Name: Worst Parental Punishments of All Time! w/ Tom Segura
Uploaded: 2025-04-24T19:01:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Worst Parental Punishments of All Time! w/ Tom Segura' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-04-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Worst Parental Punishments of All Time! w/ Tom Segura' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-04-24. Transcript available.

Uh, this is from Justin.
When I was about six, I swore at my parents.
My dad drove me to an empty industrial area and pointed at a fenced-in section
and said,
this was the cage for the swear house.
He told me I had an older brother, Dustin, at one time, and they traded him to
the swear
house because he cursed too much, and they would do the same to me if I kept
swearing.
That's fucking bonkers, dude.
Talk about symptom of the problem.
Jesus Christ.
That's crazy, right?
That's real crazy.
Yeah, dude.
Your dad is a fucking lunatic.
I never thought about that, to say you had an older brother, but we killed him.
I mean, dude, that's fucking trauma.
That's big-time traumatizing, dude.
I would like to know what else happened in this guy's life.
He ended up being a fan of this show.
Yeah, I mean, that's-
Definitely some Vyvanse in this picture.
That's fucking- that fucked him up.
Oh.
That's tough.
Do you have- obviously you have some kids that are, you know, you've probably
said they're
a bit of rabble-rousers.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
My wife's having the thing that you on The Tonight Show going over the-
Destrogging the construction site.
Yeah, she's like, is this a joke?
I'm like, no, that is for sure.
That's for real.
That's for real.
Do you have any kind of empty threat, or have you had any sort of empty threats
like that
to that?
Dude, you know what's crazy is that-
Because it seems like you're talking to two dudes when you tell the story.
When I- if I get real pissed off, like really mad, and I'm like, fucking knock
it up.
The younger one laughs, because he thinks it's funny to see this type of a- and
I'm like,
I'm fucking serious.
He's like- he starts laughing, and you can't help but laugh.
And then the older one has done this thing where I'm like, like one time, dude,
he was doing
like some painting shit in the kitchen, and then he went downstairs, and he put
his hands
on the wall, right?
So he put paint on the wall.
And I was like, hey, what the fuck, man?
And I start getting like all fired up at him, and he's like, hey, hey.
He goes, I'm a kid, okay?
You don't need to talk to me like that.
And I go, what?
He goes, just talk to me normal.
Don't yell.
And I'm like, well, what are you doing?
He goes, I've just- my brain told me to put it on the wall, and I just did it.
And I'm like, okay, tell your fucking brain-
Not to do it.
Not to do that shit.
He's like, all I need is you to talk to me in a calm voice.
And I'm like, okay.
So like, it throws you off, and then you realize that you're being, you know,
like too much.
But I haven't had- like, I haven't-
Obviously.
Take him to Area 51.
No, no, nothing.
Take him out of the desert and leave him there for a couple hours.
Did your dad yell?
Well, your dad was a calm, it seemed to be a stern, but calmer man.
He wasn't really a big screamer.
He wasn't really a big screamer.
I think this is more of, what I relate this to, is when I was a kid, if I was
being real bad,
my mom would give me the empty threat, what I didn't realize at the time,
of sending me to St. Michael's or St. Gabe's, the home for boys.
I'm going to have the people-
There was a couple of times where like, we were in the kitchen,
she pretended to be on the phone with this, like, wayward house for boys.
Yeah.
We were called St. Michael's and the guys were going to come and get me and
take me to live there.
Yeah.
Do your dad do, your parents do anything like that?
No, I mean, my mom's a third worlder, don't forget that.
Okay, sure.
So she would do shit like, one time, me and my cousin learned all these Spanish
curse words,
so we were yelling them.
And so our two mothers, like, my mom and her sister grabbed us.
Brian's mom spanked him and he cried, and my mom spanked me and I laughed.
And then because I laughed, she was like, she took her, she had nails, she took
it on my forearm.
Squeezed.
Pinched and twisted until blood came out.
And I was like, ah, fuck.
And she was like, I have to do something.
You're psychopath.
Yeah.
I had that before my mom did.
That fucking, I remember the pinch and twist.
And I also remember that one of my cousins, because when you have, like,
English as a second language parent,
they don't grasp all the little things.
She, my cousin, told my mom that I said crap, and that that was a curse word.
And instead of my mom, like, knowing that's not, like, a real curse.
Right.
Gotcha.
She shoved a bar of soap in my mouth.
I've had that.
And I was like, what the?
And then my dad had to come home and be like, oh, that's not a bad word.
And she was like, oh, sorry.
Sorry.
Cool.
I owe you one.
Cool.
Yeah.
I've seen it, too, because, like, I come from a very yelly family, and my
brother yells a lot.
And then, like, my nephew's now at the age where, like, oh, yell.
My nephew will just roll his eyes.
I'm like, yeah, you've lost.
You've lost all of its power.
100%.
You can't yell all day every day, and it'd be, like, the worst thing ever.
Yeah.
If my dad yelled, it was, like, a big deal.
He wasn't a big yeller.
Scary.
Mine was.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I remember one time he got the phone call that my older sister had gotten a
crazy speeding ticket,
and she was doing 105 and a 55.
Jesus Christ.
Whoa.
And he was at his dresser, and he pulled the dresser out of the wall.
It was, like, a built-in, because he was, like, God damn it.
And he just ripped the whole thing, came out of the wall.
We were, like, oh, shit.
Yeah.
105?
Yeah.
What kind of car was she in?
Honda Accord.
They'll do it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Those things would zip.
And her explanation, she goes, I was dancing, and I lost track of how fast I
was.
Right to a good song.
Yeah.
She was, like, I was just, like, lost.
That's the last thing you want to be doing at 105 is dancing.
Damn.
Yeah.
Pretty cool.
Man.
Man.