Name: Which Is Trashier: Pizza Hut or Domino's? | Paul Walter Hauser on Are You Garbage?
Uploaded: 2025-04-03T19:48:34.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Which Is Trashier: Pizza Hut or Domino's? | Paul Walter Hauser on Are You Garbage?' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-04-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Which Is Trashier: Pizza Hut or Domino's? | Paul Walter Hauser on Are You Garbage?' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-04-03. Transcript available.

Did you lean to, were you growing up, are you guys more of a Pizza Hut family
or a Domino's household or Little Caesar or any way, did you have an opinion on
it?
Yeah, it's really none of your business.
It's really none of your business, guys.
You got political on them?
My bad.
He was talking about Dane Quayle, I figured I'd...
We were, we were, no, we were, we were Domino's growing up.
Uh-huh.
And then we fell off of Domino's before they made their public apology that
last, that apology to our last three good four years.
Yeah.
Where they're like, we're sorry, we suck.
That was, but I respect it.
Oh, oh, they're, they're...
Hey, we fucked up, we're getting back to it.
Today, their market evaluation is astronomical because of it.
That was the turning point as the apology tour.
I don't know, I can't get a read on this.
Chris Brown, you can learn something from Domino's, you know what I mean?
I can't get a read on this guy, just drop market cap on me.
But, but, but yeah, we started...
Oh, Domino's, though.
We started Domino's, then I got really into Little Caesars because it was cheap
and it was trash.
And I was like, this is the best $5 hot and ready.
Yeah.
Yeah, put it straight into my veins.
That's how I became over, I, my highest, I hit 333 pounds.
Wow.
And rest assured, that was a lot of Heineken and Little Caesars.
But now, to this day, now...
Heineken's classy, though.
Now, I am very much a Domino's guy again.
I've gone back to Domino's.
I'm the same way.
I'm very much the same way.
They, they are eons above Pizza Hut at the moment.
Pizza Hut went downhill when they got rid of their buffets.
I'm not lying, man.
Yeah, but they do have Mountain Dew, God bless them.
And they, those buffets are coming back.
A couple of dirty birds.
Are they?
They're, they're making, they're making a push because like, you know, so many
things are going retro and stuff like that.
And they're, they're popping up more and more.
Was there a frozen pizza that you preferred at the house?
Oh, wow.
And was that something in the house?
I had a family that I was very close with, and I'm to this day, they're called
the Hinses.
And the Hinses were obsessed with Jack's frozen pizza.
Okay.
Jack's was cheap as hell.
It was like $2.50.
They had like five kids, you know.
Okay.
They had to make a buck, you know, stretch.
I've never heard of Jack's.
Also, I was at their house most of the time.
Oh, yeah.
I know Jack's.
So, yeah, Jack's pizza was the go-to.
But now that I'm like, now that I'm a fancy adult and I got a little bit of
cashiche, I don't buy Jack's anymore.
Now I'm more of like.
Now I'll go straight up DiGiorno.
I'll go straight up DiGiorno with stuffed crust.
Rising crust, yeah.
Very nice.
Huh.
Maybe a gluten-free from like a Trader Joe's.
Sure.
It's got some prosciutto and arugula.
Cauliflower, something like that.
Cauliflower is already.
They're not bad.
Cauliflower, pizza.
I have gout, so I can't eat cauliflower.
No kidding.
You have gout?
Well, have you had it your whole life, or did you develop it?
I contracted it when I was 25 working at a bowling alley in my hometown.
Sounds like you got stabbed with a needle or something.
I contracted it.
Well, I did contract it.
It's a fucking disease.
Give me a break, man.
He's got gout.
It sucks, man.
Can it go away?
I didn't know what it was, so I just couldn't walk one day when I was leaving
my bowling alley
job at midnight, wanting to blow my brains out.
I was walking back to my brother's house, which was like a quarter mile away
from the bowling alley.
I just walked to work, and I had to walk back at midnight with gout, and I
could barely move.
I get there, and I just got so stoned, and I was like, I'll just get really
high, and that will make the gout go away.
And it did for a time, and then I woke up, and I was in excruciating pain and
found out I contracted this thing, and I've had it for 13 years.
And with the weight loss, and I'm now sober, it's easy to kind of control it.
It doesn't flare up as much.
Where did it settle in on you?
Was it in your toe?
Toe, man.
My cousin has it in his toe.
It's brutal.
It can make a strong man cry.
He can't even put a sheet on his toe.
He'd be in agonizing pain.
My wife has seen me once in the last year, year and a half, cry hard from the
pain of gout.
Damn.
Yikes.
That being said, bagel bites or pizza rolls?
Did you have milk with dinner growing up?
Were you a big milk family?
Had to be.
First off, I got to answer the first question.
I mean, you're blowing past the...
Pizza rolls, for sure.
Really?
But I got to be honest, I recently had pizza rolls in the last year.
Yeah.
Because now I only have them once or twice a year, and I'll be like, oh, this
isn't...
Thank God I don't do this.
It's disgusting.
Yeah, they're bad.
I pepper them with Parmesan cheese.
I dip them in ranch.
They are still psychotically gross.
They are disgusting.
I swear against them.
I also, by the way, Buffalo Wild Wings, garbage wings.
Sure?
Garbage-ass wings.
I don't think I've ever had them.
But that makes sense.
I don't do it anymore.
By the way, if you're listening, please go on YouTube and look up...
Wait, who's the head of the health department now?
No, I don't know.
The Kennedy.
You're talking to the wrong chef.
Oh, RFK.
Look up pizza rolls RFK Jr.
You will find the funniest video of a guy doing RFK Jr., his voice, and eating
pizza rolls,
pretending to hide them from his wife, Cheryl.
That's the funniest thing I've ever seen.
Were we a milk family?
You bet your sweet ass.
Yeah.
We drink a lot of milk.
And my mom got us into skim milk.
Whoa.
And I hated skim milk.
It tasted like water.
It sucked.
And eventually, that same family, the Hinses, who got me onto Jack's Pizza,
they got me
back onto real milk.
That sounds like a good family.
Come drink this dirty milk and eat our dirty pizza with us.
And I was like, hell yeah.
Would you have milk with Italian food?
Like, do you like milk with spaghetti?
I would have milk with meatloaf, Italian.
This guy's all right, man.
He's all right.
He's all right.
I don't know what the Italian is.
Glass of cold milk with a hot meal.
Let's go.
Yeah.
I mean, that was like one of the first AYG questions.
That's pure trash.
Now, will you like...
It is.
Will you tchotchke up a frozen pizza?
Will you put your own toppings on and then put it in?
Or do you just go...
It just depends on the pie.
If it's really bland, yeah, I'm busting out the shredded Sargento.
I'm busting out the red pepper flakes.
I'm busting out maybe some garlic powder or garlic salt.
Okay.
Sargento, huh?
Do extra cheese in.
I respect that.
You do got money.
I like some Sargento.
Life has been good.
I got $4.99 for cheese, baby.
What was the mayo growing up?
Was it Hellman's?
Was it Miracle Whip?
See, once again, my dad was...
My dad is pro-Miracle Whip.
We would have Miracle Whip on our fish sticks and our sandwiches.
What?
Fish sticks.
God damn.
The Hinses turned me on the mayo.
They were always there to pick up the pieces.
Man, talk about lost and found.
The Hinses are the way.
I like it.
Was the butter on the counter or was it in the fridge growing up?
Margarine family.
Had to be.
You got country crock written all over you.
No.
My dad would never allow it.
I guess, yeah.
We were butter, and it was on the counter to get soft.
I love it.
Respect it.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Huh.