Name: The Slow Jerk! | Mark Normand on Are You Garbage?
Uploaded: 2025-04-10T17:00:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Slow Jerk! | Mark Normand on Are You Garbage?' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-04-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Slow Jerk! | Mark Normand on Are You Garbage?' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-04-10. Transcript available.

I'm a little banged up from the Nashville weekend, but we're having a good time.
When you say you did an all-nighter, you were up 24 hours, didn't sleep?
Yeah, well, they got these after parties with the free drinks, and they just
keep coming.
Then you see a guy who's at the show, he gives you a shot, and you high-five
him.
So what night is this, theoretically?
That was Saturday night.
So it's Saturday night, so you don't sleep Saturday.
Sunday, what do you do?
I get up and go on a flight and go home, and then you got to go home and hug a
baby.
And you got to fake it.
I'm at the airport puking my guts out.
I'm eating a sandwich going, all right, come on.
You're hungover.
You're proper hungover.
Hungover, no sleep, you know, the whole thing.
Diarrhea, puking, gay.
You can't walk in and be like, hey, I don't feel well or something like that.
No, you got to be on, baby.
It's battle stations when you get home.
That's the hard part about a kid.
Hey, everybody, who wants to laugh?
Doing crowd work?
Because you got to think, she's been with the kid all weekend.
So she needs relief.
And you come in smelling like a hooker or something.
Yeah, exactly, exactly.
Cigarettes, puking up cigar butts and semen.
And she hands you the baby when you walk in.
And you're like, who's this?
You know?
I've never seen this guy.
And she's covered in stains.
It looks like Monica Lewinsky.
It's tough.
And then when did you get to sleep on Sunday night?
Sunday night?
Well, I said, you know what?
I'm going to put the baby to bed early, you know?
It's noon.
I've got to get some baby time.
You're going around pulling the shades down?
Yeah.
What's his name again?
And yeah, so I went to bed at like, you know, 1030.
I watched White Lotus.
I rub one out.
And that was it.
Where do you rub one out?
You know, the crib's here.
I'm in the bed.
We're good.
Sure.
The sound machine's on.
Have you ever yanked it when the missus is in bed with you?
Yeah, that's tough.
Really?
You've got to not shake.
You know?
You've got to keep it still.
It's like, I need a, what do you call it?
A posturepedic.
That's a slow jerk.
Yeah.
Remember that commercial?
They can love to yourself.
They drop the bowling ball.
The bowling ball, yeah.
You're just standing there wailing on yourself.
Yeah, exactly.
I'm your wife sleeping.
I've always wondered whatever would happen if I, because that's my
move.
And if I ever got busted doing that.
That's your move?
Good thing you don't have a water bed, dude.
Oh, God.
That's Katrina all over again.
That thing pops.
Taking out the coast of Japan.
Tsukashima.
All the water gets sucked out.
Cat runs into the living room.
I would assume that would be, just knowing my wife, that would probably be like
an emotional,
that would be a bad thing.
I mean, dude, you're both in bed and you're just fucking, because you do it odd,
too.
I don't know.
He plays the fiddle?
Yeah.
He's doing a money sign?
Woo!
Devil went down to Georgia.
Looking for his shoulders.
Me, me, me, me, me.
Yeah, he just does like a little pinch and roll.
Weird.
Pinch and roll.
What are you telling my move for?
I've never heard of this.
You can't be doing that, Norman.
You do it out of state if you want.
All right.
The knuckle.
I don't know.
It's hard to find a good mechanic.
Sometimes I'll do the old backwards.
French grip.
Yeah, right.
The old Elliot Page.
I flip it around.
You know?
The old McEnroe.
It's called the Andre Agassi in my house.
There was a great comic instead of, it was an open mic comic.
I forget who it was.
It was a great joke you hear that you never hear again.
The guy was like, you know how some people, you sit on your hand.
The stranger.
And jerk off.
It feels like someone else is jerking off.
I sit on my dick till it gets numb.
It feels like I'm jerking off a completely different guy.
The stranger is great.
Is that Nate Bargatze, I think?
The stranger is great.