work.
Trying to watch TRL.
The new...
Slug of Cuddy Stark.
Watch the new Marshall Mathers fucking video.
Golly gee willikers.
Okay, kid.
Golly gee willikers.
Okay, kid.
Golly gee willikers.
Golly gee willikers.
Golly gee willikers.
Okay, kid.
Golly gee willikers.
Okay, kid.
Golly gee willikers.
Okay, kid.
Golly gee willikers.
Okay, kid.
Golly gee willikers.